Hi again Tupp--
Wanted to add that your description of "dance church" reminded me of the side of the 60s that felt so good at the time...amid the stupidities of war and too many drugs....there were so many gatherings where the prevailing feeling really was love and acceptance. It was joyful at a time when joy was hard to find.
I hope that feeling will come back as people gather together to push back against the social and political darkness that has re-risen. Dance church reminds me it may not prevail.
Flower power!
Hugs,
Hops (on tenterhooks waiting for caucus results)
Hops I had to look up what caucus meant
Lol, yes, interested to know the outcome of that one as well. And yes, the dance church vibe is very flower power, live and let live. We had a similar resurgence here in the 90s with the rave culture (which I loved at the time); todays youngsters are doing their thing by focusing on the environment and going vegan. Each generation has its alternative to capitalism, I think. I do like the ethos of people mattering, whoever they are and whatever they do. It's a nice feeling.
Anyway - an EMDR update! My euphoria from Dance Church had worn off today by the time I'd done laundry, packed lunches, meds (son and cat!), college kit, paid bills, sent emails, four buses to and from college (one of which I was trapped next to someone I know who does nothing but moan) so I was feeling less perky by the time I got to the EMDR appointment.
Recapped what had happened since last seeing her - no emotion from seeing pictures of school bullies, missing dad, missing mum, heavy cold. She said it was a text book response to releasing old emotion and was a good sign, which was good to hear. Spent a bit of time chatting through it; she's very good at explaining the science behind it as she goes and I like that. Felt comfortable and relaxed.
I asked if we could work on another relatively minor issue from childhood in case I get a cold each time I do something! So we looked at another item I'd written down in our first session, which was the lack of money in childhood. We talked through it a bit, various emotions, shame, a sense of responsibility, guilt, never being good enough and later, anger at mum (always had money for booze and had all sorts of things from her previous wealthy life that she could have sold - jewellery, antiques, fur coats etc - but refused to be parted from) and anger at self for being too hard on myself when younger. Various things came up and went again physically and various layers of emotion came up and went quite quickly. It's an interesting path. We got to me never feeling good enough, and no-one trying to help or rescue me in anyway - not being enough for anyone to want to bother. Worked through that quite quickly and then oh my days, step dad was there in all his glory and I wanted to smash his face straight through a brick wall. I felt sick and anxious and very hot and at that point she stopped the session to check what I wanted to do. We didn't have very long left so it might have been that we couldn't finish him off and I'd go off home with him larger than life and in my face, but I felt like I wanted to carry on so we did.
The emotions came hard and fast, anger, fear, resentment, not just at him but also at others for not protecting me. I wanted to go back to little Tupp and get her out of there and we worked on that. Once she was safe, stepdad was still there, feeling like this big lump in my body that I just couldn't get out - kidney stones came to mind! We carried on working and he started to shift and his image started to disintegrate. We worked some more and he was like little particles of dust in front of me and I joked and said I could finish him off with a feather duster. She handed me a big make up brush (the kind you use for face powder) and said "finish him off with that!". So I did, I scrubbed at the air and we got down to just a few particles. I asked her if we could sweep what was left of him into the waste disposal and flush him away and she said, "do it!" and I did. My legs started to tingle and I felt like I needed to kick them and twirl my feet around. My neck twitched a couple of times and a pain flared in my hip and then suddenly the tension that I always have in my neck and only get momentary relief from when I see the osteopath just vanished. The dirty evil f**ker was gone and he really feels gone. I feel light and airy. I feel like there's a space in my chest I can breath into. My neck feels so loose that I keep twisting it because I can't quite believe it doesn't hurt. I couldn't really speak because I was just so blown away by the way I felt and the fact that he'd gone. Thirty five years. He has dominated and controlled and manipulated my life for thirty five years, even though I haven't seen or spoken to him for nearly twenty. He's just gone. Whether he will stay gone I don't know but I feel like a different person. It's like a pane of glass has been taken down (Lighter, you said something about having your nose to the glass? I get exactly what you mean now, it feels like the division between me and the rest of the world isn't there now. I feel like I could let people in and it would be okay). Phew!
In other news - I have discovered that the reason for son's enthusiasm for college and doing more hours is because he has a crush on a girl in his class
There is talk of a Valentine card and him asking her out for dinner on his birthday next month. I am trying hard to be laid back about it
Lol xx
