Author Topic: Mindfulness and codependence thread  (Read 91051 times)

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1005 on: August 29, 2023, 02:29:45 PM »
One of the girls' buddies from school is staying with us till his apartment comes available, which lnes up TO THE DAY with our travel dates.  Pug loves him and he gives her long walks and lots of cuddles, so I'm glad not to have to worry about strangers caring for her.

The guy just set up a copy machine and will travel with us to the lake..... I hope the three of us can move that mirror with the carts and dollys we have.  I think we can.

I'll likely set him up to work with the contractor over the September dates, bc I'll still be away.  I think that'll keep things moving along.  I was worried a fraction would get done with no one handing up tools and running to fetch and carry.

What else..... we're gearing up for Halloween, which is big in this house as you guys know.  I have a firepit of burning bones on my to do list.... the lights have been ordered and the rusted out firepit is sitting there, beckoning.  I have lots of bones already and spray foam.... black paint.  Maybe even the red paint. 

Will construct some very tall clown monsters.... free standing or hanging..... at least one that lunges.  Looking forward to that and this boy loves Halloween, so he can join in too if he likes. 

The neighborhood made their preferences known..... they want a terrifying house to scare them silly and we're happy to be that house for them; )

I made a list of things for the Contractor to knock out while I'm away... will have materials and tools laid out.  Food in the freezer for them. 

Lighter








Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1006 on: August 30, 2023, 08:38:30 PM »
I like the sound of that young man.
A smitten pug and satisfaction in helpful work...bode well!

I'd have an angina attack at your house on Hallowe'en but know it'll be FUN!

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1007 on: September 03, 2023, 11:26:33 PM »
We were supposed to leave today at 6pm, but that didn't happen.  I have one last coat of orange tinted poly to apply to my kitchen crown moulding, so contractor can put it up while I'm gone.  It looks astonishingly good, considreing it's pine and the cabinets are oak.  Thank God color theory comes easy to me.

We got SO MUCH DONE, btw.  The boy trained with his sf as an electrician and he'll likely change the kitchen lights out... would be very helpful.  He put together an eletric fireplace, moved some heavy things and painted the deck on the coolest day with my sister.

My brother just ran in,mowed and ran out.

The house is looking really good..... maybe even a little tiny bit maganine worthy in a couple a spots, Hops, lol.  I think knocking ALLL the zombie off has finally happened.

Lots more to tell,but this is the wrong thread for it; )
Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1008 on: September 07, 2023, 03:19:44 AM »
I've been relatively free from worry worry worry mindsets, I've noticed. 

I'm putting that down and noticing the relief.  Noticing the alternatives available more and more often... if I do what I can. put the story ont he shelf and resist worrying into the future or needing the past to be different.

 It happens more and more, as I build the habits.

 It's feeling like I gutted my way up a hill..... a really painful hill I absolutely didn't want to climb or face or investigate and that doesn't make noticing what's really there any easier, IME. 

 I feel I have the choice to coast downhill, faster and faster, if I choose it.

Sometimes I choose not to coast or ride downhill, emotionally.  Sometimes I just have the reaction.... choose it.... but limit it.  Knowing it's not what I want to cultivate.  Understanding it's like a little dog rolling around in it's muck. I have it and that's OK too.  I have it, then go back to coasting... being responsive..... restoring choice in my life.

And it feels....
at the risk of jinxing it.....
it feels amazing.  It feels  like happiness and luck and restored joy....
 on a pretty consistent basis.

 I don't have to question it, which I used to do... I don't question it anymore, in fact.  It's real and I believe it and stars are aligning.  The old problems and people aren't pressing in any longer, so close.... in my face.... with me, like nothing changed.  There's spaciousness.... so much space between them and where I'm at now.  I guess, maybe, I've simply let them go.  Holding on meant I didn't have to accept what happened..... the part of me requiring things be different actually wanted a redo, I think.  It wasn't doing me any good at all.... or my kids.  Accepting it and letting it be what it was... what it is... will always be..... doesn't mean I'm OK with it.  It means I choose to leave it behind and stop thinking about how unfair it is or how wrong...... it simply is what it is and I gain nothing from arguing over the color of the sky.  It is what it is and making peace with that is....
accepting the price of resisting acceptance is too steep for me...not that I understand the cost to being present and living in the moment with my girls and family and friends.... and myself.

