Had another Zoomyak with new friend this afternoon and it was very enjoyable. We're both verbose and really enjoy lively/intense conversation. He's firmly in friend-zone in my head and I think that's mutual, so it's comfortably low-pressure entertainment/company. We alternate booking Zoom, and he mentioned "8-10 days". I think that's a good indicator of how although our enjoyment is mutual, neither of us is fantasizing about anything further.
Meanwhile, I've hopped back on findageezer.com (where I met M) and though anticipation's pretty low given the pandemic, it feels like a healthy question to send into space. Check it every couple of days and let it go, which works fine for me. Nice people. Mostly very *blue-collar guys from surrounding counties and not many highly-educated types, but I don't care. It's just good for me to remind myself I'm viable.
*I love and respect blue-collar guys. Many I know are among the wisest of my effete friends. But because I'm hyper-verbal, a similar if not matching education level does make dialogues more fun. I may learn that a strong and silent working or retired-working man is a much better bet for me. But I think I need another blabber. (I'm not as driven by sexy muscles these days....ain't blind but ain't young either.)
I've been thinking I will be seeing M in about a month for a reunion conversation; we'll likely meet at a winery and catch up that way. I do hope it goes well so we might be friends. But I'm still firm in my clarity about not committing to him for life or for marriage. Disappointing but self-preserving. I'll be genuinely delighted to see him, but not with the hope of rekindling some fantasy future. I don't really know where he'll be about us, but I'll learn that when I see him.
Future fears are present again, which makes sense, and I'm trying to address them calmly.
Relationship right now needs to be primarily with myself, my friends, my familiar UU community. I remind myself I am phenomenally lucky to have two friends right here--one next door (less intimate but very loyal to the idea of neighbors being neighbors), and one across the street (the one I called for a ride to the ER in the middle of the night, who offered "sisterhood.")
We don't check in or talk daily but I'm sure as we all get even older we'll be there for each other if someone needs help. I've also taken some bread to a guy two doors up who came to my house one day with next-door friend to help with a plumbing crisis. He's just had surgery. He's not friend-material but just having that neighbor-conscience is a good thing to do.
Back to M...what said a lot to me was that I felt real loss and grief for only a couple weeks. I bounced back into myself and felt great relief. And that was a big clear message that my perceptions of the personality obstacles (and how I could handle them or not) were right for me to respond to by breaking it off. HARD decision but I'm still convinced, the right one.
I might have lived longer (and definitely more comfortably economically) with M, but on the other hand the stress of always having to push back against his unconscious and automatic dominance was undermining my well being. Haven't changed my mind.
Who knows, one day I might regret it. So far, though, I truly don't. I wish I had a mate and still hope to find one, but day to day I'm a lot more relaxed.
hugs
Hops
