Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

Yup, a puppy makes life better, Tupp.

It's a sweet and sour week, bc my Belgian Malinois is getting a new home with 6 others Malinois on a farm.... I think.  Either than or he's going to a law enforcement officer who'll live, train and work with him every day, which is good too. They're trying to decide that now.

It was time.

Lighter

[Meh]

One step back and two steps forward? I guess we would like to think life is going to get easier if we master it, could be there is no such thing.

[lighter]

Last 2 T appts were very meh.  I wasn't sure why, but today was the first day I've felt OK since the island. 

Sister has flu now and said it came with debilitating depression.  I so identify with that as the last of my cough is about done... I think it took the low feelings with it.
   
I worked in the house doing floors, cleaning cabinet doors, fridge interior, laundry, stripping beds and making carrot ginger soup with carrots so big and amazing they look like they could be from the movie SPIRITED AWAY or the PETER RABBIT stories.   

I roasted beets (beautiful) and steamed broccoli.  Really love broccoli cooked that way.  Craving it in soup. 

The moss is loving the rain... just an amazing spring green, all of it. 

I've been limping along, getting to mechanic, putting Christmas lights away, filling house with meals we can eat for days while waiting for the flu to release it's grip.

Found a T for dd.  We've been shopping them, and this is number 5. 
::crossing fingers::.

Lighter


 

[Twoapenny]

Last 2 T appts were very meh.  I wasn't sure why, but today was the first day I've felt OK since the island. 

Sister has flu now and said it came with debilitating depression.  I so identify with that as the last of my cough is about done... I think it took the low feelings with it.
   
I worked in the house doing floors, cleaning cabinet doors, fridge interior, laundry, stripping beds and making carrot ginger soup with carrots so big and amazing they look like they could be from the movie SPIRITED AWAY or the PETER RABBIT stories.   

I roasted beets (beautiful) and steamed broccoli.  Really love broccoli cooked that way.  Craving it in soup. 

The moss is loving the rain... just an amazing spring green, all of it. 

I've been limping along, getting to mechanic, putting Christmas lights away, filling house with meals we can eat for days while waiting for the flu to release it's grip.

Found a T for dd.  We've been shopping them, and this is number 5. 
::crossing fingers::.

Lighter

Very busy, Lighter!  As always, the moss sounds stunning Do you think you're just in a bit of a lull with T at the moment?  As in, quite a lot of work done, body shut down a bit from being unwell, just not much to come up and work with right now?

Glad you've found a T for D   Is the island work all finished now, or do you still have more to get done there?  Glad the cough is abating xx xx

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp:

I think I was flattened by the flu.... emotionally and physically.  Three appointments ago I had an amazing experience with T as I did every appointment before that.   

I'm feeling better now. 

The island is about ready EXCEPT it appears I have to come up with another housekeeper and possibly caretaker/security guy.  I'm not worried..... will change out locks, and get new shutter locks.  There's a problem with prior caretaker and housekeeper. Not sure exactly what it is, but it's a thing.  We have another housekeeper lined up.  It won't be hard to put another person in the guest house while we're renovating.  Maybe that person can paint, and do upgrades.  Will see.

Renovating the shed.... for a single person.... is now in discussions as is the seawall.

To end on a high note.... the cottage interior feeeeeels super homey and inviting. very nice to be in.  Brother contemplating bringing a full size washer and dryer this trip.  We have 2 bikes now.... will probably bring more. 

I'm so glad you're having a positive experience with your T, Tupp.  That feels really good to read: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hope you feel better fast, Lighter.

I love the idea of you going to a shelter and choosing a mutt who really needs you.

There's nothing like watching and aiding the emotional recovery of a being who was neglected or abused...and seeing how a dog will seize that chance and leap to it. It's just AMAZING, how rich and joyful and deep (and goofy, and present) those dogs are. Every tale you've heard of the actual gratitude of rescued dogs is true, leading to a deeper bond...(I'm sure you already know).

Just a fantasy but if you do it, walk us along!

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

This flu has kicked my butt.  What I used to call nerve bumps popped up on inside of fingers and outside of elbows.  I didn't notice them until the worst of the symptoms passed and then they were worse than anything I'd dealt with .  Even the bottom of my feet and tops of toes, where they never showed before.  Like my nerves are trying to escape my body... so sensitive and painful.   I always have ONE on my left palm.  They're like indicators of stress/inflammation in my body.

