Author Topic: Mindfulness and codependence thread  (Read 4363 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #210 on: May 10, 2020, 05:47:26 AM »
Tupp:

I looked up Youtube vids for Yoga with Adriene.  She's adorable and her dog is pretty relaxed fellow.  Her voice is really soothing too.  I'll select a couple of her workouts and begin.  Thanks!

Tupp and Hops:

I haven't sought out rough hoods.  Rather, I've tried to support businesses I used to support weekly..... I've been to the one downtown ONCE in 2 months, and only bc it was close to the lab.  I really don't want it to go out of business.  I don't. 

I have to say this..... my gut says I'm more likely to use this as a jumping-off point for showing the girls where to find and how to deploy and use the pepper spray in the car door, rather than skirt around our regular stores.  We're NOT in what's considered a dangerous city BUT times they have changed. 

How much will I let these changes.... change me/us?  This is something I'm considering right now.

I'm not fearless. 

I'm proactive. 

I don't want to have regrets in either direction.

Lighter

((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry, because I didn't explain what I was worried about very well and I haven't been clear.  My concern is the lack of hygiene if you're buying groceries from shops where people are crapping on pavements and masturbating outside, whilst wandering around filling up syringes.  This virus last on surfaces from anywhere between a few hours to several days.  It's airbourne.  It can get on to your clothes and get into your system through your mouth, nose, eyes and by you touching something someone else touched - even hours earlier.  We've lost 150 medical staff here now - that's people trained to hospital standards, following appropriate protocol, working in a sterile environment, without pre-existing medical conditions, dead - not ill from it and got better but in the ground now.  I'm following various people on Twitter and sharing information from ICU consultants, virologists, scientists, ICU nurses and so on, with paramedic friends, other parents who are used to treating multiple conditions in their kids and science brain type friends and the advice from every person is the same - stay home, and keep washing your hands.  There just isn't a safe way to go outside, at all.

We all have to go outside sometimes, I get that.  There's a balance between the possible risk of contracting the virus and going mad from isolation, poor diet, being stuck indoors with relatives, lack of exercise and so on.  Lots of people will be out and about all day and not catch it.  Lots of people will catch it, be a bit unwell and then be fine.  Many will catch it and not even know they have it, therefore passing it on to everyone else they come into contact with, directly or indirectly.  Plenty of young, fit and healthy people here are dying from it; the whole "oh it's only the sick and elderly" thing is being shown to be a myth and as I say, we've lost ICU consultants to it here - if they can catch it with all their knowledge and skill at keeping sickness at by then no-one is safe.

I get that you don't want local businesses to go under but Lighter, they're going to.  There's nothing more that any of us can do about that now.  If they deliver then getting deliveries will help them out but if they don't, you risking catching this and taking it home to your kids just isn't worth it.  You're in a similar situation to me, if you die there's no-one else there for your kids and they're at risk from the scary grandparents again.  You've got to keep yourself safe and it's not guns or pepper spray that will do that for you, it's staying home as much as possible and when you do go out, going to places that are as clean and quiet as possible.  If you get somewhere and there are naked people wandering about in the street get back in the car and go somewhere else.  It really frightens me to think of you going shopping somewhere where people are shitting on the pavement and walking around with syringes in their hands.  I've led a pretty open, varied life, I think, but I've honestly never seen anything like that and if I did I'd keep well away.  You can't save the world.  Honestly, Lighter, and I say this as your friend, and I do understand your concerns, I really do, but your girls don't need pepper spray training, they need to stay home, order in and if going out for food is the only option you need a list of safe places to visit, as early as possible in the day so there are fewer people around.  Avoidance is what's going to keep them safe right now.

You do need to let the changes change you, in my opinion, because it isn't murderers or drug addicts or homeless people you're at risk from, it's going shopping.  That thing we've all done for all of our lives without ever thinking about it or even wondering where what we're buying has come from a lot of the time, has suddenly become the most dangerous thing some of us are having to do.  It's a massive shift in what we're used to and it's huge to get our heads around but that is the change, and honestly, our response to that - if we feel we're at risk of contracting the virus - is to avoid going out wherever possible and when we do, going to the place that is cleanest, for the least amount of time possible, as infrequently as possible.  I think when we're frightened our natural instinct is to attack but in this instance I think the safest bet for anyone who is concerned is to hide. 

