Author Topic: What's New for 2020?  (Read 10064 times)

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #525 on: July 19, 2020, 01:51:32 PM »
WOW.

Talk about creativity and adaptation!

That was a verrrrrrry happy read, Tupp.

Good going.

No matter how small, you're working with the universe you're in, and claiming the possibility of good things happening.

Kudos!

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #526 on: July 20, 2020, 03:03:32 AM »
Thanks, Hops.  It is amazing the difference a little bit more space can make.  The design of the house frustrates me, because they could easily have built a porch to the front instead of the pointless little bit of garden between the house and the path, and built the house bigger to the back and lost a couple of feet from the back garden.  A front porch across the house would give you loads of storage for boots and bags and all that clutter (currently all housed in the sitting room with heavy winter stuff upstairs in the cupboard) and an extra couple of feet to the rear would have made a huge difference to this inside space but still left enough space out back for a table and chairs and a bit of grass.  I've no idea why they design places like this.  I will be much more careful next time!

Anyway, this week is the busiest we've had in months!  Socially distanced coffee twice this week.  The plumber is coming at some point to do the gas safety check.  I'm walking to town in the morning to collect son's prescription and having a parcel collected on Wednesday - the delivery guy is really sweet and always bangs on the window to check we're okay.  And the little girl who comes to visit has a birthday today so I've bought her a little gift.  She doesn't know but she said she's coming round after school (she's been telling me it's her birthday coming up for a month) so I think she'll be pleased she's got a present.  She's very cute and cheats at Snakes and Ladders.  Lol.  So anyway, it's a busy kind of week, I am liking having little things to do, albeit socially distanced and quite brief.  It will probably wear me out as I'm not used to it.  My friend called yesterday; they've been out twice this last week for the first time in months and her son, who also has disabilities, has told it's far too much and he's not going out any more.  Lol.

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #527 on: July 21, 2020, 04:59:49 AM »
Hops I'm responding to your post about mad axe murders here so that I don't derail G's conversation thread :)  Although I have to say that I've always been morbidly fascinated by the minds of murderers so a get together with a mad axe murderer might be interesting, as long as they don't bring their axe with them.

Yes you are right about advising yourself well - I think we all tend to be better at giving other people advice than we are at advising ourselves.  I think I'm going to have to experiment a bit and monitor myself to get an idea of what works for me.  I slept really badly last night and feel terrible today, even though I went to bed feeling happy and like I'd had a good day.  I've woken up with the sniffles as well, which I often do when I'm overwhelmed.  I think I need to monitor whether it's anxiety, poor beverage choices (coffee and not enough water while sitting outside), maybe just the fact I'm not used to going out now after so much time at home.  And whether it's conversation choices as well.  I do feel that I'm less tolerant these days than I used to be.  I don't feel keen to listen to someone talking about an opposing point of view or a topic I'm not interested in.  I might have to work on that a bit.  I did feel myself react to something that was said yesterday and then felt bad for labouring my point.  I could have just let it go and talked about something different or said something non committal like, "oh, I see" and just moved on.  Might need to practise that a bit more.

I think part of the problem is that I've just lost the art of conversation.  I've spent so much time just talking with son and talking in a way that encourages his interests and helps him with conversation that perhaps I've just forgotten what it's like to chit chat about nothing much in particular and not to feel the need to be an expert on every topic?  That was something I noticed yesterday, feeling like I need to know it all.  Which of course I don't, I'm not sure why that's popped up.  I also noticed that my focus is still very much on other people, whatever situation I am in.  It's very rarely about me or how I feel and I need to focus on that a bit - getting the balance right.  I feel like I need to teach myself how to be around people.  I'm seeing another friend this week, nice lady, again for coffee in the garden so I think I'll try to be a bit more self aware this time and just see if I can lessen the anxieties a bit and not feel quite so tense.

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #528 on: July 21, 2020, 10:00:38 AM »
Aww ((((Tupp)))), I'm sorry you're not feeling so hot today.

I likely overdid the self-advice fantasy. You are so right; you are the person who has to experiment and work out which approaches are helpful for you. I'll just share more stuff, based on what my experience was (which isn't the same as yours).

I remember how hard it was to be deeply anxious for a very long time.

I think I fought back mostly by reciting stuff to myself, affirmations style. Clumsy meditating. Or even prayer, which makes little sense for an agnostic non-theist.
I was surprised that one old favorite line popped into my head this morning
(I'm working through separation anxiety, I think):

This is the day which the Lord hath made;
I will rejoice and be glad in it.


(I distinctly remember using that phrase a LOT to myself in my 20s and 30s, before I'd lost my formerly-fairly-mystical faith). What would happen in my head would be a big emphasis on the word "this", and thinking: it is what it is, it is right now, it is this--not another day, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but this day. (I never thought about "Lord" but just "this is the day" and, glad is how I want to feel about it.)

