What's New for 2020?

[Twoapenny]

Good morning, my 'over the pond' friends

Yesterday was son's last day at college.  I can't tell you the relief I felt at knowing that phase is now behind us and we are moving forward.  I am keen to start putting my energy into creating a life I do want, instead of tolerating one that I don't.

So - I thought a new thread, for the new year, would be appropriate.  My aims for 2020 are:

Set up small business/home based self employment that allows me to continue to home educate son whilst earning a living.

Pay off debts and replenish savings.

Move to a commune.  Or somewhere else if that is more appropriate

It sounds very simple when written down like that   But I have good ideas whirring round in my head, the library is proving to be a treasure trove of useful books, a friend is currently working from home and has sent me some information to have a look through.  Son and I can focus on building our days as we want them, making sure we both get enough time to keep ourselves healthy and well and we can start moving forward to our new life.  I'm building up contacts online; just useful websites, groups and pages that have useful information and people.  I do feel like I have options in front of me now, and I didn't feel like that for a long time.  So I am hopeful for the future.

What is everyone else hoping for or working towards in 2020? xx

[lighter]

Oh, Tupp!  I'm looking forward to your next chapter too!

HEAR, HEAR to NO MORE DREAD!  I'm right there with'ya, sister! 

I know you'll work a new plan, research it, hone it and make it happen bc that's what you do: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,
I admire your plan and hope you will enjoy it...pragmatic, one step at a time goals sound like they will really support you as you go forward. I hope your 2020 is peaceful, low on adrenaline, and includes new good people in your life.

I don't have a plan or any resolutions. They inevitably backfire. I do have some general goals I will go about one way or another, or I won't if I sabotage myself. (To me, even listing goals can feed a scary self-sabotage.) I just want instead to express them as directions I want to go in, rather than tasks to accomplish.

Those are:
Health -- exercise more consistently and be more consistently mindful about not just what I eat, but portions

Writing -- recommit to my novel and my poetry; find my inner "just do it"

Relationship -- stay involved but be wary of caretaking and enmeshment

That's it. Travel is not a goal of mine but more M's. I'll enjoy it and am grateful for the opportunities but don't want to add to it at this point. I think the climate can't stand a lot more recreational flying so I want to focus more on weekends or daytrips that will be stimulating but not all-consuming. Costa Rica is about his family so I'm happy to go twice a year. For the same reason we'll go to CA at least twice/year. And I can't imagine M being content without Europe at least once. So that's five big trips/year which for me is a lot and which is about a third to a half of his usual.

One thing that MAY happen in 2020 is us taking things to new levels. (Home and marriage). I think that's more likely not going to happen for another year or two. I think we have some solid work to do together in therapy before we get there.

In the meantime I want to stay present, work on calm and peace and health.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, both

Hops, I think it very sensible to have directions rather than tasks, and yours are all sensible directions, too   The travel sounds fun, although tiring as well!  But tiredness from having fun is a different kind of tiredness and a much more tolerable one (or it is for me, anyway).  I think the therapy work before big commitments is very sensible and will save/avoid many problems in the future that may occur if rushing in is the way forward.  You are a wise owl

Lighter, I have found an EMDR person in town - easy to get to, son can sit in the waiting room, appointment fees are manageable and I think I'd probably go once a fortnight rather than weekly.  I'm planning to use her once I start going through all that paperwork, to work on the issues that come up.  I think fortnightly is best as I can't see myself whizzing through it.  I'm envisaging lots of stopping and starting and lots of self care at the same time.  I feel better knowing I can get some practical support to deal with it all.

In other news, the election result is in here and it's devastating for us.  The same party have been re-elected, despite the horrors they have unleashed on the disabled community over the last decade and their consistent refusal to fund even a basic level of support for people.  So there will be no respite here from the lack of income or services and we will have to continue to muddle through.  I was really hoping for a change, to at least have some hope that things would get easier.  I feel very heavy hearted now (and am avoiding social media because the racism, homophobia, sexism and all the other kinds of hideousness is just rife.  Even the simplest comment or statement is met with a barrage of hate and abuse).  Utterly vile and I can see no option other than to avoid it all and keep focusing on looking after myself and son.

