Author Topic: Mindfulness and codependence thread  (Read 58236 times)

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #915 on: November 07, 2022, 10:44:42 AM »
Spent a couple hours on homework.  It never goes the way I think it will.  Young Lighter took me on tours of our old house, the first was static....slow, very sad and limited.  The second was faster, expanded and by the 4th and 5th there were flashes of hallways, rooms, staircase, yard with leaves/with snow, front stoop, yard to neighbor Mrs. B's home, tiny toads, oil can rainbows on the pond, the workshop, barn kittens, swing set, sandbox, tree swing, hedge with rhubarb growing, orchard with mad mama birds dive bombing us away from their nests and lightness....the last tour included my sister and most definitely me......as though trust I was there for them, again and again, lead to trust I'd always be there......that it was enough.

So, unexpected and lovely and the only signs of either parent was mom's angry legs moving fast, looking for us....we were hiding under one of the twin beds....she couldn't find us.  I have very limited memories of my parents.....just pictures I recall from snapshots.  Mom's angry legs moving fast, by the bed....how odd.  Dad pulling us in a wagon behind the lawnmower.....drinking PBR....mom in a formal blue gown with a b hive up do, but these are photos too, I realize.

I'll see T later today.  Feeling pretty ok/neutral about it. My heart is literally aching.....a little. That's new. Noticing recent pain in my neck is gone: )

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #916 on: November 07, 2022, 11:36:41 AM »
What gorgeous writing, Lighter. Really beautiful.
Immediate, vivid, moving.

I'm thinking this was inner-child journeying, and
you felt her and found her. I'm also thinking this is
the bravest and boldest kind of healing there is.

Huge bravos. "Mother's angry legs" -- wow.

Have you ever thought of taking a writing class?
What you just did reads like the opening to a memoir.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #917 on: November 08, 2022, 09:28:20 AM »
It was a small Halloween gathering this year.  We were self consoring bc of the Halloween we'd had last year.

There was some shame involved.

Too many uber energetic monsters and not enough children to scare meant children and parents were persued well beyond our usual terroritory.... Lordy that seems years ago to me now, but I'm sure I posted about it.  It was the event leading to youngest dd dropping every single friend...... and it was quite the event. 

And so, we got back in town after the out of town conference and I wasn't feeling well when we entered the house late.  I slept many hours then got to work decorating for that evening..... the majority of items youngest dd selected were already out, waiting.   Think very peeled back clown jumping about and cackling in his cage with painted baby dolls bouncing about, the BIG FAKE CLOWN SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PORCH and 3 couldrons of dried ice bubbling and drawing attention away from the monsters.... clowns.... doll like creature dd was.  People would get to the steps and STOP.  Just...... stop.  I was sitting on a chair, cloaked and sitting askew, like the fake clown...... people couldn;t tell what was going to move and what wasn't.  It was good. 

The first treaters showed up during the daylight.... we were still decorating.  The parnts just stood there and gawped after we tossed their maybe 7yo a treat bag...... and I realized.... they were waiting for us to begin terrorizing them.  Hmmmm....that was interesting.

As the night went on, there were reports of people ADULT people not returnign this year, bc they'd been so terrified.  When 2 moms came to the porch, they were chatty....
1st mom: ."Come on, lets see this.... they said it's really good this year..... "
2nd mom:  "Nope...... that one's a real person."
1st mom:  "No it's not.  It's fake, like that one."
2nd:  No it's not... it's real.....
it's breathig."

At that point, and bc they sounded like my funny friend from Michigan, I snickered loudly from beneath my robe, then dd snickered loudly and the 2nd mom said her SIL had refused to come to our house this year, "bc she was so terrified".   I remembered the moms I'd chased down the entire street, their legs hanging out the back of a hatchback as I persued with noises and gurgling and tremendous disssapointment at not being able to quite get them..... soooooo close, for so long......  and asked if that was the one.
2nd mom:  "Yup, that was her and me."
It was a very good scare... that mommie's wide eyes watching as my fingers were an inch away from her toes for so long.