Problems and upsets..... what felt like wrong turns or mistakes..... I trust they'll lead me to what come next, IME.... lead to solutions and the chance to choose joy, again and again.  Even if it's not OK.... it's OK. 

It's not muscle memory... yet, but it's consistent enough.
What it's not.....
is emotional survival, that's for certain.

The dread is gone.  The worry is absent and I can see it, but it's not on top of me or inside my head anymore.  It's over there..... at a distance. 

Ya.  That.










Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1009 on: September 07, 2023, 06:25:59 AM »
That's amazing, Lighter :)  Aw it's so nice to just do normal - yes stuff gets stressful and messy, I don't think anyone can avoid that, but having responses to it that are responses to that one situation and not dozens of things from the past - you really are getting Lighter all the time!  Lol xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1010 on: September 07, 2023, 04:35:34 PM »
There will always be COWs....
Crisis Of The Week..... but you're right.

 Responsiveness vs Reactivity to things no longer happening to us....
is everything, IME.

It's a sort of escape, really.  Escaping the traumas of the past.... my martial arts instructor used to say....
"Suffer once."  THIS is what he was talking about.  Just this very thing. 

Escape  fearing into the future because there's zero payoff, it doesn't change the outcome and takes up space where other things, like joy, could live, IME.

I look back and I think.....
how dare you?! but it's not the bad actors or the systems or the luck I'm talking to.

I'm talking tio the familiar  trance of reactivity and it's lazy existence in my life.... wihtout question.  Without a fight, it lived with me, directed and decided how little joy and rest I could have.

And when I think of it now....
it's over there. 

Lighter




lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1011 on: September 12, 2023, 01:51:35 PM »
September update:

Youngest DD21 and I traveled to Canada for a wedding.

We didn't realize we were Covid Positive.... at least we traveled with masks on.  The morning after we arrived, DD tested positive and I tested positive 2 days later.... DD did not.  We're not suffering.  The symptoms weren't anything more than a cough for me and general lethargy for DD with swollen glands.  Thought she was still getting over a non Covid illness, frankly.

Today I have some aches in places I remember banging hard on trailer hitches and feet, hips, but cough is getting better.

We didn't attend the wedding bc DD woke up sans taste and smell the  morning of.  We're in quarantine for the duration of our Canadian visit, which happens to be enjoying fall weather with a fire pit on a beautiful park... backyard has fancy pavers and a little she shed with wifi..... it's the best case scenario in an unfortunate situation.

Here's the thing..... and I only suspect this to be true.....
once we arrived and ate a few VERY LARGE MEALS of sweets, pastas and breads....much meat and cheese...... our stomachs went down to almost flat.

This leads me to believe the "healthy" foods we're eating in the States are more poison than food.  I mean.... it happened for my sister, DD and self..... like fricking magic. 

I think part of it's the water.  Part the quality of food and what they won't allow INTO it.  Any thoughts?

I'm working on several projects with Escape To The Chateau in the background,which is SO enjoyable while planning for the Lake Lodge.  So many ideas.  Can't wait to decorate and photograph for Christmas with fireplaces lit and many little pine trees scattered about..... lots of fresh pine smells.

I'll post more about that on the lake thread.

The boy staying with us right now is caring for the Pug, even though his apartment came available on the 6th, he's still at the house as a favor.  It's sad to watch him shrink away from kindness and any attention at all.... so sure is he of his unlovable status and unworthiness, generally, on the planet.  That kind of programming runs EVERYTHING in a Nervous System.... and it's not controllable, IME.  It has to be crept up on, snuck up on, worked around and unhooked. He's better when he's not directly in our view or line of attention.  Evreyone validating him in their own way.  Sometimes he joins us when we're laughing and hanging out.... and he IS FUNNY and nornal and completely appropriate if left to himself and join in his own time. 

Honestly..... up to that point, I'd experienced him as a 7yo child........ which is the age his abusive SF came into his life. 

I'm feeling level and present...... a little guilty about the Covid, but my intentions were good and I forgive myself.

I hang out with my BIL, as usual, his sidekick cleaning out their garage, gathering kindling in the part, and finishing small projects around the yard.  We get along so well..... this is the first time I seriously consider moving to Canada.... my God..... we pay so much more for food in the States and it's insult to injury...... something in my stomach is clicking...... I don';t know how I can stand it when I go back home.