But - onwards.  Christmas prep is more or less done.  I don't do a huge amount but the bits I do buy have been posted off and son's stuff is ordered and should be here next week.  I did a big online food shop last week to last us the month so will only need to pop out for fresh fruit and veg so hopefully can avoid the supermarkets now and the Christmas madness.

I do feel very tired and low but I think it might be the relief of feeling that it's all over.  The stress levels have been high and it's starting to leave me now, so I'm focusing on looking after myself well.  House cleaning today, and catching up on laundry and general 'at home' bits and pieces.  We've got some nice things organised for next week, then it's Christmas and then that's it!  Last bits of paperwork to sort out (probably after Christmas now) and then we can really focus on what we do next.  I've been looking at intentional communities again and there are a lot about, so I think something suitable will come up.

[Hopalong]

Heartfelt sympathies about Boris and how all that affects you and son, Tupp. I'm crushed for you and the short-sighted U.K. voters. I can't fathom how a country that could be part of a united Europe thinks its people will be happy without that robust partnership, warts and all.

Then again, it's unfathomable over here, too. Nationalism and isolationism are naive and very scary substitutes for belonging to something bigger than oneself. The answer has become fake news and confused notions about patriotism, when it should be community and belonging. Anyway, no more politics (here) from me.

Just like "Keep calm and carry on" I am inspired by the one-way you deal with it:
ONWARD.

Thanks, Tupp. As ever, you inspire me.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Heartfelt sympathies about Boris and how all that affects you and son, Tupp. I'm crushed for you and the short-sighted U.K. voters. I can't fathom how a country that could be part of a united Europe thinks its people will be happy without that robust partnership, warts and all.

Then again, it's unfathomable over here, too. Nationalism and isolationism are naive and very scary substitutes for belonging to something bigger than oneself. The answer has become fake news and confused notions about patriotism, when it should be community and belonging. Anyway, no more politics (here) from me.

Just like "Keep calm and carry on" I am inspired by the one-way you deal with it:
ONWARD.

Thanks, Tupp. As ever, you inspire me.

Hugs
Hops

I hear ya, Hops, but I think a lot of people here would be happier with a Britain more like it was in the 1950's - mostly white faces and foreigners knew their place.  There are a lot of people who just don't like people from other countries - they don't mind Americans, Canadians or Australians because they're 'like us' but they don't like different languages, cultures, accents and so on.  I always wanted to travel and didn't, so the fact that the world has come to me and I can experience different religions, cultures, languages and so on on my doorstep is a big plus for me.  But not everyone feels that way and so there we are.

 There is a lot of misinformation out there.  Newspaper stories only tell negatives and of course there are undesirables coming to the country, as there are undesirables who were born here.  But the majority of immigrant workers are exactly that, workers, doing jobs we can't or won't do and doing what most of us want - trying to better themselves and give their kids or future kids a better start than they had.  Which I can identify with so strongly as that's exactly what I've always tried to do with son.  I think the Utopia many are expecting is not going to unfold, simply because much of what has been in the papers hasn't given an accurate overview.  Instead of ridding us of a strong criminal and workshy element, I think it's going to rid us of a good workforce and people are going to feel the pinch.  Not to mention all the trade deals - there are stories all over the internet from business owners, big and small, who are already experiencing problems because of the uncertainty of what would happen when we leave.  People can't prepare because they don't know what, if anything, will be set up.  So overseas clients aren't putting in orders, because they need the security.  Similarly British people in EU countries are finding it harder to get work, because their potential employers don't know what will happen with visas and so on, so it's less hassle for them to hire someone they know can still do the job in a year's time.  And so on and so on.  In a way son and I are well prepared, because we've been dealing with a lack of everything for the last ten years, but I think a lot of people are going to feel the pinch very soon and I don't think they're expecting it.

