What's New for 2020?

[Twoapenny]

I'm jotting down my observations as they come up and trying to just notice things and not attach blame or anything else to them.

A lot came up about my step-dad this week.  A few other things have niggled - doctor's form coming through, same doc hasn't sent me some information I requested but has found the time to send me stuff I didn't request.  Unnecessary meeting with college (and everything behind that), son's birthday - still waiting for responses from two people which is starting to cause him anxiety.  All of these kids have similar problems so it does bug me that other parents don't get on and deal with things when they know it might be causing one of the others problems.  No word from friends over half term - all waiting for me to visit them.  And so on.  It's been fine, none of these things are affecting me anywhere near as much as they have before and I'm just seeing them ping up and getting on with what I was doing anyway.  But I did wake up early hours of the morning and I could feel his weight crushing me.  A whole load of very intense physical flashbacks came then and it was very horrible and unpleasant.  I got up, made up my nest on the sofa and got in it and cried.  I'm going to ask T if we can work on all those physical things at the next session and I'm scheduling myself a week off afterwards because I think letting all of that lot out might have a big impact.

In other news - bumped into a friend yesterday who is one of the ones I've hardly seen since we moved down and who hasn't been very supportive of the horrible situation I was in last year.  She has cancer - second time for her and she's having chemo.

I've noticed that I've been able to detach myself from the situation and look at things objectively and just accept my feelings for what they are and not need to justify them to myself, which is good.  She's looking in to alternative treatments and general health and wellbeing type stuff and I offered to get information together for her.  We met up after lunch and talked.  I noticed how much freer some people are with talking very openly about their personal information in public spaces.  I would only feel comfortable talking about things like that indoors, with no-one else around, or very quietly in a public space, but even then I would be very selective about what I say.  She was nicer to my son than she was the last time we saw her.  Last time we visited her (and it's been one of the reasons I haven't been back over) she walked away from him mid sentence, as he was telling her about something.  He was absolutely crushed.  Things like that really upset him.  I realised this morning that I should have said something about that at the time.  I won't bring it up now as I don't feel it's appropriate given what else is going on but it made me make a little note to myself that I do need to be more willing to speak at the moment something happens, or very soon afterwards.  Things like that catch me out and my priority is always to protect son so I focus on him first, and then the moment passes.  So I will need to work on that.

I also woke up this morning feeling sad because I don't really feel like we are friends anymore.  Too much time has passed without any contact and I don't feel the connection that I used to.  I'll help her out, of course, but I just have an awareness again of being the one that helps, rather than the one that socialises or the one whose company is desired.  Not attaching any blame or reasoning to it, it's just how I feel and I'm acknowledging it and letting it go.

Weekend is here I've been making a list of nice things I want to do at home - sewing projects, photos I want to rearrange, furniture I want to upcycle and so on.  I'm planning on spending the weekend doing those jobs and will probably make more brownies as well (they were delicious, quick to make and they're good to put in your bag for a snack later in the day).  I really want to start enjoying my life again.  Thank you all for being there and listening, it means a lot xx

[Twoapenny]

Well, bombshell!  My sister called me this morning to let me know that our uncle had passed away.  We knew he was in a hospice so it wasn't unexpected but obviously very sad.  My sister had been informed by text, by our mother, who reported on (in this order) the coronavirus thing, her headache and then an oblique comment about it being a shame about uncle.  My sister had to reply to clarify whether he'd actually passed because it wasn't clear from the mention she'd tagged on to the end of her text and yes, he's passed away.