One parent stopped at the edge of the stairs and had us all unmask, bc his son was truly terrified...... we had to show we were just dressed up, like all the kids were dressed up.  That dad was no nonsense, yup yup yup.  "ope.  Masks off, now!" 
Hee.  Big respect.

And so, the lesson here is.......
you can't please all the people all the time, but you can please some of the people some of the time. 

We'll escalate next year, but never to the level of last year, which was just out of control and over the top and never to be repeated again.  It's too much work to clean up BIG scale, entire driveway decorations with clown tents and giant ladders with giant scary clowns....... just too much.  The cars strewn about, with hazard lights on, is easy and really good opportunities, so that will likely happen. 

The very serious, usually no nonsense lady doctor told DD she'd (Dr.) "gone to clown school in her younger days, but wasn't good at the tricks."  This was a surprise and lead to her and her ukelele building husband signng up to work the event next year....they showed up with beer, expecting a bonfire as we'd had in the past at other times, but nope.  It was all about the scares and I think they were tremendously entertained the entire time.  Sure seemed to be.  The husband is about 6'3" so he'll be useful.

It was fun.  Oldest dd had a couple of friends over and they were happily chatting in the kitchen and making tacos.... the Cowboy had smoked ribs the day before and we had beef and a full compliment of condiments, soft and hard corn tacos to choose from.  Honestly, I didn't eat or set that up or check on the food.

it was all about the scares.

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #918 on: November 08, 2022, 10:29:44 AM »
THat's high praise from you, Hops. I'm not likely to write a  memoir but have kept all the boxes of documents... just in case I want to write out the story, as "fiction."   I wish you had been available. 

And so, yesterday's T session..... on reflection.

T had me go back to my childhood home to find Little Lighter.  She was still there, where I'd left her, in the side yard with sister.

They were never verbal.  At all.  Ever.  Which now seems, but will get to that. 

I asked them to come with me, home, to safety and comfort and where I could make them feel cared for and safe.  They came happily and were interested in the journey..... planes and drives and entering the house from the front door, through the LR, Kitchen, hallway and to my bedroom,, which was where i was..... and then we were there together, with the T on Zoom this time. 

I was to ask LL what her damage was...not in those words, but for her emotions and LL remained non verbal...... then I asked her how she'd like to process the emotions.....
Wind
Fire
Earth?

LL chose wind and that was appropriate since the day was windy with leaves blowing all around.... just a lovely fall day. Almost warm. 

I took the girls to the beach, also.... always find clarity and healing on the beach and in the water.  The girls were super excited about that....... then I brought them back the house and into the woods and the yard and I was wearing my mother's green fringed pancho and the girls were very happy to be with me.... felt safe it seemed...... and then there seemed to be nothing to process BUT there was still sadness and I'd say the energy/distress was about a 6 out of 10.

It wasn't LL.  T asked how old LL was.... about 3yo..... picture Tabatha from BEWITCHeD, when her hair was about shoulder length and you have it. 

Then the image I'd dreamed after my mother died popped up......
me and sister at our mother's knees, bald and in diapers, aybe 8mo old, reaching up for her to comfort us, take us into her arms, SEE us.....
but she doesn't.

We are inconsolable.  Just...... building off each other's energy, and NEEEEDING so much from mom...... feeling unseen and unheard and it's very very sad.  Neeeding so much, but mom doesn't understand and she doesn't care about how children move through developmental phases or what it means to look into a child's eyes and be present with them.  Mom is very busy aNd industrious in her fashion career and she's certainly feeling our shame when were aren't reflectling well on her...... she's just 20 or 21yo herself.  Still a child.... a GC. It's all about her and how we reflect on HER.

I can't remember much about that, as I stopped checking in with my peripheral vision and breathing mindfully at this point.  I was going in and out of feeling baby Lighter's distress and losing the ability to comfort her through it, which was the entire point.  to experience the trauma with a fully integrated brain and process it fully..... but that just wasn't happening in the hour, which seemed so short when time has been going slowly, otherwise.

T and I checked back in with the 3yo Lighter and she wasn't giving me attention or answering questions... she was back on the beach, concerned with sister and the water and sand..... not that she'd said anything up to that point, which seems odd now that the 8month olds had been so verbal and LOUD, without a break. 

