Author Topic: What's New for 2020?  (Read 566 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #30 on: January 03, 2020, 04:22:58 AM »
Meant to mention something about therapists as well and forgot :)

Years ago, I had a great therapist who I really liked and who helped me a lot.  The sessions ended abruptly because I got to a session one afternoon and she told me that she didn't feel she could do any more to help me because I wasn't willing/able to work on my step-dad stuff and that was really all that was left to deal with.  I just went home and that was that, never saw her again and it upset me enormously.  Partly because I had felt she was helping, even though she felt she wasn't, partly because I felt like I'd been sacked by her (not a good enough client) and partly because I've always been conscious of not having a real life person to talk to for hours and having to pay someone to listen.  I felt that even with pay, she didn't want to listen to me and that affected me a lot.

I think that might be part of the reason that I've found it difficult with therapists since - any kind of question or challenge from them and I think it elicits that reaction again - I'm going to be rejected, I'll get out first.  So I think I might use that as a first thing to work on with this therapist and see if that sets a better tone for the rest of the sessions.  What do you think?

sKePTiKal

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #31 on: January 04, 2020, 08:39:19 AM »
I think perhaps it would be good to mention it Tupp. It would be necessary to forming a good working relationship with the new T. Having those cards out on the table.

The other thing to think about, is that sometimes, people take a break from therapy - when they come up against something as intense as I imagine your stepdad work would be. Maybe that T was just suggesting a break until you were ready to tackle it and not rejecting you at all. Even though you really felt it that way.

I get what you're saying about paying someone to listen to you. I felt that too, a lot of times. Even though it was the only T I worked with. I'd kinda talk about daily stuff, complain about the same things, etc. There wasn't anything in what I was giving her, to really work on. For me, that was my smokescreen wall, proclaiming absolute control that we weren't going to go any deeper or further than that; that I wasn't yet ready to dive in.

Later on, it was more like we'd sifted things so finely and fully processed the kitchen scraps into fertile black compost that there wasn't any more she could do to help me; I had to step up and do those things myself. Otherwise, I'd become dependent instead of INdependent.

Hmmmmm. Now that I think of it, that's a story I need to tell Hol.
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lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #32 on: January 04, 2020, 10:22:38 PM »
Tupp:

It sounds like your T let her ego overtake her, IMO.  A good T shouldn't push a client into something they aren't ready for, IME. I'm gobsmacked she did that, truly. 

HOpefully the new EMDR gal will have a better handle on herself. 

I'd definitely discuss what happened with the last T. 

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #33 on: January 06, 2020, 05:33:27 AM »
I think perhaps it would be good to mention it Tupp. It would be necessary to forming a good working relationship with the new T. Having those cards out on the table.

The other thing to think about, is that sometimes, people take a break from therapy - when they come up against something as intense as I imagine your stepdad work would be. Maybe that T was just suggesting a break until you were ready to tackle it and not rejecting you at all. Even though you really felt it that way.

I get what you're saying about paying someone to listen to you. I felt that too, a lot of times. Even though it was the only T I worked with. I'd kinda talk about daily stuff, complain about the same things, etc. There wasn't anything in what I was giving her, to really work on. For me, that was my smokescreen wall, proclaiming absolute control that we weren't going to go any deeper or further than that; that I wasn't yet ready to dive in.

Later on, it was more like we'd sifted things so finely and fully processed the kitchen scraps into fertile black compost that there wasn't any more she could do to help me; I had to step up and do those things myself. Otherwise, I'd become dependent instead of INdependent.

Hmmmmm. Now that I think of it, that's a story I need to tell Hol.

Thanks, Skep, yes, it can be difficult, getting to a point where you can open up, or getting to a point where you can figure it out on your own.  It's hard to know where the line is and which way to do.  I will mention it to this new T; it did make me wonder if that's the reason that I've found it hard to stick with a therapist since.  I do hear criticism and rejection where there probably isn't any (or not any intended, anyway).  So I will speak to her about it.  I love your compost analogy :)  Lol xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #34 on: January 06, 2020, 05:36:41 AM »
Tupp:

It sounds like your T let her ego overtake her, IMO.  A good T shouldn't push a client into something they aren't ready for, IME. I'm gobsmacked she did that, truly. 

HOpefully the new EMDR gal will have a better handle on herself. 

I'd definitely discuss what happened with the last T. 