The main point of my sister's call, other than to let me know about him, was to tell me that she'd seen a psychiatrist recently, who felt she needed to start long term counseling to help her deal with her abusive childhood.  My sister was perplexed as she has never considered herself an abused child (I can remember feeling the same when my counselor started talking about my abusive childhood; I thought she'd muddled me up with someone else).  We have been on the phone for nearly two hours, having the most open and honest conversation that we've ever had.  She told me about how guilty she felt when we got back in contact and she started to realise how much of what my mum had told her about me wasn't true, and when she saw how my son's difficulties were genuine and not a figment of my imagination.  She's told me about some stuff that my mum's done to her that I didn't know about, and some of the things she's done to my sister's kids, all emotionally abusive stuff of the same kind that she's done to us, and how difficult she finds it to deal with that because the kids still want to see her.  She told me that, even after all these years of me not speaking to my mum, my mum mentions me every time she and my sister speak, whatever they might be talking about, and how that upsets her because when we were kids my mum favoured me over her and she knows she shouldn't feel upset about it but she still does (and I get that completely because I have the same thing about other situations).  I voiced for the first time that I knew mum favoured me over her when we were young and how wrong I thought it was and how much guilt I have had about that over the years and she told me how much she appreciated hearing that.  I also explained that I still find it hard not to do mum stuff - not to buy her a birthday gift or a mother's day card, and she said that's partly why she finds it hard to just disconnect from her - she's still her mum. She started to say something about step-dad and then stopped.  I didn't push her - if there is a revelation there she will come to it in her own time, when she's ready.

It was a proper, grown up conversation, probably the first we've ever had.  I told her how much therapy has helped me over the years and how she'll probably find a lot of stuff starts making sense as she works through it.  I've also said I'm happy to support her as things come up and if she wants to talk about stuff we can do that as needed.  We've both come off the phone sad about Uncle but happy about each other and I've honestly never felt like that before.  Phew.  My quiet weekend has suddenly changed in to a very full one, albeit in a very different way! xx

[lighter]

I'm jotting down my observations as they come up and trying to just notice things and not attach blame or anything else to them.  It feels like you're getting the very most from every second of T, Tupp.  Taking notes and planning ahead for sessions.  THIS is paying attention to your internal world..... this is what you're leaning and DOING.  YES.A lot came up about my step-dad this week.  A few other things have niggled - doctor's form coming through, same doc hasn't sent me some information I requested but has found the time to send me stuff I didn't request.  Unnecessary meeting with college (and everything behind that), son's birthday - still waiting for responses from two people which is starting to cause him anxiety.  All of these kids have similar problems so it does bug me that other parents don't get on and deal with things when they know it might be causing one of the others problems.  No word from friends over half term - all waiting for me to visit them.  And so on.  It's been fine, none of these things are affecting me anywhere near as much as they have before and I'm just seeing them ping up and getting on with what I was doing anyway.  But I did wake up early hours of the morning and I could feel his weight crushing me.  A whole load of very intense physical flashbacks came then and it was very horrible and unpleasant.  I got up, made up my nest on the sofa and got in it and cried.  I'm going to ask T if we can work on all those physical things at the next session and I'm scheduling myself a week off afterwards because I think letting all of that lot out might have a big impact.  I invite you to make a list of the horrible things that come up.... little sentences you can hand the T for next session so you get on with the session and not explaining what needs attention... maybe.  Not sure, but it seems you've identified the next issue.  Honestly, it feels like your T moves with economy of motion and gets to the issues without frittering any time away.

It's an amazing shift to understand leaning into the pain of our past leads to immediate lasting relief.  You're doing a splendid job with this, TUPP!

 

In other news - bumped into a friend yesterday who is one of the ones I've hardly seen since we moved down and who hasn't been very supportive of the horrible situation I was in last year.  She has cancer - second time for her and she's having chemo.  I'm sorry to read that, Tupp.

I've noticed that I've been able to detach myself from the situation and look at things objectively and just accept my feelings for what they are and not need to justify them to myself, which is good.  She's looking in to alternative treatments and general health and wellbeing type stuff and I offered to get information together for her.  We met up after lunch and talked.  I noticed how much freer some people are with talking very openly about their personal information in public spaces.  I would only feel comfortable talking about things like that indoors, with no-one else around, or very quietly in a public space, but even then I would be very selective about what I say.  She was nicer to my son than she was the last time we saw her.  Last time we visited her (and it's been one of the reasons I haven't been back over) she walked away from him mid sentence, as he was telling her about something.  He was absolutely crushed.  Things like that really upset him.  I realised this morning that I should have said something about that at the time.  I won't bring it up now as I don't feel it's appropriate given what else is going on but it made me make a little note to myself that I do need to be more willing to speak at the moment something happens, or very soon afterwards. I've noticed I can speak up with compassion and without anxiety some of the time, but not all of the time.  Sometimes it correlates with BIG stress happening without rumination.  Rumination seems to build reactivity or reactivity builds rumination?
 Staying out of the amygdala is likely the trick... I guess. Things like that catch me out and my priority is always to protect son so I focus on him first, and then the moment passes.  So I will need to work on that.  I can picture you handling that moment..... without drama or conflict.... something like...."You know, ds is telling you a story....  Lets allow him to finish before moving on."
Then you smile with expectation and compassion for everyone in the room.