3yo Lighter was always silent and finding her in that corner of the bedroom was always  a silent event, as were the tours.  She was more guarded and checking in with her at the end.... I realized she was waiting for me to grab her soft little forearm and dig my fingernails in...... and make her focus..... hurt her and make her answer my questions.  It was very dissapionting and T said I needed to spend more time with her, gain more trust and I felt she was emotionally far away and unlikely to just connect and heal the way I'd realllly hoped would happen. 

That was about the place where we put a pin in and scheduled for the next appointment. 

I took the roasted chicken out of the oven, made a 4X batch of cha gio mis and took the pug into the forest.  I smelled Yelly Guy before I saw him blowing leaves in the retired nurse's back yard..... not very close to my property line, but he was facing me.  I just walked and didn't look up...... was annoyed by the smell of cigar in my nose for the next minute, thinking ahead to how I'd get back to the house without having to see or be seen by him. 

The walk was good.  Glandex has baby girl pug making stout little poops we hope will span out visits to the vet for anal gland expression. A necessary unexpected thing with Pugs.  The walk was nice.  Didn't see anyone in the forest.  Didn't look at my phone or think about it or the YG and then the walk was over.

I could hear YG still blowing leaves in the yard, but right up against my property line this time and so I picked up 21lbs of top heavy pug and waded into the backyard neigbor's surprisingly waist deep leaf piles..... not an easy thing to do, but I got into my back yard almost unscathed.... thorns and vines being wild and what they are in that bit of wood.  Pug didn't bark at YG or give away our position. In fact, she hasn't given away our position to YG in a very long time, not even when YG and his dog jog nearby whatever secondary trail we're on, out of sight, where I let her off her leash and she can sniff to her heart's content without pulling me off my feet with unexpected stops.

I'm taking DD20 and my sister into town today..... will be dropping the Cowboy off for his weekly accupuncture appointment he says has become "a huge part of his healing program."  I'm glad. 

I didn't expect it to be that helpful, considering he's a conservative Cowboy, considering his history and extensive injury...missing so much skin and ligaments, etc. Not sure how the meridians work with that level of trauma, but the main relief has been his left hip from an injury he received 40 years ago.....always chronic, up to now.  Amazing.  Like magic, but better.

Washing beds today.  The pug is very calm and seems healthier.....MUCH healthier for the whole food diet.  Calmer around food.  Calmer all around which corresponds to not having a tribe of people tromping through the yard, as well.  A neighbor, 3 doors away, commented recently on his relief the trail was closed.  He never liked all those people tromping through and by his house either. 

Retired nurse was super chatty when I brought her empty egg cartons for Manna Food bank...... she was tickled pink YG had shown up to blow her leaves, without announcing his intention... well.... "his wife had mentioned it."

I just dead pan looked her in the eye and said....."He's right where he wants to be."  She went back to gushing over his helfulness and how her grandsons and son were going to help too....blah blah...... which brings me back to dealing with my leaves, which will be SUPER deep very soon.  I havne't decided what to do about them yet.  Honestly, the idea of letting my yard go back to nature is inviting, and not just bc I know retired nurse wouldn't appreciate it.  She wouldn't, btw, but bc of the nectotic ring and having to do yard work with YG showing up whenever he feels like it.  I still resent the nurse allowing him into her yard, between Cowboy's yard and my yard,  when she UNDERSTANDS YG has been BANISHED.

Banished.

That's a very real thing and her inviting him in feeeeeeels like she's invited a vampire I have to worry about, which seems like a very buddy focking sort ot activity, but hey....... YG ignored her for 15 years, then got chummy once he lost access to my trail and yard AND to the Cowboy's..... but she doesn't SEE that she's been manipulted or used and that's.....
::sigh::.
What IS that?

Her willful ignorance.

Her..... usually sharp as a tack mind just goes all soft and fuzzy ,bc...... ah yes...... bc YG has given her a story that makes sense to her.

MORE sense than my story..... and that's a very familiar feeling.... a very familiar thing I can remedy, at least to clarify how exactly I see things, which is all I need to deal with and thats' enough.

