Author Topic: What's New for 2020?  (Read 7972 times)

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3902
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #60 on: January 23, 2020, 11:29:29 AM »
Your IT idea is a good one, Tupp. I think you and your son could really make an impact on your community with that and it sounds like he would enjoy it for its own sake as well.

I know this kind of work is slow and painstaking, but I do see a correlation between this idea that you have and the work you are doing. Be patient! I think some breakthroughs are coming!

CB

Lol, thanks, CB, I long for breakthroughs!  I like the IT idea as well; something we can both work at, son is great at explaining technical things to people because his brain is so logical and he has the most amazing memory.  I'm good at ideas and finding resources and explaining things in different ways so I think we'd make a good team.

Today was a better day.  I worked quite solidly from 8am to 4pm, I've got a nice roast dinner to put on it a bit and now have the evening free to do a bit of whatever :)  I'm not having the same 'oh my goodness I feel good' feeling that I did last week but I do feel better than I did yesterday - calmer and clearer headed which is nice :) xx

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12437
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #61 on: January 23, 2020, 06:00:50 PM »
Wow, Tupp. Just WOW.

You are making connections with such great emotional logic (stillness on sofa, couch) and there's a bright energy in it as I read it. Like, some of the liberated energy that went for so long into encapsulating you is being freed up for INSIGHT.

INSIGHT is different than cataloguing and control. It's the most potent and beautiful thing and I'm seeing you have a lot of it.

I am genuinely still thrilled for you.

I'm also very impressed that you thought so rationally about why you didn't have the "high" of your first discoveries replicate itself or clone itself precisely with each later session. That is REAL thinking and HEALTHY expectation.

Knowing that two steps forward + one step back really DOES still = FORWARD is so important. This realization carries peace.

I'm so proud of you. I hope you are prouder.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7341
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #62 on: January 23, 2020, 07:11:36 PM »
Hi, Tupp:

I'm glad you made a connection with your new T.

DD found one this week too!  Yay!

Having things explained, the way your T is explaining to you, helps move forward much faster and more easily, IME.  It helps bring lasting change and teach us to help ourselves, which is amazing.

:nodding::

Keep us updated.  Very exciting!

lighter

Thanks, Lighter :)  Glad DD has found someone as well.  It does help to have people explain things, as you say.  I find it much easier to concentrate on what I'm doing if I understand why I'm doing it.  It makes more sense to me and cuts down on my 'what if' questions.  Yup yup yup.

Yesterday was a tough day.  I have to admit I was a bit disappointed - because I'd felt so good after the session last week I'd kind of assumed that I'd come bouncing out each time and eventually just bounce constantly.  So I did feel a little bit disappointed that wasn't the case, but I'm aware that I need to be realistic and acknowledge that it isn't magic, we're still working through tough stuff, just (hopefully) in a quicker and more productive way.

My view of T, at this point, is.... we use one appointment to identify something that needs attention, then the next appointment to work through it, which feels AMAZING every time.  I used to spend time wishing every appointment could be magic, but sometimes we go places that surprise and amaze me... lead to something I didn't know was there.   Just very productive on the whole, even if they can't all be processing really difficult problematic emotions that pop up consistently in my life, kwim? I decided to just go with it and barely moved off the sofa all day, apart from a little walk with son in the afternoon.  I struggle with days like that, because I know not getting things done stresses me out. My T would say ego and judgment are involved.... I think.
 She'd ask me to be super compassionate and pay close nonjudgmental attention to what's going on in and around me.
But equally I think I need to learn to listen to my body more and not force myself through things so much, so I let it go and did very little.  And that's what you needed to be doing.  Tending to yourself in the way you needed to be tended to.  No good or right way, particularly based on old standards and voices in our heads, right?  Just paying attention and noticing.... holding ourselves with deep compassion.  It goes in and out of focus for me, but I notice gets easier.