I also woke up this morning feeling sad because I don't really feel like we are friends anymore.  Too much time has passed without any contact and I don't feel the connection that I used to.  I'll help her out, of course, but I just have an awareness again of being the one that helps, rather than the one that socialises or the one whose company is desired.  Not attaching any blame or reasoning to it, it's just how I feel and I'm acknowledging it and letting it go.  It's OK to be sad.  It's human to process loss and make peace with it.

Weekend is here I've been making a list of nice things I want to do at home - sewing projects, photos I want to rearrange, furniture I want to upcycle and so on.  I'm planning on spending the weekend doing those jobs and will probably make more brownies as well (they were delicious, quick to make and they're good to put in your bag for a snack later in the day). Brownies are comforting and lovely to share, IME.  I really want to start enjoying my life again.  Thank you all for being there and listening, it means a lot xx

It's amazing... and hard to believe sometimes, isn't it?  How different it is to look forward to life again.  To have joy and be excited about tomorrow... isn't it?

You're strong and smart and I can't wait to read about your creative projects: )  Is anything planned for the garden?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Lighter  ((((((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))))

I've said for years that I feel like one of those hedgehogs that you get at the funfair - the ones that stick their heads up through holes and you have to whack them with a hammer - WackAMole, they call it here (and I just realised as I wrote that that they must be moles, not hedgehogs, but I always thought they were hedgehogs so I'm sticking with that ).  But I felt like, whatever I did, however I did it, something just kept pushing me back down, stopping me from moving me forward, holding me under.  And that hasn't gone completely, but I definitely feel a lot more hopeful and optimistic.

I'm pottering today and it's nice not to have a timetable.  We need a few groceries but I can pop out to get those later and it's not much.  It's finally stopped raining so it won't be a battle through the weather, as it has been for weeks now.  I can go as soon as the shops open, or I can leave it until half an hour before they close.  It won't matter either way, and it's not stressing me about what time to go.  The internal chatter has all just died right down.  And that alone feels nice.

[Hopalong]

Tupp, I'm amazed and so happy for you about the honest sharing from your sister. Healing that relationship, if it continues, could heal a lot about the past.

It also sounds to me as though you took it on (her revelations) without taking it IN (making it your problem). And that is brilliant. So important.

Be aware of taking care of yourself, even while this unfolds....

Wow. Your life is like a blooming crocus. It's as though you had winter for years and real spring is arriving.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp, I'm amazed and so happy for you about the honest sharing from your sister. Healing that relationship, if it continues, could heal a lot about the past.

It also sounds to me as though you took it on (her revelations) without taking it IN (making it your problem). And that is brilliant. So important.

Be aware of taking care of yourself, even while this unfolds....

Wow. Your life is like a blooming crocus. It's as though you had winter for years and real spring is arriving.

hugs
Hops

Hops, you have hit all the nails on the head there!  That is exactly how I felt with her, and with the friend I saw who has cancer again.  I'm happy to help, but I genuinely don't feel like I have to rush in there and fix everything for everyone (and then get upset when they don't follow my suggestions or don't reciprocate next time I need help).  I feel like I can help without taking it on as my own personal responsibility.  I did say to my sis that I'm happy to talk things through with her but that I'm still working on my own issues so there might be days when I'm not up to doing it, and if that was the case I'd just tell her straight "I can't deal with this today" and it's about me, not her (as in, she's not done something wrong, I'm just not able to do it there and then).  I felt fine saying it and she said of course, no problem, I wouldn't expect you to be constantly available anyway.  I do feel tired today, I must admit, I think talking about my step-dad again has stirred a few things up.  But I am taking care of myself (currently sitting on sofa with son, feet up, letting dinner go down).  She sent me a text my mum has sent her and it's classic mum - she's created a drama out of nothing and is now portraying herself as the victim and no-one has a clue why as there wasn't a problem to start with.  It's incredibly confusing when you're on the receiving end of that.  It's like trying to catch air.  So I said "just say, it wasn't a problem mum, yes, sunny here as well, enjoy the afternoon" and don't be drawn in to anything and leave it there.  It didn't trigger me and I don't feel a sense of frustration if she doesn't follow the advice.  I can withdraw at any time and that feels perfectly comfortable.  Yes!  I am a crocus!  I've even got my flowery trousers on today   Lol.  Hope all is well with you xx xx

[lighter]

Well done, Tupp! 