At the point I feel I need to clarify it for YG's wife is the final destination. Keeping secrets for icky people is something I DO to protect other people....not the icky people.

I removed the balance YG post.  No need for it to be here.

One more thing about tge ebd if last T appt.....T talked about the ways not being seen as a child.....shows up in a life.  The people pleasing, not having needs, not feeling enough, etc.  So familiar....like unraveling a thread you know is there, but blends in with an intricately woven fabric until it's pulled.




Lighter



« Last Edit: November 08, 2022, 11:04:44 AM by lighter »

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #919 on: November 08, 2022, 06:28:12 PM »
Quick hits:

Who has a fully integrated brain? Not me.

Very sad story about your mother's neglect/abandonment. What age were you actually when she died? I could see/imagine the toddlers' distress. I am very sorry.

Pugs are psychic, like all dogs. Blesshim/her.

Sorry Nurse Neighbor isn't a loyal sister and participating in your YG boundaries as a loyal solidarity-sister would. But so good that you've made yours clear. What matters most.

Want to share more about Sister? She was important.

Last. The image of your instinct being to dig in fingernails and HURT your inner child was heartbreaking.

I'm so glad you have a trusted T to do this work with.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #920 on: November 10, 2022, 12:50:24 PM »
My sister was with me our entire child and babyhoods, so.....whatever I suffered, she suffered the same or very similar.

My mom died when I was 52, but we weren't close.....for many reasons.  We got closer the last 2 years if her life, which was good.

I'm still wirking on LL: )

I'm in the yard.....millions of leaves to deal with.  No time to think about the nurse, but I plan on being super compassionate when I do.


lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #921 on: November 16, 2022, 12:38:37 PM »
Moving through my days...... I touch base with LL and pay attention to what she's thinking.  Mostly, she's watching to see what I'm going to do and I think there's comfort and familiarity....... LL is feeling OK about retiring to the background and feeling safe enough to let go and play..... let go of the worry and decisions she never should have had to deal with.  Feeling safe enough to rest and trust I have things covered.

The shift with recent conversatins with retired nurse is where I really see it.  A little heartbreaking, but so good.  So time.  So right and exactly how it should be.

About the nails in the forearm, Hops.... I don't think LL knew how to speak up, answer for herself FOR herself.  I think she was always reacting OR resisting, but never heard or seen or appreciated for who she was, as a separate person.... always a part of her mother an how she reflected on her mom.

LL didn't even know how to respond..... is learning now. 

Things are going pretty good.  Some poor food choices have created some physical discomfort.  It's problematic, but self inflicted.  I understand it and can deal with it.  It's just doing it consistently, while others make iffy choices.... sticking to my guns and doing what I know feels better.

Last night we went to Drag Karaoke and it was a blast!!!  When we arrived at 10pm, Drag Bingo was still going strong.... was supposed to end at 10pm, but went an extra half hour.  Very interesting to watch and get situated in the club as that ended. 

The music was amazing..... the Drag Queen taking over the Karaoke portion of the evening was sparkly and beautiful....mezmerizingly beautiful and funny..... sang with the weaker singers to help them out. 

The crowd was exactly right.....not too big, dance floor large enough to handle what the people were giving AND there was enough seating for everyone....the club felt full, but not crowded.  It was amazing and we danced.... DD20 sang 4 songs and was super popular with the room, as well as all the.....
I guess I'd call them the alpha boys.  Best singer, most interesting singer, most straight appearing boy, etc..... and then there was the boy who brought his own music request.... and he rocked that stage with a rap NO ONE SAW COMING.....the Drag Queen was super shocked and super impressed.... not an easy thing to do.  That boy buzzed DD's tower and I gotta say...... DD needed to get out of the house and into the world.  This was that.

The Drag Queen sort of did a duo with DD on the 4th song...... that was good, bc Drag Queen wasn't feeling much warmth toward DD that first song.  DD and I danced many songs with me leading...... lots of twirling....... esp to the amazing singer who did 2 Frank Sinatra songs...... sounded JUST LIKE HIM!  Didn't miss a beat.  There were so many great singers, honestly and DD held her own, danced more than the others.  It equaled out!

