Relationship/s

[sKePTiKal]

"Narrating"... O.M.G.... (ooooops).
(blush......) I get it now.***


Hops, you and M seem to really have an affinity for water. Maybe find a house near a babbling stream or overlooking a river? I took 64 close to your city a couple time from the beach to the little cabin in WV. The babbling brook feature ought to be pretty common out that way too. Are you looking to stay in the city or get a little more remote? I'm betting there are lots of "best of both worlds" - close to the city's support services and yet out where it's quieter and not so hectic. Looking can be LOTS of fun.



*** more on what I now realize I've been doing; and how that's occurred in the farm thread.

[Hopalong]

Fortunately, there are plenty of quiet leafy neighborhoods right in the city where you can enjoy your pet deer (or chickens!) and have lots of nature. It's a town with nature embedded in it.

I've lived in the mountains and in several remote areas (the most: Appalachian Kentucky, where without 4WD you literally couldn't leave the holler in winter) but have no craving for that any more. Part of it's aging, part of it's cowardice (nice to be near a hospital if stroke ever revisits, every minute counts to limit damage). And...I discovered after years on mountainsides or eastern shores that I really do need to perceive my neighbors' nearness. It's comforting to me. I don't want racket, of course, but I don't crave isolation or massive privacy. Indoors, sure. But not when I'm walking; I crave the human landscape as much as the other...and it's a 20 minute drive to the most beautiful mountains I've ever known.

IN town, definitely. And fortunately, M. feels the same way. There's a river right through the city anyone can access from various paths, but living ON water is unlikely. We're not going to spend THAT much! (Though I did point out to him at one house today where he could put in a pool...). His own glimpse of lake is through a very overgrown woods that is currently smothering his house, so not very soothing.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Fortunately, there are plenty of quiet leafy neighborhoods right in the city where you can enjoy your pet deer (or chickens!) and have lots of nature. It's a town with nature embedded in it.

I've lived in the mountains and in several remote areas (the most: Appalachian Kentucky, where without 4WD you literally couldn't leave the holler in winter) but have no craving for that any more. Part of it's aging, part of it's cowardice (nice to be near a hospital if stroke ever revisits, every minute counts to limit damage). And...I discovered after years on mountainsides or eastern shores that I really do need to perceive my neighbors' nearness. It's comforting to me. I don't want racket, of course, but I don't crave isolation or massive privacy. Indoors, sure. But not when I'm walking; I crave the human landscape as much as the other...and it's a 20 minute drive to the most beautiful mountains I've ever known.

IN town, definitely. And fortunately, M. feels the same way. There's a river right through the city anyone can access from various paths, but living ON water is unlikely. We're not going to spend THAT much! (Though I did point out to him at one house today where he could put in a pool...). His own glimpse of lake is through a very overgrown woods that is currently smothering his house, so not very soothing.

Hugs
Hops

My own personal perspective, Hops, is that it's inordinately sensible for all of us to be aware that getting older, more frail, becoming unwell and so on are all possibilities, however well we look after ourselves.  And in the absence of family to step in and help, it makes absolute sense to look for practical places to live, close to shops, doctors, somewhere nice for an evening out and so on.  As you say, you can always holiday to other places   Very exciting to be looking around and wondering where to go next   xx xx

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((Tupp))))!

He's on board with finding our own place near downtown, so I'm very grateful for that. I may be heist on me own petard, though, because we've blundered into a barely-advertised one with few details but we've seen it (outside), walked around it, and both just went whomp, in love.

Upsides: 1901 absolutely adorable, not a Mcmansion, literally just blocks from the Mall (restaurants, kulchah, library, concerts, parks, civic life). Historic --M is doing mental cartwheels over that and its original state (which he'd love to renovate) and we both are nuts about a brick stable behind it on the alley, which could become guest/studio/study/all three (it's large) space. Corner lot, endless potential space wise.

Downsides: Biggest one which is BIG, and it tells you something about the charm of the place that we're still so into it. It's on a VERY busy street. Actually the same one I live at the peaceful, quiet, no-traffic end of. But...up the road it's a direct artery out of downtown, a major street from there to the highway (I'm waaaaay past the highway with no through traffic, river below, etc). And the traffic there is relentless, and thus...noisy. Early morning and evenings won't be bad, but most of the day, with bedlam at rush hour, it's real. Daunting. Yet, and yet....

Other one is just that we've left messages for the anonymous owner with no response. It's not being marketed on regular listings and we're heading for the courthouse next week to try to find out the name and some way to write them a letter. So it's an iffy kinda thing. We may talk ourselves out of it (traffic) but the fantasizing has been fun.