DD21 wants to raise chickens with me.  We've scouted out the area under the porch for their house, but that's not  for certain going to happen, though we could control the quality.

Will update other threads now: )

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1012 on: September 13, 2023, 04:06:53 PM »
Lighter,
So admire your phrase "the trance of reactivity" and insights about how it once dominated your life. That's hugely reflective and mature, imo. And how many leagues you have grown since! Mega kudos.

I'm very sorry you and DD got bitten by the virus. It's hard to face that it's still here and a new contragious variant is rising, hence the whole suite of precautions decisions demanding awareness after a time when people got to savor a break.  But it is NO reason for guilt, only learning -- both the lax and the compulsively prepared can get it, and the good news is that you're both doing okay. It's asking a lot for everyone to be perfectly vigilant at all times -- hello, imperfection. (We all live there.)

Your quarantine locale sounds pretty heavenly, glad you wound up installed there!

I have no thoughts about interesting flat stomachs after unhealthy fare, but maybe think changing countries because one anecdote triggers, errrr, reactivity...is worth a ponder? Or a self-affectionate chuckle?

As non-scientific evidence based on one anecdote from a one-person population with no control group or peer review, I indulged in some sorta healthy but still carb-laden food in quantity (can I say binge?) a couple weeks ago for two days and my stomach did not flatten. Quite the contrary. Oof. Since then I've eaten less, lost a few pounds, got back on the kefir, greens and berries smoothies and felt the positive impact immediately.

Enjoy and nourish, with a relaxed mind...I'm noticing how much better it feels when I let go of anxiety around food. BTW, strangely, I blundered into an interview on a podcast called The Happy Place that was SO insightful about anxiety. I felt like he was talking about my experience in many ways, and it was so illuminating and helpful I was blown away. The guest was, believe it or not, Adam Lambert.

Do you be----leeeve in life after love? (Check out the Kennedy Center video of his performance...brought that whole DC-stuffed-shirt audience to their feet.)

Hugs and hopes for fast and full recovery,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1013 on: September 18, 2023, 08:22:34 AM »
DD and I feel better... she's back home and testing N for many days.  I tested N 2 days ago. Thanks for the hugs.

 Yesterday,  we yanked out the non functioning stove vent and replaced it.... BIL was lucky to find an exact model at the same Asian store where he  bought the last one 10 years ago. No name brand.   We were roasting brussel sprouts, onions and potatoes by 6:30 pm...... grilling 3 different proteins by 7.   Lots of degreasing and looking for the right screws and washers..... between the 3 of us, we got it done, but it was a challenge.

About the food...... there's a difference... has to be.  I wouldn't be in these jeans at home if eating the same things.  No way.  I don't know what I'm going to do about that.  Buckle down and source local farmers.... I have a file on that.  We have lots of farmer's markets too. 

Grocery stores back home stock food-like items.... but not actual food, as far as I'm concerned.  That makes food problematic.  Again.  I've been very relaxed around food and what I eat over the last week and I'm going to really miss that.  Just saying.... I am.

I'm all for finding our Happy Places, Hops.  Will look up the Podcast: )

Lighter






Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1014 on: September 18, 2023, 07:56:41 PM »
I hear you, Lighter.
For me the issues (getting surprisingly easier) are more about my privileged choices than supply. But I entirely agree with you that quality is VERY problematic in America and I grieve most for folks in food deserts.

I searched for AGES for the purest food I can find, and even pay (on SS) Whole Foods prices for better-quality stuff. I remember my hunt for jam w/o sugar (Bionaturale is a good compromise) and PB the same. Finally found those. Once I actually GO to our busy farmers' market, my choices will expand.

My neighbor three doors up is selling backyard eggs now. "Out of Stock" sign on her little front-yeard kiosk goes up often -- her little flock is young and not very busy yet. But I also love hearing her goofy rooster at 3pm.