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter.  It was a bit out of the blue - a bit of a shock.  Up until that point I'd had a really good, trusting relationship with her and it did feel a bit abrupt.  But equally she could have carried on seeing me knowing she wasn't doing anything and just taking my money, so in a way it was good that she said she didn't feel she could do anymore.  Just perhaps might have been a bit easier if she'd discussed it with me at the end of a session and given me a bit of time to think about it all.  It just felt very abrupt.  I sat down to start the session, she said what she said, I didn't really know what to say and then she said I could go home and think about it if I wanted to, so I left only five minutes after I got there.  So it was a bit out of the blue and unexpected.  But I'll mention it to the new lady and we'll see how it goes.

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #35 on: January 06, 2020, 05:56:35 AM »
Well I am still behind on the board!  But am trying to catch up a bit now.

We visited the commune yesterday.  They do a community day ever Sunday.  They start with two hours of Dance Church, which is a family friendly party, two hours of music with people dancing around in any way they want to.  Then they have a community lunch, and in the afternoon a singing workshop.  There is a small charge for each event, to cover costs, and people are free to turn up and dip in and out of everything - all very informal and laid back.

My anxiety was through the roof and I almost didn't go in.  I had a million thoughts going through my head about getting there, who might be there, how son would be, what it would be like, what would they think of me, what if someone was mean to son, and so on.  We rang the bell and a young lad of about twelve came and let us in and then wandered off so we stood in the hall for a few minutes.  Then a man came out of the kitchen and led us through to the event room, which is a large room up a flight of stairs.  It's a beautiful space, with a large vaulted ceiling and huge windows across the outer wall.  The view was stunning; they've a large garden that was full of kids running about and a few bare footed men.  Beyond the garden is literally miles of fields, as far as you can see, with hills off in the distance.  Really lovely.

We were a bit early so I made polite conversation with the DJ, who was very nice and friendly.  People started arriving, the music started and people started to dance.  I felt so stiff and self-conscious that I was barely moving and my anxiety was very bad still.  But as I looked around the room and saw more and more people coming in, the range of people there was amazing.  The youngest was probably about 18 months, so cute, dancing with their mum and dad.  There were various kids wandering in and out, dancing with people, going off again, sitting in the corner where someone had made a tent out of a blanket.  The eldest was a man who I would guess was in his eighties, who had more energy than anyone else there.  It was a real mix of people - some you wouldn't look twice at if you passed in the street, others looked as if they might be circus performers or something.  Some people just sort of swayed with their eyes closed, some were really energetic, some - like me - just sort of bopped about a bit.

People were very smiley and very friendly.  A lot of them obviously knew each other, there were lots of warm hugs and embraces.  Some people danced with others, some danced alone.  I did start to relax as the session went on and realised just how bad my anxiety is now, and how worried I am constantly about how I look, what I say, how I am and so on.  It was a bit of a wake up call.  It made me realise how I am just a shell of my former self now, and it made me determined to change.

I am going to work really hard on myself now, and on how I feel and what I do, not how things look on the outside.  I felt very welcome and wanted there and it was nice; I haven't felt like that for a long time.  There wasn't a lot of talking, because of the music, but people smiled if they caught your eye.  At the end there was some circle work, holding hands, deep breathing, sharing a word to close the session and a brief meditation.  It felt nice and very genuine.

We didn't stay for lunch; son hadn't really enjoyed it as it wasn't the sort of music he liked so he'd spend the whole time looking out of the window.  I had a really nice time, in a quiet, inside way.  It just made me realise how different my life is now, how little of it I feel is my own, how much I've changed from someone with a career and friends and family with hopes and dreams to someone who is lost and feels very alone.

I have put thoughts of moving to one side for now.  I feel like I really need to work on myself so that I feel more confident and more comfortable.  I would love to go back there, although we won't have a car now which will make it difficult.  But they do working holidays there and AirBNB so we could go and stay sometimes, or when we have a car again in the future visit more regularly.  I would definitely like to get to know the people better and use it as a way to reconnect with myself.  I woke up this morning feeling determined to change things, feel better, get my life to a place where the day is enjoyable, rather than being an endurance test.  I've lost my way over the years and that session helped me see that, so I'm really glad I went now.

I will update as more happens :) xx

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #36 on: January 07, 2020, 01:08:07 PM »
Hi, Tupp:

I was thinking about college, and how your son really wants to visit with his friends, not attend class.

When my girls were homeschooling we visited their old school and the girls participated in class... usually several days in a row, monthly.  It was nice to keep the social contact, and everyone enjoyed it.

You might find you're welcome to bring your son to visit his old class and it works out well for everyone, depending on the framework.  Maybe set up an hour for something like show and tell once a week where everyone has something to share with the class?  Maybe it could be during lunch if it doesn't seem the teachers are open to it?