The sense of loss and the ache for my dad was very real and very present, and when I closed my eyes I was literally back in our house when we were kids, at the bottom of the stairs with his arms around me on the day he left.  I could feel him and smell him and I just felt so numb. ((((Tupp))))  What struck me is that I've never felt the same sense of loss with my mum. That's understandable, IMO.  Completely. I've missed having a family, but more the idea of a family, not the one I actually had.  I haven't looked back and wished I could recreate a moment with her, without it meaning a huge change in her behavior.  I don't have that with my dad, and I feel very lucky to have those good memories of him, few that they are. 

I wonder if it would be helpful to go back and recreate some touching memories with your mother for little Tupp.... she so deserved a less broken mother and I've found changing and replacing memories to be a very helpful tool for my journey.  I don't know.  Maybe my wanting that for you is the wrong thing for your journey, but I want to say share what comes up for me.

Little things have started making sense.  I feel a sense of panic if there is little food in the house.  I think this stems from the time the police reported me to social services after I'd reported my step-dad to them.  There wasn't much in the fridge as I shopped day to day (still do most of the time) and it was one of the things they flagged up.  I feel anxious every time I open the fridge door and see there's not much in there. Grrrrrrr.... I feel so helpless for you, having had people poking around in my fridge too. There doesn't need to be; we've three shops within a ten minute walk and about another twenty within a ten minute bus ride, so shopping day to day gives son practise at life skills, gives us a bit of exercise and cuts down on wasted food.  It's sensible, yet that anxiety crops up and I think that's where it's from. And that's SO unfair, makes zero sense and couldn't be farther from the stupid things people assume when directed by harmful PD individuals who want to do us harm.  Good Lord, Tupp.... that was so unfair. Similarly, the paralysis that I experience (like yesterday, when I barely moved) stems, I think, from the first time my step dad assaulted me.  We were on holiday at a caravan park at the time, and I remember that every time we went on holiday after that, I never used to clean my teeth for the whole time we were there.  I suppose, sub consciously, I was trying to put him off kissing me.  Isn't it weird how we do things and have behaviours for years and don't realise why?  I think it stems from that, almost that sense of 'If I keep completely still, no-one can see me'.  If I don't move off the sofa, nothing bad can happen (I did clean my teeth yesterday, though :) ).  You're so strong to have brought those charges against him.... report his crimes.... TELL on him.  Even though the system's broken, you did everything you could do and that's enough (((Tupp.)))That's all you can do and I'm in awe of your perseverance and resilience.
 Truly.  Good job connecting dots and SEEING the truth. 


Phew.  Hard work.  Revelations.  I didn't sleep too well last night but feel better than I did yesterday so will try to crack on a bit through the day.  Son and I have a book date!  They've started a scheme at the local library where you can book an appointment with the librarian and discuss books over tea and cake :)  My girls and I loved spending time in the stacks too!  It's an adventure, a quiet respite, a chance to explore and adding tea and cake, whoo hoo!  That's an outing I'd love to attend.I tried to book son on to it but they were fully booked, so we've arranged our own outing today to discuss books over cake and hot chocolate and then go book shopping.  So I will have to leave the house for that and I'll enjoy it.  ::Swooning over that outint::. Again, you make your son's life so much more fulfilling and rich and you're always thinking things through to create growth and learning opportunities.   You're an amazing human being.  I hope you believe that.  I imagine you creating these kinds of experiences for others.... your son can share, teach and engage in them too, as with the IT idea below.  Yes: )

I also suggested to son yesterday that we both learn as much as we can about computers and IT and then, when we know enough, we can teach other people.  I've an idea at the back of my mind that, once I've got son's at-home, tech based programme up and running, we could extend it and start teaching small groups of adults with learning disabilities useful tech skills, and things like digital photography and short film making, as an alternative or addition to the gardening and car washing that they all seem to be expected to do at the moment. He thinks it's a great idea so I feel better about offering him an alternative to college that he'll enjoy and do well at.