The noise thing, we've talked about. I would plant a double row of thick hedge and do triple-glazed front and side windows. Beyond that, the truth is I don't spend a lot of time outdoors unless I'm taking a walk, so with sound insulation I'd be fine.
The yard can be made very pretty and we'd get help for that. I've faced that I'm a lazy, unmotivated gardener at this point, but M can afford the help and I'd love being "supervisor" for that.

Long story shorter, I think it's unlikely but we are enjoying looking together, and there's no urgency.

Other stuff that's happening is that we've stepped forward and have a mutual assumption about marriage and he does keep proposing. I will say Yes, but there are things I'd need resolved before taking the leap:
--we have bought a house
--we have agreed on downsizing process

That's pretty much it. I do dread leaving here but dread life alone forever more, so I've made my decision. M has been SO happy lately since we got intimacy underway (in our geezer fashion) that there's just no more hesitation.

More later...neighbor coming.

xxxxoooo
Hops

[lighter]

It's nice to read about house hunting, ideas for hedges, and your increasing confidence in the relationship, Hops.

I hope you find a house that sparks joy. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, ((((Tupp))))!

He's on board with finding our own place near downtown, so I'm very grateful for that. I may be heist on me own petard, though, because we've blundered into a barely-advertised one with few details but we've seen it (outside), walked around it, and both just went whomp, in love.

Upsides: 1901 absolutely adorable, not a Mcmansion, literally just blocks from the Mall (restaurants, kulchah, library, concerts, parks, civic life). Historic --M is doing mental cartwheels over that and its original state (which he'd love to renovate) and we both are nuts about a brick stable behind it on the alley, which could become guest/studio/study/all three (it's large) space. Corner lot, endless potential space wise.

Downsides: Biggest one which is BIG, and it tells you something about the charm of the place that we're still so into it. It's on a VERY busy street. Actually the same one I live at the peaceful, quiet, no-traffic end of. But...up the road it's a direct artery out of downtown, a major street from there to the highway (I'm waaaaay past the highway with no through traffic, river below, etc). And the traffic there is relentless, and thus...noisy. Early morning and evenings won't be bad, but most of the day, with bedlam at rush hour, it's real. Daunting. Yet, and yet....

Other one is just that we've left messages for the anonymous owner with no response. It's not being marketed on regular listings and we're heading for the courthouse next week to try to find out the name and some way to write them a letter. So it's an iffy kinda thing. We may talk ourselves out of it (traffic) but the fantasizing has been fun.

The noise thing, we've talked about. I would plant a double row of thick hedge and do triple-glazed front and side windows. Beyond that, the truth is I don't spend a lot of time outdoors unless I'm taking a walk, so with sound insulation I'd be fine.
The yard can be made very pretty and we'd get help for that. I've faced that I'm a lazy, unmotivated gardener at this point, but M can afford the help and I'd love being "supervisor" for that.

Long story shorter, I think it's unlikely but we are enjoying looking together, and there's no urgency.

Other stuff that's happening is that we've stepped forward and have a mutual assumption about marriage and he does keep proposing. I will say Yes, but there are things I'd need resolved before taking the leap:
--we have bought a house
--we have agreed on downsizing process

That's pretty much it. I do dread leaving here but dread life alone forever more, so I've made my decision. M has been SO happy lately since we got intimacy underway (in our geezer fashion) that there's just no more hesitation.

More later...neighbor coming.

xxxxoooo
Hops

Oh my days, Hopsie, you're getting married!  Aw, I am so genuinely, honestly delighted for you   I know you were talking/thinking about it anyway but this sounds much more like, yes, it's on, sort a date!  Aw, so lovely, congratulations to you both

Noisy house - all I will say is I have lived in big cities on very busy roads many times in my life - and the traffic quickly becomes background noise and isn't noticeable after a while.  So with the soundproofing and hedges as well I think you'd be okay.  It sounds like a lovely house, and nice that you're both very excited about it.  I will keep fingers crossed that you can find the owner (and that there might be a quirky story behind it as well, I love quirky!).

Aw, Hops, happy posts!  This is so good xx xx

[sKePTiKal]

OOOOOOO... this sounds like a craftsman style house Hops? Or is it a Victorian or Queen Anne? What a wonderful project to share - updating, remodelling, making a nest together. Remodels can be stressful, but they don't have to be. Working together will be a good thing, for sure.

I hear you about taking your time thinking about marriage; but it is what you wanted. I'm so glad it's working out for you two.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, guys...your being happy for me is soooo...happy!