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #37 on: January 12, 2020, 05:12:07 AM »
Hi, Tupp:

I was thinking about college, and how your son really wants to visit with his friends, not attend class.

When my girls were homeschooling we visited their old school and the girls participated in class... usually several days in a row, monthly.  It was nice to keep the social contact, and everyone enjoyed it.

You might find you're welcome to bring your son to visit his old class and it works out well for everyone, depending on the framework.  Maybe set up an hour for something like show and tell once a week where everyone has something to share with the class?  Maybe it could be during lunch if it doesn't seem the teachers are open to it?

Lighter

That's a good idea, Lighter, I will add it to my list of possibilities :)  Son enjoyed the two days he went in, but it took us both two days to recover and then another two days to catch up on everything that didn't get done.  I think part of the problem for me is just going there has a physical impact on both of us - him because of the sensory issues, me because of the PTSD type stuff.  It is what it is; I've decided to stick with it all the time he wants to carry on, give or take the odd day if it really feels like too much and the duvet is beckoning.  What I do like about using the bus is the social aspect; people are friendly, as are the bus drivers for the most part, and the cats!  Cats are just everywhere and so many of them come over for a stroke, they are funny.

I am trying really hard to just be, to observe and think and take it all in, rather than putting on a front and constantly reaching for something that isn't there.  I do find it incredibly hard and two things occurred to me when I woke up this morning.  One is that I've never really been myself around people.  I think when your own family reject who you are from a young age being yourself becomes very scary.  Add to that the number of people who've vanished from my life when I've stopped doing what they want and it becomes apparent that keeping your real self tucked away seems sensible!  But I don't want to do it anymore, and being around those people last week who were such a mixture and who just shared time in a very real way was a revelation.  They struck me as being people who might be able to accept something less than perfection and who might focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't.

The other thing that struck me this morning is the disconnection with reality, and I feel like I see it all around me now.  The ravaging of the planet, the wars, the over consumption, and on a more personal level, not being able to be myself, not being able to cope with the public sector, my mum's lifetime of refusal to deal with what is going on in her own life.  It just seems to be everywhere and I don't want to add to that with my own refusal to be brave enough to be who I am and cope with the rejection if other people don't like that.  That seemed to be ringing very true today.

The anxiety meds are helping a lot and I'm seeing the EMDR lady for the first time this week.  I'm not sleeping well again - I think going back to college has triggered that - and son is rocking a lot more and making noises that he can't control, but we'll both keep working on relaxing and regulating our systems and hopefully that will all settle down a bit more over time.  I'm still trying to eat better, drink more water, rest more and get the yoga in each day.  The daylight hours are increasing here now and that helps.

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #38 on: January 14, 2020, 11:45:51 AM »
Well I am in love with the EMDR lady :)  First session today, we did some mind mapping/brain storming stuff.  She gave me small pieces of paper and asked me to write very briefly - one or two words - as many negative experiences (or people) that I felt were problematic, and then as many positive experiences (or people) as I felt I had, throughout my life - just anything that felt important.

I wrote it very quickly - the negatives outweighed the positives but I liked having the positives in front of me and we laid everything out on the table.  Then she asked me to talk her through each note and give a bit more detail, which I did, with her asking questions along the way for clarity and to check details.  Then she asked me to arrange them in any way I saw fit, so I sort of grouped things together in terms of their connections to each other or to certain people.  I do feel that the original child protection thing has had the biggest impact so I put that at the top of all the son related stuff and then everything else kind of fell down from that.

After talking through that a bit more she talked me through the brain functions, explaining that the front bit controls speech and cognitive skills, whilst the back bit is the primitive, set in survival mode bit.  She said that is why the law of attraction/power of positive thinking/mindfulness stuff is of no use when it's the back bit of your brain that's stuck - it's working on reflexes and is stuck in fear mode and it doesn't matter how often you tell it it doesn't need to be scared because it can't hear you.  That on its own was a big relief, that she wasn't going to tell me to think about it differently or reframe it.  She talked through being in a safe zone and what happens when your safe zone is very narrow (she had various diagrams and sheets to help explain things) and it just all made so much sense.  I really felt 'heard'.  She mentioned narcissism in relation to my mum, without me saying anything about it, and gaslighting in relation to my mum's actions and the actions of many of the public sector workers we've had to deal with, again without me using the term.  It just felt like we were on the same page and she gets it, which was a huge relief.  I'm seeing her again next week when we'll be getting on with it!  I'm very tired now but more in a relieved way?  Which is nice :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #39 on: January 14, 2020, 12:17:27 PM »
Oh wow, ((((Tupp))))!