That's all for today!  Will report back later :) xx  BIG days, Tupp.
 And when they feeeeel small, remember there are discoveries in the quiet still moments you'll learn from.  SElf compassion, nonjudgmental focus... leaning into curiosity about everything inside and around you.  Again, yes: )

Lighter


Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3902
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #63 on: January 24, 2020, 02:22:25 PM »
My view of T, at this point, is.... we use one appointment to identify something that needs attention, then the next appointment to work through it, which feels AMAZING every time.  I used to spend time wishing every appointment could be magic, but sometimes we go places that surprise and amaze me... lead to something I didn't know was there.   Just very productive on the whole, even if they can't all be processing really difficult problematic emotions that pop up consistently in my life, kwim?

Yes, I think that desire for a magic ending to it all is very strong and soooo desirable!  I was amazed about how much of my dad leaving was still in there, almost forty years later.  But it does feel productive, it sounds strange but I've always felt like there are holes inside me, empty spaces that need filling and it feels like it's filled a couple of them in.  I just feel a little bit more secure, a little bit more grounded, a little bit less empty and rootless.  Which I think can only be a good thing.

My T would say ego and judgment are involved.... I think.

Yes, I think that's right, we must be perfect, we must get it right, we must be better than others.  That's always a thing with me, not putting myself in a position where I can be criticised, which I think is ego?  I did a lot yesterday, to make up for doing nothing the day before, and I've left myself very tired today.  I need to work on balancing that out, so that even when I do feel good, I don't overdo things.

I wonder if it would be helpful to go back and recreate some touching memories with your mother for little Tupp.... she so deserved a less broken mother and I've found changing and replacing memories to be a very helpful tool for my journey.  I don't know.  Maybe my wanting that for you is the wrong thing for your journey, but I want to say share what comes up for me.


I think that would be helpful, Lighter.  I was thinking about it today, and my mum did do nice things for us, but she didn't do nice things with us.  And I think that's the difference, my dad did things with us - there was warmth and interaction.  My mum cleaned, cooked, paid bills, all of which are nice things that kids are only aware of if they don't happen, so we were lucky in that respect.  She made a fuss on birthdays and at Christmas, we got lots of presents and treats.  And she did things like book concert tickets as a surprise, or just something little like bringing us a cake home when she went shopping sometimes.  All of which are nice things and I do appreciate and am grateful for them, but I can't remember a single thing she did with us - read a story, watch a cartoon, play a game, even just ask about school or want to know what our homework was or anything like that.  So perhaps I should just make some interactions up and see what that does.  It's a good suggestion, thank you :)

Yep, the police thing was a real kick in the teeth.  They didn't even question him.  They said they wanted to check the house because I'd told them about my mum's false allegations in the past and they said they would check so they could say everything was alright if she reported me again.  And then they reported me.  Their list of concerns was - my son was wearing pyjamas (no word of a lie, it's in the report.  He was wearing his pyjamas and it was daytime.  Seriously.).  The food thing - there was food in the house, just not masses of it but enough for a couple of days and in this day and age when you can order everything to be delivered there just isn't a need to keep a fully stocked pantry - we don't generally have the kind of weather here where you're housebound for three months over the winter.  She claimed we didn't have a single book in the house although he was home educated.  I counted his books when I found out that's what she'd claimed  - he had 326.  I hadn't washed the breakfast dishes up (two bowls and cups on the side by the sink).  And the sofa cushions didn't have any covers on them (they were in the washing machine because my son had spilt his drink on them that morning).  Those were her concerns - when she'd been given a report of a man who sexually abused a girl from the age of twelve.  Some people's priorities are just messed up.  Phew.  Feels both good and disgusting to write that down.

Ah, the book adventure was great, we went to the second hand bookshops first just for a look, then to the computer game shops just to look at what's there and then on to his favourite book shop where he bought a new Lego book.  Then we headed to a new cafe for tea and cake, it was lovely, although to be fair not too much book discussion as he was too busy eating his cake :)  It was nice, though, and he'll hopefully be doing the proper one at the library next month.

Thanks, Lighter.  It's really helpful having you doing the EMDR, it's good to be able to compare notes :)  I'm looking forward to the next appointment, it feels like the right thing to be working on now and I'm looking forward to seeing where we go with it.

