Author Topic: What's New for 2020?  (Read 7952 times)

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #75 on: February 04, 2020, 10:11:18 AM »
Hi again Tupp--
Wanted to add that your description of "dance church" reminded me of the side of the 60s that felt so good at the time...amid the stupidities of war and too many drugs....there were so many gatherings where the prevailing feeling really was love and acceptance. It was joyful at a time when joy was hard to find.

I hope that feeling will come back as people gather together to push back against the social and political darkness that has re-risen. Dance church reminds me it may not prevail.

Flower power!

Hugs,
Hops (on tenterhooks waiting for caucus results)
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #76 on: February 04, 2020, 11:33:36 AM »
Tupp,
As usual, I so identify with the long period of time where you have always had your son's welfare in the back of your mind, and have lost touch with complete relaxation. I have experienced that as well, and I'm not sure I'm past it yet myself!

So nice to see you out having fun with him though! Don't worry too much if you couldnt get into the wrestling stuff. It may not be your thing. Not being able to fully enter into the mood of the crowd isnt necessarily a symptom of your ability to have fun. I would rather be home with a cup of tea and book too!

CB

CB, that is a good point about the wrestling not being my cup of tea!  You're right, it isn't really my sort of thing, I kind of forget that not everyone likes the same stuff and when I see others feeling very excited by something I wonder why I don't :)  So yes, good point on that one and one I shall keep in mind :)  And yes, constantly thinking about our kids is just such a normal thing that we don't even notice we're doing it.  Even if he's not with me, everything I need to do revolves around him and on the odd time I am just doing something for me, I'm always mindful of the time because he'll need picking up at some point.  And even if someone else were dropping him back I'd need to be home when he got here.  So it does take up your direction constantly and yes, a hard habit to break even if you get to the point where it's no longer needed!  Lol xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #77 on: February 04, 2020, 11:53:39 AM »
Hi again Tupp--
Wanted to add that your description of "dance church" reminded me of the side of the 60s that felt so good at the time...amid the stupidities of war and too many drugs....there were so many gatherings where the prevailing feeling really was love and acceptance. It was joyful at a time when joy was hard to find.

I hope that feeling will come back as people gather together to push back against the social and political darkness that has re-risen. Dance church reminds me it may not prevail.

Flower power!

Hugs,
Hops (on tenterhooks waiting for caucus results)

Hops I had to look up what caucus meant :)  Lol, yes, interested to know the outcome of that one as well.  And yes, the dance church vibe is very flower power, live and let live.  We had a similar resurgence here in the 90s with the rave culture (which I loved at the time); todays youngsters are doing their thing by focusing on the environment and going vegan.  Each generation has its alternative to capitalism, I think.  I do like the ethos of people mattering, whoever they are and whatever they do.  It's a nice feeling.

Anyway - an EMDR update!  My euphoria from Dance Church had worn off today by the time I'd done laundry, packed lunches, meds (son and cat!), college kit, paid bills, sent emails, four buses to and from college (one of which I was trapped next to someone I know who does nothing but moan) so I was feeling less perky by the time I got to the EMDR appointment.

Recapped what had happened since last seeing her - no emotion from seeing pictures of school bullies, missing dad, missing mum, heavy cold.  She said it was a text book response to releasing old emotion and was a good sign, which was good to hear.  Spent a bit of time chatting through it; she's very good at explaining the science behind it as she goes and I like that.  Felt comfortable and relaxed.

I asked if we could work on another relatively minor issue from childhood in case I get a cold each time I do something!  So we looked at another item I'd written down in our first session, which was the lack of money in childhood.  We talked through it a bit, various emotions, shame, a sense of responsibility, guilt, never being good enough and later, anger at mum (always had money for booze and had all sorts of things from her previous wealthy life that she could have sold - jewellery, antiques, fur coats etc - but refused to be parted from) and anger at self for being too hard on myself when younger.  Various things came up and went again physically and various layers of emotion came up and went quite quickly.  It's an interesting path.  We got to me never feeling good enough, and no-one trying to help or rescue me in anyway - not being enough for anyone to want to bother.  Worked through that quite quickly and then oh my days, step dad was there in all his glory and I wanted to smash his face straight through a brick wall.  I felt sick and anxious and very hot and at that point she stopped the session to check what I wanted to do.  We didn't have very long left so it might have been that we couldn't finish him off and I'd go off home with him larger than life and in my face, but I felt like I wanted to carry on so we did.

