Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

[lighter]

You say what'cha need to say, Tupp.


Sometimes there's a place for actual F bombs, as well. 


I'm completely giving this post.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

You say what'cha need to say, Tupp.


Sometimes there's a place for actual F bombs, as well. 


I'm completely giving this post.

Lighter

Lol thanks Lighter, there are times when only the F bomb will do!  I kind of feel in an alright place.  I feel very certain about what I don't want now and I do feel like there's been a shift where I feel like I deserve to have what I want not, rather than feeling like I ought to be grateful for crumbs.  That feels good - although strange!  But strange in a good way xx

[Twoapenny]

I'm just jotting down things I'm noticing as we've been talking about expectation, fantasy situations, releasing old patterns and so on over various threads just lately.

A couple of days ago I received an email message from someone I used to date a long time ago.  It didn't end terribly well (quite abrupt, he just sort of vanished and I at that point had not read about 'The Switch', as recommended by Hops, so I yelled and shouted and called him names when he stopped returning my calls).  We have had contact with each other at times over the years (the odd email, Facebook and so on), sometimes it's been nice, other times he's been rude, I've been rude, I've found him boring and so on).  But no major contact for about fifteen years since we last saw each other.  He has crossed my mind a few times over the last few weeks as he used to live in the area we're now looking at moving to but again, no more than a fleeting "I wonder if he still lives over that way".

When I read the message I realised it's one of those spam ones that happen when someone hacks your account and uses all your contacts to send links to people or get them to buy stuff.  So I sent him a message just to let him know his account's been hacked.  He replied saying thanks for letting him now, he'll look into it, how was I, and from that a few emails were exchanged, ending with (from him, "It's been nice hearing from you again" and me saying "you could fill me in on all your news at some point".

Now what has been interesting is that I've been observing what goes through my brain (there we go, Lighter, I do pay attention to your posts about curiosity lol ).  In less than a minute my mind had gone to us getting back together, having a long distance relationship until such time as I move and then we can 'be together'.  Five minutes on from that and I'm going through all the possible problems that can occur.  Five minutes from that I'm going through every thing about him that I didn't like, found annoying, thought was rude and so on.  Five minutes from there, I'm going through all the things I did like and making excuses for all the things I didn't like.  And then from that - and this was the bit I found really weird - I found I was censoring myself in my mind TO MAKE MYSELF SOMEONE HE MIGHT LIKE MORE.

I've put it in caps because it blooming well shocked me.  Not only because of my feminist sensibilities about women not changing themselves to please men but also because I really thought I'd come a long way past trying to make people like me.  The other stuff (whirring through scenarios and coming up with plans and fantasies) is fairly standard for me so I was trying just to notice it and let it go, as Lighter would say.  But that bit really caught me off my guard.

And then I noticed when we were out last night how quickly I adapted my answers and statements to meet the needs of the people I was with (for no reason; they're nice people and they were doing a tour around a local historical building so there was absolutely no need for me to do that) and again, how I adapt my tone when replying to a couple of texts this morning.  In some situations you have to, of course, you'd talk to your boss or a client in a different way to the way you'd talk to a close friend but these are relaxed, easy situations where I'm still very focused on not upsetting or offending anybody - and there's no reason that I would, because I don't speak in an unkind or unpleasant way and we're not discussing anything that anyone would have a particularly strong opinion about, it's just chat.  I kind of knew I did it but I didn't realise how much still, despite the fact I have worked on it before.  And it made me realise it's also one of the reasons I avoid people so much; because I haven't got the energy to put on a front to the world and deal with it and I don't feel like I can just say what I think or how I feel without worrying about how the other person takes it.  How exhausting.

So - my mission now is to really, really try to just let people see me as me - who I am, good enough as I am, this is what you get.  And then to cope with the fact that some people won't like it and will keep away and that will really hurt.  But I think in the long run it's better than me doing all this mental gymnastics all the time.

