Things are rolling....mostly rolling.
I catch the shockingly negative thoughts....it feels like always. They're fewer and fewer, then....bam. An old ONE pops up. No longer familiar. I greet it with surprise and send it on its way like a way.....no hard feelings. Just... I don't have space or need or the ability to afford it any longer. I want other things.
The less shocking negative thoughts sometimes slip in and thrum through my body before I notice them. It's less upsetting...
now. More interesting. I'm curious about them. Eager to meet them now. In the light. I invite them.
It's the attention to somatic feelings, as it becomes habit, bringing the tension/ pain/anxiety/fear, etc to my attention at that point. THEN, I SEE it.
I remember when my girls learned to check in with their teachers and peers. I'm doing that with myself. Trying to model it for the girls without.....bugging them.
It's a mistake to look at the news. I walked with youngest DD in the woods yesterday. She has an art project and wanted a stream with a concrete bridge in jusssst the right light as reference material. She likes the round metal pipes the eater rushes through.
Going into nature is a super helpful thing. I have leaves to blow....the happy moss is full of sporaphytes now. The gutters and steep riif need attention. I gave a huge amount of moss to my buddy....some to a helpful neighbor for his new koi pond.
The time I spend with my daughters is so precious to me. There's joy walking into recently created sacred space in the laundry room. Almost done....but it feeels amazing.
The quiet time with my girls, one in one and less often together, is a few warm layers deeper into focus and joy and BEING right where I belong doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
The rest lines up behind and because of the care and attention and creation....the noticing joy.
I ate a salad with roasted turkey, 2 Tbs fresh ground flax seeds, lime juice, raw apple cider vin and pink salt....it just appeared without thinking about it. No bartering or shaming involved. Most of all...no pressure of SHOULDs going on in the back of foreground. Just choosing joy and doing...chopping and carrying has more space to BE when I limit the voices and the SHOULDs, ime.
I guess it's the same zone that used to come and go mysteriously.
It feels a bit like conjuring now, which is super empowering...super joyful. Not that life us all joy and mindfulness, bc it's not.
What it is...
And I wrolite this out, again, more for myself, is unconditional self compassion ( it gets easier, more familiar) a duty to remain curious and refusal to judge.....anything, if I can help it.
I do nothing perfectly.
Everything ebbs and flows. It's ok. It's exactly how it's supposed to be....even when I lose the thread. Off trail has lessons and useful information.
Sort of like a dog's attitude about smells. None are good or bad, though we dont agree about that. We judge....a good bit, and it's interesting to stretch and see it, or smell it, the way dog's do. Poop, flowers, bacon and BO are simply information for them. They don't recoil. They smell information, and they don't judge it.
At least that's my understanding, and what would life be if I reached that level if curiosity about everything....snd kept moving in my moments.
What.
A.
Rant, but super satisfying to write out.
Last night I made a complicated Korean StonecBowl dish both girls loved. I was frustrated and overwhelmed on and off during the process, bc I'd detailed the stove and cook top, counters earlier in the day. The dish was a bunch if little messy bombs going off, and I was the cause.
Then I'd notice, bring myself back to center, remember I'm making beautiful food from freezer items....the effort to empty both freezers has begun, and go back to enjoying the clean, the ingredients, the thought of sharing an amazing meal, and that zone found me again and again, but easier each time.
::sigh::
Lighter