Life is easier when co-dependant habits drop away.  So much nicer to offer help, when it's asked for.  Nice to pitch in IF we have time and energy and not out of reactivity and need to fix things for other people.  To help without sacrificing or needing a certain outcome.  Nice: )

I like reading about you relaxing into your life, without worry.... trusting you'll do what needs doing when you get to it.  I notice that in my life too.

I danced in the kitchen and sang LOW with youngest dd today.  Even though we have tons of laundry and cleaning to do.... there's time for joy, and honestly... joy is an imperative.  Cleaning is..... necessary. 

Apple Bottom jeans... boots with the fur... the whole club was looking at her... she hit the floor... next thing you know, Shorty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low....
SO MUCH FUN!

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Well done, Tupp! 

Life is easier when co-dependant habits drop away.  So much nicer to offer help, when it's asked for.  Nice to pitch in IF we have time and energy and not out of reactivity and need to fix things for other people.  To help without sacrificing or needing a certain outcome.  Nice: )

I like reading about you relaxing into your life, without worry.... trusting you'll do what needs doing when you get to it.  I notice that in my life too.

I danced in the kitchen and sang LOW with youngest dd today.  Even though we have tons of laundry and cleaning to do.... there's time for joy, and honestly... joy is an imperative.  Cleaning is..... necessary. 

Apple Bottom jeans... boots with the fur... the whole club was looking at her... she hit the floor... next thing you know, Shorty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low....
SO MUCH FUN!

Lighter

Ha ha, Lighter, my son loves that one too, nothing like a bit of singing and dancing!

Yes, I'm definitely not at optimum level yet but the difference just over a few weeks is amazing.  And when I spoke to sis earlier she said mum has been texting her and she's just ignored her, which is a change for her.  Usually there would be umpteen messages going back and forth and then it would be all over Facebook and so on.  But she's just said no and that's that.

For me today, I've been very productive!  Did yoga first thing, washing is out on the line, dinner is prepped for later on (we're off to cinema tonight).  Son is back to college tomorrow (boo!) but have had one more yes to his birthday dinner and one of the other mums might stay as her daughter is anxious about new places and she sounds nice so I might get some company!  And I have sat at my desk for a couple of hours just catching up on stuff - emails, phone calls, bills that need paying, things that needed chasing up, dates to double check and so on.  Just about done now so I've a bit of time to tidy up before dinner and then I think I might put my feet up for a bit before we go out   It's a nice, nice day.  I want more like this xx

[lighter]

Oh, Tupp.... I believe you'll have many more days like this.

You're puzzling out the code for your life.
I don't think you'll ever go back to the way things were.  You're growing and changing.... there's an amazing upward trajectory of understanding....
 shedding reactivity.  Recognizing reactivity. 

Sure, negative stuff's going to pop up every once and again, but that's just something asking for attention.  You're learning how to tend to yourself with a T and on your own. 

There's just no way you'll go backward, IME.   

::nodding::.

I'm stopping for a moment to celebrate what you've achieved in this short time, Tupp. 

Really....
fantastik work.

::clapping happily for sister Tupp!::.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Oh, Tupp.... I believe you'll have many more days like this.

You're puzzling out the code for your life.
I don't think you'll ever go back to the way things were.  You're growing and changing.... there's an amazing upward trajectory of understanding....
 shedding reactivity.  Recognizing reactivity. 

Sure, negative stuff's going to pop up every once and again, but that's just something asking for attention.  You're learning how to tend to yourself with a T and on your own. 

There's just no way you'll go backward, IME.   

::nodding::.

I'm stopping for a moment to celebrate what you've achieved in this short time, Tupp. 

Really....
fantastik work.

::clapping happily for sister Tupp!::.

