Author Topic: Mindfulness and codependence thread  (Read 81151 times)

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #285 on: July 11, 2020, 12:40:24 PM »
Yes, Tupp.  18th BD is official adult BD.  Of course, she can't officially drink, though she can serve in the armed forces or become a sex worker, which honestly.... would warrant a drink, IMO. 

Not that she's entertaining the sex worker career.  She has considered the armed forces, however.

Her photos from last night are amazing....  really came out carny circus from the 1920s.... maybe.  So cool. 

I'll respond to your other posts... I don't have enough time to do them justice right now.  The Pug awaits her outdoor shower with Grandma!

And it is gloooooooorrrrriouse today.   Just windy and mild and breezy and I can't get he smile off my face!  SO HAPPY to be busy... enjoying everything I do.  No worries, and normally I'd be all uptight about kitchens and bathrooms being pristine.

::blowing raspberry::

All will be well, and my mind is nowhere close to worrying about housework...  I have lots packed to go... enjoying that a lot.

I went to Hopey this morning, for more fresh mozzarella to pair with OHIO tomatoes, warm off the vine, and they told me I couldn't get in yet... only the elderly and pregnant women.  I was about to beg for my order to be handed to me when they guy said... "Sorry, just 55 and older"  hee.

I pranced on in, happy to be right on time, and mistaken for younger... I think the fact I park so far away, to older people and women with children can take the closer spots, he assumed I was younger.  Also.... lots of dancing in the car going on.

Only 5 cheese balls left... so I got them, then found a few GF items. 

I have to tell you... rest is more important... deep sleep.... than getting the house perfect.  It's like a shift happened while I was sleeping.... my brain just clicked into another gear....
slower, happier, less OCD gear. 

I also think the Island Guests not contacting me for an entire day helped.

::twirling back to the job at hand...looking for pug::

Lighter




Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #286 on: July 20, 2020, 04:15:38 AM »
I'm glad everything is looking so good, Lighter, and that DD enjoyed her birthday.  Yes, consent ages are odd here as well - you can join the Army at 16 but you can't get a tattoo or buy yourself a pint?  I suppose where they've made different laws at different times society's been different.  They could probably do with reviewing a lot of stuff (although they probably all have more important things to worry about just now :) ).  Did Pug enjoy her shower? xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #287 on: July 21, 2020, 10:37:38 AM »
Tupp:

Pug doesn't enjoy shower or bath time.  She endures them; )
Time to have her shaved.  She almost had a heat stroke on the forest trails the other day.

We wet her down and carried her, bc she collapsed.  So scary.  All better now.  She needs her summer shave.

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #288 on: July 26, 2020, 12:06:45 PM »
These have been busy, delightful days.

Yesterday my niece's bf and I went for a nature walk....or.... more correctly.... a moss, stone, salamander and frog collection walk with 2 sleds, and numerous buckets and smaller containers.   

It's a good thing my sis and I put a heavy rope on one of the sleds, bc it needed it yesterday when we realized we had one super heavy sled and one moderately heavy after all the dirt was drenched with a downpour.  I couldn't really pull either very far on my own and we were on the bottom of a pretty steep incline.   

I've been at the bottom of that incline many times, btw.  I KNOW better than to overload any vessel I'm pulling or carrying, but when the rain started..... and the creek rose, we got all happy with it.   We collected beautiful moss, WET moss, and stones... he liked the orange ones, I like the white ones.  SO many stones.  He caught a tiny frog, a brown salamander and a bright orange salamander.  SO EXCITING, like little children, playing in the rain together and that lead to us tying the sleds together with him pulling like a horse, and me pulling the nose of the first sled up and our hearts were pumping, heavy breathing, pulling, resting, pulling resting till we were back home. 

The boy dropped the sleds and immediately tended to the wildlife, which is what he does on the island.  Drops the luggage, strips down to his swim shorts and runs into the water, no matter the wind or temperature, and comes back out with lobsters and fish to eat.  He also catches little fish and shrimps to keep in a veggie drawer from the fridge.  A true nature child. 

