Author Topic: What's New for 2020?  (Read 7954 times)

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #105 on: February 18, 2020, 01:57:11 PM »
I'm so pleased to read your update, Tupp!

Not good or bad.  Just comfortable.

Yes; )

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #106 on: February 18, 2020, 08:33:36 PM »
(((((Tupp)))))

What's extraordinary to me is that your healing is leading to the most important thing of all....experiencing the ordinary, in peace. Simple, beautiful peace.

I know how amazing that is. The adrenalin has resumed its proper place, if you need it to avoid being hit by a bus or something. Very handy. But not needed for your daily life. I'm so so so glad. 

I loved the image of your son stretching by the road. How his own stress is rolling off of him. It's beautiful. You both deserve this and you absolutely awe me by how determinedly you never gave up, you kept working at it and working at it and then took the risk of trusting the new T.

That was an enormously bold, brave and mature act. I am so thrilled for you. And I hope the peaceful ordinary just goes on and on. If there are days out of sync I have no fear whatsoever that you'll get right back to it again. It's in you now and your body and mind won't forget how peace feels.

I'm so happy this is happening in your life. What's even more amazing to me is that you are such a fine writer that when you share these accounts, I can see/feel/imagine it so vividly, and it becomes even more real.

Your honesty, your talent for storytelling, and your courage...have added up to these moments. I don't know when I've ever heard anything more inspiring. Thank you.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #107 on: February 19, 2020, 01:41:01 AM »
I'm so pleased to read your update, Tupp!

Not good or bad.  Just comfortable.

Yes; )

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter!  It's a real change to be able to keep writing positive updates!  A new experience for me :)  Lol, yes, I'm liking comfortable, it feels like a good place to be :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #108 on: February 19, 2020, 01:58:59 AM »
(((((Tupp)))))

What's extraordinary to me is that your healing is leading to the most important thing of all....experiencing the ordinary, in peace. Simple, beautiful peace.

It's extraordinary to me, too, Hops!  I really didn't expect this to happen.  I kind of hoped that this experience wouldn't be a bad one and that maybe I just could get to a point where I didn't feel so horrendously ill all the time.  I really didn't dream that things could become easy :)

I know how amazing that is. The adrenalin has resumed its proper place, if you need it to avoid being hit by a bus or something. Very handy. But not needed for your daily life. I'm so so so glad. 

It has, Hops, it's gone back in its box :)  I was saying to the T yesterday that what's amazed me the most is that the changes I'm experiencing are very profound, but also very subtle.  The years of childhood neglect that came up last week were so deeply ingrained in me I didn't even realise they were there.  They were as much a part of me as my skin or my eyes (or any other body part :) ).  Yet that deep change shifted so completely that all my self denial and neglect has evaporated, but in a very quiet and non-obvious way.  It's a subtle change on the outside but it's because something huge happened inside.  And it happened without me doing anything.  I literally just sit there and watch a light go back and forth.  Mind blowing.

I loved the image of your son stretching by the road. How his own stress is rolling off of him. It's beautiful. You both deserve this and you absolutely awe me by how determinedly you never gave up, you kept working at it and working at it and then took the risk of trusting the new T.

She was a good T to take a chance on, Hops, I'm really glad I was willing to give it one more go :)  And yes, son seems to be experiencing positive benefits from it as well.  He's wearing his ear defenders far less as well - just saying that his ears don't hurt as much.  It will be amazing if this helps both of us :)

That was an enormously bold, brave and mature act. I am so thrilled for you. And I hope the peaceful ordinary just goes on and on. If there are days out of sync I have no fear whatsoever that you'll get right back to it again. It's in you now and your body and mind won't forget how peace feels.

Thanks, Hops :)  One of the things I was thinking about yesterday is the feeling now that, if something hideous happens in the future (which of course it might, none of us are immune to that), I can just go for a few sessions to sort it out.  I felt that I had completely lost my resilience to any kind of setback over this last year or so and that really scared me - how do you get through life if you can't cope with anything negative happening?  And that had worried me a lot.  But now I feel that (a) things will affect me less because I don't have as much baggage to carry around anyway, and (b), I've got a way of dealing with things now if they are too big for me to manage on my own.