The emotions came hard and fast, anger, fear, resentment, not just at him but also at others for not protecting me.  I wanted to go back to little Tupp and get her out of there and we worked on that.  Once she was safe, stepdad was still there, feeling like this big lump in my body that I just couldn't get out - kidney stones came to mind!  We carried on working and he started to shift and his image started to disintegrate.  We worked some more and he was like little particles of dust in front of me and I joked and said I could finish him off with a feather duster.  She handed me a big make up brush (the kind you use for face powder) and said "finish him off with that!".  So I did, I scrubbed at the air and we got down to just a few particles.  I asked her if we could sweep what was left of him into the waste disposal and flush him away and she said, "do it!" and I did.  My legs started to tingle and I felt like I needed to kick them and twirl my feet around.  My neck twitched a couple of times and a pain flared in my hip and then suddenly the tension that I always have in my neck and only get momentary relief from when I see the osteopath just vanished.  The dirty evil f**ker was gone and he really feels gone.  I feel light and airy.  I feel like there's a space in my chest I can breath into.  My neck feels so loose that I keep twisting it because I can't quite believe it doesn't hurt.  I couldn't really speak because I was just so blown away by the way I felt and the fact that he'd gone.  Thirty five years.  He has dominated and controlled and manipulated my life for thirty five years, even though I haven't seen or spoken to him for nearly twenty.  He's just gone.  Whether he will stay gone I don't know but I feel like a different person.  It's like a pane of glass has been taken down (Lighter, you said something about having your nose to the glass?  I get exactly what you mean now, it feels like the division between me and the rest of the world isn't there now.  I feel like I could let people in and it would be okay).  Phew!

In other news - I have discovered that the reason for son's enthusiasm for college and doing more hours is because he has a crush on a girl in his class :)  There is talk of a Valentine card and him asking her out for dinner on his birthday next month.  I am trying hard to be laid back about it :)  Lol xx

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #78 on: February 04, 2020, 12:14:09 PM »
That is absolutely astonishing!
Extraordinary!
Wonderful!

I am blown away.

And yay for son! It's wonderful to think
of him feeling love.

(Does he have condoms? I know, AAACCK!)
But if you make sure that's in place, that teaching
(or find someone who's good at teaching it to young
men like him), then you can relax

More importantly, I'm dancing with you about the dead ogre's
disappearance into truly pointless particles.

Yay for you, Tupp. Way beyond yay.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #79 on: February 04, 2020, 12:26:23 PM »
Hi, Tup: )

Some of your post, around your EMDR sessions, was familiar.  I'm thrilled you're able to work through so much so quickly and not surprised at all to see it.  You're very focused and motivated so BRAVA to you and your T.  Woo hoo!  I hope you believe this is permanent.  I think it is. I always get instructions to not think about whatever we worked on for a while.  To let it sit.

Having the list of identified things to work on is so smart, IME.  You can just get on with the work from the moment you walk in... no matter how you're feeling.  Once that lists gone, maybe make another.   

Can you share a bit about what you're doing in session?  It's the T waving her hand in front of you... about 18", rather fast, with you following with your eyes, yes? Is it difficult to keep up with her hand?  Do you sometimes really struggle?  Is it easy other times?  Sounds like you're doing some memory reconsolidation.  I found it as amazing as you did: )  Can you ask her if she uses a particular template from a particular practitioner... or not.  Just wondering and very excited for you.

About son's interests in a girl.... let us know what you think after you've digested for a bit. 

I hope that internal spaciousness continues and grows.  You know how to create it now. 

Lighter   

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #80 on: February 05, 2020, 09:06:40 AM »
That is absolutely astonishing!
Extraordinary!
Wonderful!

I am blown away.

And yay for son! It's wonderful to think
of him feeling love.

(Does he have condoms? I know, AAACCK!)
But if you make sure that's in place, that teaching
(or find someone who's good at teaching it to young
men like him), then you can relax

More importantly, I'm dancing with you about the dead ogre's
disappearance into truly pointless particles.

