Mindfulness and codependence thread

[sKePTiKal]

I notice how all of us respond to "specifics" based on our own frame of references and past experiences... and emotional predilections.

I tend to be as pro-active as Lighter, if not a little more. The way it works for me, is that I assume full responsibility for my own security around here. (Closest friends are 10 mins away; sheriff longer; and maybe one of my neighbors would respond or maybe they wouldn't.) My security extends an umbrella over every life at my farm. Down to shelter and food - number of servings available per person. I can't afford to ACT on compassion until that's secure and there is surplus. I can FEEL compassion - but it's foolish for me to act on compassion and possibly set my small group of people at risk by not maintaining their security first.

The location and amount of space around me, actually poses some problems in the way of security - but having the kids here is helpful because the Hut faces the only other access into the property (without rock climbing gear). It's true I seldom see other people here because of the location. When I DO see someone - I'm usually expecting them. Occasionally, there is someone who WASN'T invited or expected... who was out "exploring". And I need to take some more actions to prevent looky-loos and the stray realtor who might try to convince me to sell. (grrrrr) That means signage; a gated entrance; and notice of private property; no trespassing. For starters.

There are quite a few "moving pieces" in the puzzle of society right now. As above, so below. In my group - John is preparing to depart, his purpose in being here having been as fulfilled as its likely to be. So he'll be moving on to work with a group that responds to disasters and at the moment are running an auxiliary "meals on wheels" kind of effort for people who are extremely self-isolating. I will be getting my house emptied out again when Hol moves into the Hut, and Buck isn't bringing much except tools, necessities, his "just in case" inventory for weathering unexpected situations... and his skills and knowledge. I'm postponing the non-necessary projects until he's here to help design.

Hol and I disagree on this particular balance of security to compassion. She thinks a friend of friends of one her inner circle of friends can be trusted with our location and welcomed in without any restrictions. I say NO... because on the off chance that society's glue comes apart even more... one of the best security features we have in the location is that not even locals knew "this was here". True - I can find it on Google earth - but their marker is in the wrong location. LOLOLOL. And GPS is really spotty out here. Even when I've given specific directions to someone - they've had trouble finding it.  I like it that way. Not because I'm paranoid or afraid - but because it's an advantage; an extra edge that I don't have to worry about security on a regular basis.

That frees me up to do all this other stuff.

[lighter]

Tupp and Hops:

I appreciate the care and concern you're expressing.  I'm trying to figure out a  sane way to navigate the world. 

I live a few minutes away from the posh neighborhood's walking trails where the naked, pooping, masturbating man was reported and the middle-aged, dog kicking woman screamed at the young mother and young children. 

That didn't happen at the downtown grocery store, which is located very near the bus station,  now that I think of it.   

I, like everyone else, want things to be OK.  I want my daughters to be OK, no matter what.  I agree.... avoiding bad situations is the highest form of self-preservation.   

I hope I strike the right balance with self-preservation skills and the girls. The goal is to empower them, help them feel less at the mercy of, and more secure in the world.   Not less. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Well, Lighter, on balance in this situation--ONE naked pooper creeper and ONE woman losing it in public probably aren't a shocking level of civil decay. It just sounds so intense when you describe things at times, I may have misunderstood it as Defcon Three. Glad the girls are okay and of course you're doing a great job.

Amber, that's cool that even Google can't fully figure your location out. I've lived in several mountain areas and understand that sense of security. Despite scary stories on TV, I think it really is pretty rare for people to be attacked in their homes in mountain culture (barring domestic abuse, which is everywhere).

If the zombie apocalypse comes, I'll meet them at the door and hand out knives and forks. Actual confrontation with violence is just not on my menu. I feel lucky I've avoided it so far and accept my limits. I also try not to attract confrontation.

I hope all of us stay aware without feeding the fear furnace, keep what we do see around us in proportion, and focus on the positive connections that also keep us safe. Caring neighbors, decent local governments (or helping grow those) and a one-tribe attitude.