I'm so happy this is happening in your life. What's even more amazing to me is that you are such a fine writer that when you share these accounts, I can see/feel/imagine it so vividly, and it becomes even more real.

Thanks, Hops :)  I am having to write it all down because it doesn't feel real :)  I want to be able to remember it and make sense of it.  I'm finding it really difficult to get my head around how it's working.  It's like she's rubbing out all the bad experiences and giving me a clean slate to start working from.

Your honesty, your talent for storytelling, and your courage...have added up to these moments. I don't know when I've ever heard anything more inspiring. Thank you.

Thank you!  All of you, you all help me so much through so many things and I don't think anyone else would understand how much this therapy is helping because I don't think anyone in the real world actually knows how much has gone on over the years?
 I've shared far more on here than I ever have anywhere else.  I'm really glad that you're all here for me to share good news with!
 And I hope there's more to share in the future, too :)


hugs
Hops

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #109 on: February 19, 2020, 09:20:37 AM »
I'm just jotting a few things down as I notice them happening :)

A man on the bus started chatting to me.  I chatted to him briefly but didn't really want to carry on the conversation, so I didn't encourage it any further - I was polite but not enthusiastic - and I didn't worry or feel bad about whether he'd feel bad that I didn't talk to him the whole journey.

When we got off the bus my neighbour was outside his house.  He's an elderly disabled chap who asked me last week to pop round to see him but wouldn't tell me why he wanted me to.  I will pop round at some point but I haven't had a chance yet this week and when I saw him outside I just said hi to him and then went into my own house - I didn't feel I needed to explain myself or go round there straight away.  Usually I would fret and feel really anxious about something like that.

I posted some autism information to a local group I'm in this morning without worrying endlessly about whether or not I ought to post it (it's a fact based article about eye contact and not forcing people to do it so it's nothing controversial but usually I would have worried whether someone might disagree with it or be offended by it).

We've been out for lunch and I haven't fretted about whether we ought to or not.  We were hungry so we ate.  I saw someone in there that I know and just said hi, without worrying about whether or not I should go over to talk properly.  All the silly, pointless unnecessary anxiety about so many things just isn't there now and it's just made life feel so much easier.  I feel very, very lucky :) xx

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #110 on: February 19, 2020, 10:50:06 PM »
It's like flipping a switch, isn't it, Tupp?

I'm very glad to read your updates as I'm not as the island presents many opportunities to practice being present.  I've pushed on walls, breathed my lungs out for 4 hours today, noticed when I'm living in my amygdala.....lots and lots if practice.

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #111 on: February 25, 2020, 08:04:08 AM »
It's like flipping a switch, isn't it, Tupp?

I'm very glad to read your updates as I'm not as the island presents many opportunities to practice being present.  I've pushed on walls, breathed my lungs out for 4 hours today, noticed when I'm living in my amygdala.....lots and lots if practice.