Lighter

Ah, thanks, Lighter   You would be smiling if you could see my desk right now   It is clean and clutter free.  My supplies are tidy and ordered.  There's a pile of paper waiting to be shredded tomorrow and when we got home tonight and I walked in to my clean desk and the smell of jasmine from the incense I was burning earlier I smiled to myself.  And now I'm imagining what it will feel like to walk in one day and see a clear space where those 36 box files are currently sitting.  Definitely a clean and clear out in the offing.  It feels nice! xx

[Twoapenny]

Hello my lovely friends, well, this week is not going quite so well.  The sexual abuse stuff is coming up thick and fast and my T is away at the moment, back next week (appointment already booked).  My anxiety has been high due to son going back to college (he's been in one day and is already exhausted) and trying to sort out his birthday has been stressful and busy.  My uncle passed as I mentioned and I'm not able to go to the funeral as mum and step-dad will be there.  This has made me feel sad as it's another way my mum's tentacles still control aspects of my life but I'll go and visit my aunty another time; I have explained it to her and she understands.  I've run out of my cannabis oil which had been helping a lot; it's a few weeks now since I had some and I am really feeling the difference, plus I am pre-menstrual so that usual things are going on there.  All in all it's been a difficult few days but I am just putting one foot in front of the other and keeping on moving.  I had a feeling my mum was going to get in touch and I was right.  She has sent my son a birthday card which I've opened (he doesn't know and I won't be showing it to him).  It's an endlessly gushing card about what a wonderful grandson he is and in it she's enclosed a photograph of her favourite photo of him, a photo of a star that someone has bought him (she doesn't say who, of course) and has written him a letter where she talks about how much she loves and missed him, talks to his photo every day and that she has photo albums of him from when he was little which she will give to me if I arrange for someone to collect them and if not, she will give them to his Dad.  It is just full of little digs at me and this is how she manipulates - who gave her my address (again?).  Why is she in contact with my son's dad when I (and he) are not?  Who bought him a star and gave it to her?  And so on.  It's not that I care - I really don't anymore, they can all coexist in their mad little cesspit and carry on being arseholes - it's just that I can see the way her mind works and how she gaslights and triangulates and deceives people, herself included.  My sister spoke to her yesterday about the huge drama that blew up over the weekend between them (my mum's brother in law has died so of course all attention has to be on mum, she can't have anyone focus too much on his widow).  My sister left it for a couple of days and then tried to talk to my mum and she said she just shape shifts.  She denies saying or doing anything and then when presented with other people who heard her say it claims they misheard or they're lying.  Once she sees she can't convince anyone of anything else she goes in to victim mode and it's all about how awful everyone is to her, how she'd be better off never speaking because everyone misunderstands her and she always seems to put her foot in it and so on.  I do find myself wondering again if she might be autistic (as I wonder the same thing about myself as well) but that aside, I think there is still a lot of other stuff going on there (the kind of deceit and gaslighting that goes on is so much more than misunderstanding conversation or misreading body language, for example).  She really is just batty.

I am trying to ignore but I can feel it rising up in my chest and I wonder, again, why on earth she keeps doing this, but more than that, why other people keep feeding her and helping her do it.  I'm just going to get on with my day but honestly, my lovely friends, right now I feel like I want to be sitting on a tropical beach with my son with no phone, no internet and no way on or off the beach so that she just can't bloody get to us.  Stupid, silly, pointless woman.  I am deep breathing and carrying on with getting things ready for tomorrow xx

[lighter]