But anyway, enough of all that   Onwards is the only way, isn't it?  I've got you guys, for which I'm very grateful.  My left wing friends here are crushed, I think we were all astounded at the result so it's been a quiet weekend but people will rally and help each other out and that's as much as we can all do, I think.  It's interesting to me how it's often people who have the least who are willing to share.  But moving forward - I did some house cleaning today, found a very good yoga video that quieted my awful, anxious, butterfly chest that I've been struggling with all day in a matter of minutes (definitely adding that one to the list!), dinner is marinating in the fridge and son is watching Mr Bean   Lol, the world falls apart and life inside the house is the same as any other day xx

[Hopalong]

ONWARD!

Mr. Bean for PM!

(And now I am tiptoeing directly out of politics here. Will try to hold that boundary.)

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Tupp:

I'm so glad you found an EMDR practitioner!  YES! 

What what what do I want to say.....
be fearless. 

Lean into it, and trust yourself.   

Hold HUGE compassion and zero judgment.   


Condolences on election results.  The greed, hatred, and xenophobia are heartbreaking.  Stay away from the news if that feels right... right now self-care is so important, ((Deserving One.))

Lighter

   

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, both   Yes, Hops, Mr Bean for PM!  Lol, at least he would make everyone laugh   Son finds him hysterical, he was watching a Christmas special where he gets his head stuck in a turkey and I thought he was going to stop breathing, he was laughing so hard

Lighter, thank you, am staying away from anything that doesn't lift at the moment and have changed settings on social media so that I can only see posts from left wing friends at the moment, who are all busy organising help the homeless events and fetching elderly people to Christmas lunches.  Am thinking we may sign up to help out somewhere next year; I've always worried that it would be too much for son, plus there are often health and safety insurance issues about under 18s in public kitchens and so on, but I think next year he would be okay for it and he would be old enough as well.  We'll see.

I wanted to ask your advice about the EMDR.  I currently have 32 Lever Arch and box files in my sitting room, all to do with the hideousness that's gone on over the years.  Each incident has a separate box or file, with some incidents taking up several boxes as they generated so much hideousness.  My plan is to work through each incident, writing about it and working through what comes up, with the EMDR lady but also by reading and re-reading helpful books about abuse patterns and corruption in local authority (and no doubt with you guys on here).  What I want to have at the end of it is something coherent, that examines everything we've been put through and is, at the very least, a comprehensive summary that I can tuck easily onto a book shelf so that I still have a record after I've scanned and shredded all the paperwork.  If it is something worth publishing and that might help other people in a similar situation that would be great, but if not, it's a personal achievement, a sort of self analysis of an awful situation spanning almost two decades.

What I was planning to do was to deal with the least troublesome incidents first.  For example, the box I've selected to start with is relating to benefit tribunals (where we had to go to a hearing to ask for a benefit decision to be checked because I thought they'd got it wrong).  There isn't much attached to it - some anxiety because I'd never done it before, some frustration that you have to fight for basic support, further frustration that they'd rather spend thousands fighting you over the benefit instead of following the law and giving you what you're entitled to, as it costs less anyway.  But it's minimal, on a scale of 1 to 10 it would barely score a one.  I can read through it and only experience mild sensations which are quickly forgotten.

My question is, do you think starting with the easiest boxes is the right approach?  My thinking was that if I start with the easier stuff I can (a) get myself into a bit of a routine and rhythm with it and (b) work out the lesser feelings relatively easily which might mean that when we get to the bigger stuff it's not as big and i'll be much more practised at, so it will be a bit easier to deal with?  Does that sound sensible to you or have you found that it doesn't work out like that?  Thank you in advance

And now I have another question, for all of you, as you all know me better than anyone else does.