Yay for you, Tupp. Way beyond yay.

hugs
Hops

Lol, he's not even decided whether he's going to ask her or not yet so I'm not cracking out the condoms just yet but yes, he does know what's what because I've banged on at him endlessly about safe sex, consent, being respectful and so on.  Plus he has a really good book that was written for people with learning disabilities that literally goes through all the various aspects of intimacy almost like a recipe book :)  So he'll be well prepared when necessary :)  But yes, it was just nice to even hear him mention it, it's the first time he's shown any interest in another person at all.  I ask him every year who he wants to invite out for his birthday and it's always no-one so this made a nice change (even if it doesn't happen, it still shows he's a bit more open to making friends now which is nice).  I really like the way he talks about her - he always says what a sweet and nice girl she is and tells me about the kind things she does (like she shared her drink with him one day when he forgot his and she always offers him some of her crisps).  It was just really nice.  I'm going to write about the ogre a couple of posts down :)  Lol xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #81 on: February 05, 2020, 09:15:07 AM »
Hi, Tup: )

Some of your post, around your EMDR sessions, was familiar.  I'm thrilled you're able to work through so much so quickly and not surprised at all to see it.  You're very focused and motivated so BRAVA to you and your T.  Woo hoo!  I hope you believe this is permanent.  I think it is. I always get instructions to not think about whatever we worked on for a while.  To let it sit.

Having the list of identified things to work on is so smart, IME.  You can just get on with the work from the moment you walk in... no matter how you're feeling.  Once that lists gone, maybe make another.   

Can you share a bit about what you're doing in session?  It's the T waving her hand in front of you... about 18", rather fast, with you following with your eyes, yes? Is it difficult to keep up with her hand?  Do you sometimes really struggle?  Is it easy other times?  Sounds like you're doing some memory reconsolidation.  I found it as amazing as you did: )  Can you ask her if she uses a particular template from a particular practitioner... or not.  Just wondering and very excited for you.

About son's interests in a girl.... let us know what you think after you've digested for a bit. 

I hope that internal spaciousness continues and grows.  You know how to create it now. 

Lighter

Lighter, within ten minutes of him mentioning asking her out I was planning my wedding outfit :)  Lol.  I am going to have to work very hard at not being a meddling mother in these sorts of situations.  I didn't mention it again when we got home - he'll bring it up over the weekend, probably, so we can talk about it more then.  I'd be delighted if he actually wanted to spend some time with someone instead of always sitting in his room.

The T has a kind of strip light set up on a tripod,  There's a square of light that moves back and forth and she can change the speed and the colour of the light.  It is sometimes hard to follow it.  Then she's used a variety of other things over the last couple of sessions - a couple of 'rods' that I held in my hands and they vibrated at the opposite side to the side the light was at - so if I was looking left to the light the right hand was vibrating.  She's also used a kind of wand (I called it her poking stick) to tap my knees in the same way (although not at the same time as the vibrating things, that was a different session).  We've also done breathing exercises and she's encouraged me to notice the silence, notice my breath, put my hand on whichever part of my body feels uncomfortable and breath loving compassion into it, that sort of thing.  She has some sound bowls and she's used those to create sound whilst breathing and focusing on nicer memories (like me rescuing little Tupp, for example).  Also the thing with the make up brush, to brush step-dad out of existence.  She has a whole array of various things so I expect she'll use others over time.  I will ask her if she uses a particular template when I see her next :)  She's nice - very relaxed and laid back and I like people who can explain the science of something whilst also doing the hippy dippy breathing and love yourself stuff :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #82 on: February 05, 2020, 11:22:25 AM »
I felt euphoric last night.  I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted and went to bed feeling very happy.

This morning was odd.  As I went through the day I noticed that the physical lump of him that kind of evaporated during the session had been some kind of anchor to me.  All the things I usually do to get through the day - the constant chatter in my head, the endless pressure of needing to do better or work more, the lists, the constant wondering of should I do this, is it okay to feel that, timing activities, feeling exhausted, counting down each thing I do until I can stop and have a rest - none of it was there.  Without that framework, I didn't really know what to do with myself.  It felt weird so I decided not to do anything - just to get on with the day and not try to push myself one way or another.

I took son off to college, and usually I take the bus back to town after I drop him off.  I do this because we walk from college into town when I collect him and I can't manage the walk twice in one day.  I walked back into town this morning, stopping to do some shopping on the way, without even realising I was doing it or noticing it.  I didn't feel exhausted when I got home, but I did decide to just sit and watch a show on catch up, just to let the feelings settle.

I had a bit of lunch and then decided to meditate.  I picked a recording on YouTube and usually I pick things that focus on negative feelings - meditation for when you're lonely, meditation for when you feel sad, meditation for anger and so on.  Today I picked meditation for peace and love without even thinking about it.  I set my alarm in case I fell asleep - and woke up two hours later having had the most restorative nap I've had in a very long time.

