Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I fell the week of the storm.  Hard.  Didn't hit my head, but it was a jarring impact under quite a bit of weight.  My bones are strong, but it might have jammed up something in my spine.....I guess?

I was more worried about my hip, at the time....in the dark....trees down all around us, going nowhere. 

This dx is typically difficult to make....ruling everything else out, basically. 

Mother of pearl.

[lighter]

This month marks 5 years since engaging my beautiful, fearless, clear eyed T.  We briefly touched base after the hurricane and her kind words brought tears to my eyes. 

On reflection....she put a banquet of skills and strategies before me....I picked and chose morsels and bits I could make sense of.  Bits, but  I sometimes had to manually (fig.) put aside unconscious beliefs to force   space enough to pick up, carry and apply.... sometimes only for a short while.

I'm doing some review on this thread.  So many personal pearls I want to revisit and handle again.  Choose again, practice in a more peaceful headspace, bc I choose them...have success and knowledge how to weld them.  Not choose bc I feel chased or pinned.

The night before the vertigo, one DD was in a bad headspace.  I know my BP has to be up.....I likely wasn't drinking enough water....
there were people in my space creating tension and very little serenity....not knowing how bad things were at home ....discovering the destruction , loss of life and horror some people were dealing with.

The vertigo may be a confluence of the fall, tension, BP, dehydration, vitamin deficiencies and general ongoing stress.

And my lack of  attention to my internal world.....inability to select and use tools from that beautiful banquet T set....is something I'd like to tend mindfully for a while.

I already texted Chiro friend.  Will set up schedule.....try to figure out what's out of whack and remedy.  Lengthening and shortening whatever's pulling things out of balance, yup yup yup.

ENT tomorrow.  I hope he can provide helpful info.....along with clean ears.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

SO strong, for SO long, with SO many tasks and responsibilities, at SO much speed.

Your inner self is trying to keep up with the outer whirlwind. Your psyche has received a massive shock, along with everyone around you.

You are a take-charge, caregiving human. But inside is a bone-bruised vulnerable child psyche too. It's shuddering at the massive aftermath of the storm.

I think she deserves to cry, to sit and grieve, to listen to soft classical, to let her heart break.

From that comes peace, I believe. It's so painful to let it come through.

Let tomorrow's decisions be what they are. But let her be with you in parallel, and let yourself be vulnerable.

SO strong for SO long. It is human and natural to be weak when you need to. Then healing can begin.

hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, from what I'm reading at my "home spaces" on the 'net a lot of us are feeling like life is piling crap up - needlessly - and not only is it overwhelming, it's carrying with it a huge uncertainty about the near future. This is what people are expressing.

And that sense of things whirling apart is very prevalent. Some people are masking it, but still will admit they have moments when it forces thru. Hol's been called out to "first respond" to friends of her generation having meltdowns lately, so it's not age specific.

I think you're making a good choice about going back through the list of things in your "toolbox" and intuiting which ones will help now, while you find out if there are any physical causes of the dizziness. That could take awhile given the entropy happening in corporate medicine/health insurance.

B's docs LOST the approval paperwork for his stimulator lead change test. He only found out when he tried to ask about an appointment. And when he called the Federal Worker's Comp insurance, his case manager has changed again and she has no idea whatsoever about paperwork sent in the past 3 weeks.

We are trying to simply put one foot in front of the other, sometimes having to hold the "caregivers" hands and TEACH them their jobs. The only other option is to walk away; and we know the outcome of that choice.

[lighter]

 Yesterday evening chiro adjusted back and neck.....all was dizzy free till he turned my head to the right and pressed left of spine in neck and WEEEEEeeeee!!!!

I'm at ENT, waiting in magical miniature train set room.  Huge and in snowy progress.
 Someone here loves Christmas, starts early.

Can barely turn head....woke up in pain...assume from adjustment.  Chiro said this won't last and dizzies will resolve eventually.
::crossing fingers::.

