Author Topic: Mindfulness and codependence thread  (Read 5826 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #285 on: July 10, 2020, 06:23:45 AM »
I'm glad you're happy, Lighter, and that the bad memories have receded.  And that you have good memories of childhood as well.  The clown costume sounds great; I hope DD has a lovely birthday :)  Is that what the party's for?  I know it's a little bit away yet but I wondered if it was a birthday party of just a getting together party?  I hope she really enjoys her day xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #286 on: July 10, 2020, 02:40:32 PM »
DD decided she wants an intimate party... just her sister, and me, there.  Today she is 18!

We went to a fancy grocery store, where dd chose a fancy cake, and many fancy ivory and gold candles... so pretty!

I think this will be more of a photo op for her.  DD hasn't really been chipper and outgoing since COVID. 

I think she's getting what she wants though.

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #287 on: July 11, 2020, 03:06:47 AM »
Aw, LIghter, Happy, Happy Birthday to DD!  Give her a big birthday hug from us.  Intimate parties are the best, especially when there's fancy cake!  Have a really lovely time.  Gosh your girls are so grown up now.  Is 18 a really big celebration there or is that more 21st?  We kind of do both here, and then it's the decade milestones after that.  Have a really lovely day xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #288 on: July 11, 2020, 12:40:24 PM »
Yes, Tupp.  18th BD is official adult BD.  Of course, she can't officially drink, though she can serve in the armed forces or become a sex worker, which honestly.... would warrant a drink, IMO. 

Not that she's entertaining the sex worker career.  She has considered the armed forces, however.

Her photos from last night are amazing....  really came out carny circus from the 1920s.... maybe.  So cool. 

I'll respond to your other posts... I don't have enough time to do them justice right now.  The Pug awaits her outdoor shower with Grandma!

And it is gloooooooorrrrriouse today.   Just windy and mild and breezy and I can't get he smile off my face!  SO HAPPY to be busy... enjoying everything I do.  No worries, and normally I'd be all uptight about kitchens and bathrooms being pristine.

::blowing raspberry::

All will be well, and my mind is nowhere close to worrying about housework...  I have lots packed to go... enjoying that a lot.

I went to Hopey this morning, for more fresh mozzarella to pair with OHIO tomatoes, warm off the vine, and they told me I couldn't get in yet... only the elderly and pregnant women.  I was about to beg for my order to be handed to me when they guy said... "Sorry, just 55 and older"  hee.

I pranced on in, happy to be right on time, and mistaken for younger... I think the fact I park so far away, to older people and women with children can take the closer spots, he assumed I was younger.  Also.... lots of dancing in the car going on.

Only 5 cheese balls left... so I got them, then found a few GF items. 

I have to tell you... rest is more important... deep sleep.... than getting the house perfect.  It's like a shift happened while I was sleeping.... my brain just clicked into another gear....
slower, happier, less OCD gear. 

I also think the Island Guests not contacting me for an entire day helped.

::twirling back to the job at hand...looking for pug::

Lighter




Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #289 on: July 20, 2020, 04:15:38 AM »
I'm glad everything is looking so good, Lighter, and that DD enjoyed her birthday.  Yes, consent ages are odd here as well - you can join the Army at 16 but you can't get a tattoo or buy yourself a pint?  I suppose where they've made different laws at different times society's been different.  They could probably do with reviewing a lot of stuff (although they probably all have more important things to worry about just now :) ).  Did Pug enjoy her shower? xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #290 on: July 21, 2020, 10:37:38 AM »
Tupp:

Pug doesn't enjoy shower or bath time.  She endures them; )
Time to have her shaved.  She almost had a heat stroke on the forest trails the other day.

We wet her down and carried her, bc she collapsed.  So scary.  All better now.  She needs her summer shave.

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #291 on: July 26, 2020, 12:06:45 PM »
These have been busy, delightful days.

Yesterday my niece's bf and I went for a nature walk....or.... more correctly.... a moss, stone, salamander and frog collection walk with 2 sleds, and numerous buckets and smaller containers.   