I'm not saying any of this in a critical or judgemental way; all of it is said because I care about you and the thought of you shopping in places where people, God love them, aren't able to follow even basic hygiene precautions really scares me.  I won't mention it again because I don't want to lecture or bang on about it but I really hope you don't go back there.

I am glad you found Yoga with Adriene :)  I love her stuff, I find it really helpful.  I really like Jason Stephenson's meditations; his anxiety ones I find particularly useful.  There is also another yoga guy -David Procyshyn - whose stuff is much more intense and serious and the videos are longer but oh my days, the release I get from them is huge.  He might be worth looking at.

Much love, Lighter!  Sorry it's a bit long.  Transatlantic social distanced cuddle coming your way
(((((((((((((((((Lighter )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

sKePTiKal

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #211 on: May 11, 2020, 09:18:40 AM »
I notice how all of us respond to "specifics" based on our own frame of references and past experiences... and emotional predilections.

I tend to be as pro-active as Lighter, if not a little more. The way it works for me, is that I assume full responsibility for my own security around here. (Closest friends are 10 mins away; sheriff longer; and maybe one of my neighbors would respond or maybe they wouldn't.) My security extends an umbrella over every life at my farm. Down to shelter and food - number of servings available per person. I can't afford to ACT on compassion until that's secure and there is surplus. I can FEEL compassion - but it's foolish for me to act on compassion and possibly set my small group of people at risk by not maintaining their security first.

The location and amount of space around me, actually poses some problems in the way of security - but having the kids here is helpful because the Hut faces the only other access into the property (without rock climbing gear). It's true I seldom see other people here because of the location. When I DO see someone - I'm usually expecting them. Occasionally, there is someone who WASN'T invited or expected... who was out "exploring". And I need to take some more actions to prevent looky-loos and the stray realtor who might try to convince me to sell. (grrrrr) That means signage; a gated entrance; and notice of private property; no trespassing. For starters.

There are quite a few "moving pieces" in the puzzle of society right now. As above, so below. In my group - John is preparing to depart, his purpose in being here having been as fulfilled as its likely to be. So he'll be moving on to work with a group that responds to disasters and at the moment are running an auxiliary "meals on wheels" kind of effort for people who are extremely self-isolating. I will be getting my house emptied out again when Hol moves into the Hut, and Buck isn't bringing much except tools, necessities, his "just in case" inventory for weathering unexpected situations... and his skills and knowledge. I'm postponing the non-necessary projects until he's here to help design.

Hol and I disagree on this particular balance of security to compassion. She thinks a friend of friends of one her inner circle of friends can be trusted with our location and welcomed in without any restrictions. I say NO... because on the off chance that society's glue comes apart even more... one of the best security features we have in the location is that not even locals knew "this was here". True - I can find it on Google earth - but their marker is in the wrong location. LOLOLOL. And GPS is really spotty out here. Even when I've given specific directions to someone - they've had trouble finding it.  I like it that way. Not because I'm paranoid or afraid - but because it's an advantage; an extra edge that I don't have to worry about security on a regular basis.

That frees me up to do all this other stuff.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #212 on: May 11, 2020, 10:36:57 AM »
Tupp and Hops:

I appreciate the care and concern you're expressing.  I'm trying to figure out a  sane way to navigate the world. 

I live a few minutes away from the posh neighborhood's walking trails where the naked, pooping, masturbating man was reported and the middle-aged, dog kicking woman screamed at the young mother and young children. 

That didn't happen at the downtown grocery store, which is located very near the bus station,  now that I think of it.   

I, like everyone else, want things to be OK.  I want my daughters to be OK, no matter what.  I agree.... avoiding bad situations is the highest form of self-preservation.   

I hope I strike the right balance with self-preservation skills and the girls. The goal is to empower them, help them feel less at the mercy of, and more secure in the world.   Not less. 