He's been fishing at the little lake, and up to his hips in mud trying to reach a sandbar at the little lake where he let most of the tadpoles go.  He wants to catch one of the 3 foot carp usually traveling in 2s and 3s.  Very exciting.  I think we'll go fishing today. 

If I don't have unmittigated poison ivy on my forearms, I'll be very surprised.

So, the back porch has 3 large glass containers filled with toads, millipedes, salamanders and tadpoles..... decorative lights, candles and vases filled with flowering branches and fern leaves backlight the tadpole tank.  There's a big fan keeping the mosquitos down.  Everything's green and happy from the rain.

I'm happy too.

Lighter










Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #289 on: July 26, 2020, 01:08:51 PM »
Wow, Lighter, that sounds idyllic!  Will be so nice to sit out and look at how pretty everything looks.  Great way to keep busy during the day as well, so active and so much fun!  I'm so glad you're having such a good time xx xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #290 on: July 28, 2020, 01:51:53 PM »
Thanks, Tupp.

The last time I spoke with T she said "secure attachment" .... almost under her breathe.

  Like THAT's what we've been slogging towards this entire time.
And that made sense to me.  Forming a secure attachment with myself.... MY adult self.... my Mommy self, as a valuable resource.

My mother was very young when she had me.  The age of the mother, at the time of her first child, is the primary indicator for how well the children will do..... I'm paraphrasing here, but mom was 19... right out of highschool.  The only one in her friend group to make it OUT before getting pregnant.  Just very young. 

I feel as though the T COULD have explained all this up front, but it wouldn't have helped and might have slowed things down even.  I feel as though she set a course, for a place I couldn't really comprehend in the headspace I was in.  I feel like she took me up dell and down dell to get there.... showing me many different aspects of the same thing to drive home  lessons in different ways... adding to understanding and depth of internalization.   Beefing up important aspects of healing and driving home lessons, over and over again, which I appreciate and find helpful. 

There were many AHA! moments where she took me round to the back side of something I'd seen before.... and recognized them without them pointing it out.  Allowing me to pick up, examine and drop or keep things in my own time.  No rush.  Only acceptance and fellowship... always overtly kind and understanding.... willing to take me around the other path when I stiffened up, which happened less and less as we went on.

And I do find most Ts, in my experience, get impatient or have expectations of their own.... they get in the way.  Shut down communication, it's about them OR they're just overwhelmed and look to feel helpless.... I've seen 3 cry and that was the case with the Nurse Practitioner who tried Therapeutic Yoga with me.... then referred me to current T, who wasn't frightened or overwhelmed or in upset in any way.... just calmly went about resolving issues... never ever ever did anything outside that..... consistent.... competent... super informed.

I do feel all her skills pressed in and made the difference, for me, bc I am a fighter.  Justice, the idea of justice, MY idea of justice has never been a gray area, in any way.... she had to teach me to SEE it, and accept all the injustice and make peace with it so I could see the rest of the lessons, which wasn't easy.

The joy attached to being fully present is less like a light switch now. It's not mysterious.  The  toughest part isn't doubting or trying to believe.  The toughest part is remaining very kind with myself, and going back to being present after my thoughts have danced off into past/future, which happens
all
the
time.

And that's OK. 

Yesterday I spent the day attempting to SEE the world through the eyes of a child.  I did very well with it, then noticed when I didn't. 

I'm going to a new creek today, with niece's bf, and that's my goal.  TO BE A CHILD with his child, and he's absolutely immersed in being present...in nature....in finding joy exactly where he is. It's one of the things that brings so much joy right now. 

Yesterday he caught a crawfish and let the toads and millipedes go.  He wants 2 more crawfish, and that's the mission today.  I think his orange salamander got away....it was very active.  Maybe it scaled the glass walls.  I feel good about it if it did.  The snails were out in a matter of minutes, lol.


I have some amazing tadpole pictures to share: )

Lighter


lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #291 on: July 29, 2020, 01:01:21 PM »
Yesterday the boy and I went into the forest looking for better creek action.

We failed, then collected beautiful flowers during our walk back in a thunderstorm.

As lightening crashed and banged around us, as we dropped off the flowers and phones at the house, we decided to go to the best creek, which was running so high and fast it would have dragged us away if we stepped in too deep. 

