Author Topic: Relationship  (Read 3129 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #255 on: October 02, 2019, 11:22:50 PM »
PS to Lighter (from Farm Life)--
I think understanding what ruminating is, is tremendously important for all of us. I'm glad you pulled out that word.

Thanks,
Hops
« Last Edit: October 02, 2019, 11:26:35 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #256 on: October 03, 2019, 06:36:36 AM »
I'm relieved to read about the T too, Hops. It's an amazing gift to speak without fear, and it's a miracle when we FEEL understood.  Actually BEING understood is whole'nuther level of miracle, IME.

Even if it's the T who gets you.  There's great hope she can help M understand as well. 

About code words... my mother used to say "LV" to the girls when they were little, and in public.  It meant "little voices."  Sometimes the girls and I use it with each other,  still.  There's a different kind of energy to original code, I think.  It's always used in a very gentle way, as reminder, not judgment. 

It has to be something you can use in front of his peeps, kwim?

::thinking::.

Was "silencio!" a joke?

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #257 on: October 03, 2019, 11:06:08 AM »
It was his lighthearted choice of a good code to use with him when I feel overwhelmed by his talking nonstop and need some quiet. She supported it because having him choose it, and seeing him respond with a smile, meant it would be a good one to use.

I resisted a bit at first, since I'd rather say something in my own language, but agreed to try it. No harm. And her inviting him to choose it was a savvy way to have him buy in to the idea.

M is completely bilingual, speaks and teaches in both English and Spanish.

(I do need to ask this T why, when I had some reaction to something--I don't remember what--she mentioned I had a "snotty" look. I didn't really like that but was too startled to say anything.)

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #258 on: October 03, 2019, 01:44:38 PM »
Hops:

I misunderstood the silencio thing... .thought it was the T who liked it.  Sorry. 

I do think that's cute, but only between you and M.  In mixed company, I doubt he'll share that smile in the same way, when he's struggling, IMO.

About your "snotty" look.  I've been paying attention to my facial expressions late, with one person in particular, and I have a flash of emotion take over my expression that I was completely surprised by. 

Don't get defensive.  Try to pay attention to your expression, as a matter of curiosity, and see what you catch.  Sometimes our faced DO things we're not aware of, IME.  I think I'd want to provide clarity, certainly AND at the same time I think it sucks that women are judged "bitchy" every time we have a less than happy emotion cross our faces.  During the trials I was in trouble for it all
the
time. Even with my own team of advocates.  My frustration at the injustice.  At the crazy made up stories.  At my distress, coming out of my nervous system but having to PERFORM in public all the time, with everyone judging me.  I just honestly had to be made aware of what my face and demeanor WAS so I could stop sabotaging myself in that way.  I find men and women punish us for looking generally bitchy, as defined in this culture.  It can be fear, distress, frustration, ongoing abuse and voicelessness and it's judged the same way, which is FRUSTRATING too, IME. 

I love that M bought into the concept of code word.  I think that's wise, and smart, and necessary.  Good on'ya and T to gain his compliance.  That's half the battle, I think.  Staying engaged, and drive to learn is the next part. 

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #259 on: October 03, 2019, 02:00:32 PM »
I'm totally into RBF, but inasmuch as I couldn't SEE my own face at the moment, I think it was odd of the T to make a judgey comment like that.

It is my only hesitation about choosing her. Sometimes something like that hints at underlying bias. Who knows? She may not like women who express themselves strongly, or have unconscious anti-women bias. Many many women do. Or it may just have been a poor choice of words. I think it was.

Overall though, I did like her and found her skillful. We'll see. We're meeting with another one in a couple weeks and I appreciate the chance to make choices. Not just go with the first meeting, which was still cathartic and helpful.

I've just been on the receiving end of bad counseling a couple times in my life, so I'm cautious. She may be the right one, or not. I'm actually going to ask her about that comment and explain to her why I didn't like it, and just see what she says. To avoid dragging M into it, I might just call and leave that concern on her voicemail, and see if she responds. I will share with M that I'm doing that, in case she pulls the "we have to have another full session before you say anything more..." thing.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #260 on: October 03, 2019, 03:48:22 PM »
ACK bad Ts!  That is SO TRUE, Hops.

I think you should ask this T about her comment, when M's not listening.

Once a Doc was sending me messages, via her face, regarding youngest dd, and it drove me nuts till I told her I was overtly concerned about what those faces MIGHT MEAN.  She wasn't even aware she was doing that, and said she didn't mean to set off alarm bells.

Ask.  You might find yourself surprised by the answer.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #261 on: October 04, 2019, 06:56:43 AM »
I'm actually going to ask

Yup. That's my plan.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #262 on: October 04, 2019, 11:10:25 AM »
Boy, do I have to keep a grip on my imagination (and my fears).

Called the T, explained to her that I'd liked her a lot, but one moment had troubled me: when there was some dialogue and I'd had a facial reaction to something M said and she said something to the effect of: I see a look on your face...snotty. I told her I was startled by it and it had stuck with me, and wondered if I'd misunderstood.

She remembered it clearly and said that right after her observation, I'd said: Sometimes I have an edge, and I want to work on that. (True.) She also apologized for using an offensive descriptor, and said it was her challenge -- she uses the wrong word sometimes because English isn't her first language. (She's from Switzerland, grew up with German and French and Italian).