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7341
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #64 on: January 24, 2020, 11:48:02 PM »
My view of T, at this point, is.... we use one appointment to identify something that needs attention, then the next appointment to work through it, which feels AMAZING every time.  I used to spend time wishing every appointment could be magic, but sometimes we go places that surprise and amaze me... lead to something I didn't know was there.   Just very productive on the whole, even if they can't all be processing really difficult problematic emotions that pop up consistently in my life, kwim?

Yes, I think that desire for a magic ending to it all is very strong and soooo desirable!  I was amazed about how much of my dad leaving was still in there, almost forty years later.  But it does feel productive, it sounds strange but I've always felt like there are holes inside me, empty spaces that need filling and it feels like it's filled a couple of them in.  I just feel a little bit more secure, a little bit more grounded, a little bit less empty and rootless.  Which I think can only be a good thing.  Little Lighter wants Little Tupp's daddy to beat the living crap out of PD Stepdad!  Maybe worse, but that's little L's rageful desire when she thinks about her best and highest outcome for Little Tupp's situation.
 To be rescued by a trusted, powerful, caring spirit who appeared to protect and save her from the monsters.  I wonder if your T will go to a place where you're asked how you'd change the sitation... how you'd resolve it if you could cast a spell and change anything and everything about the situation, top to bottom.


My T would say ego and judgment are involved.... I think.

Yes, I think that's right, we must be perfect, we must get it right, we must be better than others.  That's always a thing with me, not putting myself in a position where I can be criticised, which I think is ego?  I did a lot yesterday, to make up for doing nothing the day before, and I've left myself very tired today.  I need to work on balancing that out, so that even when I do feel good, I don't overdo things.  Do you really need to?  Maybe you just invite yourself to visit that topic, with compassion and patience.  WHen you're ready it will happen. 

I wonder if it would be helpful to go back and recreate some touching memories with your mother for little Tupp.... she so deserved a less broken mother and I've found changing and replacing memories to be a very helpful tool for my journey.  I don't know.  Maybe my wanting that for you is the wrong thing for your journey, but I want to say share what comes up for me.


I think that would be helpful, Lighter.  I was thinking about it today, and my mum did do nice things for us, but she didn't do nice things with us.  And I think that's the difference, my dad did things with us - there was warmth and interaction.  My mum cleaned, cooked, paid bills, all of which are nice things that kids are only aware of if they don't happen, so we were lucky in that respect.  She made a fuss on birthdays and at Christmas, we got lots of presents and treats.  And she did things like book concert tickets as a surprise, or just something little like bringing us a cake home when she went shopping sometimes.  All of which are nice things and I do appreciate and am grateful for them, but I can't remember a single thing she did with us - read a story, watch a cartoon, play a game, even just ask about school or want to know what our homework was or anything like that.  So perhaps I should just make some interactions up and see what that does.  It's a good suggestion, thank you :) It breaks my heart that your mother was so broken she couldn't connect with her children, or SEE she was missing out on important connection.  She was so broken.  I wonder what her childhood was like.  I wonder if her parenting efforts were much better than the parenting she received.   I've experienced that from extended family members who were abused and couldn't connect ANY dots regarding their own pretty abusive parenting, bc it was 90% better than what they'd received.  They couldn't see it.  Would never be able to see it.  It was a blind spot.... nothing at all to do with their beautiful children.   Personal brokeness they carried with them despite available love and possibility for connection. 