I had an email last night, from a guy who I often think of as 'the one that got away'.  There have been several times over the years that we've got together, it's looked like it's going somewhere and then one or other of us has backed off.  We have similar upbringing situations and that can be both a blessing and a curse, as you all know.

Anyway - he is living two streets away from where I used to live.  I'd been thinking during the day about how much I miss my flat and again lamenting that I've moved and wishing that I hadn't.  When I heard that he was living so close, I just got this image in my head of being sat in my flat, on Christmas Day, with him, and I just burst into tears.

I know it doesn't mean anything.  The fact that he's living there doesn't mean we'd have got together, or that if we were together we'd be happy, or that I'd be happy him being close by but with someone else.  I know that, if we hadn't moved, I would still be thinking that we'd have been happier if we'd moved away, that son would have been happier in college, I'd still be anxious about mum driving by, I'd still be resentful of friends who didn't visit.  I know all of that and I get it, but it also made me realise how I really just want to be happy and how I feel that, every time I try to change my situation so that I am happy, it doesn't work out.  I do try to be happy with what I have and focus on good things (there is a lot that I am grateful for and I'm particularly appreciative of all of you) but it just seems to elude me in a way that doesn't seem to affect so many others.

So my question is, can you see where I'm going wrong?  From all of my posts on here and the endless ramblings of my mind, can you see where I get the decisions wrong and what I can change?  Son is about to have his seventeenth Christmas with still only me as his family and I do wonder why I still don't have a strong phamily around me when I've worked so hard on myself and to create a good life for him.  I do feel like I repel rather than attract people.  Can you see any patterns that I'm missing?  I would really appreciate the feedback, even if it's something that I don't want to hear

Thank you in advance.  The cat has just attacked a reflection of herself in a Christmas tree bauble and pulled the whole tree over so my normal day has begun and I am off to attend to it.  Lol xx

[Hopalong]

Dear, dear (((((Tupp)))).

Hurts my heart to think of you bursting into tears of loneliness. I do think that's what it is.

Remember once not too long ago, you mentioned that you may be mildly on the spectrum? Do you think it's possible that when you interact, you are logical about it in a way that folks without that "superpower" are not? And that doing things "right" socially (according to much mental effort and rehearsal) is difficult at times? It MIGHT be that you are reacting to people according to an internal script that leaves you detached a bit, from the little cues that might guide you in the present moment with people?

This is all speculation and may be way off the mark. "They" always talk about "social cues" for folks who are not completely neurotypical. And it often strikes me as heartbreaking that some of the best people in the world (Tupp, go look in mirror) don't necessarily interact socially with ease and relaxation though NO fault of their own, and who, if one gets to know them, can be the most honest, caring, loyal and reliable friends in one's world.

As much of an extroverted blabbermouth as I am, it is still difficult for me to form close friendships, particularly with women. I'm not on the spectrum, but in the past I've been so driven to heal inner damage from bullying by girls (think: packs of wolves at a beagle) ... that I've been too "desperate." I've lost a few female friends over the years and it hurt me more than romantic breakups with men did. But graaaaaaaaaaaadaully, I learned what I was doing/feeling/and why.

The only thing that made things better for me was finding friends in a benign context (like my uber-liberal church that loves agnostics, atheists, humanists, atypical/disabled, whatever one is). Once there, and once I'd gotten to know a few people through group activities, some real friendships did grow that are the light of my life now. A handfull is enough and I am so grateful for them.

The other thing that made things better was just toughing it out during many years when I felt that acute loneliness and continuing to read and go to T and struggle (it WAS a struggle) to experience what self-love felt like. Plonking myself down at church each week (even though the place is kind of messed up right now), actually did build me a sense of phamily. The truth is, it took several years to get started. One-offs or start-and-stop involvements just never did it. Do you sing? Choir practice is one "phamily" people in it seem to love. They get close for years....