We found a baby box turtle and the storm ended on our way home.

We went back to the creek at midnight.  The shape of the creek, water flow and tons of rocks had all been moved and changed... repositioned.  Amazing.

The boy found many baby salamanders, and 3 more crawfish... very feisty things.  Territorial too, I think.

Today we release everything but the tadpoles.  I still have people adopting them, which is very cool. 

If I can figure out how to shrink photo files I'll post some pics.  They're kind of astonishing.  I'm not sure what's going on with their mouths.  They look drawn on with a black fine tip marker. 

I'm posting this here, bc I was very frightened by the lightening and ground shaking BOOMS of thunder.  It was right on top of us.  At a point I breathed into it and decided...... I have life insurance.... I've lived a good life... my kids are grown.  I'm going to be present NOW and not worry about the storm.  There was so much joy, from that point on.  I leaned into the feelong of rain on my skin, the colors and shapes aroud me..... it was exciting.  At the end of the storm a big cold wind took some of the fun away, but it was all new experiences..... I've never focused like that before. Had so much choice, or understood I had choice in that way.

I have questions for my T today.  How lives change when choice like this becomes default.  I look forward to what comes next. 

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #292 on: July 29, 2020, 01:52:56 PM »
That sounds wonderful, Lighter.
Exhilarating, empowering and yet, oddly peaceful too.

Good for you.
I'm hoisting an air-toast to much more internal freedom AND PEACE to come!

(It was such a good idea not to fight the storm, but just feel it. Bravo. And still, I know you'll avoid being caught in lightning risk TOO often....)

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #293 on: July 30, 2020, 03:33:38 AM »
That storm sounds like a brilliant analogy for life, Lighter, and one that we can't access when we're still dealing with all the 'stuff'.  I've got x, y and z in place.  I can do no more than that.  Let's just enjoy this.  Yes.  Amazing that you've come so far along this journey now that you can choose whether or not to be scared.  You've got that much control over your own responses now.  Wow.  Did you imagine you could get to that point?  I know over the many years I've been working on myself I've often wondered if I can reach a true state of 'I'm just doing my thing now' and genuinely not be thinking about other things.  What an inspirational story from you.  And it sounds like a lot of fun as well!  I love storms but I do remember being out in one once with my son and a thunder clap going off directly above us and dear Lord, my heart nearly stopped.  It's just so loud.  Mother Nature showing she's a bad ass :)

I really resonated with what you wrote about forming a secure attachment with yourself.  Makes so much sense and is something that can cause problems if we don't manage it in our earlier years, I think.  I've often felt that I'm acting at being a grown up, rather than actually being one.  I think the secure attachment is a part of being a grown up.

T's crying.  How do you feel about that?  I've had many over the years who've cried in front of me and said they feel tearful and/or emotional about what I said and to be honest, I don't like it.   I get that's it's probably about showing you that it's okay to feel emotions and respond to them but I kind of like them to be strong and stoical.  I think it pings too much on my "I must look after you" buttons and I feel like I have to watch what I say so they don't get upset.  Does it bother you if they do it?

And seeing the world through the eyes of a child.  I've found that so much with my boy; giving him the sort of childhood my mum didn't give me - the playing and making mud pies, long walks in the woods gathering acorns and leaves, reading stories, dressing up, finger painting, all that stuff.  It was like it healed up the little girl in me who longed to do that.  My dad did that stuff with me, I was lucky in that respect.  It really helps all of us to have that happy childhood, I think, even if it's in adult life that it occurs.  Really lovely reading your posts.  I think this T is a very good fit for you.

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #294 on: July 30, 2020, 07:22:07 AM »
Another Tupp amazingism:

Quote
It really helps all of us to have that happy childhood, I think, even if it's in adult life that it occurs.

Thank you, Tupp. I needed to hear this.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

cats paw

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #295 on: July 31, 2020, 10:25:44 AM »
Lighter,

  I can't believe so much time has gone by, and your DD is eighteen!  So much has changed from years back.

  You wrote "...accept the injustice and make peace with it, so I could see the rest of the lessons,".  The Serenity Prayer came to my mind after continuing
to ponder that part of what you wrote.