I think it was just an old-school version of how
I translated it for myself later:

Reality is my friend.

Maybe one part of the art of conversation is just accepting: "This what she's talking about."

Or accepting: "I'm feeling a little bored" -- and sitting with it, meditation style. Letting it float through you even while you sit among others. Or "a little irritated." Just observing the feeling and not judging anybody -- them or yourself. Just, oh hello, it's a feeling -- here you come, that feeling, and there you go, kind of thing.

Please take this as a nostalgic ramble through the memories of my own worst anxiety periods, not really advice.

You really do have a point about interesting axe murderers -- is that why in dark times I turn to crime stories? I think it's because the universe deals with whatever happens one way or another, and I'm safe observing.

Maybe if you belabour your point now and then it's just a mild Aspie thing. I wonder what would happen if you just shared that with some nice person on occasion? "Don't think I've mentioned it but I'm mildly Asperger's so you might hear me go on a lot about a topic now and then. We do that sometimes. If you catch it, feel free to say: XXX XXXX XXXX. It's helpful!"

What would that be like? IF it were a good idea, what would the XXXs represent? I've always felt kind of honored and trusted when someone with a difference simply shares who they are. Not all, but most people respond well to that, imo. It's like you're also saying in another way: You seem like a person who is decent and trustworthy.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #529 on: July 22, 2020, 10:50:25 AM »
Thanks, Hops, it's all useful advice!  I'm going to try out different things and see what helps (one thing at a time so that I know what was useful!  I've done it before where I've tried ten things and then realised I couldn't tell what helped and what didn't).

I'm seeing someone for coffee tomorrow and I don't feel anxious, funnily enough.  I don't know if she just doesn't make me feel anxious or if it's because we've been out of the house now and that anxiety's gone.  We'll see.  I was thinking about it all today and I did realise that I've had to be on the defensive my entire life.  I've never really just relaxed and been myself.  Family were hyper critical and very much about conflict.  Everything was adversarial.  My sister and I used to fight constantly when we were kids and my mum used to row with me even when I agreed with her.  At school and later on college I wanted to be liked so I used to try to just be or say whatever I thought everyone else wanted.  That didn't really go away as I got older; I was always very concerned with being 'nice'.  And then all the years since son came along has been advocating or defending on his behalf, sometimes both at the same time.  So I realised that I am so used to trying to shape the conversation or put myself across in a certain way that I don't really just sit and enjoy the chat for what it is.  I always feel judged?  Even when I'm with people who aren't judging me.  So I think I need to just focus on that tomorrow and just try to enjoy the chat and quiet down any 'other' sort of chatter that's going on in my head.  They have got a cute puppy to play with so that will help :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #530 on: July 23, 2020, 08:30:39 AM »
I've worked it out.  I just like quiet and calm.  We've been out this morning and they are very nice people, lovely lady, sweet kids, very cute dog.  But the general noise and hubbub - all of it perfectly normal - is too much for me and definitely too much for son.  I felt myself getting very tired and my brain started to shut down, which in turn makes it harder to make conversation and concentrate on what's being said.  I'm finding it easier to isolate things because we're doing so much less now.  I'd decided in advance what time to leave so we stuck to that and I was just very glad to get home and put my feet up.  And I realised I need to put my feet up after something like that, I do need the time to recharge.

I think we perhaps need a change of pace.  Son is an adult now so we don't need to do 'mum and child during the day' type stuff.  We can work during the day (on whatever it is we're doing) and socialise evenings and weekends, like regular people.  Once things get back to 'normal' I can sort out carers and either they can stay in with son so I go out or someone can take him out if there's something he wants to do.  But I think we both just need quiet.

I'm also rethinking the moving idea again.  I'm aware that we could move and just end up being unhappy and stuck somewhere else.  So I'm thinking over one of my old plans again now, to buy a campervan so we have a home from home and to use that to explore places and get to know people.  I feel like I really need to find my tribe.  I'd like a real life version of you guys, or as near to that as I can manage.  Don't need to live near them necessarily, but I'd like to have more people I'm in regular contact with, even if it's work related rather than friendships.  I'm keen to start earning money again now and I think I need to focus on that more now.  And then once we've met some people, or found a good workplace, or even met a nice man, we can think about moving then.  Just another idea at the moment but I'm going to give it some more thought and ponder our options.  Very grateful to have you guys here to bounce all of this off of! xx

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #531 on: July 23, 2020, 06:48:10 PM »
Tupp:

Do things get easier.... do you find clarity in identifying the bits and pieces of what you want more, and less, of?

I spoke to my T today about people, in general, and men specifically.  She doesn't think I want a man in my life.  She knows I don't need one.  We laughed about the silly journey I've been on... and about the word NO.