It's a good thing my sis and I put a heavy rope on one of the sleds, bc it needed it yesterday when we realized we had one super heavy sled and one moderately heavy after all the dirt was drenched with a downpour.  I couldn't really pull either very far on my own and we were on the bottom of a pretty steep incline.   

I've been at the bottom of that incline many times, btw.  I KNOW better than to overload any vessel I'm pulling or carrying, but when the rain started..... and the creek rose, we got all happy with it.   We collected beautiful moss, WET moss, and stones... he liked the orange ones, I like the white ones.  SO many stones.  He caught a tiny frog, a brown salamander and a bright orange salamander.  SO EXCITING, like little children, playing in the rain together and that lead to us tying the sleds together with him pulling like a horse, and me pulling the nose of the first sled up and our hearts were pumping, heavy breathing, pulling, resting, pulling resting till we were back home. 

The boy dropped the sleds and immediately tended to the wildlife, which is what he does on the island.  Drops the luggage, strips down to his swim shorts and runs into the water, no matter the wind or temperature, and comes back out with lobsters and fish to eat.  He also catches little fish and shrimps to keep in a veggie drawer from the fridge.  A true nature child. 

He's been fishing at the little lake, and up to his hips in mud trying to reach a sandbar at the little lake where he let most of the tadpoles go.  He wants to catch one of the 3 foot carp usually traveling in 2s and 3s.  Very exciting.  I think we'll go fishing today. 

If I don't have unmittigated poison ivy on my forearms, I'll be very surprised.

So, the back porch has 3 large glass containers filled with toads, millipedes, salamanders and tadpoles..... decorative lights, candles and vases filled with flowering branches and fern leaves backlight the tadpole tank.  There's a big fan keeping the mosquitos down.  Everything's green and happy from the rain.

I'm happy too.

Lighter










Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #292 on: July 26, 2020, 01:08:51 PM »
Wow, Lighter, that sounds idyllic!  Will be so nice to sit out and look at how pretty everything looks.  Great way to keep busy during the day as well, so active and so much fun!  I'm so glad you're having such a good time xx xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #293 on: July 28, 2020, 01:51:53 PM »
Thanks, Tupp.

The last time I spoke with T she said "secure attachment" .... almost under her breathe.

  Like THAT's what we've been slogging towards this entire time.
And that made sense to me.  Forming a secure attachment with myself.... MY adult self.... my Mommy self, as a valuable resource.

My mother was very young when she had me.  The age of the mother, at the time of her first child, is the primary indicator for how well the children will do..... I'm paraphrasing here, but mom was 19... right out of highschool.  The only one in her friend group to make it OUT before getting pregnant.  Just very young. 

I feel as though the T COULD have explained all this up front, but it wouldn't have helped and might have slowed things down even.  I feel as though she set a course, for a place I couldn't really comprehend in the headspace I was in.  I feel like she took me up dell and down dell to get there.... showing me many different aspects of the same thing to drive home  lessons in different ways... adding to understanding and depth of internalization.   Beefing up important aspects of healing and driving home lessons, over and over again, which I appreciate and find helpful. 

There were many AHA! moments where she took me round to the back side of something I'd seen before.... and recognized them without them pointing it out.  Allowing me to pick up, examine and drop or keep things in my own time.  No rush.  Only acceptance and fellowship... always overtly kind and understanding.... willing to take me around the other path when I stiffened up, which happened less and less as we went on.

And I do find most Ts, in my experience, get impatient or have expectations of their own.... they get in the way.  Shut down communication, it's about them OR they're just overwhelmed and look to feel helpless.... I've seen 3 cry and that was the case with the Nurse Practitioner who tried Therapeutic Yoga with me.... then referred me to current T, who wasn't frightened or overwhelmed or in upset in any way.... just calmly went about resolving issues... never ever ever did anything outside that..... consistent.... competent... super informed.

I do feel all her skills pressed in and made the difference, for me, bc I am a fighter.  Justice, the idea of justice, MY idea of justice has never been a gray area, in any way.... she had to teach me to SEE it, and accept all the injustice and make peace with it so I could see the rest of the lessons, which wasn't easy.