I picked son up from college and we walked back to town.  He chatted about his day more than he ever has before.  Is it coincidence or has releasing that trauma had some sort of effect on him as well?  We're home now and I feel fine - no anxiety, no aches and pains, no feeling of 'I must do this'.  I feel refreshed and alert and that I could happily cope with an unexpected visitor right now.  Usually by this time of the day I'm crawling through to get the dinner cooked so I can collapse and the thought of anyone turning up horrifies me so much that I lock the door and try to make it look like we're not home.  It's just all gone.  I will let you all know what tomorrow brings! xx

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #83 on: February 05, 2020, 12:42:39 PM »
Tup, that was one of the things I noticed too.....
being about done with a task I was usually dreading or at least not looking forward to... and find it was done and over without anything but surprise it was done with zero angst or procrastination or ANY feelings of I HAVE TO DO THIS.

It just happens.... and timing improves..... very often now I stand up and take the garbage out just before the truck's coming.  Never the same exact time, mind you.  Maybe I'm able to hear the truck NOW, bc my mind has less chatter and imperatives and angst, kwim?  Maybe.... my intuition is ON. Who knows.

 It's amazing to realize I'm putting Baby Girl Pug's leash away after walking a couple miles and not noticing I'd made the decision to do it.  I just stand up and GO, and maybe that's part of living in the moment.  It's ALL IN THAT MOMENT.  Zero thought to the past or future.. what I SHOULD do, what I MUST do... what I haven't been doing.... guilt, shame, judgment....  it's all brutal and life without it is different.  It's a rare thing, in the beginning, IME.  JUST being present in the moment is light and feels as though time is lubricated...  movement is lubricated... there's no drag and no weighted down feel..... just ease and forward motion without.... drag.  Yup yup yup.

This feeling was particularly noticeable after BIG T sessions. I think we can backslide, or feel as though we are when something particularly upsetting creates reactivity.  Maybe it's just another opportunity to finish processing something that's been stuck and needs finishing up.   Maybe we adjust to feeling better and forget how much better life is, but it's all hope and joy and forward movement, IME. 

I feel the big strides have been permanent. 

And I DO think ds benefits when you clear trauma, absolutely.

Your T uses some instruments we used in Brain Integration.  It's all intertwined and understanding the science behind it helps me internalize the information too: )

I'm so happy for you! 

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #84 on: February 05, 2020, 08:53:07 PM »
Oh
my
LORD
Tupp
(sed the agnostic).

That all took my breath away.
(As you got yours back. The right
to breathe.)

I am gobsmacked. So happy to read this.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #85 on: February 06, 2020, 11:26:50 AM »
Tup, that was one of the things I noticed too.....
being about done with a task I was usually dreading or at least not looking forward to... and find it was done and over without anything but surprise it was done with zero angst or procrastination or ANY feelings of I HAVE TO DO THIS.

It just happens.... and timing improves..... very often now I stand up and take the garbage out just before the truck's coming.  Never the same exact time, mind you.  Maybe I'm able to hear the truck NOW, bc my mind has less chatter and imperatives and angst, kwim?  Maybe.... my intuition is ON. Who knows.

 It's amazing to realize I'm putting Baby Girl Pug's leash away after walking a couple miles and not noticing I'd made the decision to do it.  I just stand up and GO, and maybe that's part of living in the moment.  It's ALL IN THAT MOMENT.  Zero thought to the past or future.. what I SHOULD do, what I MUST do... what I haven't been doing.... guilt, shame, judgment....  it's all brutal and life without it is different.  It's a rare thing, in the beginning, IME.  JUST being present in the moment is light and feels as though time is lubricated...  movement is lubricated... there's no drag and no weighted down feel..... just ease and forward motion without.... drag.  Yup yup yup.

This feeling was particularly noticeable after BIG T sessions. I think we can backslide, or feel as though we are when something particularly upsetting creates reactivity.  Maybe it's just another opportunity to finish processing something that's been stuck and needs finishing up.   Maybe we adjust to feeling better and forget how much better life is, but it's all hope and joy and forward movement, IME. 

I feel the big strides have been permanent. 

And I DO think ds benefits when you clear trauma, absolutely.

Your T uses some instruments we used in Brain Integration.  It's all intertwined and understanding the science behind it helps me internalize the information too: )

I'm so happy for you! 