We're compiling a list of songs to choose from.... the crowd pleasers and ones suiting DD's range.  I'll sing with her next time, but I'm not a singer so.... it's for DD's pleasure, and not the club's, that I serve.

Will wear more comfortable shoes next time and more interesting attire..... it was so much fricking fun, guys!  So much to watch, everyone sang from their tables and the energy was super supportive for every singer.... so me barely squeaked, but that was endearing and appreciated too.

DD said i can choose an Insane Clown Posse song..... will see how that goes.

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #922 on: November 29, 2022, 04:48:28 PM »
OK.... saw T today. Over the holiday it became clear 4yo Lighter wasn't expecting me to stick my finger nails into her forearm.... she was just aware I've self sabotaged myself.... all of myselves and she wants me to erect healthy boundaries and hold them to protect us all, which is fair and makes sense.  I'm working on it.

During that session, I went and picked up 8mo Lighter and took her to my home where she was very happy.   I chose water and processed through the feelings 8mo Lighter had to process around not being seen or heard by parents who just weren't capable.  That  was good.... very sad as the T's compassionate focus and care was stark contrast to what my sibs and I received from such young parents who saw themselves and their needs and not little souls requring mirroring and attunement. 

T wrote mad notes, things clicking for her as we talked and workd and processed....... the enabling behavior finally has a point of origin.

Last night I was trying to book flights to the island with DD20 and DD said.....
"I'll go, but you have to make a promise to not people please, bc if you do that, then I'm stuck doing it too." 

It was a good jumping off point for the Therapy appointment and there was an incident at the lake with our late father's caretaker where I found myself putting up a boundary around her showing up with her DD, SIL and GS15..... just showing up, out of the blue, no plans,.which is horrible, bc her family doesn't want to be there, the rudely refuse to speak English even though they all speak it just fine and the SIL KNOWS better than to just show and her DD puts off murder energy in my direction, in particular and my sister's..... my niece was keenly aware of it and terribly upset by it.  My oldest DD22 actually got into her car and drove away when they arrived....no goodbye.  We just watched her car go by.

The second night they did this I finally pointed out the fact we can't understand them is bc they don't want us to AND asked the caretaker if she;d received in invitation either eventing before showing up.  Caretaker stammered and said she'd phoned my brother and his two children but "no one answered."

I took out my phone and looked at my history, dramatically, then pointed out there was no attempt to contact me.  My sister started filling their arms with food, then scooted them to the door where caretaker asked... :"Am I leaving now?"  Ummm.... yes, yes you are and then they were gone.

My brother agreed he feels awkward when theyr'e around,w hcih is a refreshing bit of honesty from the beginning when he asked ME if I was the problem wtih the awkwardness  youngest DD and I felt when we visited them.  We all STOPPED going and they just let the house become filthy and then it was time for them to go and the important thing is they're gone, they own a great home with an extra lot and they're all employed and planning Christmas in Canada, which is where I think all these visits were coming from......
it felt like they were fishing for an invitatin from my sister for them to stay in their home,which is never going to happen, bc of the murder energy coming off the DD....... and I feel she's entitled to whatever her feelings ARE.....I simply have removed myself from exposure.  I think we've all been removed and it needed to happen, bc caretaker and DD are very loud and intrusive people who had to be aware they were inflicting themselves on us, but without fear we'd ever erect a boundary.....
which happens to not be the case, comes to find.

And I'm ready to let it go.  I have no feelings about it, other than wishing I'd done it that first ngith so there wasn't a repeat.   

No emotional upset.  My oldest DD would have been there for the games that night.  No one would have to feel awkward, including the SIL and Grandson15.  This all feels very timely and I'm sometimes shocked at how assertive I CAN be, then how stress or sickness knocks that progress back.

My BIL and I were laying a floor when the caretaker and family arrived that first night.  We weren't expecting to entertain ior make a big dinner, but there we were...... entertaining and cooking too much food and pretending everything was fine....... but that does't have to be how I go forward another minute.  Ever.

That feels very safe and I think every part of me will breathe a sigh of relief for it.