I found all that a fair and transparent explanation, accepted her apology, and feel better. It's hard for me to trust, and there's nobody more important to trust than a T. But I think her explanation was honest and reasonable. So if after we interview one or two others, M prefers her, I could work with her too. Maybe a shred of worry (paranoia?) that she might dislike me, but I don't think it's true.

Our next T-interview is with a Sikh, male. M is pleased that we can have any choice from a different culture. I think me going along with that, if I feel comfortable with that potential-T, is a good idea. Because some of the tensions between us are about cultural differences, as well as our histories.

So there it is. A word. Dealt with. I could parse everything all day long but that'd take me away from obsessing over the news!

hugs
Hops
« Last Edit: October 04, 2019, 11:12:12 AM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #263 on: October 04, 2019, 08:07:45 PM »
I wonder if you'll like the Sikh T, Hops.

You have equal input in the selection. or something close?

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #264 on: October 04, 2019, 08:42:00 PM »
Probably will like him. The Skih faith has scripted complete equality for men and women for a verrrrrrry long time. My friend, a local public servant until he retired, is Sikh. A lovely, radiant human being. Ailing now, sadly.

And of course. M and I will decide together. Never crossed my mind that would mean anything other than equal input; he's never expressed anything different, either.

Hops
« Last Edit: October 04, 2019, 08:43:36 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #265 on: October 09, 2019, 11:01:33 AM »
I'm glad M and I are going to do this counseling. Still waiting on second appointment, but the more I think about her, the more I sense it'll probably be the first person we saw. I like her. Talked over the whole weird-word incident with my own T and she seemed to feel good about how I described the couples-T. How she'd behaved during the session, how attuned she was to each of our behaviors, etc. That was reassuring.

I think it's going to be possible, whomever we see, for me to describe the impact of M's sort of overwhelming verbal and manic behavior on me, and how despite truly loving him, I also associate him with a lot of extra stress. I think he'll try to tone it down once I learn comfortable ways to assert my need for him to. He has reacted very well most of the time.

I'm feeling the need to get across to him how strongly I feel the need to reduce emotional stress, and ask him to be my ally and supporter in that. I have a heart issue and post-stroke stuff I'm still thinking and worrying about, and it'd help if he'd try to contribute calm. He thrives on nonstop stimulation and excitement but I know he has another channel, too. You can't write 17 books unless you know how to be still.

Anyhow, tonight we're doing dinner with friends and then a political event with a national journalist, in the renovated huge old cinema I went to as a child that always feels magical to me. I'm looking forward to it. (The place has the old-school lit-up marquee with a thousand lights. Grand interior. Sill love it.)

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #266 on: October 09, 2019, 12:20:04 PM »
I'm very behind on posts, Hops, so just starting to catch up and I wondered, might you and M be able to sign up to some sort of relaxing/no talking type activity?  Yoga, tai chi, singing classes, a drumming group, just something that's known to bring stress levels down and where talking is just not part of what's on offer?  I wondered if it might be something you could try alongside the therapy sessions - it would mean you know you get at least an hour with M without him speaking :)  And I wondered if him getting into something that is more about how he feels on the inside rather than how he projects himself to other people (which I guess is what the constant talking is all about?) might just calm him down a bit and help him see he can be wonderful and lovely without needing to talk constantly :)

The T does sound good; I was a bit taken aback when you said she said you looked "snooty" (I'd have been offended by that!) but it's good that you were able to talk and see that she perhaps just didn't choose the right word (easy enough to do, even when using your first language, never mind your second).

The old cinema sounds amazing, have a lovely, lovely time :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #267 on: October 09, 2019, 01:28:09 PM »
Thanks, Tupp.
I appreciate the idea as it's a good one.

I did mention doing meditation together at one point and he was receptive.
After he heard about my exercise class he joined, it became sort of his baby and I dropped out.

My great preference would be for him to learn and practice meditation on his own. He's so eager to do things with me that it becomes about that. And I would probably find his presence distracting.

We could try it at one of our homes a couple times, with a recording or video, and see how it goes...

It's a good thought. And thank you for it! (Don't worry about being "behind" -- we're all up to our collarbones in life and it happens to all of us.)

Hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #268 on: October 09, 2019, 03:37:09 PM »
Hmmm...
silent couples activities.

Salt cave? 

Silent retreat?  I bet a silent retreat (very short one) would kick start the meditation routine.


As long as M is receptive, and positive, and participating.... it's all good: )
Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #269 on: October 10, 2019, 11:38:16 PM »
Well, this is a different take, odd but kind of neat.

Remember how I've mentioned that M's restless hands drive me crazy, his fingers always twiddling and jumping so that it's unpleasant for me to hold hands with him?

Just on a hunch I ordered him one of these and loves the thing!
https://www.fidgetland.com

He had it with him at a recent event we went to and kept it busy the whole time and genuinely seems to benefit. He even mentioned to me that he "tries so hard" to remember not to grab my hand and the fiddler has helped. He laughs about it but I was surprised he actually had it on hand. And his little comment made me recognize that he really isn't being purposefully oblivious but actually struggles.

I think maybe he's had the hyperactive kind of ADD his whole life and never been helped at all with it. He also clearly has the hyper-focus part, which helps his career...and maybe some more ADD techniques will ease some of the manic behavior I find so challenging.

He's joked about it a lot but seems ironically delighted I got it for him.

Hops-a-D....D


"That'll do, pig, that'll do."