Lighter

That's just what I've experienced, Lighter, all the internal chatter has just died down, without me consciously trying to make it do anything.  There is usually an endless dialogue in my mind about every single thing that I do - a constant echo of not being good enough, or getting it right, or feeling that I must justify my choices at every turn.  And it's just not there.  The relief is quite indescribable. 

And yes, son!  Really surprised at him today.  We went out to get food shopping and we needed to pop to another shop before the supermarket so I told him I wanted to walk to the pet shop first, then go and get the food.  Nothing I say to him usually stays in his brain; he functions on autopilot and because we have to walk past the supermarket to get to the pet shop I was fully expecting him to walk in to the supermarket and me to have to call him and tell him again we were going somewhere else first.  But no, he walked past the supermarket and carried on to the pet shop without me saying a word.  When we got home, he carried the shopping bags straight in to the kitchen.  Usually he'll dump them by the front door and then I ask him to bring them through.  But he did it without me saying anything.  And then I asked him if he wanted to do an at home cinema day today and watch a film after lunch.  He looked at his calendar and then said, as he had IT work to do today, and we had a busy day tomorrow and Saturday, how about an at home cinema day on Sunday?  I nearly fell off my chair; he never plans ahead, usually has no concept of time and rarely understands why we can't do multiple activities on the same day.  For him to plan ahead like that and take into account what else we're doing was just amazing.  So yes, I'll be interested to see if this continues!

I am really happy that you are doing similar stuff and put me on to this!  It's so good to be able to compare notes on here xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #86 on: February 06, 2020, 11:35:52 AM »
Oh
my
LORD
Tupp
(sed the agnostic).

That all took my breath away.
(As you got yours back. The right
to breathe.)

I am gobsmacked. So happy to read this.

hugs
Hops

Hops, I am gobsmacked, too!  The physical change is remarkable.  No bad back, no stiff neck, no chest pain, walked to the shop today without any problems, had another nap this afternoon!  I did a meditation that I've done many times and in it you're asked to imagine a beam of light coming out of your chest.  I can't usually manage it - in my mind I can usually only see a pale, faltering beam, like a dodgy lightbulb.  Today I was lit up like a lighthouse!  It is quite amazing.  I feel tired now, but in a rested, relaxed way, rather than feeling exhausted and ill.  I can't tell you how good it feels xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #87 on: February 07, 2020, 09:00:27 AM »
FINALLY Tupp!!

This is such a relief for me to read - I can only imagine how big the relief is for you. I can so relate to how trauma takes up residence in our bodies; affects our energy and even moods - EVEN when we're no longer facing trauma/conflict and have created a whole schedule of self-care. I'm so glad you found this.

Something lighter said about it coming back - in a milder form - rings true for me. The whole Holly thing I've recently gone through, was that kind of thing. And yeah - very very little of that experience was MINE; she was projecting that much... and trying to shift blame from one person to another. She stopped and I'm breathing easier again.

Once the newness of this wears off (like things tend to do) I would suggest trying to find a way to repeat that exercise with the T. Practice makes perfect & all that. If you can. This was a HUGE thing to let go for you... so I wouldn't advise repeating the exercise too soon. Our brains still have the familiar neural pathways that they will attempt to trod - even after letting something big go and feeling that relief. It takes TIME for the brain to start to accept that the relief is the "new normal" and permanently alter it's old pathways.

Feeling a motivation - and an acceptance - of the change, will help that process change faster too.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #88 on: February 07, 2020, 12:52:34 PM »
Gob continually smacked.

What hit me in this one Tupp was how much deep sense it makes that suddenly your son was more relaxed himself, better able to focus and access some of his better functioning.

I think that's because when you have been carrying so much anxiety, adrenaline, and a constant raging inner conflict over perfectionism and endless fight-fight-fight...he's been absorbing it.

We all have (oh shit, here I go into woo woo land but I think it's so) a sort of emotional aura, I believe. Yours has been tense and dark and turbulent because of what you've been going through.

I'd imagine that any living being in your vicinity would react when that tension is suddenly absent,  or the emotional background noise is peaceful instead of klaxon.

I am so so so so delighted for you. For you both!

Sunday film day. Pass the popcorn!

Huge hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #89 on: February 07, 2020, 12:53:15 PM »
::Doing the happy dance!!!::

Keep sharing, Tupp.  I love it when you fills us in on the actual process your T takes you through.  I think writing it down helps us internalize it too!  WHOO! HOO!

Lighter