Lighter

It is like resetting something, Lighter, and so much unnecessary stuff has fallen away.  The sense of urgency - got to run, got to be busy, got to keep doing things - just isn't there.  Son is on holiday from college this week and it's lovely.  We're ambling through the day, going out when we want to, staying in when we want to.  I am bumbling through my to do list and getting bits done but do you know what, most of what's on there doesn't appeal to me and I don't want to do it.  There is stuff I need to do - I think it will cause problems if I abandon some things at this point - but most of it, once it's done, won't be making its way into my life again.  I am going to be much, much more discerning in the future, about who I let in to my life and what sort of experiences I give time and space to.  No more making do, putting up with things, dealing with other people's crap.  Just about everything we've unpacked so far has been a traumatic incident that's been caused by someone else's deliberate action.  The only thing that wasn't anyone's fault was my dad dying, but everything else I've been through in my life could have been avoided if someone else had made a different choice.  Isn't that astonishing?  And of course, you can't control your childhood experiences, you're there and there's nowhere else for you to go.  But I can blooming well control my adult choices now and I want them to be, as much as possible, healthy, positive, constructive choices with emotionally astute people.  And I want to take notice when my spidey senses tingle and tell me to avoid people or give them a wide berth.  Phew!  Just saying that to myself feels like such a relief :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #112 on: February 25, 2020, 10:28:28 AM »
And as if by magic, I have practised what I preached :)  We are supposed to be going to a meeting with college later on this week.  I have been anxious about it - not as much as I might have been, but it's been bothering me none the less.  They've not, so far, followed any of the appropriate legislation or guidance, which is why son's needs haven't been met.  They're aware of what's been going on and they're aware that we won't be using anything from the local authority, or staying in the area, in the future.  The meeting is therefore a box ticking exercise, which only benefits them, not myself or son.  They send out a form in advance of the meeting, which I'd already filled in, and I didn't have anything to add to that.  I have been worrying that other people might be there - they had mentioned inviting local authority representatives and someone from a local work group that they syphon a lot of the learning disabled kids on to, neither of which I want.  I also don't like to talk about son in negative terms in front of him, so I won't be able to say anything much about the damage that's been done, and he just always says he's fine.  So the whole thing felt quite pointless and a bit of a waste of an afternoon.  And just now I thought - well - I won't go.  I'll put the form in the post and send it in by email as well, and then we can just carry on with enjoying our break (which so far has been lovely).  Decision was made, letter posted, and the weight lifted off me :)

Equally I have been fretting about his birthday.  I have a friend down here whose sons can't come to the birthday tea I've arranged, so I've been turning over logistics in my mind to fit in a second birthday thing that they can come to.  But son can't compute two birthday events - he's having one and that's that!  So it's been a bit tricky, plus it was trying to think of somewhere that they all like and can cope with (various ages and disabilities).  And then there's cost as well, plus getting everywhere by bus, plus not knowing how tired son will be after birthday bash number one, and so on and so on.  And then I thought - they can just come for cake.  I'll invite them for cake that weekend, and then if they want to come, they can, and if they don't want to, then it will have to wait until another time.  And with that, that particular worry lifted as well.  Phew!  Looking for ways to lift worries!  It feels good! xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #113 on: February 26, 2020, 01:17:36 PM »
And so the lack of internal chatter continues!  I'm just amazed at how much difference it makes not to have endless conversations and tribulations whirring at the back of my mind constantly.

I've been trying to use up food we already have because I want to give the kitchen a good clean, including defrost the fridge freezer and clean out the food cupboards.  So I've spent today, literally, cooking and eating everything that was left :)  I had lots of bits and pieces of different things and I've cooked up, eaten, tidied up and then cooked again.  It's been yummy, very relaxing, and it's amazing what you can cobble together from different bits and pieces.

I had an amazing nap this afternoon.  The difference to my sleep since I started the EMDR is very noticeable.  I'm sleeping deeper and more contentedly, I think, and feeling more refreshed when I wake up.  It's nice.

I also made a list this afternoon of all the files I want to work through, and the order I want to work through them in.  There are 36 files in total (in the sitting room; I've not started tackling the files on computer yet), on a large bookshelf.  I'm looking at that corner of the room and imagining that book shelf not being there and it feels nice.  I felt a bit of a reaction to a couple of things but was surprised to see there were things there that I'd forgotten about (!).  Each file represents some sort of hideous or unpleasant experience.  None of them are linked to positive or useful things.  Son turns 18 next week, which means he has been alive for 216 months.  With 36 unpleasant experiences in that time, that makes an average of something unpleasant every six months.  It's literally been virtually constant throughout his entire life.  So it has reinforced my desire to replace every single one of those unpleasant experiences with a magical, marvellous one.  Bollocks to all those bloody awful people.  He's sitting on the sofa right now, calm, happy, relaxed, feet up, laughing at the show he likes.  He's bloody lovely and I couldn't be more proud.  And now I'm excited at the idea of coming up with 36 good situations to replace all the crappy ones!  Lol.