  I hope Pug is still doing well after that scare.
 
cp
 

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #296 on: July 31, 2020, 09:55:23 PM »
The Pug is losing weight... and had a very productive appointment with the chiropractor.

I expected more problems,  but chiro said there's no big problems.  One rear knee, not the one she injured as a little pup and limps on, is looser than the other one.  Neither has anything wrong with it. BUT her hips are tight. 

Her neck is tight as well, and he showed me how to decompress.... pulling... lengthening..... not squeezing neck.  I've done it daily.  I think it should be done several times a day, but her mommy... my 19yo dd, hasn't really picked up that ball yet. I have an 18yo dd too, they're almost 2 years apart.

  I'm just glad the Pug has a good prognosis.  Lose weight....between 6 and 8 lbs..... wear the halo device, and go through the motions of moving her hips, front legs, neck and take it easy.

About accepting injustice, cats paw....
it doesn't mean I say it's OK.  It doesn't mean I stop doing everything I can do, reasonably, to remedy injustice.  It means I don't waste my life worrying and raging over things I simply cannot change.  That sets me up to think more clearly, be more responsive and get important things done I might otherwise not accomplish, bc I'm focused on what I can't change.

I hope that makes sense, and it is the serenity prayer, more or less.  Just a different way of looking at it, with the benefit of understanding how worry and rage activate survival mode in our brains, creating biochemical hijacking, shutting down the parts of our brains we NEED to problem solve, be reasonable/rational and creative.... all the things we need to positively impact our lives and bring about the best possible outcome, IME.

I notice it every day now.  How much clarity is available.... if I'm paying attention.  How much easier, simpler, more joyful my life is..... now.  BC I'm not wasting my energy spinning my wheels over the things I can't change.  And it's glorious to notice and live in that difference, IME.  It's a whole new mental space, and I believe I'll never get dragged back down to those lower, very unproductive, levels again.  I believe it 100%, then notice the little challenges popping up for me.

What would that MEAN IF I didn't react the way I always have?  Who would I be?  Who WILL I be?

And I talk myself through it.... I'll be more responsive Lighter.  More capable Lighter.  I'll have more clarity and ability to act.

That's who I'll be.  I think that's who I've become.

Cats Paw.... if I ever hurt you on the board, I didn't mean to. I've learned so much from some of the board strife.  It was a relatively safe place to SEE and practice and notice, observe and impact... be impacted BY conflict in a way that wasn't too scary or constly, etc. 

You'll tell me if I said anything I need to explain or apologize for.  I don't want to go back and read old threads.  I'm very happy in the present: )

Lighter






lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #297 on: July 31, 2020, 10:01:26 PM »
I've shifted T appointments to every 2 weeks with the idea of spacing them out to 3 then 4 weeks.

I really loved seeing her face to face.  I feel I've worked through all the large issues.   I have tools I can access and apply now.  It's a comfortable transition.

I noticed how relaxed I was in the yard this evening with the Pug.  When oldest dd was way I felt the world was a slightlhy hostile place.... I'd look up at the tress at night... and remember feeling alone and vulnerable as a child on the highway.... the trees were so lonely looking. 

I realize I haven't had that kind of thought in.... well... I can't remember when I did, and that's a good thing. 

 I don't even look up into the trees at night.... haven't... don't feel like it..... I'm wondering why I spent so much time IN that headspace, then I remember.  I know that answer.  I have clarity on it.  It's going to be OK.

 It IS OK.  That is a true statement.  I believe it. 

More importantly....
I feel it in my body.