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #213 on: May 11, 2020, 11:31:55 AM »
Well, Lighter, on balance in this situation--ONE naked pooper creeper and ONE woman losing it in public probably aren't a shocking level of civil decay. It just sounds so intense when you describe things at times, I may have misunderstood it as Defcon Three. Glad the girls are okay and of course you're doing a great job.

Amber, that's cool that even Google can't fully figure your location out. I've lived in several mountain areas and understand that sense of security. Despite scary stories on TV, I think it really is pretty rare for people to be attacked in their homes in mountain culture (barring domestic abuse, which is everywhere).

If the zombie apocalypse comes, I'll meet them at the door and hand out knives and forks. Actual confrontation with violence is just not on my menu. I feel lucky I've avoided it so far and accept my limits. I also try not to attract confrontation.

I hope all of us stay aware without feeding the fear furnace, keep what we do see around us in proportion, and focus on the positive connections that also keep us safe. Caring neighbors, decent local governments (or helping grow those) and a one-tribe attitude.

Very easy to write. Not as easy to fulfill, but I think it's where we have to go.

Hugs all,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #214 on: May 11, 2020, 02:13:47 PM »
Hops:

I'll be more precise about my vivid jottings.  I meant to be more careful.  I thought I was.  You aren't the only one who's confused, so it's me.   

In the same spirit you're posting to me, I will add a handful of salt and share my reactivity around the phrase......

"I try not to attract confrontation." 

I know you didn't mean it in a way that suggests trouble is asked for, or sought out, can always be avoided.  It pinged that way for me, even though I know you want to keep everyone safe and away from harm.  This is your spirit, Hops. 

I trained to feel safer in the world, and avoid conflict.  The way we carry ourselves is part of staying safe.  That was lesson number one. 
 
Lighter







 


 





Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #215 on: May 11, 2020, 03:41:33 PM »
I hear you, ((((Lighter)))).
Thanks for your sensitive tuning.

I think I OVER-tune to language choices and rhythms sometimes.
It just all goes deep into that poetry place, which is almost beneath
my consciousness sometimes.

I do not ever think anybody (or anybody here!) intentionally attracts or stimulates violence.

I think I just lack the brain-part that is warrior-like. It's just...entirely absent.
Compare a bunny wabbit to a tiger and you'll get the idea.

I'm glad you shone a light into how interpretations, rightly or wrongly, can tilt how we see each other. And to ditch the royalty...how MY interpretations can do that.

Still pondering what the lesson is but I feel I've just been given a perceptive and sensitive observation that will teach me something I need to hear.

Thank you.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #216 on: May 13, 2020, 02:44:05 PM »
Hops:

There's lessons for both of us, I'm sure. 

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #217 on: May 22, 2020, 02:43:54 PM »
I haven't seen my Moss friend L in over a week.  Her BIL and SIL have been visiting and she's taking a  course she's overwhelmed with.  I really miss her, and I didn't realize that till just now. 

I have a social distancing BBQ tomorrow evening with a couple I really like.  He's the sweetest man you've ever talked to... think Mr. Rogers building Ukeleles, and she's a Pediatrician from the UK now heading up a major health care system.... not sure which one in our County, but will hear all about it tomorrow I'm sure.  They just got a BIG puppy, part herding shepherd and part Newfoundland so his paws are HUGE.  He's just adorable with his stubby little legs and chubby look. 

It will be interesting to SEE and hear how this Doc is navigating social interaction, come to think of it, as they're cooking for us.

A neighbor offered eggs on the Neighborhood message board.  About 100 people jumped on the offer... turns out there's not that many chickens.  I was third on the list and just got MINE!  So.  Happy.  I was the first person to ask to see the chickens, and she was delighted to share them.  Said she was disappointed no family with children had shown interest.

Honestly, she wasn't a good communicator.... we had no idea she wanted attention from the shy original post.  She's reaching out for contact.... I was so thrilled that was the case and posted exactly what the situation was so she'll be getting lots of offers for company, I'm sure.

The other happy news with the egg gal is....
she has like... 100 tomato plants in the ground!  What will she do with all those tomatoes.. do'ya think?  I suggested she sell them to her neighbors!  Honestly, I have my own plants... 5,  but would love to spend time in her huge garden, next to the chickens, picking sun-ripened tomatoes for customers she's selling them to. 