I'm very astonished at feeling good even though nothing in particular has happened.  We've had a few quiet, uneventful days and I just feel nice.  Happy and relaxed - looking forward to bed but not exhausted?  And looking forward to a new day tomorrow, which is unheard of for me.  I usually just have to hope I manage to get through it.  Night night, lovelies! xx

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #114 on: February 26, 2020, 07:20:28 PM »
Sweet dreams, proud Mama Tupp!

Over the mooooooooooon about what's happening for you.

Huge hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #115 on: February 27, 2020, 08:40:17 AM »
I'm so happy for you, Tupp.  You sound content to be in the kitchen, editing and cleaning the house...... finishing up files, making decisions that please ONLY YOU, wooo hoo!

I think this is what they call.....
flow?

::nodding happily::.

The lack of chatter...
lack of dread....
lack of reactivity is noticeable in my life too.  I've stopped waiting for the other shoe to fall.  It believe it won't be back.

Sleep is healing and it's wonderful to read you're sleeping better.   YAY! YAY!

Congrats on canceling the meeting that gained you nothing.  I'd love to hear more about how you might have handled that in the past and how things have changed around that decision making process.

You sound like you're surfin real good: )

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #116 on: February 28, 2020, 09:50:09 AM »
Sweet dreams, proud Mama Tupp!

Over the mooooooooooon about what's happening for you.

Huge hugs,
Hops

Thanks, Hops :)  Do you know what I realised?  That I'm feeling surges of warm, happy, contented love for him, instead of the terror stricken, "Jesus I have to keep him safe, I can't let these people near him" kind of protective love that I've felt since the day he was born.  I still feel enormously protective, obviously, but something else is coming up and its easier and more comfortable and just feels cuddly?  Safe love, rather than having to keep him safe love?  Which is a big revelation for me, and a big change :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #117 on: February 28, 2020, 09:58:20 AM »
I'm so happy for you, Tupp.  You sound content to be in the kitchen, editing and cleaning the house...... finishing up files, making decisions that please ONLY YOU, wooo hoo!

I think this is what they call.....
flow?

::nodding happily::.

The lack of chatter...
lack of dread....
lack of reactivity is noticeable in my life too.  I've stopped waiting for the other shoe to fall.  It believe it won't be back.

Sleep is healing and it's wonderful to read you're sleeping better.   YAY! YAY!

Congrats on canceling the meeting that gained you nothing.  I'd love to hear more about how you might have handled that in the past and how things have changed around that decision making process.

You sound like you're surfin real good: )

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter :)  I feel like a surfer :)  Lol.  I think with that meeting, I'd have spent so much time and energy worrying about what to do, how to play it, trying to foresee all possible outcomes, always worried a little that social services will get involved again and it will escalate so quickly.  And I did worry about it a bit, but far less, and I have gone over it endlessly since cancelling it.  I got a thing through from the doctor yesterday; another huge form they want filling in, then they want son in for two appointments, then blood tests - all for 'standard' checks that he doesn't need and that he (and I) finds very stressful and unpleasant, not to mention time consuming.  I started to worry about it because they do come after you if you don't attend appointments and then I thought - he's 18 next week.  Legally an adult, legally able to make his own decisions.  For an important medical issue I would always take him where he needs to go but for this kind of thing, he can choose whether or not he wants to do it.  So I talked it all through with him, showed him the form they want him to fill in, went through the number of times they want him down there and he said "I don't want to do it".  So I said okay.  And that will be that.  They'd have to go to court to force him to undergo the appointment, and then they'd have to arrange social workers to organise it all because I'm only legally responsible for him for another few days.  Once he's 18 they can't make me do anything.  And oh my goodness, the weight that lifted off my shoulders then!  It's the layers coming off, isn't it, one bit falls away and the other bits loosen up.