One day I had an epiphany about reciprocity in friendship that I mentioned here before. I wound up telling a woman I'd been feeling quite hurt about (she was always friendly and affectionate to me when we saw each other for "group" things and came to visit a couple times when I was so stressed over family) but she lived far out of town. Then moved five minutes from me, and I was so excited that of course we'd be "regular friends" now. She never called. Never invited me up the hill to see her new place. But I liked her. So one day when she arrived early for the covenant group, I just said, You know, I've always had a hard time forming friendships with women because of childhood baggage, and I realized recently that with you, I've been carrying around some hurt because I wanted to be friend-friends and not just group-activity friends. I think what happened was that I wanted a closer friendship and was feeling hurt about it, because I made it up in my head. You are wonderful and very kind to me, but I wasn't basing my friendship fantasy on something reciprocal. You have a stable group of friends and I think I've realized you're just not looking for another close one. She was a little startled but not offended, listened to me, and just accepted what I said about myself. Because I didn't ask for or expect her to do anything, I'd just wanted to tell her about a growth process I'd been through inside. I was telling her: I'm okay with this reality. And oddly enough, even though we still don't see each other one-on-one outside of that group, I think we feel more comfortable around each other than we ever did before. I'm still very fond of her; I just realize that she has emotional limits of her own.

Only thing I can say from knowing you in writing, is that perhaps you try so hard that it's absolutely crushing when it doesn't manifest. I have been there. For a long time, the social GROUP things I'd do were just all I had...because all the wishing in the world for close phamily didn't make it so. I even used group things for a time as a kind of anesthetic, or bandage over the wound of isolation. It didn't fix everything to sit in the sanctuary and watch dust motes in a sunbeam. But eventually it did feel that the pew itself, and the light, and the piano and choir, were friends in an odd way. Because I went repeatedly for long enough that it became a home-extension, another place in my life that was home...just from the repetition of it.

I can't imagine how difficult it may be for you to get out regularly to something like that if son isn't able to sit quietly through a service (would he be able to, with the headphones)? But that's just my own experience.

The other thing that crosses my mind (I have no idea about its existence or availability) might be, (because if you are neuro-atypical it's surely mildly so) would be to wonder whether there's any kind of organization for families of neuro-atypical kids like your son. Surely, some of those parents your own age might understand and respond to you as they understand how to  read the "code" of someone who's somewhere on the spectrum, and friendships might form. One never knows but you know I always think of you in accepting group settings....

I can imagine that parents of younger kids than your son would be awed and pleased to get to know you, because your sanity and wisdom about all you've battled through for him would give them courage for their own situations. I dunno, but I can see you being a valuable friend to parents of such kids.

Back to my first point, though, is to never ever stop the process of learning to genuinely love and respect yourself.

This blast of loneliness is so understandable and don't forget, IT'S THE FREAKING HOLIDAYS. That's when absence of family or phamily is more acute than any other time of year. And it's NOT your "fault."

It's like weather, and this is the worst. If I were so lucky as to live nearby, I'd be in your flat right now with the chamomile. But I'd bring the rum, goes well...

This too shall pass, good Tupp.

With love to you, hon, and a huge hug (if you like hugs),
Hops

[lighter]

Tupp:

About the files, and making sense of them.  I get that.  I've kept my own.... and I'm not sure why.  The interesting thing, for me now, is I'm seeing possibilities I couldn't see before.  Not good or bad, just new and more creative.  It feels like working through some of the hardest stuff opened up space for.....
more.  More creativity.  More options. 

More means less focus on all the unprocessed things tapping us on the shoulder, asking for attention.  We tend to them, they process, and get filed in historic files.  It frees up space in the brain, our ability to process improves, and starts firing on all cylinders.  I hope you keep a journal, Tupp. 

To your question.... starting with the easier files makes sense to me.  Once you begin processing you might find you're less reactive, or not reacting at all when you get to them. 