Very easy to write. Not as easy to fulfill, but I think it's where we have to go.

Hugs all,
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

I'll be more precise about my vivid jottings.  I meant to be more careful.  I thought I was.  You aren't the only one who's confused, so it's me.   

In the same spirit you're posting to me, I will add a handful of salt and share my reactivity around the phrase......

"I try not to attract confrontation." 

I know you didn't mean it in a way that suggests trouble is asked for, or sought out, can always be avoided.  It pinged that way for me, even though I know you want to keep everyone safe and away from harm.  This is your spirit, Hops. 

I trained to feel safer in the world, and avoid conflict.  The way we carry ourselves is part of staying safe.  That was lesson number one. 
 
Lighter







 


 

[Hopalong]

I hear you, ((((Lighter)))).
Thanks for your sensitive tuning.

I think I OVER-tune to language choices and rhythms sometimes.
It just all goes deep into that poetry place, which is almost beneath
my consciousness sometimes.

I do not ever think anybody (or anybody here!) intentionally attracts or stimulates violence.

I think I just lack the brain-part that is warrior-like. It's just...entirely absent.
Compare a bunny wabbit to a tiger and you'll get the idea.

I'm glad you shone a light into how interpretations, rightly or wrongly, can tilt how we see each other. And to ditch the royalty...how MY interpretations can do that.

Still pondering what the lesson is but I feel I've just been given a perceptive and sensitive observation that will teach me something I need to hear.

Thank you.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

There's lessons for both of us, I'm sure. 

Lighter

[lighter]

I haven't seen my Moss friend L in over a week.  Her BIL and SIL have been visiting and she's taking a  course she's overwhelmed with.  I really miss her, and I didn't realize that till just now. 

I have a social distancing BBQ tomorrow evening with a couple I really like.  He's the sweetest man you've ever talked to... think Mr. Rogers building Ukeleles, and she's a Pediatrician from the UK now heading up a major health care system.... not sure which one in our County, but will hear all about it tomorrow I'm sure.  They just got a BIG puppy, part herding shepherd and part Newfoundland so his paws are HUGE.  He's just adorable with his stubby little legs and chubby look. 

It will be interesting to SEE and hear how this Doc is navigating social interaction, come to think of it, as they're cooking for us.

A neighbor offered eggs on the Neighborhood message board.  About 100 people jumped on the offer... turns out there's not that many chickens.  I was third on the list and just got MINE!  So.  Happy.  I was the first person to ask to see the chickens, and she was delighted to share them.  Said she was disappointed no family with children had shown interest.

Honestly, she wasn't a good communicator.... we had no idea she wanted attention from the shy original post.  She's reaching out for contact.... I was so thrilled that was the case and posted exactly what the situation was so she'll be getting lots of offers for company, I'm sure.

The other happy news with the egg gal is....
she has like... 100 tomato plants in the ground!  What will she do with all those tomatoes.. do'ya think?  I suggested she sell them to her neighbors!  Honestly, I have my own plants... 5,  but would love to spend time in her huge garden, next to the chickens, picking sun-ripened tomatoes for customers she's selling them to. 

We're cleaning out problem areas in the house.  The absolute mess of wires and video games and controllers under the LR TV are all tidied, up, behind TVt of the way or in a cupboard, we cleaned out for that purpose.

I'd be in the yard, but it's raining again! 

I'm just so happy about the eggs and looking forward to visiting.

Lighter

[lighter]

I set a visit with moss friend L (MFL) in the morning.  I've really missed her and have been looking forward to discussing both our yards... collecting moss.... talking about her classes.... my stuff.

At first she invited me to a Sunday night BBQ with her neighbors and daughter.  I thought.... I'll be recovering from a Saturday night BBQ... I just don't want to do that, so I asked for what I wanted again, gave her an out and let it go. 

I'm happy I asked for what I want.  I'm happy she's recovered from her company and ready to visit again.  I'm happy I didn't say yes to that second BBQ, though I can if I want.