Hello my lovely friends, well, this week is not going quite so well.  The sexual abuse stuff is coming up thick and fast and my T is away at the moment, back next week (appointment already booked).  My anxiety has been high due to son going back to college (he's been in one day and is already exhausted) and trying to sort out his birthday has been stressful and busy.  My uncle passed as I mentioned and I'm not able to go to the funeral as mum and step-dad will be there.  This has made me feel sad as it's another way my mum's tentacles still control aspects of my life but I'll go and visit my aunty another time;Yes, you will.  And you can write a letter to your Uncle, or make a collage and build a fire and the Amazons will meet you there and help you grieve and find closure with your Uncle.  Whatever you need to do, you can do without going to the service.  I have explained it to her and she understands. I'm sure that feels comforting for you both. I've run out of my cannabis oil which had been helping a lot; it's a few weeks now since I had some and I am really feeling the difference, plus I am pre-menstrual so that usual things are going on there.  All in all it's been a difficult few days but I am just putting one foot in front of the other and keeping on moving. How do you get more oil? I had a feeling my mum was going to get in touch and I was right.  She has sent my son a birthday card which I've opened (he doesn't know and I won't be showing it to him).  It's an endlessly gushing card about what a wonderful grandson he is and in it she's enclosed a photograph of her favourite photo of him, a photo of a star that someone has bought him (she doesn't say who, of course) and has written him a letter where she talks about how much she loves and missed him, talks to his photo Holy F. every day and that she has photo albums of him from when he was little which she will give to me if I arrange for someone to collect them and if not, she will give them to his Dad. Crazy wench. It is just full of little digs at me and this is how she manipulates - who gave her my address (again?).  I've found it's really difficult to stay off the grid, Tupp.  Maybe she found you on the internet somehow.  Through one of the . employees in an agency with that information?  And... does it matter at this point how, or if she has it?  I'm posing that question seriously.Why is she in contact with my son's dad when I (and he) are not? Because she has very little ways to reach out and touch you now, Tupp.  That man is one way and as you can tell.... she's got your attention. Who bought him a star and gave it to her?  And so on.  It's not that I care - I really don't anymore, they can all coexist in their mad little cesspit and carry on being arseholes And they will.- it's just that I can see the way her mind works and how she gaslights and triangulates and deceives people, herself included. Some things never change, unfortunately.  But they will end. My sister spoke to her yesterday about the huge drama that blew up over the weekend between them (my mum's brother in law has died so of course all attention has to be on mum, she can't have anyone focus too much on his widow).  My sister left it for a couple of days and then tried to talk to my mum and she said she just shape shifts.  She denies saying or doing anything and then when presented with other people who heard her say it claims they misheard or they're lying.  Once she sees she can't convince anyone of anything else she goes in to victim mode and it's all about how awful everyone is to her, how she'd be better off never speaking because everyone misunderstands her and she always seems to put her foot in it and so on. That seems to be catching up to her now. I do find myself wondering again if she might be autistic (as I wonder the same thing about myself as well) but that aside, I think there is still a lot of other stuff going on there (the kind of deceit and gaslighting that goes on is so much more than misunderstanding conversation or misreading body language, for example).  She really is just batty.  Yup.

I am trying to ignore but I can feel it rising up in my chest and I wonder, again, why on earth she keeps doing this, but more than that, why other people keep feeding her and helping her do it. That's the more frustrating question, IMO too. Disordered people do disordered things, bc they're disordered.
 The enablers have more complicated reasons, IME and we won't figure either out, IME.  Getting to the point where we don't need or want to figure it out is a relief of grand proportions, IME. I'm just going to get on with my day but honestly, my lovely friends, right now I feel like I want to be sitting on a tropical beach with my son with no phone, no internet and no way on or off the beach so that she just can't bloody get to us.  I think you're on your beach now, Tupp. I think you have the power to find your beach if you lose it.  Your family sometimes walks onto your beach, but I think you have the power to limit or barr them permanently when it's time. Stupid, silly, pointless woman.  I am deep breathing and carrying on with getting things ready for tomorrow xx  you're doing such a great job of noticing this stuff as it comes up and naming it.  Your mother's been in contact with son's f before.  I think it speaks to her inability to reach you in other ways.  I think these are her final negative gasps in your life and inner world... considering the work you're doing and material you're working through with new T.

Keep breathing, ((Tupp))  I'm looking forward to update after next T appointment, should you choose to share: )
  Lighter 

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Lighter, do you know what, I think it's alright.  I was worried it was going to start spiraling and getting all through my head but I picked son up from college, we walked back into town and caught the bus home, chatted about his day and he's so excited about his birthday tomorrow   I checked out everything I bought him and I'm going to wrap it when he's in the bath later.  I've got some decorations that I'll put up in the morning before he gets up.  We've got two cakes, one for college, one for home and he's got his pizza night tomorrow which should be really good fun.  He's had a lot of cards through the post (from nice people!), I've had several people phone or message today to wish him Happy Birthday and two friends messaged to tell me they've put money in his savings account for him.  Dinner's cooking, I'm enjoying the book I'm reading and I'm looking forward to an early night so that I can get up early tomorrow.  All the good bits seem to have just pushed her and her madness away, which is good.  I've a feeling the person giving her my address is my aunty (not the one whose husband just died, the other one).  I'm very careful about what goes on the internet; we're not in the phone directory or on the public electoral roll (you can register to vote but keep your address private so we do that).  I do a search on myself every now and again and nothing comes up after about 2005 but, it doesn't matter anyway, there are just people you need to have in your life and people that you don't and she definitely falls in to that category.  I am just soooo glad that I reached out for help all those years ago and that I've done this work.  I've connected with you guys, I've connected with myself, I've worked on myself and I keep working to keep myself healthy and well.  I won't ever be like her and that makes me happy.