I sent you an IM, bc I couldn't STOP responding to your other questions.  There's lots of information, but the important bit is... the answers aren't outside you.  The T wil help you remember who you are... whole just as you are.  No need for changing or doing or fearing.  All the crud others installed over your lovely newborn self will fall away..... however that looks for you.... it's going to happen.

I so believe in you, ((Tupp.))

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Dear, dear (((((Tupp)))).

Hurts my heart to think of you bursting into tears of loneliness. I do think that's what it is.

Remember once not too long ago, you mentioned that you may be mildly on the spectrum? Do you think it's possible that when you interact, you are logical about it in a way that folks without that "superpower" are not? And that doing things "right" socially (according to much mental effort and rehearsal) is difficult at times? It MIGHT be that you are reacting to people according to an internal script that leaves you detached a bit, from the little cues that might guide you in the present moment with people?

This is all speculation and may be way off the mark. "They" always talk about "social cues" for folks who are not completely neurotypical. And it often strikes me as heartbreaking that some of the best people in the world (Tupp, go look in mirror) don't necessarily interact socially with ease and relaxation though NO fault of their own, and who, if one gets to know them, can be the most honest, caring, loyal and reliable friends in one's world.

As much of an extroverted blabbermouth as I am, it is still difficult for me to form close friendships, particularly with women. I'm not on the spectrum, but in the past I've been so driven to heal inner damage from bullying by girls (think: packs of wolves at a beagle) ... that I've been too "desperate." I've lost a few female friends over the years and it hurt me more than romantic breakups with men did. But graaaaaaaaaaaadaully, I learned what I was doing/feeling/and why.

The only thing that made things better for me was finding friends in a benign context (like my uber-liberal church that loves agnostics, atheists, humanists, atypical/disabled, whatever one is). Once there, and once I'd gotten to know a few people through group activities, some real friendships did grow that are the light of my life now. A handfull is enough and I am so grateful for them.

The other thing that made things better was just toughing it out during many years when I felt that acute loneliness and continuing to read and go to T and struggle (it WAS a struggle) to experience what self-love felt like. Plonking myself down at church each week (even though the place is kind of messed up right now), actually did build me a sense of phamily. The truth is, it took several years to get started. One-offs or start-and-stop involvements just never did it. Do you sing? Choir practice is one "phamily" people in it seem to love. They get close for years....

One day I had an epiphany about reciprocity in friendship that I mentioned here before. I wound up telling a woman I'd been feeling quite hurt about (she was always friendly and affectionate to me when we saw each other for "group" things and came to visit a couple times when I was so stressed over family) but she lived far out of town. Then moved five minutes from me, and I was so excited that of course we'd be "regular friends" now. She never called. Never invited me up the hill to see her new place. But I liked her. So one day when she arrived early for the covenant group, I just said, You know, I've always had a hard time forming friendships with women because of childhood baggage, and I realized recently that with you, I've been carrying around some hurt because I wanted to be friend-friends and not just group-activity friends. I think what happened was that I wanted a closer friendship and was feeling hurt about it, because I made it up in my head. You are wonderful and very kind to me, but I wasn't basing my friendship fantasy on something reciprocal. You have a stable group of friends and I think I've realized you're just not looking for another close one. She was a little startled but not offended, listened to me, and just accepted what I said about myself. Because I didn't ask for or expect her to do anything, I'd just wanted to tell her about a growth process I'd been through inside. I was telling her: I'm okay with this reality. And oddly enough, even though we still don't see each other one-on-one outside of that group, I think we feel more comfortable around each other than we ever did before. I'm still very fond of her; I just realize that she has emotional limits of her own.

Only thing I can say from knowing you in writing, is that perhaps you try so hard that it's absolutely crushing when it doesn't manifest. I have been there. For a long time, the social GROUP things I'd do were just all I had...because all the wishing in the world for close phamily didn't make it so. I even used group things for a time as a kind of anesthetic, or bandage over the wound of isolation. It didn't fix everything to sit in the sanctuary and watch dust motes in a sunbeam. But eventually it did feel that the pew itself, and the light, and the piano and choir, were friends in an odd way. Because I went repeatedly for long enough that it became a home-extension, another place in my life that was home...just from the repetition of it.