About skipping the dancing around feelings, which aren't our job to manage anyway.
It's funny how the old neurons still fire, and have to be pointed out to us, so we can SEE them, and KNOW they no longer rule us... and never will again if we pay attention. 

I want to say....
it's stomach flipping joy to realize one doesn't have to put up with anything anymore.  We can say NO to each and every silly person, and not let them in, or we can let them in then show them out.  It's not rocket science. It's not about judging them. 

It's about discerning what's personally right, as priority, then making decisions and not second guessing, or getting snagged into second guessing the choices, IMO. 

I wish it would just rain, already.  The thunder and dark clouds have been threatening all day.

Does it feel different to KNOW you don't have to put up with any foolishness, from man or woman, at this point in your life?

I feel like I can see very clearly how I made past mistakes.... and many times the SAME mistakes, over and over again and KNOW I don't ever have to do that again. 

I have a lovely relationship to base what any future relationship would look like. I feel calmed and soothed by the fact I have the final say in my life.  I don't have to let others influence me, much less pressure me into anything. 
 

Knowing that is truly soothing. 

Here comes the rain.

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #532 on: July 25, 2020, 01:45:44 PM »
Ooh, LIghter, sooooo much easier!  The headspace that's come from the lockdown and just the general lack of stress and interaction has been such a revelation.  Being generally calm enough to notice what causes which feelings is different for me.  There's usually so much hustle and bustle that it's difficult to pull the different strands apart and work out what caused the problem.  And so easy to attribute everything to stress, tiredness, hormones and so on.  But now I'm feeling like the feelings are signs something isn't sitting right with me.  The mum and child get togethers aren't my thing any more.  And it does feel better to acknowledge it's not my thing and not feel obliged to visit people or agree to daytime coffee, or to sit endlessly listening to other people talking.  Son and I can move into a new chapter now.  I'm feeling excited about buying a campervan and trying different things up - can we run a little stall at a market, could we help out people at festivals, could we house sit for people, look after pets, visit folk who can't get out or take them on little day trips.  Different ideas and none of the pressure now.  We can try something, without making a big commitment, and if it works, do it again and if it doesn't, don't.  So simple but for so long so unachievable.  I've just been too exhausted to cope with anything going wrong and now I'm not!

And definitely yes to the boundaries and being fussy about who you spend time with, saying your piece, not tiptoeing around people, knowing when to walk away.  All of those things.  Hopsie's masterclass in speaking your truth and being so honest with your (potential) partner has really given me hope that I could do those things, instead of molding myself to fit someone else's need.  I do feel like I'm ready for a relationship now, and I feel that I'm ready for a healthy relationship.  I've never had one before and for a long time didn't feel I could be me around anyone else.  But now I feel like I could be myself and if that isn't right for someone else, I'll be okay if they walk.  And if something about them isn't okay, I can walk.  It feels like it's possible and it hasn't done for so long.  I feel comfortable about things taking time, and about them not happening.  Or not happening the way I wanted them to.  That's very new for me.  We've got rain as well!  Lol xx 

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #533 on: July 25, 2020, 02:24:44 PM »
Awww, Tupp. I'm so happy.
My endless "script writing for other people" has paid off for a favorite person!

It does occur to me that while hoping for a new relationship to come about when it can, you might view interactions with women, in any setting, as good opportunities to practice that very thing.

Saying who you are. Saying how you know yourself. Saying how you tend to process info, etc.

I'm glad you won't subject yourself to tedious interactions that don't appeal. But still hope you'll take on whatever social (even friends, casual new acquaintances) opportunities you come across and are feeling up for...as good and valuable PRACTICE.

Once we can tell the truth in ANY setting, we can tell it in the most important settings (relationships that are key in our lives).

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #534 on: July 26, 2020, 01:17:31 PM »
Thanks, Hops, all very true!  I think I've lost my way socially, because for such a long time I've only had opportunities to mingle with limited numbers of people in limited circumstances (usually mum and child/carer/disability type groups).  And we're all in the same boat - knackered, with nothing but kids and/or disability to talk about.  But I think that then becomes familiar and you do end up doing things just because that's what you normally do.  So I'm looking to try to meet a wider range of people who have some of the same interests that I do and yes, practise just being human again and interacting with people.

I'm noticing that I'm much more interested in other people than I used to be, in their stories and their background, and far less interested in what I want to say about anything (or to talk about my own background).  I'm wondering if that's a sign of healing?  That I don't feel as much of a concern about how I'm coming across or what people think about me - I'm more interested in finding out more about them.  Not sure.  It's a change, anyway.  I am feeling an increasing sense of freedom from 'how we've done things in the past'.  I feel keener to find out what the future holds rather than trying to dictate or control it?  That's a new one for me.  I usually feel like I need a plan to work to.  Now I feel more like we'll just try some stuff out and see what happens.  Feels like good changes coming :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #535 on: July 26, 2020, 02:03:45 PM »
Tupp,
I think it's FANTASTIC that you are experiencing more interest in and curiosity about other individuals.

