((((Tuppp))))))
I thought I had posted this reply to you yesterday, dunno what happened. Two facts popped up for me from your earlier post:
I can see the way her mind works and how she gaslights and triangulates and deceives people, herself included.
Yes. That is just so clear, and has been for so long. It's who she is, you are no longer yearning for her to be something else, because you've accepted this reality. And, you're no longer welcoming it into your mind or heart or home. Annoying to get a card periodically, but you can quickly dispose of it. And she's getting too old to intimidate with visits, imo. You really have moved into a new chapter, Tupp, don't forget.
AND
My sister spoke to her yesterday about the huge drama[....]
Though it may be healing and wonderful to have understanding and new connection with your sister, Tupp, I hope you'll forgive some unsolicited advice just now. I think this is a really important juncture for you. What you might consider if you're open to doing this is reminding yourself that despite loving your sister and being glad you've reconnected, your ongoing commitment to your own well-being is going to mean boundaries with her, too. She will be full of need to express HER stuff about your mum. But that's HER work on HER timetable. You are way way way farther along and don't need to go back to square one.
My point is, here's a great opportunity to practice simple assertiveness. No anger or fear needed, just that you could practice assertive statements with sis, because it's good for you to remember you are not a human sponge. Even though it feels natural in a moment to absorb a lot of mum-info...in fact it does still impact you if there's too much of it. That's all I'm saying. Not a phobic never-speak-her-name thing, but just....Tupp to self: h
ow much of this is good for me to do today, kind of thing.
Statements such as:
"I'm glad you called, it means a lot to me that we talk. I'm just up for about 10-minutes of Mum-stuff today though."
"I understand, you know I do. But that's it for me on Mum for this time. How is [something else in Sis' life] going?"
OR...
"Hey, it's good to hear your voice! But today I'm not into talking about Mum. Let's catch up about [whatever] though....blah and blah."
"Been thinking of you and hope things are going better. Have a few minutes?"
These are not brilliant "scripts" (those links I plonked somewhere a day or two ago, with assertiveness techniques, are full of ideas)...but the gist is, YOU can stay aware of how much detail about your Mum you want to take in at any given moment. You can
take care of yourself in that moment without forgetting it. It's okay to do that, in fact it's wise to.
Still celebrate the healing potential of connecting with your sister. I just hope you'll hang on to the boundaries and assertiveness tools as simple self protection, because you
deserve to continue your healing work with the T while not upending it during contacts with your sister. And those contacts with sis are a great opportunity to experience how you can do it. If you find you can't, you have that right, too.
I believe you can do this. It's really just a dance of self-care, self-love. Nobody else has to approve of it and your sis doesn't have to fully understand it either. When assertiveness becomes natural and calm (it's never about anger, as that's just fear) and
routine...it's just a serene new way of taking care of ourselves and interacting with others. And this could be a great opportunity to practice it. Or so it sounds so far to me.
I'm happy for you, Tupp.
Hugs
Hops