And I thought it would be interesting for me to try swapping a few emails with 'the man from the past' and just try to take it all at face value, without reading anything into it, making any assumptions, escalating anything from it or writing out a future scenario.  Just to practise being myself and seeing it for what it is - a brief catch up with someone I used to know.  I will let you all know how I get on! xx

[lighter]

It's a shift, isn't it,  Tupp?  To really SEE what's going on inside our heads.  To wonder why we're thinking it, without any judgment, but just ask the questions, and follow the answers where they go. 

And we're breathing through it.... remembering to breathe, bc our biology can't get hijacked if we're breathing slowly... mindfully... which gives us access to our entire brain.... all our logical problem-solving skills.... and creativity!  How I've missed creativity, Tupp.

New ideas, and solutions pop up lately.  Not that I've been able to USE them, or make them into more, but I can sense the edges of current boundaries, and perhaps moving beyond.... and what might come next. 

Something.

New.

Something I haven't thought of before.

Something I haven't been doing the last 12 or so years.

Something that's not about my children, old conflicts, current conflicts, or people-pleasing codependent tapes in my head, and I'm about to spend time with an elderly neighbor gal, she's a monster in her yard... works like a fit man, and we're moving tons of leaves into my front island together.  The thing is.... I'm sort of self conscious around her retired, pragmatic retired nurse, understands and SEES things for what they are persona.  I like her very much, but I'm not myself with her, so your last post strikes a nerve for me too.

And the noticing what IS, is the next step in considering what can be, and what I want.  I'll try to be more myself with her today, and just relax out of doing doing doing, and trying to protect her from falling (she's SO capable) and just ask her what she thinks more, instead of DOING DOING DOING in my way, which is to do everything. 

I don't want more of what I have, though I'm a fine person as I am..... I'm an unfulfilled person. A person who cares more about others, and puts others first pretty much all the time, and noticing THIS has been revelation.  Seeing it in a T's eyes.... seeing that woman break down, and want me to make choices that SHOW my children I believe I'm worthy.... was just heartbreaking.  That T is the one who referred me to current T, btw. 

::sigh::.

Lordy.... I could say I had no choice over the last 12 years.  I could say I had to put the children first, and I honestly believe that....  always will.  Kids come first, and that's what good parents DO.

But I had the choice to take better care of myself, and that wouldn't have meant I didn't put the kids first.  I should have put myself on the list, and that's not something I dispute... it's something I'm gobsmacked to SEE so very clearly. 

I did that. 

I left myself off the list, with brief attempts at self care..... large things that used to come easy to me.... but not possible in the present. 

I can't go back, and that's something that requires mourning, and logical thinking to make sense of, process, and acceptance, so I can file it away, and look toward a realistic, fulfilling future for myself. 

Sometimes I DO sense the empowerment, and possibility for myself..... sense the areas outside my narrow life, where I could GO, and build things... NEW things FOR MYSELF.  I look forward to considering things way outside my little box, and just expand possibility. 

And that's new for me, Tupp.  I have to tell you.  It was a very sad realization.... the noticing all I DO for others, and don't do, or even consider doing for myself on a very consistent basis.  Even though there's been a part of me that understood, and tried to make changes.... the more consistent melody in the background was the ongoing crisis playing out, even when things weren't IN crisis.... and that had to be addressed.... is being addressed now.  I can't change that on my own, and I have to have help doing it. 

I wish I'd kept a very detailed journal about my T appointments.  I think I hit the high points here, thank goodness, but there's a lot I WANT to recall, and am afraid I can't, hence.... I see T every week.  I will see her every week, and that's just a given at this point.

At the last T session she took me through a vision meditation for how I want my life to look going forward.  I didn't see myself in THIS house, and I saw a piece of the work I think I'd like to do.... might do.  Both things surprised me, and if I started to get emotionally triggered, T knows how to immediately get me back on track, and revisit the point after we've completed the mission in the moment.  She's so great.

I have to get into the yard, and freezing temperatures..... looking forward to homeade chicken noodle soup afterwards..... fresh made cauliflower grain free nummy noodles... SO GOOD.  Fresh English Peas.  Lots of fresh veggies, and comfort.

I hope you're snuggled in, enjoying yourself this cold Sunday.  That makes me smile to picture: )

Lighter