Brother and Sister are on board.... my niece was tremendously relieved..... both my DDs were, as well.

Typcally we aren't communicating very well, which leads to no one knowing what anyone planned, but I thnk that's going to self correct too.

My brother is beign very polite and helpful and engaging when I speak to him.  His grown children live withi him and seem very happy to be there....... mostly.  My niece has a problem with brother's gf, and I wish niece could release that blaming POV and shift into awareness and what SHE can do instead of feeling victimized.  All in all, I have such hope for my niece.  She seems to be more mature and self reflective, comparatively speaking.  There's promise there and intelligence.  At a point, she said she'd sought telemed mental healthcare, but it wasn't good.  I hope she finds someone to help her walk through her issues to get her nose off her pebbles.  Honestly, some of those pebbles belong to other people.







lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #923 on: December 05, 2022, 08:45:47 PM »
I'm trying to check in with LL and 8mo Lighter consistently.  They're so safe, here in this feminine world of women and Pug.  It brought tears to see that 8mo baby in this house....such a relief.  She's safe now.  So is LL.

My dd20 recently said she can't imagine raising children without a village.  Parents are too spread out, too busy.....too many directions and duties to properly care for wee ones, in her opinion.

Then she said 2 things that stunned me, as she's been rather rough on me.

She would want my help 25% of the time with any children she has. This was the first time she's considered having children.  Usually she's sure she'll never have any.

Second, she said she thought I would have been the perfect mom had it not been for the legal and ongoing siege.  Broke my heart and healed it in one sentence.

There's some climate worries in the house right now.  Fear.  Anger.  Confusion and disbelief it's not a priority for the entire globe.  Nose on the Pebble = suffering.

I noticed I'm ok when my girls struggle.  2 years ago that wouldn't have been possible.

The journey continues and I hope in every direction hope seems warranted.  Not as many as you'd thino, perhaps.

Acceptance changes biochemistry and integrates the brain, ime.  Another light switch I've learned to reach.  Simple and beautiful. 

We should teach mindfulness in US schools, imo.  The real thing.

Lighter



Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #924 on: December 06, 2022, 06:23:52 PM »
Lighter, what a lovely and moving update to read.

I'm so glad for you that the inner healing you're doing shone back at you today from your DD's unexpected statement. I can imagine the healing power of that moment.

Sometimes just a little recognition and compassion from someone we care about can fill our spiritual tanks for a very long time. Or release us from craving forgiveness and acceptance, when somebody else reminds us what it feels like.

And your work with your inner self is showing you how to also do this for yourself. Bravo!

Peace and more to all of you.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #925 on: December 07, 2022, 04:19:23 PM »
Hi, Hops:

I'm not able to put it all together yet, but this focus on painful child pieces shows up in unexpected ways.  Always surprised and relieved when it lands.

Example.... I was still feeling salty about the retired nurse neighbor's choices and way of speaking to me in recent months..... mostly she's overtly cheerful, like she's trying to talk me into accepting the Yelly Guy ...... she comes across as his cheerleader, of sorts.  Normally, she's level headed and not all chatty and fake sounding..... I had the yuck over it, honestly.  Building a tall fence was something I was thinking about too often,bc that would be a terrible turn of events, IMO.

I was ruminating over the boundary I felt I'd set for her not to speak ABOUT me with YG and was confused as to how she felt talking about HIM to ME was OK, bc she just seemed to DO IT every time we spoke, without noticing how our property line has been changing and morphing as time goes by.  She speaks.  I physically react and it IS a reaction..... HAS BEEN a reaction, up to this point.   Honestly, I never told HEr not to speak to me about YG.  I should do that and I will the next time she brings him up.  No worries.   I'm so calm about that conversation..... looking forward to having it with loving kindness in mind.  It's a surprising and lovely feeling to experience.

This feels like a direct tie to the inner child work and feeling adult Lighter IN my body, in charge, confident and clear about what I can do and can't do.  What's mine and what's not to deal with.  What I control and what I don't.  It's one thing to understand it and another to experience it in my Nervous System AND understand it as I go. 

One day I'm perfectly calm, I can't be knocked off my center and nothing phases me.