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #298 on: July 31, 2020, 10:41:57 PM »
That storm sounds like a brilliant analogy for life, Lighter, and one that we can't access when we're still dealing with all the 'stuff'.  I've got x, y and z in place.  I can do no more than that.  Let's just enjoy this.  Yes.  Amazing that you've come so far along this journey now that you can choose whether or not to be scared.  You've got that much control over your own responses now.  Wow.  Did you imagine you could get to that point?  I know over the many years I've been working on myself I've often wondered if I can reach a true state of 'I'm just doing my thing now' and genuinely not be thinking about other things.  What an inspirational story from you.  And it sounds like a lot of fun as well!  I love storms but I do remember being out in one once with my son and a thunder clap going off directly above us and dear Lord, my heart nearly stopped.  It's just so loud.  Mother Nature showing she's a bad ass :)

I really resonated with what you wrote about forming a secure attachment with yourself.  Makes so much sense and is something that can cause problems if we don't manage it in our earlier years, I think.  I've often felt that I'm acting at being a grown up, rather than actually being one.  I think the secure attachment is a part of being a grown up.

T's crying.  How do you feel about that?  I feel similar to how you feel about it, Tupp.
 The first time it happened I had the feeling the T had zero answers, and nothing helpful to say... though she very much wanted to help. She was very in tune with my story as I told it in present tense.... I talked about my late husband as though he was still with us.  I never referred to him in past tense..... he was IN MY FACE, still next to me, chasing and threatening me inside my head... relentlessly.  My nose was on the pebble, and my body was reacting..... my biochemistry had been hijacked for 2 years at that point.  I think she realized it, but had no vocabulary.... training to understand or HELP ME understand it. 
 She saw what was, but didn't understand how I got there, or what I needed to get myself OUT.    She didn't understand the concept of getting a nose off a pebble, IMO. 

  It would have helped me so much to have the ability to create emotional distance, and access my parasympathetic nervous system.... I had no idea what it was, much less what it did or how much control I had access to IF someone walked me through it.   That T had nothing to give, and her feeling of being helpless and hopeless, for me, made me feel I was inflicting my pain onto her,  and doing harm TO her.  I was in no position to caretaker her, so there was no question I wouldn't go back.  She didn't deserve to suffer with me, and I see now how a T CAN have empathy, but stay focused on calming the brain and body so the brain can do what it was made to do.... and does efficiently.... process information efficiently when stress is reduced.  When trauma is addressed and reduced.... consistently..... without judgment or expectation.... just very frank, helpful steps and avenues and zero judgment.  Well.... IME it's quite a trick to point out judgment of oneself WITHOUT judging.  Everything is about reducing stress... giving permission to be kind and forgiving with oneself, always.  Unconditionally.  Making it a priority.... and reminding it's not a perfect process. It's messy and comes nd goes and we return, gently, consistently, and continue on without losing focus on the mission.  I knew I couldn't help that T, so I didn't go back.  I couldn't help myself, much of the time.  There was no question I'd feel better while watching her suffer too.   

There was a Psychiatrist who saw my ASPD stbx with me, as a couple, and each on our own.  He'd headed up a male pscyh ward for.... criminally insane men...  I think. Written many books.  Was likely past the age of retirement...... and he spoke to me very frankly.  Zero compassion.  I read his notes.... I didn't much like him.  I remember almost losing control of my bladder in his office when he said... "The goal of these sessions has shifted from reconciling a marriage to keeping you alive during a potential divorce..... the danger isn't riding the tiger... the danger is in getting off the tiger."  I'm paraphrasing, of course. 

No one, up to that point, had been willing to consider I was in mortal danger.   HE understood, and he doubted my ability to divorce without being killed.  I remember it felt like the floor dropped out from under me....  adrenaline hit me..... it hit my feet and hands painfully.   All the while...  this man just blinked at me.... looking for..... a reaction?  My response?  I was just quiet... wide eyed.... very used to NOT showing any response, no matter what was said or done to me at that point.  But that T understood what he was seeing and hearing when he spoke to STBX ASPD.  His dx was  Psychopath with heavy N features. 

When I went back to see him, after ASPD died, The T was very flippant..... he said something like.... 
"You should have aimed for his foot."  I believe it was at that point I decided he was past the age of retirement.  He never had anything helpful to say.... ever.  He was always very hopeless..... he said.....
"there's nothing to be done.... you couldn't do anything different to get a different outcome... you're trapped... at the mercy of... etc."  Paraphrasing here, but that was the message AND he presented as someone with all the answers and very large ego.... had written books, blah blah..... very sure of himself, and had zero empathy.  That was equally unhelpful, but moved me into a deeper sense of dread and fear...... a whole'nuther level, in fact. 