Today they're about all gone and they were bumps on top of bumps when the flue hit. 

I took a moment to check them out bc yesterday afternoon my left knee started sceaming right at the point I fell on it on the island.  Very odd bc it never hurt like that before.  Ever.   The bone felt sturdy.  The knee scuffed but sound.  Yesterday it felt like it wanted to explode and just ached and ached for no reason at all.... the flu.  12 hours later it's almost normal again.  Just some white cells going nuts, creating inflammation at a stressed point in my body.... insidious this virus is.
I didn't understand why the flu is so harmful and difficult to get over.  It didn't take me this long to feel better after ACL replacement.  It's like the virus is on a search and destroy mission in a body.... seeking out weakness, old injuries and sensitivities.... then blowing them up with white blood cell inflammation. 

I now understand, for the first time, why flu season is a thing. 

It's not a fever, aches and pains for a few days, which is how I've always experienced it, with kids, myself, etc.  It's an assault on our immune system that can linger for weeks,  showing up over and over.  One day of feeling good, and DOIN seems to cost many days of more downtime, IME.   

Youngest dd's flu syptoms began in her stomach and is ending there... I hope it's over for her soon anyway.  You can see in her eyes she's still dealing with flu stress and inflammation at her weakest points.  Depression and weakness.   We're pretty sure it was the flu shot.  You read the shot is a good thing, then you read it's a hit or miss unlikely to be the right virus striking at that time thing.  Youngest dd always gets sick, whatever's going around she gets it.  Oldest dd has much stronger immune system.

I've been practicing mindfulness again.  It didn't cross my mind for a week.  At all.  It almost felt like I had no vision... like I had to feel my way around, bc vision was compromised.  The flu sucks.  I plan on pulling weeds then writing a bit while in the yard.

Dogs are lovely, Hops.   Neighbor (lost his dog around Christmas) has a new puppy, rescued... almost took the sister too, but another family had the same idea.  They each ended up with the puppy they had their hands during the mutual face off....
"we want both puppies." Lots of love for little spirits in need... so nice.  These look like German Feist dogs, whatever their dna is.... black and white.  Little white socks.  Adorable puppy spirit in the neighborhood again.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Dyshidrosis?

Might be worth a Google.

So sorry you're coping with whatever this is;
it sounds maddening and exhausting.

Hope it passes fast.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I positively despise viruses and bacteria Lighter. Nasty evil invisible spirits, aye.

Perhaps a gentle detox is in order?

It's "wintering" here. We didn't get much snow or ice from the system that swung north, but it's very cold for a week or so now. Lots of woodstove work. And food... oh my... I swear I could eat constantly all day when the wind blows like this and it's cold.

BUT I already got my medicinal herb seeds for this seasons planting. I've got some starting supplies to replace coz I like starting perennials in bigger pots and letting them get some good roots & size before transplanting. I ditched a lot of that when I moved. These are challenging plants: valerian, baikal skullcap, centaury, etc.

[lighter]

Yikes.... I watched a little of that show you like while I was ill.... Highlander?  Is that it?

 Now I'm picturing you as the "healer" with your herbs.

What kind of gentle cleanse are you thinking?

I was thinking zeolites and restricting g/s/d..... most processed carbs..... I'm not doing so well with sugar and dairy at the moment.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Ah... Outlander. Jamie & Claire.

LOL... nope, I'm not quite at that level Lighter. I have been interested & studying (periodically) for many many years. But until one can grow, harvest & process and use one's self... you are still just experimenting. That said, I've found a lot of sources for bulk herbs or pre-made tinctures.

I would think maybe a mini-fast with detoxing herbal tea? Say 12 hr fast.

[lighter]

I'm looking through teas at the store...... what's in the tea box....
putting hands on milk thistle supplement....
pulling zeolites....
I can do a 12 hour fast, Amber, yup yup yup.

Lighter

[lighter]

12 hour fast... feeling much better, THEN......   

I ate dairy and noticed my lungs began producing
so
much
mucus.

Well, I can't say I don't know better, bc I do.  Doing better, consistently, is another story. 

The T appointment went about the same way.

I took my observations about recent rabbit hole whack-a-mole, nose on a pebble thinking traps I've struggled with recently.   I felt calm.  Was surprised when tears came up once. 