The joy attached to being fully present is less like a light switch now. It's not mysterious.  The  toughest part isn't doubting or trying to believe.  The toughest part is remaining very kind with myself, and going back to being present after my thoughts have danced off into past/future, which happens
all
the
time.

And that's OK. 

Yesterday I spent the day attempting to SEE the world through the eyes of a child.  I did very well with it, then noticed when I didn't. 

I'm going to a new creek today, with niece's bf, and that's my goal.  TO BE A CHILD with his child, and he's absolutely immersed in being present...in nature....in finding joy exactly where he is. It's one of the things that brings so much joy right now. 

Yesterday he caught a crawfish and let the toads and millipedes go.  He wants 2 more crawfish, and that's the mission today.  I think his orange salamander got away....it was very active.  Maybe it scaled the glass walls.  I feel good about it if it did.  The snails were out in a matter of minutes, lol.


I have some amazing tadpole pictures to share: )

Lighter


lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #294 on: July 29, 2020, 01:01:21 PM »
Yesterday the boy and I went into the forest looking for better creek action.

We failed, then collected beautiful flowers during our walk back in a thunderstorm.

As lightening crashed and banged around us, as we dropped off the flowers and phones at the house, we decided to go to the best creek, which was running so high and fast it would have dragged us away if we stepped in too deep. 

We found a baby box turtle and the storm ended on our way home.

We went back to the creek at midnight.  The shape of the creek, water flow and tons of rocks had all been moved and changed... repositioned.  Amazing.

The boy found many baby salamanders, and 3 more crawfish... very feisty things.  Territorial too, I think.

Today we release everything but the tadpoles.  I still have people adopting them, which is very cool. 

If I can figure out how to shrink photo files I'll post some pics.  They're kind of astonishing.  I'm not sure what's going on with their mouths.  They look drawn on with a black fine tip marker. 

I'm posting this here, bc I was very frightened by the lightening and ground shaking BOOMS of thunder.  It was right on top of us.  At a point I breathed into it and decided...... I have life insurance.... I've lived a good life... my kids are grown.  I'm going to be present NOW and not worry about the storm.  There was so much joy, from that point on.  I leaned into the feelong of rain on my skin, the colors and shapes aroud me..... it was exciting.  At the end of the storm a big cold wind took some of the fun away, but it was all new experiences..... I've never focused like that before. Had so much choice, or understood I had choice in that way.

I have questions for my T today.  How lives change when choice like this becomes default.  I look forward to what comes next. 

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #295 on: July 29, 2020, 01:52:56 PM »
That sounds wonderful, Lighter.
Exhilarating, empowering and yet, oddly peaceful too.

Good for you.
I'm hoisting an air-toast to much more internal freedom AND PEACE to come!

(It was such a good idea not to fight the storm, but just feel it. Bravo. And still, I know you'll avoid being caught in lightning risk TOO often....)

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #296 on: July 30, 2020, 03:33:38 AM »
That storm sounds like a brilliant analogy for life, Lighter, and one that we can't access when we're still dealing with all the 'stuff'.  I've got x, y and z in place.  I can do no more than that.  Let's just enjoy this.  Yes.  Amazing that you've come so far along this journey now that you can choose whether or not to be scared.  You've got that much control over your own responses now.  Wow.  Did you imagine you could get to that point?  I know over the many years I've been working on myself I've often wondered if I can reach a true state of 'I'm just doing my thing now' and genuinely not be thinking about other things.  What an inspirational story from you.  And it sounds like a lot of fun as well!  I love storms but I do remember being out in one once with my son and a thunder clap going off directly above us and dear Lord, my heart nearly stopped.  It's just so loud.  Mother Nature showing she's a bad ass :)

I really resonated with what you wrote about forming a secure attachment with yourself.  Makes so much sense and is something that can cause problems if we don't manage it in our earlier years, I think.  I've often felt that I'm acting at being a grown up, rather than actually being one.  I think the secure attachment is a part of being a grown up.