Yep, the police thing was a real kick in the teeth.  Grrrrrr.  The wrong teeth.They didn't even question him.  They said they wanted to check the house because I'd told them about my mum's false allegations in the past and they said they would check so they could say everything was alright if she reported me again.  And then they reported me.  GRRRR.Their list of concerns was - my son was wearing pyjamas (no word of a lie, it's in the report. I understand this kind of nutsy koo crazy thinking intimately, Tupp. He was wearing his pyjamas and it was daytime.  Seriously.). grrr The food thing - there was food in the house, just not masses of it but enough for a couple of days and in this day and age when you can order everything to be delivered there just isn't a need to keep a fully stocked pantry - we don't generally have the kind of weather here where you're housebound for three months over the winter.  She claimed we didn't have a single book in the house although he was home educated. Broken, disordered bat.  I counted his books when I found out that's what she'd claimed  - he had 326.  I hadn't washed the breakfast dishes up (two bowls and cups on the side by the sink).  And the sofa cushions didn't have any covers on them (they were in the washing machine because my son had spilt his drink on them that morning).  Those were her concerns - when she'd been given a report of a man who sexually abused a girl from the age of twelve.  Some people's priorities are just messed up.  Phew.  Feels both good and disgusting to write that down.  You write away, Tupp.  Your story is relevant and important and I believe every syllable.  I also believe the PDs manipulated, bought off and lied their way through the police questions.  It's a recurring thing, IME, but on some level THEY KNOW.  I think they worry they'll go to hell.   I think they might should worry.

Ah, the book adventure was great, we went to the second-hand bookshops first just for a look, then to the computer game shops just to look at what's there and then on to his favorite book shop where he bought a new Lego book.  Then we headed to a new cafe for tea and cake, it was lovely, although to be fair not too much book discussion as he was too busy eating his cake :) One of those moments where we don't get what we want... but we get what we need; ) It was nice, though, and he'll hopefully be doing the proper one at the library next month.  I'm excited for him.  What fun!

Thanks, Lighter.  It's really helpful having you doing the EMDR, it's good to be able to compare notes :)  I'm looking forward to the next appointment, it feels like the right thing to be working on now and I'm looking forward to seeing where we go with it.  I think I'm about done shaking my fist at ghosts and unresolved emotions for a bit.  I lost a bit of ground, but have perspective and deeper understanding around old processes and new.  Watching myself make choices I would rather not choose.... is interesting if I drop all judgment around it and get very curious. Stop telling myself what I NEED to do, bc I'll do what I need when the time's right.  I'm just fine as I am and I'm giving my brain a chance to feel safe, calm down and do what it does best.  To pull my face off the glass even as I'm noticing my face is UP against glass.... and that's not where I want to be.  I know how to get off that glass.  I'll do it when I'm ready and that will be the right time.  It's OK. 

I feel fortunate to walk this path with you.  To see how you're processing and interpreting your EMDR sessions.  What you gain and learn is helpful to me too.  Lighter


Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3902
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #65 on: January 27, 2020, 03:14:25 AM »
Lighter, thank you.  I'm just replying quickly as I have the worst cold I've ever known and am constantly coughing and blowing my nose :)  But have read what you wrote and nodded all the way through it.  My mum did have an awful childhood, her mother was very cold and unfeeling and, from various things that my mum said and did over the years, I suspect she may have been sexually abused as well.  Add to that two divorces (in an era when women got married and nothing else mattered), forty years of alcohol abuse, not having access to a higher level of education (again, just through being female) and possibly undiagnosed Autism as well and the way she is makes sense.  Bizarrely I have been really missing her this last couple of days and really felt like I wanted to hug her and look after her.  Our emotions are such bizarre, illogical things sometimes.  I will not, of course, be acting on those feelings, but I really do wish that she finds some way to reconnect with herself just a bit before she passes.  Even just to accept some unconditional comfort (which she never believes is real, she always thinks people are after something from her).  Perhaps once all the EMDR is done and I am feeling robust, settled in my new home, working and son is happy, I might feel able to write to her, without an agenda, and just accept whatever the outcome is.  Who knows?  For now, I am drinking honey and lemon, constantly stuffing tissues up my nose and smothering myself with Vicks.  Do you have Vicks in the States?  Menthol body rub, it's been around for decades here, you slap it all over your chest and it clears your nose :)  That reminds me of being a child, possibly because the only time my mum did really interact was when we were ill - she'd give us cough medicine in the night and rub Vicks on our chest and back.  Funny how these things link together.  I will write more later :)  I hope you have a great time on the Island xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7341
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #66 on: January 27, 2020, 05:22:48 PM »
Awwwww, sorry you're suffering with "the cold" as youngest dd used to say when she was 5yo. 

"I have....
the cold." 
SO. 
Cute.

