Author Topic: Head Above the Parapet  (Read 317 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2022, 02:20:28 PM »
Thanks, ((((((Tupp)))))).
Will do!

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2022, 01:44:36 PM »
Sooo further good developments :) Son had an appointment with the Learning Disability Nurse this morning; he's still struggling a bit with what happened at the last place so the social worker suggested he met up with the Nurse to see if she could offer anything.

Apart from just being a very nice lady who was easy to talk to (and he did brilliantly explaining things to her and quoting various sections of books he's read about health and development lol) she is part of a team that consists of - wait for it - a physiotherapist, an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, an epilepsy specialist, a podiatrist, a specialist dentist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a further team who help people who are settling into independent living for the first time, a finance team that can manage his money for him if I don't want to do it and a 24 hour emergency cover 'thing' for people who live alone so that they've got someone they can get hold of if there's a problem at 3 o'clock in the morning.  They also have a residential assessment house for people who are looking to move out of home; they can live there for as long as is necessary to assess their skills and needs and then arrange whatever's appropriate for them moving forward, plus they have what they call a buddy system which is basically a tracking device that he can attach to his keyring so if he ever wanders off he can be located and the system it's on is directly linked to the emergency services system so someone just needs to push a button and the police can get there asap if need be.  And referrals for any of it is as simple as him saying "can you do that please" and she just fills the form in.  No battle, no mountains of paperwork, no gatekeeping process or list of criteria so long no-one ever meets them - him having learning disabilities is enough.  I nearly fell off my chair.

As if that wasn't enough she then turned to me and said "and how are you doing, Tupp?  What sort of support do you need?"  And I nearly burst into tears because no-one has ever asked me that before.  But she said she's there for me as much as for him and whatever we need, one or other of us just needs to phone and they will do what they can to help.  Amazing.  So different.  I've no idea why they can do all this and it can't be done in England.  I think the funding's roughly the same.  Crazy.  But crazy good.

So that was our day, and it's the Equinox :)  Felt like a good sign. 

Hopalong

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #17 on: September 23, 2022, 05:42:07 PM »
I believe in the possibility of good things happening but THIS MANY good things, so desperately needed by you both and so hard fought for, is just blowing my mind.

If typed words could smile, mine are beaming for you both.

What an extraordinary shift, Tupp. I hope her offer to you includes access to therapy, a support group, and some chance for new connections with good supportive people. All that will help keep you warm all winter.

SO happy to read this, so glad you posted it.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #18 on: September 24, 2022, 09:56:33 AM »
AH... simple kindness combined with knowing what your job is, doing it, and it even sounds like the various people ENJOY their job. Scotland seems to agree with you two, Tupp! I'm SOOOOOooooo glad you're in a smooth & easy & safe place now. You sure 'nuff paid your dues to get to this point.

I'll bet your quiet times are now shifted into gratitude and appreciation instead of dread of the "other shoe". Sometimes there ISN'T another shoe.

Get well, get ready for winter... and make sure you find something other than candles for light in the dark months. Flashlights, lanterns, small solar lights strategically placed to allow movement thru the flat without crashing into things. We're filling wood racks already - and even though we're a latitude at least south of you - my porch thermometer read 42 degrees when I got up this morning! I turned the heat on, because the house temp was 66.

I can help out with ways to stretch out meal menus too... and we can experiment with easy casserole ideas/combos that will provide a couple of meals instead of just one for the two of ya's. Later, when we all start hibernating more.  FUN stuff...  :D
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2022, 01:27:07 PM »
It's like a huge chunk if ice broke loose and you rolled free, Tupp.

Amazing update.  Is your son interested in independent living?

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #20 on: September 29, 2022, 11:35:59 AM »
Thanks, everyone.  I'm feeling like a bit of a yo yo emotionally at the minute.  Many good things are happening, overall life is calmer, quieter, easier.  Our noisy downstairs neighbours have left which has helped a lot.  I feel a bit 'one step forward, two back' with getting things organised sometimes - there's so much to do.  We have had some financial help via the government which is good, but there are major things happening and all sorts of gloom and doom being bandied about due to interest rates going up, tax cuts being introduced and so on.  I'm trying to bullet proof our situation but it's difficult when you don't know just how bad things are going to get.  I'm struggling with other people's worries about money - I don't want to be unsupportive but I feel like I just want to focus on our 'what ifs', I just don't have the spare energy for other people's.  Skep, I'm stocking up on a range of 'in case of emergency' stuff, some battery, some solar power, some can be charged via the cigarette lighter in the car.  Worst case scenario at the minute is two to three days without power at various times through the winter so if I can keep us warm, fed and moderately entertained sans mains gas and electricity that will do, I think.  We've been experimenting with emergency rations; son has a very limited range of foods he can eat so I've been trying to find tinned/dried alternatives that will do the job.  Some success stories, some have been very bad :) Best advice I've had is to take stock of what you already have and what you can use in an emergency rather than rushing out to buy things, that's been very helpful.  I've always got loads of candles about because I just really like them, especially now it's getting dark earlier.

