A neighbor man, we'll call him G, walks his big lovely dog through my yard daily, like many of my neighbors. This G is very chatty. An extrovert of the kind who talks to trees if no human as there to hear.
I don't so much mind, bc I'm very busy with my yard work, or not there for the chat. It works.
I didn't know T hit on my sister. I didn't know his wife won't have sex with him until he SAID so. He made this statement in front of my sister, and me. After that I didn't need to speak to him for a few days, then chatted briefly to show there weren't devastatingly hard feelings. We could go on as before, but no more chatter about his sex life for me, please.
Because of Hops' relationship thread I'm paying more attention to my relationships WITH this G neighbor. His need to be heard, to chatter on at me no matter what my demeanor and responses are. Sometimes I notice that he's thrown off balance IF I speak up, or have an opinion, and I see that's bc I typically have nothing to offer. The stage is ALL HIS, and that's OK with me... I typically do't notice.
He's helped me cut vent slits in my burn barrel, mowes the back lot maybe 6 times a year with his riding lawnmower, and sometimes has a beer. He also drops off little gifts... a tuft of moss, a lovely rock, a case of beer, or treats for all the dogs to share.
Hops' thread has me thinking about his relationship with his wife today. I wonder if she hates him. I khow she works long long hours, and doesn't care about getting a raise for working longer hours. I know her sister stays with her during the week, and G doesn't like it. I know he's here every day looking for connection, and maybe more. I wouldn't consider it, and having to think about his needs is something I'm don't appreciate. My sis says all American men are werewolves, and to be sure, they're typically attracted to her if I'm paying attention. SInce I don't pay much attention, I wouldn't notice if they're attracted to me unless they hit me over the head with it, and those that do aren't in my life long. Sometimes they require an Order of Protection.
So, I haven't seen much of G in weeks. Just not up for the visits. His dog had a stroke, or something that knocked him down steps, upset his balance, and had us thinking he was about to die... he's lived as long as most dogs of his breed do, and longer, so it looked like he'd be put down soon. I started walking with THEM when we thought there were days left. G likes that habit, but I've stopped walking with them since the dog, B, looks like he's returned to normal.
THIS week G is having a new roof put on, and asked if I'd sit for him since B is sensitive to hammering and strange men running around the house. I said YES. Then there was a phone call about blood coming out of B's mouth, and a doc visit and a changed drop off time, with G asking about my hidden key...... telling me where HIS hidden key is... again tmi.... and I didn't tell him where my key is.
Long story a bit shorter, he spent about an hour IN my home today dropping B off for the second time, after a doc visit. And you know what? I'm thinking that his wife likely doesn't like him at all any more. I wonder if his chats with me, or at me, help him be less needy towards her, or if they compound their problems, then I remember it's not my circus, not my clowns. I don't have to fix anything in their home, or feel responsible for it.
But his need, his general jabbering AT me, and oversharing about his hemerrhoids, his gallbladder symptoms, his surgeries, things I generally forget as soon as he speaks them... sort of bothered me today. I think it's bc I'm paying attention, and not just staying in my own head as he jabbers on.
I think it's bc he's crossed INTO my sacred man free zone, and actually eaten food, which he's always always refused when my sister's offered so many times before.
So, he'll be back to pick up B later today. He'll be here to drop off B in the morning. I want to feel better about it, bc I don't mind watching B, who is currently under my table, resting peacefully. I love this B. I don't love G in my home, however, baby talking both our dogs, and it FEEELS like hanging around nervously bc he kind'a knows he needs to just drop the dog, and GO. I didn't even turn a light on this morning.... I wasn't open for business, and didn't offer coffee, or water, or even a chat, hence the baby talk at the dogs.
::Huge sigh::.
And so I'm thinking about M again. About this nervous chattering that escalates, and drives less needy people farther away... the opposite of what M wants.
