Thank you all, so much, I really appreciate the support
I might need to change my name to Mrs Serenity Pants
Dance church was amazing!
We hired a car for the whole weekend now that we don't have our own, so did quite a few different things on Saturday. I noticed I was starting to run over 'bad stuff' in my head before we left for the day and realised I was anxious, even though we were doing easy stuff that son likes, in places we know well. I tried to just notice it and see it was there (I am paying attention to what you write, Lighter
lol ). It carried on through the morning and what I noticed was it's just very tiring. It makes everything you're doing more tiring.
One of the kids at swimming had a massive meltdown and I watched her parents - who have two autistic daughters - cope with it admirably, but I could see the strain on the mum's face in particular, and I noticed I was feeling quite hostile and judgemental towards them. I pondered that some more, and I think it took me back to those times when my son was small and I was often judged and criticised for the things he did and the way I handled it (and I often judged myself and handled it badly, too). Once I realised that, I was able to feel more compassionate and focus on how hard it had been for me, so I could be more supportive to them (I gave the mum a hug when we left and had a chat with the dad outside while he waited for the kids to come out). We went out in the evening to a local wrestling match - it's more like a pantomime really, they have a goodie and a baddie in each bout, it's very stage and almost more like slapstick than anything else, lots of falling over and tumbling out of the ring and so on. We were sat there and I was watching everyone else joining in with the singing and the cheering and some people were shouting out things from the crowd and I felt very disconnected and wished I was at home with my book and a cup of tea, with the cat curled up on me. I realised I don't remember how to have fun anymore. Since having son, I've not had any time at all where I can just enjoy myself and not be thinking about him, or what I need to do while he's somewhere else, or just been trying to cope with feeling awful or lonely or worried or whatever. It has been an endless, eighteen year slog - not because of him, simply because I've just not had a good, supportive network around me. So I felt tired and dejected when we got home, didn't sleep very well and very nearly didn't go to Dance Church, because I was tired and achy, and still coughing and sneezing a bit. But we did go
It's just so lovely. We walked in, all the doors to the property are unlocked and people wander in and out as they please when there's a community event on. We stopped to take off our shoes and other people were coming in the door, some were coming from upstairs and others were coming from inside the house to go up to the event room (this is all happening in a space smaller than a dining table). Everyone is happy and friendly, hi, hello, how you doing? We've only been once before but two people greeted us like old friends. One guy commented that his daughter is autistic and we started to chat while son was in the loo. It turns out that this man who looks to be fifty is actually seventy and he attributes it to dancing
We went up and as it was Imbolc (pagan festival of Spring) they'd made a little alter in front of the DJ set up, there was some sage on the go and someone had made raw chocolate treats so son was happy. He didn't want to join in so sat on his blanket with his book and no-one minds. That's what I really like about it, no-one minds what anyone else does. One lady spent much of the session sat in a chair next to the wood burner, at one point there were about seven kids all perched on one arm chair. One of the dads was giving piggy back rides and the kids just seem so happy and are having a lot of fun. There were two couples there with babies, both wearing ear defenders because of the music but so happy to dance around with their parents and be passed around. I was watching one couple in particular as their little one reminded me so much of my son at that age, so happy and smiley and just cute. You could see how loving and supportive they were as parents, to each other as well as the baby, plus they had friends there who were the same, and I thought how different things might have been for us if we'd had loving support instead of endless rows and battles and people trying to do unpleasant things to us. What was nice was I didn't feel resentful about it, I found myself thinking well, we can do that now. We can get that loving support around us because these people are showing me that it is out there.
Another thing that I really like is that the men seem very respectful of women, which is something else I'm not entirely used to. People dance with each other, but the men seem very sensitive to whether a woman wants to dance with them or not. I've been to some 'spiritual' things where, to me, some of the men seemed very lecherous but it doesn't feel like that here. It feels comfortable and fun. It just feels like fun.
So I danced for two hours
I felt less anxious than last time, less self conscious, less worried about what other people thought about me. I started to wonder what it might be possible to achieve in life without constant criticism and a feeling of never being good enough. What might you feel confident enough to do if you knew no-one around was going to mock or humiliate you, or tell everyone else what a failure you were? Who wouldn't laugh at your dancing, or your clothes or how you had your hair? How would it feel to have people who give you a hug when you're having a crap time instead of berating you and telling you it was all your own fault? I think I would like to find out?
The inner me was still present. I had an overwhelming urge to get up on a step ladder with my long handled feather duster and sort out the cobwebs up on their high ceiling
There was one couple getting very smoochy and I wanted to chuck cold water over them - a reaction to not being touched for more than a decade, I think
So the transformation hasn't taken place just yet
Lol. But I slept eight hours last night, which I hardly ever do, and I woke up this morning wanting to have a nice day and enjoy myself, instead of that constant pressure of the to do list being present. My bum cheeks are aching like mad, as are my feet, but I can see myself doing some nice yoga to stretch out a bit and then dancing some more. I actually feel pretty good? Wow. It's not very often I can say that lol xx