We're cleaning out problem areas in the house.  The absolute mess of wires and video games and controllers under the LR TV are all tidied, up, behind TVt of the way or in a cupboard, we cleaned out for that purpose.

I'd be in the yard, but it's raining again! 

I'm just so happy about the eggs and looking forward to visiting.

Lighter


lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #218 on: May 22, 2020, 07:56:37 PM »
I set a visit with moss friend L (MFL) in the morning.  I've really missed her and have been looking forward to discussing both our yards... collecting moss.... talking about her classes.... my stuff.

At first she invited me to a Sunday night BBQ with her neighbors and daughter.  I thought.... I'll be recovering from a Saturday night BBQ... I just don't want to do that, so I asked for what I wanted again, gave her an out and let it go. 

I'm happy I asked for what I want.  I'm happy she's recovered from her company and ready to visit again.  I'm happy I didn't say yes to that second BBQ, though I can if I want.

This is new for me.  To ask for exactly what I want and not get sidetracked by anything.. and there are so many things to get sidetracked by when you're used to caretaking other people and their feelings as default. 

Putting that down.... and gently observing it provides space to SEE it clearly, without emotion, and get on with taking care of myself as priority.  I'm astonished at the interior pressure I feel to please others.... without thinking about it.  I can avoid feeling overwhelmed.  I don't have to regret saying YES if I say NO to things I don't want to do.  Wow, I bet that looks crazy to people who always ask for what they want.

I also sent a text to MFL's neighbors, with the amazing moss yard.  I want to compare notes and see if they know what the yellow circles in my moss are.

The boy is back in the house. 

I was in the yard moving rocks and thinking about what I want to do next with Hosta.  It's still raining!  I saw a chipmunk and put a screen over the rain barrel where the squirrel drowned.  I'm amazed at how clear and clean the water is in barrels receiving no sunlight. 

The tomatoes all look OK after the rain.... even the two little ones I peeled off larger plants from the nursery.  That's 8 tomato plants, which seems like more than enough to me.  5 pepper plants, hot and sweet.  Something's coming up.... I think it's seedlings I planted.  Will have to see what it was... I think zucchini and lettuces.

We have Thai lettuce wraps and ham/black lentil soup in the fridge, so I don't have to fuss with cooking for a while.

Lighter







lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #219 on: May 22, 2020, 08:11:15 PM »
The egg lady just texted thanks for the visit.  She'd been discouraged, bc a neighbor 80 on the list reported her for selling eggs.  I told her it wasn't personal. He was upset she didn't have enough eggs for everyone.... and he transferred some aggression her way.  It happens, even if it doesn't make sense.  She had such hurt feelings, and I know what that feels like.  A psychic slap when you feel you're doing something kind and it backfires. 

She's back in a happy mood.  I'm hoping we're buzzing about her veggies stand in the near future.  Everyone was so excited about the eggs!
Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #220 on: May 23, 2020, 02:25:59 PM »
Nothing's quite as easy as canning tomato sauce, Lighter. Yeah, there's the boiling, skinning & pureeing stage which takes some time. I'll cook it down a little, with some onions & garlic - salt & pepper before filling jars and the water bath. With the minimal spicing in the jarred sauce - it can go a lot of different directions.

And it's soooo satisfying in January, to see all the pretty jars and taste summer in chili, marinara, whatever.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #221 on: May 23, 2020, 02:51:01 PM »
I'm positive pretty jarred tomatoes, lined up on a shelf like soldiers, is more satisfying to use than bagged tomatoes taking up valued freezer space, but that's how I do it.  Blanch, peel, bag and freeze. 

It's impressive you actually cook them down a bit, with seasoning. 

I can't wait to hear about your garden and canning sessions.  I hope we all have luck growing things.

