Thank you, Skep and Hops - I wrote a long reply earlier and then the computer went a bit mad and it vanished so I'm doing a shorter version now!
I did fall on my bum over the weekend - a terrible sense of self hatred came up so strongly and felt like something very hard and heavy inside my stomach. My back was killing me for two days, which was so odd as those aches had gone the week before. To feel them come back as the emotional stuff came up was very peculiar.
So that was what we worked on in the session. We talked about it a bit first, she explained a bit of the science behind physical pain and emotional trauma, explicit and implicit memory (explicit being the stuff you remember clearly in the logical part of your mind, implicit being the stuff that you feel and is stored in your body but you don't always have an explicit memory attached to) and then we got going.
The speed with which it works just blows my mind, and I said to her the trouble I'm having is that my brain can't process what I'm experiencing quickly enough - it's so deep and so fast that my logical mind can't keep up. But basically as we started, I was in a lot of pain in the whole top half of my body and I could see very clearly little Tupp, sitting in the corner with her face to the wall, feeling universally loathed and despised - utterly worthless, pointless and unnecessary.
We worked through a bit and the pain started to move, changing into a very tight band of pressure around my chest. The sadness I felt for that little girl was overwhelming and when we stopped to talk about it I said that I felt angry at my mum for not loving me enough, but that I also felt guilty about blaming her for that because I know no-one did it for her - she had an abusive childhood and hasn't had a great adult life either, so I felt unfair blaming her.
What the T said at that point was really interesting and very helpful. She said I don't need to blame anyone. I can acknowledge and accept that my mum didn't give me what I needed, and that it affected me, and that she couldn't do anymore than she did, because she didn't know how. And probably her mum didn't, and her mum before, and her mum before that, and so on. She said it's perfectly possible to acknowledge the reality of everyone involved in the situation and it doesn't need to be anyone's fault. I don't need to blame myself and I don't need to blame my mum. I can acknowledge what she did affected me negatively, and I can acknowledge that she couldn't do any better - and it's fine that that's the case. I don't need to blame her or me and I don't need to feel guilty, or that I'm condoning the behaviour.
That was such an eye opener for me. I have always felt that it's either got to be my fault or hers. To have someone say, "you don't need to. It was what it was, it is what it is, and you don't need to blame either one of you" - that just felt huge. And a big relief.
So we carried on. As we kept working, the pain kept moving and kept diminishing. Little Tupp started to look up and look around her, started to want to interact with other people. In my mind I saw her smile and run off to play with the other children and in that moment the loneliness of my childhood hit me like a train and I burst into tears. I very rarely cry in front of people and I rarely burst like that. It took me by surprise and I couldn't stop. T told me not to try to control it, just to let it out, welcome it, let it carry the trauma associated with it away.
So I had a good cry, and then explained to the T that no-one wanted to play with me when I was little. There were two other outcasts at school, an overweight girl from a travelling family that everyone bullied and a smelly girl that no-one wanted to play with either. I used to play with them at break time and when I was older (and we were allowed to use the library at break) I just used to sit in there and read.
We kept working, the pain kept reducing and little Tupp started to fade as she played happily with the other kids. I was very rocked by the whole thing and we spent time at the end of the session just breathing and the T uses these singing bowls she has to create nice sounds. I could have quite easily gone to sleep in the chair.
She advised me to go for a walk and to try not to think too much, to just let things settle into place and then have a cup of tea. I walked around the edge of town by the river and as I did I realised how much I still neglect and deprive myself, in just the same way my mum did when I was little. I keep myself alone, I don't buy myself nice things very often, the fridge isn't full of nice treats, and so on. I didn't apportion blame - we were very skint when I was a kid and there just wasn't the money for unnecessary items, and there isn't much now. But - as if by magic, I was passing a charity shop and there was a picture for sale, very cheap, that I really liked - so I bought it. I got to college a bit early and usually I would just stand and wait outside for him to come out. But I went in to the student cafe and bought myself a coffee and sat and read my book for a bit.
I think it's going to be alright
It's the physical changes that amaze me the most. When I went in to the session my shoulders were so stiff I couldn't swing my arms up over my head. I tried it again after the session and I was able to spin them like a windmill. Amazing. I feel tired but in a nice way.
Son has decided to invite all of his college friends out for his birthday, not just the girl. I am slightly relieved as I was a bit worried she might say no, or that if she did come he might spend all night doing Spongebob impressions at her. I did think it a funny coincidence that last night he just wanted to invite her - and then after my session about being lonely in childhood he wanted to invite everyone. The T said that your kids can and do pick up on changes in you, good or bad, as I'd mentioned he seemed to be more switched on last week after I'd seen her. Either way it is a good thing and I'm really glad he's got some friends to go out with on his birthday (in fact that for me has made it worth moving here now).
Phew! I'm going to tidy up, have a bath and go to bed
xx