[Twoapenny]

I've tried very hard to keep my mum out of my head today and I've managed it fairly well, although she's in there a bit.  I think the thing that bothers me (and hurts me) is that she only ever reaches out to hurt.  She's never, ever, reached out to try to talk, understand, make peace, reach and agreement or anything else like that.  She'll go to huge lengths to cause problems, but never to try to solve them.  It does make me physically ill - I feel like I've been run over today.  But I'm trying to ignore it.

He's having a lovely birthday   He liked his presents, he loves his phone, they had cake at college and we're going out for pizza with his friends tonight.  It's freezing cold but it's dry and we're at home now with the heating on.  I think I'm going to try to get a little nap in before we go out xx

[Hopalong]

((((Tuppp))))))
I thought I had posted this reply to you yesterday, dunno what happened. Two facts popped up for me from your earlier post:

I can see the way her mind works and how she gaslights and triangulates and deceives people, herself included.

Yes. That is just so clear, and has been for so long. It's who she is, you are no longer yearning for her to be something else, because you've accepted this reality. And, you're no longer welcoming it into your mind or heart or home. Annoying to get a card periodically, but you can quickly dispose of it. And she's getting too old to intimidate with visits, imo. You really have moved into a new chapter, Tupp, don't forget.

AND

My sister spoke to her yesterday about the huge drama[....]

Though it may be healing and wonderful to have understanding and new connection with your sister, Tupp, I hope you'll forgive some unsolicited advice just now. I think this is a really important juncture for you. What you might consider if you're open to doing this is reminding yourself that despite loving your sister and being glad you've reconnected, your ongoing commitment to your own well-being is going to mean boundaries with her, too. She will be full of need to express HER stuff about your mum. But that's HER work on HER timetable. You are way way way farther along and don't need to go back to square one.

My point is, here's a great opportunity to practice simple assertiveness. No anger or fear needed, just that you could practice assertive statements with sis, because it's good for you to remember you are not a human sponge. Even though it feels natural in a moment to absorb a lot of mum-info...in fact it does still impact you if there's too much of it. That's all I'm saying. Not a phobic never-speak-her-name thing, but just....Tupp to self: how much of this is good for me to do today, kind of thing.

Statements such as:
"I'm glad you called, it means a lot to me that we talk. I'm just up for about 10-minutes of Mum-stuff today though."

"I understand, you know I do. But that's it for me on Mum for this time. How is [something else in Sis' life] going?"

OR...

"Hey, it's good to hear your voice! But today I'm not into talking about Mum. Let's catch up about [whatever] though....blah and blah."

"Been thinking of you and hope things are going better. Have a few minutes?"

These are not brilliant "scripts" (those links I plonked somewhere a day or two ago, with assertiveness techniques, are full of ideas)...but the gist is, YOU can stay aware of how much detail about your Mum you want to take in at any given moment. You can take care of yourself in that moment without forgetting it. It's okay to do that, in fact it's wise to.

Still celebrate the healing potential of connecting with your sister. I just hope you'll hang on to the boundaries and assertiveness tools as simple self protection, because you deserve to continue your healing work with the T while not upending it during contacts with your sister. And those contacts with sis are a great opportunity to experience how you can do it. If you find you can't, you have that right, too.

I believe you can do this. It's really just a dance of self-care, self-love. Nobody else has to approve of it and your sis doesn't have to fully understand it either. When assertiveness becomes natural and calm (it's never about anger, as that's just fear) and routine...it's just a serene new way of taking care of ourselves and interacting with others. And this could be a great opportunity to practice it. Or so it sounds so far to me.

I'm happy for you, Tupp.

Hugs
Hops