Huge, huge sign of healing and growth, imo. You have learned SO much about yourself it's as though your psyche, which was in pure self-defense mode for so long, is now feeling more free to show its natural yearning for other humans, for understanding, for connection through stories.

That's less-threatened behavior. That's less anxious. That's your imaginative and curious mind having permission to ENJOY humans more. Increased safety does that!

I was really happy to read this. What a wonderful thing.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #536 on: July 26, 2020, 02:32:08 PM »
Thanks, Hops :)  It does feel like a healthier state of mind than my usual one.  I'm very glad of it.  I was thinking today about growing up in a fearful environment, whatever the reason might be, and how it shifts your perception of normal to a different place to other people's.  The world has always been a scary place for me, usually giving many opportunities to be hurt, belittled, ignored, ridiculed and so on.  Not just in childhood but in adult life as well.  It's just not feeling like that at the moment.  I'm watching old video footage of a festival I took son to when he was younger.  We had to come home early as he couldn't cope with the camping and the festival toilets, but he's up for trying it again in a van.  That's a big thing for him; usually a bad experience means he won't do something again but he's up for it on the promise that he doesn't have to pee in a compost toilet that three hundred people have already used :)  Ha, can't blame him really.  I'm enjoying being able to think about and plan stuff even if we can't get out and do much yet xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #537 on: July 28, 2020, 09:59:25 AM »
Guys - I think I'm happy?  I'm not entirely sure - it's not a state I'm used to so I might be mislabeling.  But I just feel 'fine'.  Relaxed, content, thinking about future plans but it doesn't feel desperate?  I don't feel like I have to get out of this situation right now or I'm not going to make it, which is how I've felt for a long time now.  I'm pottering about but like the fact I can have a rest if I want to and it doesn't matter.  I like getting up to a tidy house in the morning because I had enough energy to tidy up before I went to bed the night before.  I don't feel endless concern about son; he's fine and that's okay.  I'm not sure if the lockdown/Covid situation just means I've switched everything off but I don't feel dead or numb, just - fine.  I do need to push myself to do more exercise at home because I've put on so much weight I've only two pairs of trousers that fit now.  But that feels alright too.  It doesn't feel like another thing I have to shoehorn into my day.  It just all feels alright? xx

CB123

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #538 on: July 28, 2020, 10:34:06 AM »
I feel EXACTLY the same, Tupp. In addition to it just being SO NICE to feel this way, I am asking myself what it tells me about me that this is so pleasant.

Biggest thing I came away with is how much of an introvert I am. I'm more and more aware how much of my life has been a marathon of effort. Of course, no one made me have six kids and homeschool. That's on me. But I can see that I chose a challenging life for my natural temperament.

I'm with you about the house. I definitely have major neglected areas, but I am more aware now how clutter effects me and I am being more intentional about some everyday maintenance as a form of self care, rather than a chore. And, like you, its a pleasure to just say "oh well, I'll get to it tomorrow" on some things, knowing that I can. Yesterday, I ended up in my pjs all day and not really getting much done, so I got up and popped that laundry in the washer this morning instead.

I was thinking yesterday about how fast the days go by. Literally, its disturbing that it can be 4 pm and I havent even noticed time at all. I'm doing a lot of reading and writing and it suddenly occurred to me that I could be tapping into "flow"--the idea that you get so much energy and focus by being wrapped up in something that you enjoy that you have no sense of time. I remember doing it when I was oil painting a lot in school, but its amazing that I am doing it now.

I love love love that you are not worried about son. What an emotional rest that must be! It is such a great feeling when you know your kids are content.  It frees up so much energy to focus on things that you are interested in. It also helps that you are comfortable in your home. I have found that being out of the places that were so uncomfortable helped a lot with my emotional calm.

Love hearing your stories, Tupp.
CB

When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #539 on: July 28, 2020, 01:21:21 PM »
Yes, FLOW!  It's interesting to see how ideas around it have moved on.

For a while it felt like flipping a switch.... or mysterious alchemy that came and went.

Now... it feels like lack of flow means I'm projecting into the future or ruminating on the past.

Being present turns out to be what flow is, for me.  At first I was bouncing in and out of feeling present... like a plane coming in too hot. 

Forgiving myself, being gentle with myself, pulling attention back to the where my feet are means I have more of it, and all the worry and fear and doubt recede, which brings more feeling present and flow. 

I'l post more about it on my mindfulness thread. 

I'm happy to read you're feeling grounded and happy, CB and Tupp.

the stillness of quarantine has it's gifts.

Lighter