I am feeling a lot of resistance to leaning in to a better life.  I realised that I'm about the same age my mum was when her life really started to improve, externally at least.  And she paid no mind to it, she kept her focus on the past, all the things that had hurt her, all the people that had wronged her, she dug in and clung to it and it's led to her being so bitter and sad and resentful.  So full of pain that she wants to direct to other people.  I saw a quote on Facebook:  "sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain in the last link to what we've lost".  It really rang a bell with me, I've lost so many people.  Most of them intentionally, because they weren't treating me well or they needed more than I could give them, but they were still people that I liked/loved/cared for/enjoyed being with and it would have been so amazing if they had been able to adjust their sails a little bit so that we could have still been in one anothers' lives.  I feel a lot of sadness, a lot of sorrow and I've been feeling lonely just lately.  Oddly because all the stress and anxiety, as unpleasant as it is, is a companion of some sort and it reducing, which of course is a really good thing, has also left a bit of a hole that I've not had the energy to fill with anything good yet.  It will come, it's just weird how life being easier doesn't always feel a lot easier.  I'm edging forward as best I can, not giving myself a hard time when I don't manage well, giving myself credit for the good bits.  It's okay.

Lighter, to answer your question, independent living for my son isn't really an option just now and I'm not sure it ever would be (he is definitely not interested in it at all!).  But it's just nice that they have so many different options available here, rather than the big bowl of nothing we've had everywhere else.  I've watched some of the paid carers interact with their carees at the club he goes to (most of the members are relatively independent but some come up from a local care home and need full time care).  There's a genuine affection and concern for them; I watched one lady get one of the lads into his coat, make sure he had all his stuff back in his bag and then pat his face and smile at him, the way that a mum does.  I'm sure there are horror stories, there always are, but we've not been around people who seem to genuinely enjoy looking after people the way that some of these carers seem to, and it's nice.

Hopsie, if we can get care in place I have already earmarked a weekly writer's group, a drumming circle, some sort of weird avant garde film club (no idea about any of the films but it looked interesting) and in the summer there's a group that meet on the beach once a week to do yoga, a sea swim and a moonlight meditation.  I'm having me some of that :)   We've also started Nordic walking, did I say?  I can't remember.  But that's been great, I really enjoy that as well.  I'd also really like to find a nice pool at a hotel or a health club or something, no kids, nice and quiet, very clean, fluffy towels, that sort of place.  I'd really like that. So there's lots of options if we can get things set up and running well.  I was also talking to a lady who works as bank staff for the local leisure trust.  So basically each month they send her a list of days and ask her to pick which ones she can do, so she works at various libraries, museums, art galleries, education centres, wildlife parks, anywhere that's operated by the local authority.  Mostly she does front of house, meet and greet stuff and she can work seven days a week if she wants to, or just do a day or two.  It's very flexible.  That really appealed to me, it sounds interesting and varied but not too stressful or demanding, and she said she's had one or two she didn't like so she just didn't do them again.  There's possibilities and it's a long time since we've had any of those :)

Hopalong

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #21 on: September 30, 2022, 07:49:25 AM »
((((Tupp)))), I think I understand these reflections. You are so eloquent and clear.
Change, even good change, can bring up resistance...particularly when one is still recovering from trauma or grief.

Your money news, and the amazing new levels of possibility for Son, are such good news. But on a parallel track, you're still healing from years of deep, deep stress. You're better, way better, but this still takes the body and psyche generous time. I think you're so wise, really. You're open to possibilities and "edging forward" and that sounds just fine to me. Keep being kind and patient with yourself and let the excess adrenalin drain away.