The smoothies when I remember (make 5 at a time and freeze 4) are powerful. Protein is a challenge but since I still eat fish, I get by. Pea protein is better than whey. What amazes me about what one eats is how instantly one feels it. Powerful.

hugs
Hops

Here's the "anxiety interview" with Adam Lambert I mentioned. He surprised me!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npA94B71jAE
« Last Edit: September 18, 2023, 08:02:06 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1015 on: September 23, 2023, 03:47:04 AM »
I'm glad you've got over the Covid again, Lighter, it seems to be very widespread here again.  It's very difficult when you can still pick it up so easily, not least because the symptoms (initially at least) are so similar to so many other bugs and viruses.  I'm glad it didn't wipe you out.

I echo what Hops says about food; it's hard to find stuff that hasn't been messed about with too much and hard (in my opinion) to have enough time and/or storage space to buy, prep, keep in the freezer and so on.  I guess we all muddle through as best we can.  I don't know specifics about additives or preservatives but I do have a couple of friends whose bloating and irritable tummy stuff after eating bread stopped when they started making their own.  Presumably there's something in shop bought bread that didn't agree with them.  It's having the time to do it that becomes problematic, in my experience.

You are so busy with all your different projects, adding food sourcing and prep into that must be very hard.  And sometimes you do just want a pile of something you know isn't good for you.  It's a funny relationship we have with food, for sure.  I'm glad everything is swimming along with all the different refurb/managing projects (and the Halloween prep!  I'm not sure if they're big on Halloween here, am going to have to ask about a bit).

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1016 on: October 05, 2023, 01:08:06 AM »
The Covid wasn't too bad..... got a cough aftewards and it's just now releasing it's grip.  I think my sister got it at the wedding, bc I seem to be a few days behind her in symptoms.  I think today might be the first day with under 10 coughing fits.  Exhausting and the Covid left me a bit.....fatigued, if I'm being honest.

The food..... the food.  I've been too busy to worry about it.  Not eating that well, but doing what I can.  Chic-Fil-A  salads on the road with roasted chicken.... lots of beautiful food when wer'e cooking.  Just made white bean chicken chili this eveing and big beautiful salads with pear.  My feet hurt a bit from all the stairs and imprefect food choices, but those are choices I make.

When the pain increases, I focus on eating cleaner, for sure.  It's the same with the 49yo journeyman, his wife, my sister and his MIL.  We feel the weight of our food choices physically, so we try harder to make good choices... not just for ourselves,but each other too.

Journeyman has had both hips replaced, a stroke, struggles with contraction in his fingers and an autoimmune disorder...... the only reason he's alive is bc he figured out food and committed to healing himself when docs failed.

I know better. I wish it was easier to eat better all the time.... but it's not.  I 'm not sure how much whole/clean food is available, frankly.

Lighter




Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1017 on: October 06, 2023, 02:45:18 AM »
COWS, Lighter, Crisis of The Week.  Yes, I don't know if I missed that earlier post you made or read it without taking it in but yes, the big change for us since moving here is the lack of crisis around us.  I haven't had to deal with drama after drama after drama.  And having that pause and that space - makes it easier to decide whether a crisis is a crisis, if it's our crisis, if it's a crisis we need to deal with or if it's one we can let uncrisis itself without needing to do anything.  That's an interesting change for me.  I know you've talked for a long time about that difference between reacting and responding and I understood it in my head, but it still wasn't happening for me.  My nervous system was still doing its own thing, regardless of anything I did.

Journeyman sounds like bionic man :)  I think my concern with food and clean/prescriptive eating is that it can teeter into disordered eating without really noticing.  I'm trying my best with it at the moment but I don't want it to become another thing I stress over.  Throughout my life food has been a source of comfort to me, and also a way I demonstrated being a good mum?  I've cooked this from scratch, you can't criticise me now.  Difficult, isn't it, to get the balance right.  I hope the pain and Covid related stuff clears up a bit.  Touch wood we've avoided it again at the moment, I've had my jabs again and son's are due end of the month.  I'm stocking up on tins next week in case we get a 'can't leave the house' situation.  But trying mostly to avoid it, I don't want it again, mildly or otherwise.  I hope you can avoid it, it must be harder for you because of all the different projects and people around you, multiplied for each lovely D as well :) xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1018 on: October 07, 2023, 10:05:19 PM »
Reovery from Covid, this time, was a bit slow.  I could feel the fatigue.... deep and sometimes painful in my right thigh, just hanging on and on.  I still feel like a tiny mule kicked me in the leg..... just very odd and makes me want to get my stamina back up.