My youngest dated the adorable young man who wouldn't let go of her hand, so she used his hand sweat as lubrication to free herself, then broke up with him RIGHT there, at school, in drivers ed class making for a very upsetting ride home as we dropped him off. DD wanted to leave him to walk miles in the dark, but I wasn't going to DO that, and so he reached around another girl, and tried to touch DD while whispering into that other girl's head, trying to speak to DD. It was so sad to witness the boy's breakdown... he had zero ability to manage his feelings at that point. He just kept following and pestering and trying to touch... which was what got him in trouble in the first place, until she EXPLODED, and refused all contact. It was weeks before she said a word to him, but now they're cool, and great friends BC he has a gf who's as needy as him. She's jealous, and touchy and they seem like a great couple. Just in each other's laps all the time, arm in arm, heads touching in photos, all over each other, which drove dd nuts.
It's obvious to me that G's wife works longer hours bc she's happy to be out of the house. He complains to me about it, and the last time he said it I told him it was her decision, he should respect it, and her boundaries. I haven't heard him complain about that since, actually.
It's obvious to me that I'm not interested in deepening the connection with G in any way, even when I'm feeling lonesome, and in need of more connection. I understand that THIS is not the kind of connection I need, want or could put up with.
So, I'm going to do quick hand offs with the dog today, and tomorrow. No meals, or offers of water, which I'm still unclear about today... how DID that happen to me? I filled the house with yummy turkey taco smells, and G sniffed the air, and commented on it. I said... "It's tacos, are you hungry?" which is my nature. To share, and caretake, and I was cool with that meal, bc we talked about Eastern medicine, and I care about that.
In the yard, he talked about his gallbladder attack last week, the diarrhea, and pain, and I thought... I don't want to hear about your symptoms, or your hemerrhoids, or your opinions that make you sounds like a bigot, which sometimes swim into the discussion like a little question.... CAN he speak like that? No.
So, he's a cigar smoking (bleck) bigot, who wants more from his wife than she's willing to consider giving him, which has him complaining, so I don't think he's interested in understanding what's gone wrong there. I SEE it, or what part he talks about, and I don't hear anything that sounds like he's wondering what part in all that is HIS.
Heck, he could be a big cheater who cheats in every direction.... I just don't know. I do not care. I just want reasonable space between us, and zero flexibility there. It's a hard boundary. That's it.
What I do know is.... I can limit the time he talks at me. I can gear our interactions to suit me more, and this might lead to his becoming more frantic about requests, which honestly..... this whole "can I leave my dog with you? thing might be. I'm not responsible for helping to make this man feel OK, and I don't want to ever feel I am.
And he's very imposing, physically through sheer size. Sheer white man entitlement, which makes me feel a bit sad when I sense the little boy inside him, eager, and happy to be seen/heard. He knows everyone's name around here, and what they're up to. I certainly do not. I have compassion for G, even as he makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I have more bc he makes me uncomfortable.
I wonder if he and his wife went to T, bc it didn't work if they did. I wonder if he has it in him to leave room for opinions that aren't his own. I know he can tell when he's talking way too much, or if he tramples over me if I try to speak... he can tell. He seems hyper aware of other people's doings, IMO, which is something that makes me wary, not sure why. Our relationship is more like Parallel play, more or less. For the most part he follows me around, while I work, and he just talks. For a while there 2 of my close neighbors would join us, and it felt intrusive, bc G doesn't like the husband AND the wife and husband both are people who chatter at others, both very lonely, and needful. G likes the wife just fine, but not the H, who's suffered a year long life threatening illness he's revovering from, which makes me very patient and kind towards him. G said he didn't like him before the illness, and he sees no reason to like him now that he's recovering, which seemed quite mean, but G is very kind to his face, and helpul... even if he sometimes shoves off when he sees him comging. He's been very kind, where I would have thought he wouldn't. I think he knows I wouldn't be OK with his in any way being rude to either of these people, and so he behaves or leaves.
G is so very nice TO ME. I think that fact, alone, makes me somewhat uncomfortable, bc I don't feel OK about neighbors assuming something that's just not true about us. Even though I'm trying not to care about what others think THAT still bothers me.
I wonder if Gs wife had to just give up, take her own bedroom, and put up hard boundaries that make him behave even worse, and IS THAT WHY her sister lives there all week? Another type of boundary.
And, why did he want food today, when he's always always refused food in the past?
I'm going to eat another taco now.