Yup, we have Vicks too.  I'd do more than open and sniff it if my mucous membranes trusted me enough to handle it. Sadly, they can't.

I hope you feel better soon.  My guilty pleasure is Nyquil for sleeping through miserable nights. 

I'm sending you protection, feelings of safety and intestinal fortitude to do good work with your T. 

I think we are safe now, Tupp.
Lighter

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3902
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #67 on: January 29, 2020, 04:45:39 AM »
Awwwww, sorry you're suffering with "the cold" as youngest dd used to say when she was 5yo. 

"I have....
the cold." 
SO. 
Cute.

Yup, we have Vicks too.  I'd do more than open and sniff it if my mucous membranes trusted me enough to handle it. Sadly, they can't.

I hope you feel better soon.  My guilty pleasure is Nyquil for sleeping through miserable nights. 

I'm sending you protection, feelings of safety and intestinal fortitude to do good work with your T. 

I think we are safe now, Tupp.
Lighter

Thank you, Lighter, I appreciate this so much :)  And I am now a walking Vicks Vapour Rub :) Lol.

'The cold' (love that!) is abating.  Have never had a cold that bad.  Son hasn't been in to college as I've not had the strength to get out the door and get him there and back.  But it's easing off now, the fever has gone (I was so hot on Sunday that I thought I'd caught that Chinese Flu that's doing the rounds lol) and I'm just coughing and sniffing with a lot of aches and pains, mostly from being hunched up on the sofa and coughing so much.  At one point I coughed, sneezed and farted all at the same time lol, this has not been a good time to be around me!

But I do feel like 'something' has kind of gone out of me.  Head is calmer.  Anxiety has reduced.  Weather was awful yesterday but is lovely and sunny today.  The birds are very happy feeding in the tree out front and son and I are heading to the shop in a minute to stock up on a few groceries.

Kitty cat had surgery at the beginning of the week; lots of teeth removed and they were very late in contacting me to say they'd finished so I was worried she hadn't made it through.  But she's fine, eating well, a bit miffed at not being allowed out for a while but other than that all okay and we had a nice cuddle last night.

I didn't go for my T appointment yesterday as I was so ill; I cancelled the day before and she was fine with that.  I will go next week, slightly worried that each release might unleash another cold!  So I think we'll work on another minor one next time and see how we get on.

Fingers crossed we are going to dance church again this Sunday; I am looking forward to that.  And planning a few days away to visit friends towards the end of Feb as well.

Will report as more comes along! xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7341
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #68 on: January 29, 2020, 11:34:24 AM »
We have dance church here too, TUPP!  I was just talking to my aunt about all the different kinds of church she chould attend, as she's very sure she'd hate them all.

Celtic candlelit services.  Very small afternoon widows only services.  DANCE church!
Lots to choose from.  Tell me what you like about it.  Sometimes I hear people lean on you too much.  Do you guys bounce off each other or stay in your own properly British spaces?

I'm glad "the cold" is loosening it's grip on you.  I try to take those xylitol nose drops to head off a secondary infection, but I'm usually too pitiful to remember them when really sick.  They were the difference in getting over a terrible sinus infection that lasted FOREVER in 2014, I'll say that.  I was a believer.  I have them.  I should use them.

You heal up and think about what you want to talk to the T about next week.

Fartsneezcough away.  You're on the mend!  Maybe enjoy an epson salt bath. 

::feeling Tupp's brow and bringing her broth with rice and fresh parsley flakes::
Self care, ((Tupp))

Lighter 

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3902
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #69 on: January 31, 2020, 05:44:07 AM »
We have dance church here too, TUPP!  I was just talking to my aunt about all the different kinds of church she chould attend, as she's very sure she'd hate them all.

Celtic candlelit services.  Very small afternoon widows only services.  DANCE church!
Lots to choose from.  Tell me what you like about it.  Sometimes I hear people lean on you too much.  Do you guys bounce off each other or stay in your own properly British spaces?