I can't imagine how difficult it may be for you to get out regularly to something like that if son isn't able to sit quietly through a service (would he be able to, with the headphones)? But that's just my own experience.

The other thing that crosses my mind (I have no idea about its existence or availability) might be, (because if you are neuro-atypical it's surely mildly so) would be to wonder whether there's any kind of organization for families of neuro-atypical kids like your son. Surely, some of those parents your own age might understand and respond to you as they understand how to  read the "code" of someone who's somewhere on the spectrum, and friendships might form. One never knows but you know I always think of you in accepting group settings....

I can imagine that parents of younger kids than your son would be awed and pleased to get to know you, because your sanity and wisdom about all you've battled through for him would give them courage for their own situations. I dunno, but I can see you being a valuable friend to parents of such kids.

Back to my first point, though, is to never ever stop the process of learning to genuinely love and respect yourself.

This blast of loneliness is so understandable and don't forget, IT'S THE FREAKING HOLIDAYS. That's when absence of family or phamily is more acute than any other time of year. And it's NOT your "fault."

It's like weather, and this is the worst. If I were so lucky as to live nearby, I'd be in your flat right now with the chamomile. But I'd bring the rum, goes well...

This too shall pass, good Tupp.

With love to you, hon, and a huge hug (if you like hugs),
Hops

Thanks, Hops, I really do appreciate you taking the time and trouble to write all of that down.

Yes, definitely tears of loneliness; I've been crying on and off all day today.  It is this time of year; the lack of sunlight makes me low, despite my best efforts to counteract it, and then all the Christmas stuff as well.  Plus the election result.  A former neighbour wrote to tell me she's just lost her husband, a friend is coming up to her second Christmas without her son, who took his own life, and my auntie emailed me to let me know my uncle is losing his cancer battle and isn't thought to have long left now.  So it's been a bit of a week and sometimes it does just all bubble up and over and becomes too much.  I am trying to just go with the feelings and not change or repress them too much, without wallowing for too long as I don't think that helps, either.

I do remember you saying about the friend who didn't want to be as close as you did and I do think that's part of it with me.  I think as well possibly the autism (or not, I'm still not sure!) means I find it hard to understand or recognise that a lot of people spend time with people just because they do.  Not because it means a huge amount to them or they're particularly dazzled by the friendship or endlessly fascinated by them but just because they have a bit of time to fill.  Whereas I do tend to only spend time with people because I really want to - because I find it tiring and I don't see the point to it otherwise - I'd rather read a book than spend time with someone I'm not really that keen on.  So I think that's partly why I feel so baffled when people I've seen or spoken to regularly for ten, fifteen, twenty years just vanish from my life.  I think the reciprocity thing is difficult for me as well, and I know we've spoken about that before.  I got a card from a friend this morning that said she hopes to see more of me in 2020 and all I could think was, does that mean you'll be making more effort?  Because I'm all in at 100% and can't do anymore.  And that's something I struggle with as well.  But I will just have to keep working on it and changing my perceptions and assumptions about how things are, I think.  It does remind me of a time I bumped into someone I went to school with.  She was endlessly and relentlessly bullied throughout school and was diagnosed autistic later on in life.  She introduced me to her kids as her best friend at school and it broke my heart because I was just one of the few that didn't try to destroy her.  But for her it was enough to see it so differently and I feel a bit like that's what I'm like now - just reading too much into things and not realising that, for other people, it just isn't a big deal.

