Author Topic: What's New for 2020?  (Read 1124 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #90 on: February 07, 2020, 01:38:50 PM »
Aw, thanks, you guys :)

Thank you, Skep :)  I genuinely had no idea that trauma could take such a physical form, I really didn't.  I'd read about that sort of stuff but I put it down to the realms of tension headaches or upset stomachs.  The change in me physically has been huge; I'm glad I'm writing it all down because I think I'm likely to forget and I don't want to!  It's been so amazing (I'm going to write about it a bit more at the end of the post, I just wanted to reply to each of you first).  And I'm glad Holly has pulled back a bit, I didn't like to think of you there with everyone else's stuff to deal with on top of yours and Buck's situation so I'm glad that has levelled out a bit for you xx

Hops, my gob is smacked, too!  Yes, I do know what you mean about emotional auras, it does all sound a bit woo woo but we do put out certain vibes (and pick up on them) so yes, it makes sense that, even though I've done my best to hide it from him, he's picked up on it in a different way.  Will be so amazing if we both benefit from this!  Even the cat seems more relaxed (although to be fair she's also just had some teeth out so is probably more comfortable than she was so her relaxation may be less woo woo than ours :)  Lol xx

Lighter, I genuinely danced for an hour, at home, for an hour last night - just put on the music and leapt about.  It was wonderful :)  And now for today's update!

I felt tired yesterday in a relaxed and sleepy way so I just kind of went with it - watched some TV, read a bit, pottered around a bit and didn't push myself too much.  My neck was a little bit achy so I wondered if step-dad wasn't quite vanquished and as I thought about him my neck kind of twitched, so I think we will do some more work on him next week.  But .................................

I can lift my arms above my head and windmill them around - I've never been able to do that, in my life.  My neck and shoulders have always been too stiff (that was why I started dancing, when I realised I could windmill lol).  My jaw is usually so tight that I have to wear a mouthguard at night because I grind my teeth so much that they're disintegrating.  I see the osteopath to get it freed up periodically and I try to do a yoga routine each day to help keep my jaw relaxed.

One of the exercises in it is rotating your head gently around the point your spine meets your skull - the socket's like a dent about half way up the back of your head so you keep your neck still  and move your head gently around that point - about ten rotations one way and ten the other.  Usually when I do it I can literally feel the joint grinding and crunching and I get a tingling sensation through my head (nerves jangling, I've always assumed).  It did it today and nothing - not a crunch, not a jolt, not a tingle.  Smooth as silk.

We caught the bus into town this morning; son had acupunture and then we went to the library.  Caught the bus out of town and went for lunch, then caught another bus back to town and went to the cinema.  We have been approached all day by very friendly dogs and had a really nice chat with several ladies at various bus stops along the way.  We popped into my son's favourite toy shop to have a look at the Lego (which we do every time we pass it) and the lady who runs it came down with three big ex-display Lego sets, in cases, for my son to have - free of charge.  They're amazing and one of them lights up like a nightlight as well.  I couldn't believe it.

We're home now; usually a day like that would finish me and I'd just collapse when we got in the door - but I feel alright.  My neck is aching a bit and I am tired, but I feel like some dinner and a bath is all I need.   Whether I'll be ruined tomorrow remains to be seen but at the minute I feel like someone has reset me and taken me back to pre-child energy levels.  I'm astounded at the physical changes more than anything else, but also that the sort of nagging echo that's there constantly just isn't there.  I haven't given other people a thought all day, yet usually I have almost like a narration in my head of what everyone else is doing, and/or expecting me to do.  And it just hasn't been there.  I am truly amazed. xx

lighter

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #91 on: February 08, 2020, 12:32:47 PM »
Ya... that feeling of moving on rails... without drag.... no chatter going on around us.... just IN the moment... flowing.  It's wonderful, Tupp and I'm so happy to read your update.

Remember you can always sit with the pain when it pops up, breathe and pay attention to it.  Maybe do some EMDR around it yourself, give it a number.... breathe spaciousness INTO the pain.... check it and so forth till it's gone OR stops improving. 