The T who referred me to him was a psychologist who was getting pretty frustrated in a "THAT's what sociopaths DO" sort of way.   I'd say ASPD did THIS, and he'd respond in a droll manner... "That's what sociopaths DO."  And he had zero help to offer as well.   Just.... nothing outside "That's what Sociopaths DO."  He realllly needed me to GET THAT.  To stop talking about all the things being DONE TO ME and my children.  To.... do what?  I have no idea.  He had no tools for calming myself.  In fact, he often said things that were very upsetting... sort of like the Psychiatrist... very frank doomsday stuff about how I was at the mercy of.  He SO got that.  I remember him explaining to STBX ASPD how saying things to me like..... "He sure would be sorry if something bad happened to me in a divorce."  The T said it would have been like a man cleaning his fingernails with a big sharp knife, while telling his wife it sure woudl be terrible if anytihng bad happened to her.... if she didn't comply with him."  Just dreadful.  Not good answers.  NO answers at all, really. 

I wonder if I'd had tools for calming myself... not pills, if I'd have fought my way out of that situation and avoided all the trauma and terror and tragedy.  I won't know, but I clearly SEE how it would have helped, even if it didn't save us

__________________________________________________________. 
INSERT HERE:
I left out I'd spoken to ASPD STBX in anger ONE time during 3 year period in courts... He grabbed me on the stairs,  in front of witnesses, and hurt me.... I snapped back at him.....
"I'm going to divorce you and marry another man who your children will call Daddy." 

_____________________________________________________________
 


So, that one thing..... was a slip, said in anger.... with a man's hands on me in anger...... threatening... harming..... I said it and I meant it and he knew I did.   It was all but done and over in the courts, but so far away, bc ASPD was adept at using and manipulating the justice system.  I believed him when he said I'd be screaming, and running away like my hair was on fire just to escape the court system.... when it was all done and over.   He showed me what he meant, right from the start.  Manipulating my own attorney..... making it so hard.  Making me look insane, like a liar, like a participant on Jerry Springer show..... manipulating me with fear.... and see.... I really can't help but wonder how things would have gone if I HAD THESE TOOLS.  Could have calmed myself down.  I did what I could..... I had a really good neuromuscual massage T who unlocked things so I could breathe again.... walk again... get off the floor and keep going again.  I didn't have anyone who could do that with my mind, and it felt like I was blindfolded, on an operating table.... with all these shadowy men standing over me with sharp instruments..... and I was at their mercy.  I remember that vision vividly.   And I remember feeling I was standing on a high cliff.... toes over the edge..... wind whipping my hair around my face, wrapping it.... hair in my eyes and mouth.  The wind so loud I wouldn't be heard, even if I screamed, which I didn't. I'd learned to be still, and wait.  Just...... not move..... not react..... it was my default, until it wasn't, and then it was again, then it wasn't.  I'd be energized by a task.... get smacked down by someone on my team of attorneys, and they never all agreed on ANYTHING.   Then it just.... was my default. I think I'd still BE there if not for this T.

Another T.... somatic T..... did the "Feel your seat, wiggle your toes,  notice the trees" thing, but didn't explain anything about WHY  or what we were doing it for.  Nothing about about the brain, biochemistry, reactivity, fight or flight or parasympathetic nervous system.... nothing.  I guess I'm someone who does better with more information than less.  It seems like everything I've learned has built on itself, IME.

There were Ts in my first marriage.  The first one put me on Paxil, which shut down my body AND left me suffering physically on top of emotionally.  I fired him and made him write a letter stating he'd made a mistake prescribing Paxil, bc it was harmful, not helpful and wrong to prescribe in my case.  I was in a very dysfunctional marriage, and the next marriage counselor I saw just said it out loud..... after listening to my husband talk and talk and talk and complain about me.... just when it was MY turn to speak... the T shut it down, handed me a divorce attorney's card, STBX a divorce attorney's card, and told us to leave his office, and never speak to each other again, bc "H had no empathy for me, and every human being needs empathy." 