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #222 on: May 24, 2020, 07:21:16 AM »
The neighbor's BBQ was so nice... not a moment of regret or discomfort.  They're very genuine, kind, funny and make really good burgers, and brats.  I had a burger and a brat... baked beans, half a gf bun, beautiful greens and a slice of tomato.  THANK YOU.  So good.  We ate in front of an outdoor fireplace the husband built himself from the ruins of their burned down interior fireplace.  I guess they gutted the house in 2006.  They had a bunny who needed food.  The mom left something on the stove when she went to get bunny food and so the dad turned the stones around and used them to make the fireplace and a beautiful retaining wall.  So creative and competent.    Everyone chimed in.. two of their daughters were home from University, one with a bf in tow.  One dd, 6"1', btw... worked on making a fire of wet wood till she got the job done.  After dinner the kids did the dishes without being told.   They're bunny people!

The mom, who runs a 100-bed hospital about a half-hour away, seemed a bit frazzled.  She said they need to keep half the beds full of COVID patients to keep the system running and achieve herd immunity.  They take the temp of everyone who walks in the door, which is frustrating for her to pay an expensive nurse to do that.  Also, measuring everyone's oxygen levels is super frustrating bc it takes a while to get an accurate reading AND there's no reliable way to know if an asymptomatic person has the virus without testing.  There are still parts of State who don't have the ability to test the number of people who need testing, and demands are being made they do it anyway, which is crazy making.  We sat around and played with pulse oximeters while oldest dd explained why they work... she's a bio tech major.  Very interesting.  We were seeing which PO was most reliable.  The one from China did as a good a job as the others. They all seemed to be working fine and I borrowed one to test youngest dd, which I did when I got home.  I ordered one for us, and will return this one today.  I really like these guys.  Their new very large puppy jumped up, mostly on me, a bit.  I hate being perceived as the weakest link and tried to train him into better habits, but he was so fluffy and adorable.  I just couldn't be stern proactively. My first instinct was to adore him.     

They had gf cookies... very yummy.... and the oldest dd made lemon bars. The dad showed me his Ukelele building workshop... he also builds guitars and banjos.  They're beautiful.  Most have Kona wood faces.... mother of pearl inlay on some.  Just beautiful to look at. I wish my youngest had gone with me and played some.  She wasn't feeling it and I didn't mind the separation for a few hours.  We've had a lot of together time.  The other mom was struggling a bit with a new puppy and kids in the house after 4 years of having the house basically to her and her husband, but she remained nice and didn't complain... just mentioned the difference in their lives, along with the COVID situation.  It's a lot. 

She said her hospital began theoretical discussions about Covid when it seemed unreal, but this prepared them well ahead.  They always wear masks when they go out and don't understand people who won't wear them. 

Today they'll show me how they cut through the neighborhood on foot to get to my yard from theirs. 

I don't think I've ever been to a gathering that didn't suck the life out of me, at least a bit.  I'm sure part of it was not having to cook or clean or worry about people getting along.  I don't feel anything but energized and well fed.  This is new.   

Lighter



 

CB123

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #223 on: May 24, 2020, 11:21:24 AM »
Lighter, how nice! Those are the best kinds of gatherings, and so few and far between that I can't remember the last one I went to. They sound like such interesting people too!

Yeah, I hear those kinds of stories from my son too. Keeps you grounded to talk to the people who are in the trenches, doesnt it?

Cb
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #224 on: May 24, 2020, 01:39:01 PM »
Lighter you have been SO enjoying your neighbors, it sounds like you're really creating community for yourself. Bravo. And that party sounded like social heaven right now.

How did everyone manage social distancing? I've limited myself to one-on-one (occasionally the couple next door) visits in the yard eight feet apart, nobody handling anyone else's food/plate/glass. I set wine on a tray on a bench another six feet away and when s/he needs a refill I literally take their glass with a paper towel and pour them more. Same for ferrying their glass or snack plate into the dishwasher. May seem extreme but it makes everybody more relaxed.

Cases are mounting fairly quickly in our area. Fourteen new cases today when it was three just a few days ago. Total cases are 416; 20 have died. I'm not crazy about those odds so I'm not "opening up" even though public restrictions are easing some. I do know how healing it's been to have the weekly backyard visits though; it makes a huge difference.

Stay safe and stay happy!
hugs
Hops
« Last Edit: May 24, 2020, 01:46:05 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."