T spoke about having one's nose on a pebble....
WE are the field.....

drawing back, becoming the spaciousness..... SEEING the pebble amonth many.... noticing what's in the field, besides pebbles, that give relief, calm, restore my place in time... take me out of my mind.....
then we did a walking meditation together in her tiny small office and it was lovely.
"Feet kissing the ground" she called it. 

Heel kisses the earth.... breathe and think "I have arrived."

Toe follows, slowly, kisses earth... breathe and think "I am home."

This was a relief while I enjoyed the feel of moving across the floor with purpose... not falling and catching myself as most walking goes. 

Things shifted when we thought about kissing the earth with heel and toes.... it felt like my happiest moments of prayer.  The feeling of expansiveness and joy..... I smiled without realizing I was smiling.... breathing..... stepping.... thinking of mantra..... we don't have to work out way OUT of our mind traps/old pathways.  We can make that shift in an instant. 

I also noticed I had more choice about recent whack-a-mole thinking mind traps.  I could have shifted out, I was aware while I did it, but felt the need to just go with it, pay attention to what came up and see where it went. 

T said she set aside a limited amount of time for this kind of "thinking."  Usually an hour in the afternoon, then went back to being present.  Typically she forgot to go down her scheduled rabbit hole... she was smiling ear to ear and looked so very pleased.

It was good I didn't feel defeated or like I'd failed or like i was doing things wrong, bc I just didn't feel that way. 

I'm really happy with the walking meditation. 
I like the idea of paying attention to the moments between thoughts.

Lighter

 

[Twoapenny]

This sounds great, Lighter.  Sailing through calmer waters.  I think just being able to manage life's ups and downs is what we're all aiming for.  We'll never be without bumps - but I like the idea of focusing on the moments in between xx

[lighter]

I was on the Parkway this morning having an emotional wrestle with yesterday's T appointment and my difficulty with letting go of being right.

Being right is a given.  It is or it isn't.  Others being wrong... that's something different.  Do I need them to be identified as WRONG?  Not sure, but I think the hangup is the people around them being harmed.  I think I needed them to be OK in order for me to feel I could be OK. 

Not sure that makes sense, but my nose was so securely glued to that 14 year old pebble... it was my default setting.... the mother I was FELT the injustice, the harm to my child, the ongoing will to harm me and both my girls is REAL and it shows up in the mail many times a year.  Pressing in, but it's an old pebble and I gain nothing by keeping my nose ON THAT ONE PEBBLE.

I don't gain anything by being right or knowing or someone else being wrong... I gain perspective and ability to SEE if I step back, become the field and see all the pebbles.  That one pebble, my nose was stuck to, is just another pebble, and yes, Tupp... there will always be pebbles (COWs crisis of the week.)

I'm noticing new COWs and pebbles are easier to see and step away from or just see clearly with distance... no struggle.

The old pebbles, however... are different.  I was looking at them with the same eyes I had 14 years ago.  Those eyes.... those stuck moments in time are done and over and accepting the path, over being right, just let things click, brain processed, pebble filed away in historic files..... now just another pebble in the field.

I hope that makes sense when I come back to read this.  I want to remember it the way it happened.  I was turning right.. about to leave the Parkway when I GOT IT, lungs fluttered and tremendous relief and peace landed on my entire being.  Joy and amazement.... it's confusing when you make an emotiona connection, then something physical pops up and splits your focus.

My T talks about physically having WOW moments, usually during yoga, or at silent retreats.  I partake in neither, and I've had some moments, but they aren't frequent... I doubt they'll be the norm..... I sometimes worry they won't happen again.

When things like this happen.... it feels similar to the memory reconsolidation sessions.  It's like stepping through an energy field, to the other side.  Everything changes then you adjust.  Very quickly it becomes your norm and you forget what the normal used to feel like very quickly.  At least that's how it is for me... maybe you start doubting what a huge change it was.  You doubt the affect, but they've all be profound and I don't want to forget.

I need to stop doubting.  Start leaning into radical acceptance, which truly has been the struggle, or part of it recently.

Dropping into the spiral that IS primitive brain, is like dropping into a hole.  In many ways, IME.  I've done it enough while WATCHING myselof do it, to understand it's not the way I want to live.  I want to be in the light, in the open, SEEING everything around me now... not seeing what was or what might be. 

As right as anyone can be.... they're better off accepting what is NOW and getting on with doing what they can in this moment, then releasing expectation and I've said that a lot... I've seen posts I've written  in the past... when I didn't quite understand the why and how if IT.  What is gained and what is lost.  How it changes us.

Lighter