I'm in love with her too! I could not be more thrilled to hear this. Maybe THIS is the path that's going to get you to within howitzer-blasting distance of the trolls that live in your lizard brain. I am over the moon about it.

I loved what you said about the built-in habit of believing it's not safe to be yourself among others. That struck me as a huge insight.

And the fear of rejection.

Both of those are such direct and clear targets you can work on.

You are SO ready to do this work, and to trust the T.

Yippee,
Hops

PS Also understood more viscerally from this post how draining it is with son, his increased rocking and noise making when he's overstimulated or tired. It makes so much sense.
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #40 on: January 14, 2020, 01:19:58 PM »
Wow, Tupp.  It's lovely when someone who gets it, really SEES our POV.  Not everyone can, and that's OK, but it's detrimental when we really need to get into the nitty gritty of banishing trauma in our brains,  IME. 

I think Trauma Ts aren't shocked, expect the shocking and know how to unhook the lizard brain so it can calm down and get on with processing AND whats in front of us.  So glad that went well.  Did she give you any homework or reading?

I'm amazed you continue with full time school for ds, considering the costs to you both, while keeping the door open for changes.  You're such a great mom.

Here's to a new year of self care, self discovery and calming the brain down.  You're so deserving of trauma resolution and what's beyond. ((Tupp.))

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #41 on: January 16, 2020, 08:31:41 AM »
Thank you both :)  I am being cautiously optimistic but ........................ I think it's helping already??!  I didn't expect any change as the first session was really just to have a chat and decide if it was worth going forward but I woke up the next day, and this morning, without the usual feeling of dread that I see to carry in my chest constantly.  I've slept better both nights and although we've had an incident at college and a problem with the local hospital, both of which would have just knocked me for six only a week ago, I kind of feel alright?  There was a reaction, it did annoy me, I have read a couple of people the riot act but I don't feel shaky, I'm not struggling to breath, I've no chest pain and I was able to get on with sorting out the dinner and catching up with a bit of online banking, instead of having to hide under the duvet until I've calmed down.  The endless chatter in my head seems to have calmed down and I'm not feeling overwhelmed by my To Do list - in fact, I'm finding I'm surprised at how quickly I'm getting things done.  And when I was sat watching TV last night I looked around my sitting room and thought it looked quite cosy.  Usually I sit here thinking it's a dump?  So I'm not sure if it could have done something that fast, but I am making the most of it while I can!

Lighter, son is only doing two days a week at college, I couldn't cope with full time (and neither could he).  Two days seems to be working okay for now and we're carrying on with our trips to the library and various other things we do alongside it.

I am imagining a life where I'm not constantly having to cope with how I feel and I have to say it is a very nice thing to imagine! xx

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #42 on: January 16, 2020, 11:55:13 AM »
(((((Tupp)))))

Nearly brought tears to think of you waking in the morning without anxiety surging through you. Anxiety which does NOTHING for you, ever, changes nothing, advances nothing, protects nothing.

I will personally make a statue of your new T and erect it anywhere you and she chooses. I just need the heroic pose.

Nahhh. Actually, I would prefer to make a hero-statue of YOU. You are so brave, and persistent, and determined, and you overcame your resistance to seeking T-help and now....help is here.

Happy dancing...big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #43 on: January 16, 2020, 07:40:00 PM »
Ah... college 2 days only.  Seems reasonable, but I wouldn't blame you for taking a complete break for a while. 

Believe it's permanent, tupp..... the ease and calm in your brain and body.  Believe 100% it's here to stay and know there's more to come.  Your brain just needs a chance to calm down, finish processing the stuck stuff and get on with functioning properly again.  It's easy.  It happens in a millisecond. 

Lighter



 


Bettyanne

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #44 on: January 16, 2020, 08:47:35 PM »
Wow.....
Well before I said anything about where I'm at......
I wish everyone lots of love....whether you have someone in your life or not.....
Feel good about yourself even it you were never showed that....
Make it the way you can.....feel good about yourself....I know it depends where you're at!!!!!!!
I had so much negativity in my life as a kid...but I read this today so here goes..

I didn't grow up having role models.
I grew up having people I didn't want to be like and seeing situation I didn't want to be in.
Not all of us are dealt the right cards, but that doesn't mean we can't reshuffle the deck
for a better outcome.

I like reading this....because for sure I agree with it.....
My dear husband has cancer and all I can do is pray and hope for the best...
I saw my dad have cancer and I saw my NM take his pain medicine and replace it with sugar.....yes your read that right
SUGAR....he was dying...a sweet good man...but I learned I would never do that.....NEVER ever....

Lots of Love and good things......in the days ahead for your all
Bettyanne