Groups are difficult because both son and I have fluctuating health problems so it's not always easy to get along each time, but I did realise today that now college is over with, son and I can get back to our old routine of home and school stuff during the day, and activities at night.  That suited us both better and we can build up slowly again - cinema one night, swimming another, bowling another.  There's still a lot around here that we haven't done because he's been too tired, so I think we can start to build up a bit more of a social life that way.  They've also just published their events at the IT suite at the library for next month and there's loads of stuff son would like - coding, laser cutting, go pro photography and so on.  So we can work on things at home that link to each workshop and then go in and join the group.  He'll really enjoy that and get so much more out of it than he was getting at college.  So I think that will help.

Thank you, Hops, yes, bring the rum   Lol xx

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

About the files, and making sense of them.  I get that.  I've kept my own.... and I'm not sure why.  The interesting thing, for me now, is I'm seeing possibilities I couldn't see before.  Not good or bad, just new and more creative.  It feels like working through some of the hardest stuff opened up space for.....
more.  More creativity.  More options. 

More means less focus on all the unprocessed things tapping us on the shoulder, asking for attention.  We tend to them, they process, and get filed in historic files.  It frees up space in the brain, our ability to process improves, and starts firing on all cylinders.  I hope you keep a journal, Tupp. 

To your question.... starting with the easier files makes sense to me.  Once you begin processing you might find you're less reactive, or not reacting at all when you get to them. 

I sent you an IM, bc I couldn't STOP responding to your other questions.  There's lots of information, but the important bit is... the answers aren't outside you.  The T wil help you remember who you are... whole just as you are.  No need for changing or doing or fearing.  All the crud others installed over your lovely newborn self will fall away..... however that looks for you.... it's going to happen.

I so believe in you, ((Tupp.))

Lighter

Lighter, thank you so much, I've just seen the things you've sent, thank you, I will have a good read through over the next few days.  You are so kind.  Thank you for the advice re the EMDR as well; it's reassuring to know that starting small sounds like a good plan to you, too.  I was looking at all the files today and wondering how I'd feel when they're all gone.  I just pictured myself taking all the empty files and the bookcase to the charity shop and just having a space there.  It felt really good.  Thank you again, I will read through.  I'm looking forward to getting rid of the crud   Lol xx

[lighter]

Imagine how it will feel to touch and look at the files, as you finish dealing with them,  and feel absolutely nothing, Tupp: )

Wouldn't that be amazing?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Imagine how it will feel to touch and look at the files, as you finish dealing with them,  and feel absolutely nothing, Tupp: )

Wouldn't that be amazing?

Lighter

Lighter, do you know what, I realised I can't even imagine looking at those files - or thinking about what happened, or bumping in to any of the people involved, or even hearing about something similar happening to someone else - and feeling nothing.  There's such a lump in my heart attached to everything that's gone on for so long now that to not have that there - I feel like I'll just float up into the clouds and drift around over everyone else's heads because there'll just be nothing to weigh me down anymore   Apart from mince pies, obviously

I am trying really hard to shift my thinking from what/who I don't have and what I'm missing, to the opportunities that we have in front of us now.  We've got time - oh my days, we've got time, and I've felt so lacking in that for so long now.  I can build a good programme up for son to follow at home again.  We can go out in the evenings, get back into our activities, get him away from the 'learning disabilities/gardening/art and craft/play on the computer' stuff that everyone seems to think is what he should be doing, even though he doesn't want to.  I've got the opportunity to look for a new business idea and create something that we both enjoy and make money from - that's a huge bonus.  And I've got these opportunities now to look at different living situations, whether it's different places or with different people - and find something new that works for us.  And yes, I'm looking forward to getting on with the EMDR in the New Year and imagining one neat book instead of 32 files, and a big burning ceremony (or shredding ceremony, I'm not sure which!  shredding is easier where we are but burning feels a lot more satisfying).  And as I wrote that I got an image of going up to my friend's place, back where we used to live.  She has a big garden, she knows what went on over the years and helped me with some of it and she would be up for a fire ceremony and is in an isolated enough spot that we could burn all of it without the smoke blowing over anyone's washing.  That would be a fun road trip.  xx