Did more digging and found the owners of record, two older women in M's neighborhood, in fact. It's in a Family Trust, they're the Trustees. So I've written them a letter expressing our interest. The two sisters named in the trust didn't answer the phone or return my call (I suspect it was their younger brother who also lives there whose voice I heard).

We're all excited but who knows.

We're not EXACTLY "engaged" but I did refer to M as my "fiance" in my letter to the sisters, which he saw, so I think we've kinda slid sideways into it. I do want those securities in place before I commit, though.

Amazing time.

We're heading off to a little nearby river town for a picnic so I've gotta boogie.

Hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Hey Lighter, I mean Amber (whoops!)--
Forgot to answer your question.
It's not Craftsman, it's late vernacular Victorian.
1901. Gables, trim, porches, and the brick stable. I dug into the history and it was built by a local shoemaker named Sextus. I love that. Told M we'd name our next dog after him but it'd be awkward when I'm yelling from the porch: Sexxxyyyy! Time for dinner! Heeeeeere, Sexxyyyy!

It's 2500 sq ft (huge for most human homes, yet a real leap from my 1100). I sure don't need or desire that much space (being a small-footprint afficionado) but M is himself with his antiques and art and rugs...AND he snores, so this could be for us a beautiful compromise. We found out from a walker that it's vacant so went up and gawked in the windows, etc. Looks relatively untouched and not bad condition, either. M expects he'd sink in almost what he'd buy it for to renovate but seems exhilarated by the idea.

I've had a lot of experience with falling in love with houses to have them not work out, though, so I'm keeping a lid on the daydreams. Or trying to.

Hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Hehehe 😋 well looking at houses sounds fun. I like to see the inside of houses for sale just for the heck of it.

[Hopalong]

Me too, G...
I've always been a house buzzard.

Something about imagining alternate lives, I think.

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Or living a new one Hops.

When there are major changes - and the struggles to adapt to those changes - and one reaches a plateau - it's a chance to take a breath, look around, and realize you've grown into another fuller version of yourself. More doors of possibilities await now, than ever.

Or more new rooms to make nests in. 

[lighter]

Ok.... a huge renovation possibly in the works for Hops.  Along with a new marriage.   And moves, and setting up her little cottage for what comes next. 

I'm with you, Hops, about being a bit shy over renovating houses. 

It's not a bad dream for new construction is it? 

Everything new, and working, and under warranty.

Whatever happens, enjoy it: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, guys.

Light, I've actually always disliked new construction, which unless it's architecturally quirky and imaginative, to me feels soulless. Most fancy new developments, even high end ones, leave my heart cold. I crave character in a home a lot. You've got a major point, though, about what's easier. And it might be that at this point in life it's time to compromise on things I crave in favor of things that are practical. We'll see...no news on that front anyway.

As to marriage? We are not engaged. I don't feel ready to be. But it's good we can touch on the subject with that goal in mind as we go forward.

Just had a really difficult time with M that was noone's fault, but illustrated a difference in our personalities. His charming over-the-topness, hyperfocus, and man-in-charge stuff is at times wonderful, refreshing and even comforting. Until it's not. I'm very sensitive and slowly am realizing that although I know he is GOOD, that doesn't mean he is also sensitive. Sometimes he bulls ahead with a topic or behavior that's quite sensitive for me, and gets all absorbed in his own goal and it is alienating. I was very upset about it yesterday and now am worried whether under the stresses of life and aging, we'll be compatible in all the ways we ideally should be.

Then again, things take time, and his distress at recognizing that he's been hurtful is genuine.

I'll leave it at that for now and will probably be reporting soon that it's all better and the happy feelings are back in full.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I don't know, Hops.  It seems to me that everyone has 10 good things and 10 bad things.  True relationship requires we love the bad things,  as much as the good things, IME.  We at least make peace with them, and recognize the ways they stretch us as human beings, who require the same grace in return, IME. 

And that's what this will be, Hops.  Bestowing grace on this man when he's doesn't necessarily deserve it, bc that's who you are to him now.  The kind person who explains what's in your heart, so he understands, when things are difficult.  You speak to him the way you want him to speak to you, and you make sure you're heard.   It appears he wants to hear you. 

And he'll be kind right back. 

That said, things aren't always going to be smooth sailing.  Relationships are work.  I think we sometimes have unrealistic expectations about just how much work is required. 

My mother used to say...
"Once you give up your freedom, it's gone."

I think that applies to all kinds of things.  Once we accept not being heard, not being understood... it gets too hard to fight our way back.  Better to pipe up, when the timing's right, and keep things clear. 

I think you're doing a marvelous job of that, btw.  You aren't living in fear.  You're forging ahead in avery brave fashion, iMO.

Lighter