Are you home safely from your travels now?  I hope you're getting a chance to rest xx

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #118 on: February 28, 2020, 11:02:13 AM »
Hi, Tupp:

I'm glad you overcame the worry/anxiety of blowing off the meeting and doc appointments.  I worried for you as I read your posts.  Will these decisions impact ds' benefits?  Then I remembered... this is Tupp.  She's done the calculations.  She knows.  All will be well.

I'm home, catching up kid's laundry while wondering about the wisdom of doing so.   

I have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in months.  He's been studying meditation.. just finished a 2 year course, and we have a stronger relationship.... balanced... interesting.... reciprocal.  Nice.

Lots percolating... think 2 weeks on island (with overachiever brother) and CB's thread has something to do with it.  Like I realized there's no real shackle anywhere on me, inside me.  I guess my gaze is expanding.  I know my interpretation of things is as valid and very often more accurate than anyone's.  The chatter and doubt around it.... is lifting.  And what, exactly, is lifting.  Doubt, I think.  Less care for how others NEED things to be, seem, look. Less caretaking for other's feelings.

My brother looked me point blank in the face and asked what about ME created all this drama.... with men.  He didn't have the answer... he wanted to know. Honestly.  It was apparent I was the problem, in his mind. That got me thinking. 

 I said I had my theories, which is true.  I felt I held a boundary with him.  No blathering on defending or deflecting blame.  I'm sure some of it's mine, but honest, and kind..... is perhaps interpreted as weakness I have to then manage and overcome.  It almost feels like men SEE women as things they're driven to herd and corral.... and that makes me feel sad for them.  How our culture trains them up.   Not fair or good or right for anyone, IME.   Maybe it's just reality I disagree with?  And here we are again.... me facing radical acceptance, or not. 

I'm glad it didn't ocur to me to defend, or explain or blather on trying to explain something I didn't want to discuss, truth be told.  More on another thread when I get to it. 

Shifting into curious observer mode more quickly/easily.  Noticing what's going on inside is happening without thinking.

Have to get ready for lunch now: )

Lighter






Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #119 on: February 28, 2020, 12:37:18 PM »
Thank you for the trust in me, Lighter, you are right - anything that affects benefits, has some sort of long term impact and/or is medically necessary I will always do.  But there is so much other guff and I'm sure a lot of it is just about some people needing to justify their paychecks.  A lot is completely unnecessary so I've just blown off those bits.  And to be honest if I had more time, money, support etc I probably would do them, but I have to prioritise and I'm doing that more and more now, so if it's surplus to requirements then I'm shelving it to do something else.  Yesterday would have been very stressful and tiring if we'd shoehorned a meeting in to the other things we needed to do.  As it was, we wandered into town, did our jobs, went home and ate home made brownies :)  It was very nice :)

Yes, percolate away.  I think the fact that bro's statement about you creating the drama not immediately making you think it's your fault is a good sign.  Yes, the 'drama' is being created by you - because you're refusing to put up with disrespectful, unhelpful behaviour and their response to that shows why you need to.  And there are some that don't like their flaws to be held up to the light.  Boundaries are a good way to sort the wheat from the chaff, as we all know.  I am looking forward to reading about your percolations, Lighter, and I'm glad you're home safe :) xx

I'm just adding this as I thought about it overnight - the use of the word 'drama' is telling.  I think it belittles your efforts to live your life as you see fit - which means not moulding yourself to every man around.  It makes your boundary setting and need to get on sound trite and unnecessary and I think that's why it prickled at me (I felt a nudge when I first read your post, Lighter, but I couldn't quite get at why.  But I think that's it - it's made me feel he's patronising you?  I'm not sure if patronising is the right word.  Hops will know how to say it! But you probably get what I mean anyway) xx
« Last Edit: February 29, 2020, 01:30:28 AM by Twoapenny »