[Twoapenny]

Yesterday evening chiro adjusted back and neck.....all was dizzy free till he turned my head to the right and pressed left of spine in neck and WEEEEEeeeee!!!!

I'm at ENT, waiting in magical miniature train set room.  Huge and in snowy progress.
 Someone here loves Christmas, starts early.

Can barely turn head....woke up in pain...assume from adjustment.  Chiro said this won't last and dizzies will resolve eventually.
::crossing fingers::.

Hopefully that's a good sign, Lighter, I know sometimes when I have a treatment things are worse before they get better.  Not nice during the worse bit but fingers crossed it means the problem is getting better x

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, from what I'm reading at my "home spaces" on the 'net a lot of us are feeling like life is piling crap up - needlessly - and not only is it overwhelming, it's carrying with it a huge uncertainty about the near future. This is what people are expressing.

And that sense of things whirling apart is very prevalent. Some people are masking it, but still will admit they have moments when it forces thru. Hol's been called out to "first respond" to friends of her generation having meltdowns lately, so it's not age specific.

I think you're making a good choice about going back through the list of things in your "toolbox" and intuiting which ones will help now, while you find out if there are any physical causes of the dizziness. That could take awhile given the entropy happening in corporate medicine/health insurance.

B's docs LOST the approval paperwork for his stimulator lead change test. He only found out when he tried to ask about an appointment. And when he called the Federal Worker's Comp insurance, his case manager has changed again and she has no idea whatsoever about paperwork sent in the past 3 weeks.

We are trying to simply put one foot in front of the other, sometimes having to hold the "caregivers" hands and TEACH them their jobs. The only other option is to walk away; and we know the outcome of that choice.

Oh Skep, sometimes I think the cock ups are even worse if you've had a 'light at the end of the tunnel' moment, as you did with the previous situation.  Always fascinates me when paperwork is lost, the invoices never go missing, do they?  I hope it can be found or reissued.  It's maddening watching the people you have to involve in the process make such a mess of it over and over again.

[sKePTiKal]

Yes indeed Lighter! Very maddening. Especially for B, since he's been TRYING to get a working pain mask since 2017, when the Surgeon removed the dirty devices he installed and B had to fight (on his own with my help) to knock down the MRSA infection. Even septic, no one wanted to treat him. He found a doc finally to start IV antibiotics, then continued the course with a home health nurse.

People look surprised when he gets angry at yet another roadblock or hoop to jump through. He's been jumping through all the hoops, following up with everyone - and repeating himself telling them, what it is THEY need to do to request approvals from the federal insurance. And of course, anger doesn't help them understand that it is THEIR JOB to know how to do these things. It just scares them and they withhold any potential workarounds as options for him.

Yet, if they just did their jobs competently, he would be the most pleasant person they deal with. If they CARED enough, to follow up themselves and saw him as a human being who's struggled with all this since '94 (and initially there was a long period where he was stable and the devices worked well) so he's NOT in there to get an Rx for narcotics... he's NOT a perpetual whiner looking for attention... he just wants enough pain relief that is consistent to have a quality of life. No he's not going to be the Bionic Man and instantly return to his age 40ish physical ability. But he isn't going to accept being an invalid either. That's not just male ego talking; it's his true wish to be able produce and care for people, kitties, and the place here.

The trend to see people as just patient number xxxx, has been taken to the extreme and now these docs are like fast food drive throughs. In - out - no actual personal interaction.

[lighter]

Amber, I think I gave you contact info for a retired Army Ranger who worked in this medical/ money end of things AND has an implant/spine.....and he had hook ups to get proper treatment immediately and with best possible outcomes.

He's dealing with operator's syndrome, micro and macro dosing shrooms and in daily touch w/ buddies to keep each other semi sane .... doesn't always work.

He's a resource, not emotionally stable, but smart and experienced in what you guys are dealing with .....at least to some extent.

It might do his head and heart good to listen and perhaps guide/help B's situation. Maybe not, but I know he'd do well to have another cause to keep his wounded soul occupied in a positive direction.