The next day I'm on my stomach, tripping over a log in the woods, full of thorns wondering if the Yelly Guy is somewhere watching me thrash through the forest to escape a face to face with him, bc I'm feeling vulnerable and sure being assertive in his direction will lead to (insert every type of threat I've dealt with from men.)  WTF?  REALLY hate that feeling. 

Something clicked...... calm decended. 

I had 2 nice face to face chats with the nurse recently and am sure I could discuss anything with her without getting knocked off my center, now.  Need for approval morphed into frutration and resentment morphed into acceptance and isn't that what always throws me for a loop?  My resistence to SOMETHING I can't change. Ya.... I think that's usually the case.

Some part of me wasn't really sure how doing the inner child work would pay off (I certainly didn't go down that path bc I thought it would be fun or happy work)  but all roads were leading to Rome and so I went.  It was the same with mindfulness work..... the pay offs were unexpected and such a relief.  When the pain of staying where we are is worse than the pain of going....
we go. 

Glad I could trust and just get on with it.

THIS access to responsiveness, if not wholly consistent,  is such a relief....... feeling affronted and betrayed takes wayyyyyy too much energy, goes round in circles and solves nothing.  Stepping out of that place and into nonjudgmental awareness...... shifts brain chemistry in such a profound way..... it's so simple and yet so difficult to keep in focus, IME.  I feel like I have to be slammed upside the head by some thigs, over and over, before I "get it" but it helps me understand when people around me don't "get it." 

Being right isn't a worthy thing. It slows processing and resolving issues, IME.

I'm not saying I assume good intentions on everyone's part.  I'm saying I'm open to whatever is present, at any given time, in people doing harmful things.... intntional or unintended doesn't really matter.  I don't HAVE to assign judgment to it.  Just getting on with what's MINE to handle is the relief. It's the key that opens the lock to what comes next instead of remaining stuck, if that makes sense.

Adult Lighter can be uber assertive, without hesitation, guilt or regret (fear.)

 Clarity is clear and available in every moment. 


Lighter






lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #926 on: December 08, 2022, 02:05:46 PM »
Hops:

You're right about treating myself with as much compassion and kindness as I treat 8mo Lighter and LL.  That's the mission.

It also translates to every being.... not to say everyone is connected, but I think maybe there's truth in that and we're all the person we're mad at, need something from, view with judgment.....
when I judge others, I notice I'm judging myself.  That sort of thing.

When I'm more expansive with patience and manage spaciousness around problems..... being compassionate is available.  In every direction.  I'm not experiencing biochemical hijacks or the need to get myself OUT of them, which is so much better.

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #927 on: December 08, 2022, 02:49:14 PM »
I hear that!

It's like you have taken hold of the react-switch in your own brain and dismantled it.
Clogged it all up with compassion until the only way it'd fire is for real threats, not their unimportant copies.

I remember a woman I met in an early support group in the 80s who was alert to danger 24/7. I knew she reminded me of something but couldn't describe it until one night, I listened and considered her and felt her tension and said, "I think what you remind me of is a returning Viet Nam vet who feels this way because he hasn't recognized it's peace time." The way she responded stayed with me for a long time, because it was like she'd been understood and felt it. (Pretty sure I told this story here before but hey, old brain repeats itself. Again.)

My bet is that one day you'll be looking back and you'll think to yourself, There has been no real threat to survival for a long time now. I don't even feel it.

(It's not that those skills will abandon you. Just that you'll know what it's like to live in peace, not need them or think about them or practice them every day.)

Sounds like you're trusting life and loving yourself more, starting with LL. Fantastic.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #928 on: December 12, 2022, 03:30:42 PM »
Hi, Hops:

I've read your response a few times and responded without sending.

I don't know I feeeeeel exactly what you're describing, though it's possible..... at least in part.

I do know I feel better, experience less guilt, frutration and fear, so.....
things are headed in a very good direction.

 I'm glad you're here to share it with me: )

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #929 on: December 12, 2022, 05:55:15 PM »
Me too, Light!

I know I only got it in part, but glad it partly felt true.

Good enough for me.

big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."