I'm glad "the cold" is loosening it's grip on you.  I try to take those xylitol nose drops to head off a secondary infection, but I'm usually too pitiful to remember them when really sick.  They were the difference in getting over a terrible sinus infection that lasted FOREVER in 2014, I'll say that.  I was a believer.  I have them.  I should use them.

You heal up and think about what you want to talk to the T about next week.

Fartsneezcough away.  You're on the mend!  Maybe enjoy an epson salt bath. 

::feeling Tupp's brow and bringing her broth with rice and fresh parsley flakes::
Self care, ((Tupp))

Lighter

Ah, Lighter, thank you!  The cold is starting to go; I have a bad back from all the coughing but I'm doing yoga and epsom baths and it will ease :)

The dance church is the one at the commune we visited and what I loved about it was that everyone just danced and had a nice time.  No agenda, no structure, no demands - the music starts and you move, sway, sit and breath, pop in and out, admire the view, have a glass of water, whatever you want.  I enjoyed it and am looking forward to going again.

The cold's clearing and my fuzzy head is clearing with it.  My mind feels clearer than usual.  I'm sitting for quite long periods getting through paperwork, emails, booking things for son and so on.  The days aren't feeling as muddy and pressured as they normally do which I'm assuming is down to the EMDR so I'm looking forward to doing more work at the session next week.  I just feel like the 'other' voices in my mind have piped down a bit, which is nice :) xx

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12437
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #70 on: January 31, 2020, 12:47:42 PM »
Tupp, so glad you're beginning to feel better physically.

I still see that lightness coming through and it warms my heart.

It's like after years of heaviness there's actually a sense, in reading your recent posts, of a true change shift.

Couldn't be happier for you, hon.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4490
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #71 on: January 31, 2020, 01:39:48 PM »
Excellent news Tupp! I'm glad the therapy is going well.

I do have to say, I have about the same reaction as Lighter, reading your story. But despite the similarities and differences, I think universally we all came out of those situations with some amazing skills and an appreciation for the fact people can and DO change, with enough "practice" and patience and insight.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3902
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #72 on: February 03, 2020, 02:15:41 AM »
Thank you all, so much, I really appreciate the support :)  I might need to change my name to Mrs Serenity Pants :)  Dance church was amazing!

We hired a car for the whole weekend now that we don't have our own, so did quite a few different things on Saturday.  I noticed I was starting to run over 'bad stuff' in my head before we left for the day and realised I was anxious, even though we were doing easy stuff that son likes, in places we know well.  I tried to just notice it and see it was there (I am paying attention to what you write, Lighter :) lol ).  It carried on through the morning and what I noticed was it's just very tiring.  It makes everything you're doing more tiring.

One of the kids at swimming had a massive meltdown and I watched her parents - who have two autistic daughters - cope with it admirably, but I could see the strain on the mum's face in particular, and I noticed I was feeling quite hostile and judgemental towards them.  I pondered that some more, and I think it took me back to those times when my son was small and I was often judged and criticised for the things he did and the way I handled it (and I often judged myself and handled it badly, too).  Once I realised that, I was able to feel more compassionate and focus on how hard it had been for me, so I could be more supportive to them (I gave the mum a hug when we left and had a chat with the dad outside while he waited for the kids to come out).  We went out in the evening to a local wrestling match - it's more like a pantomime really, they have a goodie and a baddie in each bout, it's very stage and almost more like slapstick than anything else, lots of falling over and tumbling out of the ring and so on.  We were sat there and I was watching everyone else joining in with the singing and the cheering and some people were shouting out things from the crowd and I felt very disconnected and wished I was at home with my book and a cup of tea, with the cat curled up on me.  I realised I don't remember how to have fun anymore.  Since having son, I've not had any time at all where I can just enjoy myself and not be thinking about him, or what I need to do while he's somewhere else, or just been trying to cope with feeling awful or lonely or worried or whatever.  It has been an endless, eighteen year slog - not because of him, simply because I've just not had a good, supportive network around me.  So I felt tired and dejected when we got home, didn't sleep very well and very nearly didn't go to Dance Church, because I was tired and achy, and still coughing and sneezing a bit.  But we did go :)