Loneliness stinks. I've been there and will be again. For me, it's more acute as winter comes. I find a lot of folks my age do not go outside a lot, though we should. I avoid it because cold air can trigger asthma and angina, but I'm going to overcome my resistance to joining the local senior center (senior palace is more like it; it's open to anyone over 50) just to do new things and meet new people. I'm trying to make myself have a human contact, no less than a voice call or Zoom but preferably in person, every day. I don't always, but I'm conscious of the need to.

I think you have done a supernatural job of getting yourself and your son safely into a new, humane, and community-centered environment. I hope you'll grow to love it even more over time. You could become part of this place and these people, home at last. I hope the right flat situation gets resolved but do feel badly for you going through the effort of a move again. Hope it's not bearing down too soon.

I like the sound of the job you mentioned...assume this is paid, or is it volunteer? Might be a really nice way to connect with new people and interests, either way.

It's been so nice to hear your wonderful voice again. You were so missed.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #22 on: September 30, 2022, 09:56:29 AM »
Tupp, I'm more familiar with the current "doom & gloom", from multiple directions and a high level of uncertainty about the future - both in my personal decision making, and watching "other people" try to find a way to handle it. It's been more than 5 years ago, when I realized it wasn't possible to make a business plan for the shop, given the crazy fluctuations - like a high speed roller coaster - and that is still the environment I'm trying "maintain" within.

Out in the woods like I am, it's easier to ignore - I just turn off the computer. I never watch news anywhere; haven't for years. I'll READ, but that seems to offer me more distance from all the ways media tries to "influence" how we think/feel about things. I don't know WHY, but it's easier to reject or call BS on stuff I read.

When Hol goes into the city to work, there are more people and they're closer together. Even though she usually stays somewhere OUT of the city, it's hard to get the rest she needs. It's pretty much taken all week for her to recover from the 2 weeks she worked previously. Both her usual energy levels and mental state.

And the BEST solution for the current information overload, is to go DO SOMETHING. Especially, if it's going to contribute to your general welfare, no matter WHAT happens. Human needs are actually pretty simple - Shelter, heat, food and water. Protection, in some situations - as you well know. When you're doing something productive, it keeps your mind busy (there's all kinds of advice & techniques out there) and you're building up your resilience reserve to weather whatever comes your way. And that feels GOOD when you accomplish those smaller goals, that build up to the big goal.

Living rural - and being basically on my own - I am not "enough" anything except organizer/planner/purchase agent to make this situation viable. Hol and S are participating and the extra hands, interests & skills expand what we can do. B makes a HUGE difference - he cut & split extra wood for Hol, since S was working and hadn't maintained his saws at all. B taught Hol all she needs to know to do it herself. We need this little community to make it work. And my 3 neighbors are all willing to pitch in and help if someone needs it. More or less, depending on who it is. Two are reliable for sure.

I think you might be better situated not being VERY rural; being close to town and other people & resources. The required effort to gather supplies & get TO those social, medical or shopping resources - and in an emergency get help to you - eats up energy & time: yours, and the petrol/electricity kind.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Head Above the Parapet
« Reply #23 on: October 01, 2022, 03:27:45 PM »
ahhh... I wrote a response, but it didn't send.  Verizon signal went downt to 1 bar in recent months. 

Just wanted to say you aren't responsible for shouldering other people's worries, Tupp. 

You're strong and you really WOULD solve their problems, if you could.  You have empathy and compassion for others.... you're a good person.  You really are. 

You're still a good person if you focus on yourself and your responsibilities.  It's OK to have healthy boundaries, though it feels wrong or bad or whatever...... it's OK and necessary to stop judging it and notice when you're being drained.... then learn to limit it, IME.

You can limit time and dsicussions with the people focusing only on themselves.  My youngest DD recently told me to begin discussions with "I have 5 minutes and then I have to get back to it, etc."  I can choose what  amount of time I'll give to that person, if anything, then break off and get back to my responsibilities, including mental health and remaining level.

I'm glad there's relief now the noisy neighbors are gone, but I won't do the happy dance.... don't want worse neighbors moving in.  Just grateful you have more peace at the moment.  I hope the garden area is pleasant now the weather's cooling down. It sounds like you're exploring options for mining more joy and fellowship outside your garden.  I hope you make deep connections with one or two.  Can't wait to see how that goes: )

Is the job you wrote about, I think your friend or acquaintance spoke to you about it.... is that a volunteer or paid job she's talking about?  The improved systems and caregivers could lead to unexpected opportunities and situations, so keep breathing, dear Tupp.

::sending courage and curiosity for what comes next::.

Lighter