Wow. The timing. If it's okay to veer off the usual...
I just went through a massive head-butting contest with the older man who runs the weekly discussion group I've been enjoying (ages about 70-96).
He has a massive "think piece" -- a well done one -- that he wanted to present church leadership before the new minister arrives in Aug. I helped him by editing for him and brainstormed with him through a lot of it. I also edited the section he'd stuck in about two proposals that I'd already made to the board. They are "passion projects" and he didn't grasp the details and kept muddling them together. He accepted the edits and it was a good document by the time he sent it in.
Meanwhile, during the process we exchanged a lot of emails and his demands of me increased. At one point he announced that we needed a form of instant video chat or DMs and I realized I felt stressed and smothered and did NOT want to go much further. I declined his "be on call" demands and such but remained congenial and willing to answer queries, etc. Meanwhile, he was evidently deciding, all by himself, a larger plan.
Long story short, he decided that he was not going to (or able to, he's not in great health) continue to be the LEADER of this huge long-term "vision" for the church, and the initial work (which would involve hundreds of hours) had to be completed this summer, and wrote an email to the whole group (and a few others) announcing that he was stepping down and he had "passed the baton" to me and I was "in charge."
Aaacck. I nearly fell over. He never asked me, invited me to think about, or even explored the possibility that I was not ready or willing to accept the role. I emphatically do NOT want that role, and had to trail after him tactfully explaining to the group that I was NOT in charge.
He kept writing me, repeating that I WAS in charge, like it or not. I was now "the face of the project" etc etc. I replied that I did not ask for or want the role, my time and focus is limited to two sub-projects IF others volunteered to develop them with me (low expectations, btw) but I CANNOT and don't WANT to accept the baton, be the leader for the big vision he'd set out, the face of the whole big project, etc.
Meanwhile, his wife had observed: You're putting her in this position without asking her? And he'd replied: Nah it's fine, she's ready to run with it. He actually sent me that exchange!
I told him this. (My "No.")
I gracefully told the dozen or so others this.
He repeated that I was in charge, in various ways and phrasings, again and again. He finally began to CC his wife, who'd observed to him (more than once): You are not hearing her. She said she doesn't want the role. It sounds like a command. Etc.
He would say, oh my wife must be right, and then go on and say it again. It was astonishing. I finally decided that he literally couldn't hear me, and (tactfully) resigned from the group and explained in an email to him (and wife) that I wished him the very best but felt that this just wasn't going to work. I needed to create space and though I think what he does with the elders group is very wonderful and valuable, I'm going to withdraw from involvement (other than my 2 little proposals).
His reply was a whole nasty critique about how I wouldn't do what he asked (basically) and "wasn't forthcoming" and didn't "kick into gear and send him XXX" and all sorts of complaints. Then he speculated about how I don't like to work with men (???? I've loved working with many men! I just don't like domineering ones!). He compared me to Kamala Harris and kept talking about how the church is "run by women" and wound up with something about the plight of "straight white men."
Finally I wrote, "I said, NO thank you." And after about six back and forths (bless his long-suffering wife) it finally penetrated his mind that I was making a choice. He was very diappointed. He didn't seem CAPABLE of grasping that I could choose not to do what he wanted me to do.
I withdrew gently from the discussion group (no mention of him) and he wrote back thanks. Then he wrote me again proposing that we had the seeds of a wonderful friendship and could continue to "collaborate" in future, and "may it be so."
Oy, vey. I felt like running a mile down the interstate with my hair on fire. But that passed. Now I just feel relief. It really was an astounding struggle. Whewwwww.
hugs,
Hops