Author Topic: Relationship  (Read 14071 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #570 on: July 23, 2020, 10:46:43 PM »
Well, I'm always reluctant to predict or fantasize about romance...but thanks for the thought.

I've learned that keeping my feet firmly on the ground for as long as I can is a big help in retaining enough relationship with myself to save myself from long-term harm, I think. Even with this relationship, a year and five months before I accepted it couldn't work long term was progress. I've spent far far longer in mismatches at other points in my life, and don't regret this relationship, so by my snaily standards, this is growth.

Just growth for me, though. Doesn't guarantee anything about anyone I may meet.

Meanwhile, I'm growing in more ways than one...have been putting on weight with emotional eating. Not happy about that. Too much food in the house to get through quarantine, and lack of activity due to heat...and isolation. Hope to get a grip soon.

thanks,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #571 on: July 27, 2020, 08:32:03 PM »
Well, at the risk of giving y'all a case of the head-snap...
I'd like to say I just had a lovely Zoom chat with a very nice gentleman.
(I think deep down, I have a fair amount of tolerance for risk taking.)

What happened was that on a neighborhood website, a man posted a sincere request for recommendations for good couples counselors, because he was trying to help friends of his. I leaped to recommend the Sikh with a few descriptive lines. The man wrote me back his appreciation, saying it was the "fullest" response he'd received.

I thought: nice, clearly my generation, educated, why not? So I replied, I'm finding this quarantine really wearing and wonder if you might have a nice divorced/widowed friend who likewise might enjoy practicing Zoom conversation?

He replied he did...gave some details. I replied again, great, happy to, give him my email, etc. And then he replied...it's me.

Long story shorter, we yakked away for almost an hour and a half this afternoon and both enjoyed it. I'm sure we could be friends in "normal" life, and said so. He said the same.

Just FRIEND stuff, but I feel proud of myself for reaching out. One never knows!

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #572 on: July 28, 2020, 04:50:14 AM »
Oh, Hops, that's great news, I'm really proud of you as well!  How lovely, a new lockdown friend, that interesting 'getting to know you' phase and I like the fact he was looking for a therapist for friends of his - indicates he values a bit of outside support and introspection when needed, I would have thought :)  Aw, how lovely.  That's really nice, positive news.  Does him posting on your neighbourhood website mean he lives in your area as well or is the area his friends live in?  I'm very excited to read this update :) xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #573 on: July 28, 2020, 07:13:01 AM »
:D

Good news, Hops. There's not a thing wrong with adding a new friend. And who knows? Perhaps at some point, things will shift into something more later. It does happen. But being friends first, is the perfect way to determine how many layers of masks there are to the person - and just what they might be trying to cover up. Without having so much at risk yourself.

For as much as you are clearly an introvert, you genuinely have an interest in people; and care about them as human beings. And you value your connection with other people. I'm happy you reached out to this one - and that it's evolved into occasional companionship already. As far as I'm concerned, a comfortable companionship is 90% of what makes long term relationships work. Sounds old fashioned - but we're already from a past century right? LOLOLOL.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #574 on: July 28, 2020, 01:27:55 PM »
Really good news, Hops.

I have more connection, now with COVID, than I have in the last 15 years before.  People are reaching out more on neighborhood boards, as your new friend did.  We have chances to encounter more people, and people seem to be posting about smaller things they're interested in.  I just learned my new moss friend moved into the neighborhood the same year I did.... we've been a mile apart for FIVE years!  Just crazy it took COVID to find each other. 

And... of course this gentleman was impressed with your recommendation. You're a wonderful, thoughtful writer.  He's likely enchanted.  Have fun!

Another bright spot in quarantine, IME.

Lighter




Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #575 on: August 01, 2020, 02:24:21 PM »
Thanks, everybody. I truly enjoyed it...no regrets.

I've noticed, however, that despite me saying at the end of our chat how much I enjoyed it, and that we could do it again (and him agreeing)...crickets.

I'm not too focused on this, but notice that my thoughts are running in the direction of reciprocity (lacking). I reached out in the first place, he did respond, and so I'm thinking (like an adolescent)...who moves next?

And I have a sort of stubbornness about not wanting to contact him again. I am very leery of being the bold one, the one who drives some connection. I want it reciprocal. At the same time, he did mention that he's "shy."

So perhaps I'll contact him Monday to say something. Maybe like, Want to Zoom again? And just see what he says. That's not too vulnerable or revealing.

But if I do that the once, I think it'd be wise to actually tell him about how I feel about reciprocity.

I've been down the one-way who's-pursuing road before, and never want to again.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #576 on: August 01, 2020, 03:05:15 PM »
Hops, that makes complete sense to me.

YOU being completely authentic, honest and up front about yourself, and your expectations.... that's good information and you're entitled to speak and have your opinions and make your moves.

Dropping expectations, around what he does, is important too, I think. 

You can only control yourself and your choices.  Step up.  Listen to your intuition.  Be brave.  Don't fear the outcome.  Get curious about it.

I think bravely being yourself will move you through decisions and outcomes more quickly. 

I have no problem asking someone for time or attention, though it's morphed through the years into a what I want, rather than what I need.... as something OUTSIDE myself to BRING ME HAPPINESS.   Now it's just desire for healthy connection, and I'm entitled to that.   It's not a big thing to ask for.  It's OK to seek it out and it's OK when it doesn't work out the way we would have hoped.

I guess the big things is.... to remember you aren't asking for a wedding date here.

It's just a chat, or coffee, and it's OK no matter what happens.

Lighter

CB123

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #577 on: August 01, 2020, 03:10:43 PM »
Hops,
I think you should contact him again on Monday. He might be shy. Or distracted.

But I dont think you should say anything to him about how you feel about reciprocity. That just adds a layer of "ought". If he can reach out to you and initiate, he will. If he can't, I think it would be great for you to know that. If you contact him on Monday and you wait to see what he does, and he doesnt call back, it's not weird to let it float away like it would be later in a relationship.

How do those things work--the neighborhood boards? I'm on one, but I have only checked in a couple of times. I dont know if they include real names or addresses or anything. Would it help to have any of that?

Love
CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #578 on: August 01, 2020, 07:31:17 PM »
Thanks, Lighter.
I agree with and appreciate all your advice.
Nope, no wedding bell accelerations...just was a little sorry he hadn't been in touch.
And you're right, it's okay no matter what.

But I'll remedy that with what CB suggested...just contact him (email) and see what happens next. I also appreciated your wisdom, CB, that getting all heavy about "reciprocity" would be more weight than this skimpy contact merits. Look for actions rather than instructing him, sounds very smart.

I so appreciate youse guys. Thank you.

hugs
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."