If you're interested, I'll make the first call....or ask him how he might help....if he can help.

He's a warrior.  He knows the system.

Lighter

[lighter]

ENT suspects BPPV dx....no cure.  Only treatment. 

He peeled wax from inner ears....ouch ....head went spinning when turned head to the right.....but only when looking up, at end of appt.

I'm blowing leaves today.  Will cut some smaller trees if I feel steady enough.

The leaves are falling.  So many leaves.

Lighter

[lighter]

I had an amazing day today!!!
Balance, strength, stamina and focus were all mine on this windy, rainy yard work day.  All systems on go.

Don't know what changed but I finally broke down while looking at piles of trees up and down the next street over, at trail head.  All this sadness just brewed up and out.

I talked to God during 5 hours of driving.

Had my ears cleaned.

Lastly....I started taking new supplement Heart Saver Plus ...better warm. 

I've taken health, strength and agility for granted.  Every moment of this day I felt present and profound gratitude.

Everything was small stuff...nothing to get mad about.

Lighter🎃

[lighter]

The energy carried into the night.  I worked in my closet, on laundry and feel very on target, re Halloween this year.

I'll take a melatonin and lay out clown costumes ....most are vintage cotton.
::happy clapping::.

I already did a dry run with makeup/huge tooth grin and upgraded the life-size vampire decorations with scary clown makeup and hair. 

 I didn't notice neck pain today....driving was difficult yesterday, as I had to turn my shoulders, not my head, when changing lanes.  Looooong day.

[sKePTiKal]

Glad you're feeling better Lighter! And yes, if your friend is agreeable please contact him to see if he's willing to assist. Just pm me his preferred contact - and I'll make it work.

I do really think we need to spend some time "just feeling" the impact of all the debris that's piling up around us as individuals and collectively, at times. That emotional "meditation" - just the feelings - is like a good colon cleanse for our emotional constipation that happens as we attempt to persevere. Usually, we don't often need to do this, but when we do - we do.

[Hopalong]

Good on you, Lighter.

You weren't breaking down.
You were opening up.

Allowing your natural human grief to come out through a pure channel of tears.

I'm so glad it eased you. Trust it.

huuuuuugs
Hops

[lighter]

I'm trusting, Hops.  And working to chop up huge limbs I can't drag to the debris pile.  That's this morning 's mission.  I want to be dealing with the garage by this afternoon.  Halloween waits for no man.

I'm shockingly not sore, btw.  My muscles feel full ....not stiff, if that makes sense. 

Met 2 grandchildren of backyard neighbors yesterday.  The 2 yo, Damian, was so smart and fast, but who makes their kid Damian?  Just all over the place, the pug and his 8yo sister/caretaker with his imaginary "scary" rhino horn .....so cute.

We caught a run away hound dog, hooked a swing to him then watched him and the pug hopelessly tangle it all up.  I was trying to order Coraline 3-D tickets, got that wrong, gave up and let the hound drag me around while waiting for his family to come get him.  Everytime I stopped, he'd do make his piercing houndog sound.....I wasn't nice in my all caps "come get your loud energetic dog now!" text.  Wasn't happy when they showed, bc pug broke loose and circled their car trying to get run over...had to catch her.  Not gonna lie.....so exhausted after getting very little yard work done. Wasn't my plan.

When I got back to the yard, I saw the new mum with her cute toddler and had to turn my back.......I so wanted to cuddle that little guy.

I'd spent an hour talking to Cowgirl...the day wasn't meant for mindful industry.

I did manage to clear one and a half side yards and the moss was pushed and scrunched by the storm water, like fabric, on the high side.  I'm feeling blessed to tend to it though. 

Amazing weather.  Prefer the rain...I enjoy solitude when it rains.  Most people stay indoors....not me.
Managed to correct my movie ticket order and make dinner for us and dear sweet neighbors.  Was very yummy.

Lighter