I wish you and DS the luck of avoidance... for sure.  It seems my cousins and brother and sister are all getting it lately.  My brother got it while traveling in Alaska and the hospital charged him over 4,000,00 for a half hour visit... crazy!

As for my respond vs react abilities.... today was a tough one.  Partially bc the journeyman;s wife left yesterday and partically bc I have to DO MATH figuring out the basement kitchen cabinet arrangement with repurposed cabinets.... it makes me want to weep just thinking about it now and I went out to buy trim and outlets, a tile cutter and light fixtures for 6 hours, so I had a good sized break.

Math.  Grrrr.

OK, so the wife is gone and that set my teeth on edge to be alone with the journeyman...... truthfully he resembles the crazy contractor a bit AND tends to sit down if I'm not working alongside him, so.... it's a LOT of together time for this introvert.   

The math blew a fuse in my ability to be responsive and all morning I was reactive..... if j went into the bathroom I'd just used..... it BUGGED ME.  If he sat down and looked at his phone.... it BUGGED ME.  Even if I knew he was looking up directions for laying a herringbone pattern LVP floor.... I was bugged bc it's taking him forever and he's pulling it back apart then putting it back together and I guess I'll just pull him off it tomorrow and focus myself and HIM on things we move through quickly and with purpose. 

No more spinning and falling, nose on the pebble, like today.  It was a huge lesson for me....... self care..... notice when I'm not feeling centered..... take a break and get centered....... redirect him/j  to things he's familiar with. 

And even if he/j dioes get too familiar.... I'd handle it, likely with scathing humor, but I'd handle it.  If he walks away, which he'd have to do sicne he has no vehicle..... I;d figure this thing out with the new journeyman.  J hans't been too familiar,btw..... but I can feel he likes me a lot and I'm not going to live in fear he'll do somethng stupid.  He might, but hasn't yet.  There it is.  I'm 20 years older than him this is going tobefineI tellya but he said I was "very datable" and I think that kicked this off bc he didn't say it till his wife was gone, darnit. 

::smoothing pajamas::..

Removing the fear...... trusting I'll keep myself safe.......doing what I can...... taking tme for self care, despite the little losses in J's productivity.... all very necessary.

I miss my girls..... want to be with them..... feel guilty being gone so long.  It's a weighty thing to balance getting these projects done and being there for them, in person, during these years before they have lives of their own elsewhere. 

The weather is Halloween perfect..... just cool and breezy and sunny at the same time.  No bugs.  I made sure to line up several outdoor projects over the next few days.  I can feel myself slipping back into creative flow again. 

The Nervous System has it's own time table, IME.  Two steps forward, one step back, IME.

I hope you're enjoying lovely fall weather too, Tupp.

Lighter



lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #1019 on: October 10, 2023, 09:53:45 AM »
Had a great next day and night of work at lake house after the rough day and night.  Contractor gets moody when his wife travels and she travels quite a bit, apparently.  I now ignore every mood twinge he has and stop it from spiraling my Nervous System into it's own nightmare of what ifs.

And that was a very good reminder of how familiar waters reminds my little reptilian brain it's in DANGEROUS waters if I don't catch it and kill it. 

My brother sent a nearby farmer over to help move tractors out of the way of the kitchen cabinets and trailer I need to move them back to the house.  Got about 1/3 moved yesterday.  Farmer coming to help move the rest after he cuts down a tree.

Contractor still sitting on his phone whenever I'm not working next to him, which is more puzzling than anything, bc there have been 2 times where he just peeled off and DID big projects while I stayed busy on my own.  He can do it.  He just doesn't most of the time.

Hops:  I have a new firepit on the backporch... one of those smokes less jobbies and it's fantastik..... put a grill over it and cooked out too.  Burned charcoal and some non treated wood contractor cut up, along with twigs from the yard.  Was a happy thing.

I'll end this post with another happy thing.  I found an electric smoker, an old cowboy belt buckle of my grandfather's a light up beer clock with a buffalo on it and assorted familar things like the old orange tape dispenser I remember from my Grandmother's desk on the sleeping porch which says "We grow too soon old und too late shmart" with little German looking blue flowers.

The weather is GLORIOUS so the windows are all open and the sun is holding court in a completely blue sky!

Owls, bats and hawks are abundant around here, btw.  And deer.

Lighter