H and I left that appointment in a daze.  I felt voiceless, but had learned I often left that T's office feeling anger.  Then... later.... I sort of got what he was saying and agreed with him...but grudgingly.  That T was right, but he was also an ex marine with a very gruff manner, and old fashioned view of women that really did harm when I saw him with the ASPD stbx. 

That T was also the person who introduced me to my favorite martial arts instructor, so.... things sort of evened out.

 
 
e had many over the years who've cried in front of me and said they feel tearful and/or emotional about what I said and to be honest, I don't like it.   I get that's it's probably about showing you that it's okay to feel emotions and respond to them but I kind of like them to be strong and stoical.  I think it pings too much on my "I must look after you" buttons and I feel like I have to watch what I say so they don't get upset.  Does it bother you if they do it?  IF my current T had cried, I don't think it would have bothered me in the least, BC she very steadily moved along a healing path, and she's very centered and level in her own mind and body.  She has answers.  She knows how to share and teach them.  She has zero ego investment and she doesn't feel hopeless.  She has answers.  She's confident and that's her manner.... her tone.... her eyes pour out and transfer calm, caring reassurance....
all will be well, and I didn't understand it, at first, but she brought me along, however much I struggled or fought at times.... she found a way through, and I wasn't always able to hear her...... wasn't always able to understand or calm myself enough to understand.  That's more truthful. 


I saw her enough times..... was lead OUT of survival mode enough times to finally understand.... finally trust... finally comprehend how holding on to the injustice... mostly around my children being harmed and leveraged in order to harm me...... was doing ongoing harm I could check and reverse.  THAT was an important message I finally got.  I needed to hear it.  The current T has lived it herself.  She practices her own healing journey daily.  She's been here.  She's gotten herself out, and she's living a joyful life... she doesn't believe she has any problems when she things about it.  That's how far her nose IS.... off the pebbles.  As I gain more distance, I gain more understanding and control over my own perspective.  Expanding spaciousness for ourselves.....
is EVERYTHING.  That wouldn't have made any sense at all, this time last year. 


And seeing the world through the eyes of a child.  I've found that so much with my boy; giving him the sort of childhood my mum didn't give me - the playing and making mud pies, long walks in the woods gathering acorns and leaves, reading stories, dressing up, finger painting, all that stuff.  It was like it healed up the little girl in me who longed to do that.  My dad did that stuff with me, I was lucky in that respect.  It really helps all of us to have that happy childhood, I think, even if it's in adult life that it occurs.  Really lovely reading your posts.  I think this T is a very good fit for you.

I agree, ((Tupp))  I also believe the old saying...
when the student is ready, the teacher appears. 

I was ready.

You were ready.   

It's all OK: )

I so enjoyed reading about you and your boy enjoying making mud pies and BEING childlike together.  I'm glad your father allowed you to be your authentic little child self, without conditions.   So glad: )

Lighter
« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 03:14:08 PM by lighter »

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #299 on: July 31, 2020, 11:14:29 PM »
This is very, very powerful, Lighter.
Yes, perhaps if you'd had those tools, there would have been a better way open.
It was what it was at that time.

It's such a good thing that you've become unfrozen and moved forward.

I think your present T is a genius, of a kind. I understand the impulse to stop therapy but hope you will consider even monthly, so just in case...you haven't broken continuity with her.

I could not live my comparably utterly humdrum life with humdrum-by-compariosn traumas without therapy, and I wonder at your capacity to always test yourself to the extreme limit of everything. What if there was really no need to do that, if keeping and maintaining a connection with this remarkable T could be a grounded, maintenance part of your well being? So you're not always working on it as a solo Amazon? Would it be worth asking yourself, do I HAVE to triumph completely, as in fighting all fights on my own because I've...won? Proven something? Vanquished?

Could there be a modified sense of victory that is good enough? For a settled life with inner peace? I just wonder if an all-out win over all of it is a fair goal for you.

Lastly, I really do see how physical your life is, where your wisdom is, where your hope is. You will always have this. Different, calmer strength. But I think you'll be one of those spry ancient ones some day. Not mighty, because mighty changes. But spry is pretty darn good. Especially when she's spry and happy.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."