This is new for me.  To ask for exactly what I want and not get sidetracked by anything.. and there are so many things to get sidetracked by when you're used to caretaking other people and their feelings as default. 

Putting that down.... and gently observing it provides space to SEE it clearly, without emotion, and get on with taking care of myself as priority.  I'm astonished at the interior pressure I feel to please others.... without thinking about it.  I can avoid feeling overwhelmed.  I don't have to regret saying YES if I say NO to things I don't want to do.  Wow, I bet that looks crazy to people who always ask for what they want.

I also sent a text to MFL's neighbors, with the amazing moss yard.  I want to compare notes and see if they know what the yellow circles in my moss are.

The boy is back in the house. 

I was in the yard moving rocks and thinking about what I want to do next with Hosta.  It's still raining!  I saw a chipmunk and put a screen over the rain barrel where the squirrel drowned.  I'm amazed at how clear and clean the water is in barrels receiving no sunlight. 

The tomatoes all look OK after the rain.... even the two little ones I peeled off larger plants from the nursery.  That's 8 tomato plants, which seems like more than enough to me.  5 pepper plants, hot and sweet.  Something's coming up.... I think it's seedlings I planted.  Will have to see what it was... I think zucchini and lettuces.

We have Thai lettuce wraps and ham/black lentil soup in the fridge, so I don't have to fuss with cooking for a while.

Lighter

[lighter]

The egg lady just texted thanks for the visit.  She'd been discouraged, bc a neighbor 80 on the list reported her for selling eggs.  I told her it wasn't personal. He was upset she didn't have enough eggs for everyone.... and he transferred some aggression her way.  It happens, even if it doesn't make sense.  She had such hurt feelings, and I know what that feels like.  A psychic slap when you feel you're doing something kind and it backfires. 

She's back in a happy mood.  I'm hoping we're buzzing about her veggies stand in the near future.  Everyone was so excited about the eggs!
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Nothing's quite as easy as canning tomato sauce, Lighter. Yeah, there's the boiling, skinning & pureeing stage which takes some time. I'll cook it down a little, with some onions & garlic - salt & pepper before filling jars and the water bath. With the minimal spicing in the jarred sauce - it can go a lot of different directions.

And it's soooo satisfying in January, to see all the pretty jars and taste summer in chili, marinara, whatever.

[lighter]

I'm positive pretty jarred tomatoes, lined up on a shelf like soldiers, is more satisfying to use than bagged tomatoes taking up valued freezer space, but that's how I do it.  Blanch, peel, bag and freeze. 

It's impressive you actually cook them down a bit, with seasoning. 

I can't wait to hear about your garden and canning sessions.  I hope we all have luck growing things.

Lighter

[lighter]

The neighbor's BBQ was so nice... not a moment of regret or discomfort.  They're very genuine, kind, funny and make really good burgers, and brats.  I had a burger and a brat... baked beans, half a gf bun, beautiful greens and a slice of tomato.  THANK YOU.  So good.  We ate in front of an outdoor fireplace the husband built himself from the ruins of their burned down interior fireplace.  I guess they gutted the house in 2006.  They had a bunny who needed food.  The mom left something on the stove when she went to get bunny food and so the dad turned the stones around and used them to make the fireplace and a beautiful retaining wall.  So creative and competent.    Everyone chimed in.. two of their daughters were home from University, one with a bf in tow.  One dd, 6"1', btw... worked on making a fire of wet wood till she got the job done.  After dinner the kids did the dishes without being told.   They're bunny people!

The mom, who runs a 100-bed hospital about a half-hour away, seemed a bit frazzled.  She said they need to keep half the beds full of COVID patients to keep the system running and achieve herd immunity.  They take the temp of everyone who walks in the door, which is frustrating for her to pay an expensive nurse to do that.  Also, measuring everyone's oxygen levels is super frustrating bc it takes a while to get an accurate reading AND there's no reliable way to know if an asymptomatic person has the virus without testing.  There are still parts of State who don't have the ability to test the number of people who need testing, and demands are being made they do it anyway, which is crazy making.  We sat around and played with pulse oximeters while oldest dd explained why they work... she's a bio tech major.  Very interesting.  We were seeing which PO was most reliable.  The one from China did as a good a job as the others. They all seemed to be working fine and I borrowed one to test youngest dd, which I did when I got home.  I ordered one for us, and will return this one today.  I really like these guys.  Their new very large puppy jumped up, mostly on me, a bit.  I hate being perceived as the weakest link and tried to train him into better habits, but he was so fluffy and adorable.  I just couldn't be stern proactively. My first instinct was to adore him.     

