THat's high praise from you, Hops. I'm not likely to write a memoir but have kept all the boxes of documents... just in case I want to write out the story, as "fiction." I wish you had been available.
And so, yesterday's T session..... on reflection.
T had me go back to my childhood home to find Little Lighter. She was still there, where I'd left her, in the side yard with sister.
They were never verbal. At all. Ever. Which now seems, but will get to that.
I asked them to come with me, home, to safety and comfort and where I could make them feel cared for and safe. They came happily and were interested in the journey..... planes and drives and entering the house from the front door, through the LR, Kitchen, hallway and to my bedroom,, which was where i was..... and then we were there together, with the T on Zoom this time.
I was to ask LL what her damage was...not in those words, but for her emotions and LL remained non verbal...... then I asked her how she'd like to process the emotions.....
Wind
Fire
Earth?
LL chose wind and that was appropriate since the day was windy with leaves blowing all around.... just a lovely fall day. Almost warm.
I took the girls to the beach, also.... always find clarity and healing on the beach and in the water. The girls were super excited about that....... then I brought them back the house and into the woods and the yard and I was wearing my mother's green fringed pancho and the girls were very happy to be with me.... felt safe it seemed...... and then there seemed to be nothing to process BUT there was still sadness and I'd say the energy/distress was about a 6 out of 10.
It wasn't LL. T asked how old LL was.... about 3yo..... picture Tabatha from BEWITCHeD, when her hair was about shoulder length and you have it.
Then the image I'd dreamed after my mother died popped up......
me and sister at our mother's knees, bald and in diapers, aybe 8mo old, reaching up for her to comfort us, take us into her arms, SEE us.....
but she doesn't.
We are inconsolable. Just...... building off each other's energy, and NEEEEDING so much from mom...... feeling unseen and unheard and it's very very sad. Neeeding so much, but mom doesn't understand and she doesn't care about how children move through developmental phases or what it means to look into a child's eyes and be present with them. Mom is very busy aNd industrious in her fashion career and she's certainly feeling our shame when were aren't reflectling well on her...... she's just 20 or 21yo herself. Still a child.... a GC. It's all about her and how we reflect on HER.
I can't remember much about that, as I stopped checking in with my peripheral vision and breathing mindfully at this point. I was going in and out of feeling baby Lighter's distress and losing the ability to comfort her through it, which was the entire point. to experience the trauma with a fully integrated brain and process it fully..... but that just wasn't happening in the hour, which seemed so short when time has been going slowly, otherwise.
T and I checked back in with the 3yo Lighter and she wasn't giving me attention or answering questions... she was back on the beach, concerned with sister and the water and sand..... not that she'd said anything up to that point, which seems odd now that the 8month olds had been so verbal and LOUD, without a break.
3yo Lighter was always silent and finding her in that corner of the bedroom was always a silent event, as were the tours. She was more guarded and checking in with her at the end.... I realized she was waiting for me to grab her soft little forearm and dig my fingernails in...... and make her focus..... hurt her and make her answer my questions. It was very dissapionting and T said I needed to spend more time with her, gain more trust and I felt she was emotionally far away and unlikely to just connect and heal the way I'd realllly hoped would happen.
That was about the place where we put a pin in and scheduled for the next appointment.
I took the roasted chicken out of the oven, made a 4X batch of cha gio mis and took the pug into the forest. I smelled Yelly Guy before I saw him blowing leaves in the retired nurse's back yard..... not very close to my property line, but he was facing me. I just walked and didn't look up...... was annoyed by the smell of cigar in my nose for the next minute, thinking ahead to how I'd get back to the house without having to see or be seen by him.
The walk was good. Glandex has baby girl pug making stout little poops we hope will span out visits to the vet for anal gland expression. A necessary unexpected thing with Pugs. The walk was nice. Didn't see anyone in the forest. Didn't look at my phone or think about it or the YG and then the walk was over.
I could hear YG still blowing leaves in the yard, but right up against my property line this time and so I picked up 21lbs of top heavy pug and waded into the backyard neigbor's surprisingly waist deep leaf piles..... not an easy thing to do, but I got into my back yard almost unscathed.... thorns and vines being wild and what they are in that bit of wood. Pug didn't bark at YG or give away our position. In fact, she hasn't given away our position to YG in a very long time, not even when YG and his dog jog nearby whatever secondary trail we're on, out of sight, where I let her off her leash and she can sniff to her heart's content without pulling me off my feet with unexpected stops.
I'm taking DD20 and my sister into town today..... will be dropping the Cowboy off for his weekly accupuncture appointment he says has become "a huge part of his healing program." I'm glad.
I didn't expect it to be that helpful, considering he's a conservative Cowboy, considering his history and extensive injury...missing so much skin and ligaments, etc. Not sure how the meridians work with that level of trauma, but the main relief has been his left hip from an injury he received 40 years ago.....always chronic, up to now. Amazing. Like magic, but better.
Washing beds today. The pug is very calm and seems healthier.....MUCH healthier for the whole food diet. Calmer around food. Calmer all around which corresponds to not having a tribe of people tromping through the yard, as well. A neighbor, 3 doors away, commented recently on his relief the trail was closed. He never liked all those people tromping through and by his house either.
Retired nurse was super chatty when I brought her empty egg cartons for Manna Food bank...... she was tickled pink YG had shown up to blow her leaves, without announcing his intention... well.... "his wife had mentioned it."
I just dead pan looked her in the eye and said....."He's right where he wants to be." She went back to gushing over his helfulness and how her grandsons and son were going to help too....blah blah...... which brings me back to dealing with my leaves, which will be SUPER deep very soon. I havne't decided what to do about them yet. Honestly, the idea of letting my yard go back to nature is inviting, and not just bc I know retired nurse wouldn't appreciate it. She wouldn't, btw, but bc of the nectotic ring and having to do yard work with YG showing up whenever he feels like it. I still resent the nurse allowing him into her yard, between Cowboy's yard and my yard, when she UNDERSTANDS YG has been BANISHED.
Banished.
That's a very real thing and her inviting him in feeeeeeels like she's invited a vampire I have to worry about, which seems like a very buddy focking sort ot activity, but hey....... YG ignored her for 15 years, then got chummy once he lost access to my trail and yard AND to the Cowboy's..... but she doesn't SEE that she's been manipulted or used and that's.....
::sigh::.
What IS that?
Her willful ignorance.
Her..... usually sharp as a tack mind just goes all soft and fuzzy ,bc...... ah yes...... bc YG has given her a story that makes sense to her.
MORE sense than my story..... and that's a very familiar feeling.... a very familiar thing I can remedy, at least to clarify how exactly I see things, which is all I need to deal with and thats' enough.
At the point I feel I need to clarify it for YG's wife is the final destination. Keeping secrets for icky people is something I DO to protect other people....not the icky people.
I removed the balance YG post. No need for it to be here.
One more thing about tge ebd if last T appt.....T talked about the ways not being seen as a child.....shows up in a life. The people pleasing, not having needs, not feeling enough, etc. So familiar....like unraveling a thread you know is there, but blends in with an intricately woven fabric until it's pulled.
Lighter