T's crying.  How do you feel about that?  I've had many over the years who've cried in front of me and said they feel tearful and/or emotional about what I said and to be honest, I don't like it.   I get that's it's probably about showing you that it's okay to feel emotions and respond to them but I kind of like them to be strong and stoical.  I think it pings too much on my "I must look after you" buttons and I feel like I have to watch what I say so they don't get upset.  Does it bother you if they do it?

And seeing the world through the eyes of a child.  I've found that so much with my boy; giving him the sort of childhood my mum didn't give me - the playing and making mud pies, long walks in the woods gathering acorns and leaves, reading stories, dressing up, finger painting, all that stuff.  It was like it healed up the little girl in me who longed to do that.  My dad did that stuff with me, I was lucky in that respect.  It really helps all of us to have that happy childhood, I think, even if it's in adult life that it occurs.  Really lovely reading your posts.  I think this T is a very good fit for you.

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #297 on: July 30, 2020, 07:22:07 AM »
Another Tupp amazingism:

Quote
It really helps all of us to have that happy childhood, I think, even if it's in adult life that it occurs.

Thank you, Tupp. I needed to hear this.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

cats paw

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #298 on: July 31, 2020, 10:25:44 AM »
Lighter,

  I can't believe so much time has gone by, and your DD is eighteen!  So much has changed from years back.

  You wrote "...accept the injustice and make peace with it, so I could see the rest of the lessons,".  The Serenity Prayer came to my mind after continuing
to ponder that part of what you wrote.

  I hope Pug is still doing well after that scare.
 
cp
 

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #299 on: July 31, 2020, 09:55:23 PM »
The Pug is losing weight... and had a very productive appointment with the chiropractor.

I expected more problems,  but chiro said there's no big problems.  One rear knee, not the one she injured as a little pup and limps on, is looser than the other one.  Neither has anything wrong with it. BUT her hips are tight. 

Her neck is tight as well, and he showed me how to decompress.... pulling... lengthening..... not squeezing neck.  I've done it daily.  I think it should be done several times a day, but her mommy... my 19yo dd, hasn't really picked up that ball yet. I have an 18yo dd too, they're almost 2 years apart.

  I'm just glad the Pug has a good prognosis.  Lose weight....between 6 and 8 lbs..... wear the halo device, and go through the motions of moving her hips, front legs, neck and take it easy.

About accepting injustice, cats paw....
it doesn't mean I say it's OK.  It doesn't mean I stop doing everything I can do, reasonably, to remedy injustice.  It means I don't waste my life worrying and raging over things I simply cannot change.  That sets me up to think more clearly, be more responsive and get important things done I might otherwise not accomplish, bc I'm focused on what I can't change.

I hope that makes sense, and it is the serenity prayer, more or less.  Just a different way of looking at it, with the benefit of understanding how worry and rage activate survival mode in our brains, creating biochemical hijacking, shutting down the parts of our brains we NEED to problem solve, be reasonable/rational and creative.... all the things we need to positively impact our lives and bring about the best possible outcome, IME.

I notice it every day now.  How much clarity is available.... if I'm paying attention.  How much easier, simpler, more joyful my life is..... now.  BC I'm not wasting my energy spinning my wheels over the things I can't change.  And it's glorious to notice and live in that difference, IME.  It's a whole new mental space, and I believe I'll never get dragged back down to those lower, very unproductive, levels again.  I believe it 100%, then notice the little challenges popping up for me.

What would that MEAN IF I didn't react the way I always have?  Who would I be?  Who WILL I be?

And I talk myself through it.... I'll be more responsive Lighter.  More capable Lighter.  I'll have more clarity and ability to act.

That's who I'll be.  I think that's who I've become.

Cats Paw.... if I ever hurt you on the board, I didn't mean to. I've learned so much from some of the board strife.  It was a relatively safe place to SEE and practice and notice, observe and impact... be impacted BY conflict in a way that wasn't too scary or constly, etc. 

You'll tell me if I said anything I need to explain or apologize for.  I don't want to go back and read old threads.  I'm very happy in the present: )

Lighter