They had gf cookies... very yummy.... and the oldest dd made lemon bars. The dad showed me his Ukelele building workshop... he also builds guitars and banjos.  They're beautiful.  Most have Kona wood faces.... mother of pearl inlay on some.  Just beautiful to look at. I wish my youngest had gone with me and played some.  She wasn't feeling it and I didn't mind the separation for a few hours.  We've had a lot of together time.  The other mom was struggling a bit with a new puppy and kids in the house after 4 years of having the house basically to her and her husband, but she remained nice and didn't complain... just mentioned the difference in their lives, along with the COVID situation.  It's a lot. 

She said her hospital began theoretical discussions about Covid when it seemed unreal, but this prepared them well ahead.  They always wear masks when they go out and don't understand people who won't wear them. 

Today they'll show me how they cut through the neighborhood on foot to get to my yard from theirs. 

I don't think I've ever been to a gathering that didn't suck the life out of me, at least a bit.  I'm sure part of it was not having to cook or clean or worry about people getting along.  I don't feel anything but energized and well fed.  This is new.   

Lighter



 

[Hopalong]

Lighter you have been SO enjoying your neighbors, it sounds like you're really creating community for yourself. Bravo. And that party sounded like social heaven right now.

How did everyone manage social distancing? I've limited myself to one-on-one (occasionally the couple next door) visits in the yard eight feet apart, nobody handling anyone else's food/plate/glass. I set wine on a tray on a bench another six feet away and when s/he needs a refill I literally take their glass with a paper towel and pour them more. Same for ferrying their glass or snack plate into the dishwasher. May seem extreme but it makes everybody more relaxed.

Cases are mounting fairly quickly in our area. Fourteen new cases today when it was three just a few days ago. Total cases are 416; 20 have died. I'm not crazy about those odds so I'm not "opening up" even though public restrictions are easing some. I do know how healing it's been to have the weekly backyard visits though; it makes a huge difference.

Stay safe and stay happy!
hugs
Hops

[lighter]

CB and Hops:

We had chairs spaced appropriately, in a circle, not 8 feet apart...maybe 6 feet....around a little table, in front of the fireplace.  That was the main group area.  Wine was poured into our glasses without being handled by the one doing the pouring.   

We served ourselves food, one at a time, using our clean utensils to get the burger or beans.   

We ate in our chairs, plates in our laps...  wine on the little table. 

The dad gave me a short tour of the house and workroom.... we weren't ever close to each other and it didn't feel weird.  It's starting to feel normal, I guess. 

I like to have an antibac wipe IN my hand as I navigate stores or social gatherings.  I wipe my hands, and things and handles and it's second nature now.  I squirt hand sanitizer into the wipe when it's too dry to use.  I found 4 small bottles of grapefruit hand sanitizer in my sock drawer and they smell divine.  Very happy with that.

Things felt very normal.  No one tried to hug or get close.   Everyone was pretty sober.  I think that makes a big difference.  The people who drink too much forget about social distancing, IME.  I had zero sense these folks would step in close or touch my glass.  I don't know why they assumed I'd keep my distance, but they seemed relaxed and I guess I didn't give them reason to feel tense.

I have no problem stopping people from hugging me now, btw.  A couple hugs got by in the beginning... it felt shocking to stop people at first, but I'm over that.  It's as much for their good as mine, so that's how I look at it.  it helps. 

Lighter

[CB123]

Grapefruit hand sanitizer!
Now on my wish list!

CB