It's just so lovely.  We walked in, all the doors to the property are unlocked and people wander in and out as they please when there's a community event on.  We stopped to take off our shoes and other people were coming in the door, some were coming from upstairs and others were coming from inside the house to go up to the event room (this is all happening in a space smaller than a dining table).  Everyone is happy and friendly, hi, hello, how you doing?  We've only been once before but two people greeted us like old friends.  One guy commented that his daughter is autistic and we started to chat while son was in the loo.  It turns out that this man who looks to be fifty is actually seventy and he attributes it to dancing :) We went up and as it was Imbolc (pagan festival of Spring) they'd made a little alter in front of the DJ set up, there was some sage on the go and someone had made raw chocolate treats so son was happy.  He didn't want to join in so sat on his blanket with his book and no-one minds.  That's what I really like about it, no-one minds what anyone else does.  One lady spent much of the session sat in a chair next to the wood burner, at one point there were about seven kids all perched on one arm chair.  One of the dads was giving piggy back rides and the kids just seem so happy and are having a lot of fun.  There were two couples there with babies, both wearing ear defenders because of the music but so happy to dance around with their parents and be passed around.  I was watching one couple in particular as their little one reminded me so much of my son at that age, so happy and smiley and just cute.  You could see how loving and supportive they were as parents, to each other as well as the baby, plus they had friends there who were the same, and I thought how different things might have been for us if we'd had loving support instead of endless rows and battles and people trying to do unpleasant things to us.  What was nice was I didn't feel resentful about it, I found myself thinking well, we can do that now.  We can get that loving support around us because these people are showing me that it is out there.

Another thing that I really like is that the men seem very respectful of women, which is something else I'm not entirely used to.  People dance with each other, but the men seem very sensitive to whether a woman wants to dance with them or not.  I've been to some 'spiritual' things where, to me, some of the men seemed very lecherous but it doesn't feel like that here.  It feels comfortable and fun.  It just feels like fun.

So I danced for two hours :)  I felt less anxious than last time, less self conscious, less worried about what other people thought about me.  I started to wonder what it might be possible to achieve in life without constant criticism and a feeling of never being good enough.  What might you feel confident enough to do if you knew no-one around was going to mock or humiliate you, or tell everyone else what a failure you were?  Who wouldn't laugh at your dancing, or your clothes or how you had your hair?  How would it feel to have people who give you a hug when you're having a crap time instead of berating you and telling you it was all your own fault?  I think I would like to find out?

The inner me was still present.  I had an overwhelming urge to get up on a step ladder with my long handled feather duster and sort out the cobwebs up on their high ceiling :) There was one couple getting very smoochy and I wanted to chuck cold water over them - a reaction to not being touched for more than a decade, I think :)  So the transformation hasn't taken place just yet :)  Lol.  But I slept eight hours last night, which I hardly ever do, and I woke up this morning wanting to have a nice day and enjoy myself, instead of that constant pressure of the to do list being present.  My bum cheeks are aching like mad, as are my feet, but I can see myself doing some nice yoga to stretch out a bit and then dancing some more.  I actually feel pretty good?  Wow.  It's not very often I can say that lol xx

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12437
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #73 on: February 03, 2020, 03:32:09 AM »
More later, since it's 3:30am here and ummm....sleep?

But I just want to say, (((((Tupp)))) that this is the happiest thing I've ever seen you write, and it's banging joyfully around my head and heart.

So I danced for two hours

Joy!

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

CB123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2177
  • It's never to late to be what you might have been
Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #74 on: February 03, 2020, 10:46:06 AM »
Tupp,
As usual, I so identify with the long period of time where you have always had your son's welfare in the back of your mind, and have lost touch with complete relaxation. I have experienced that as well, and I'm not sure I'm past it yet myself!

So nice to see you out having fun with him though! Don't worry too much if you couldnt get into the wrestling stuff. It may not be your thing. Not being able to fully enter into the mood of the crowd isnt necessarily a symptom of your ability to have fun. I would rather be home with a cup of tea and book too!

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010