I'll be interested to hear how you and your neck are doing today!

The LEGOS made me so happy TOO! 

And the physical release you're experiencing... I'm guessing you've been dealing with the pain since you were under so much stress as a child.  I didn't have that kind of stress till I was in my 40's and I NOTICED all over the place. On this board.  How stress just wrecked my body,  in new and unexpected ways... once I was stuck on the bathroom floor unable to get up... my back and neck.... the floor was 105 degrees and I FELT NOTHING. 

It's amazing you're free from pain and crunching in your neck after a bit of trauma work.  I guess you're dealing with the cause and removing it rather than dealing with and treating symptoms.... all the difference, IME.  And it makes complete sense when you have someone explaining the WHY of the process.

Very very happy for you, Tupp!  And very happy for DS too: )

I can't get this smile off my face. 

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #92 on: February 09, 2020, 04:56:42 AM »
Ya... that feeling of moving on rails... without drag.... no chatter going on around us.... just IN the moment... flowing.  It's wonderful, Tupp and I'm so happy to read your update.

Remember you can always sit with the pain when it pops up, breathe and pay attention to it.  Maybe do some EMDR around it yourself, give it a number.... breathe spaciousness INTO the pain.... check it and so forth till it's gone OR stops improving. 

I'll be interested to hear how you and your neck are doing today!

The LEGOS made me so happy TOO! 

And the physical release you're experiencing... I'm guessing you've been dealing with the pain since you were under so much stress as a child.  I didn't have that kind of stress till I was in my 40's and I NOTICED all over the place. On this board.  How stress just wrecked my body,  in new and unexpected ways... once I was stuck on the bathroom floor unable to get up... my back and neck.... the floor was 105 degrees and I FELT NOTHING. 

It's amazing you're free from pain and crunching in your neck after a bit of trauma work.  I guess you're dealing with the cause and removing it rather than dealing with and treating symptoms.... all the difference, IME.  And it makes complete sense when you have someone explaining the WHY of the process.

Very very happy for you, Tupp!  And very happy for DS too: )

I can't get this smile off my face. 

Lighter

Aw, the Lego is so great, I'm meaning to re-do his bedroom and this has spurred me on to get it done, we'll need to re-arrange to get the new stuff in so it's a good opportunity to get it re-done now.

I'm going to write what's been going on and it might be a bit haphazard but here goes!

Did feel tired and achy yesterday (Saturday); nowhere near as much as I would have expected after doing so much on Friday but also noticed specific incidents re mum and step-dad have been surfacing and, as they have, shoulder pain has returned and energy has diminished.  Very interesting to me to be able to clearly mark this link between emotional trauma and physical pain and stiffness.  But yesterday was still a good day.  We stocked up on groceries in the morning and went to the arcade in the afternoon.  I didn't have my usual sense of panic to get things done and work out what time to do things - we went when we were ready and got home when we finished and it was all fine.  Was tired but slept well.  Have woken up with a stiff neck this morning and had a very vivid dream about my mum.  I was living with her, at the age I am now, and looking after her.  It's just the two of us and she throws me out, knowing I have no money and nowhere to go.  She doesn't care, she just doesn't want me around, even after all I've done for her.  I woke feeling very upset and unsettled but also okay about it because I honestly feel now that I am constructively working my way through all of this.  For the first time I feel like I can lean in to the process and it's alright, because I feel safe.  I feel like I can wobble, fall down and get back up.  The over-riding sense of dread - that if I let my guard down he'll get back in - isn't there now, so I feel safe enough to work on everything else.  And that feels good.

sKePTiKal

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #93 on: February 09, 2020, 08:27:08 AM »
Ahhhhhhh..... sounds like you're FINALLY feeling safe, Tupp. Yeah, there's a ton of joy & relief & giddiness to be had in that feeling.

You deserve to feel ALL of that, sweetie. And giggle.
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Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #94 on: February 09, 2020, 03:26:26 PM »
Quote
I honestly feel now that I am constructively working my way through all of this.  For the first time I feel like I can lean in to the process and it's alright, because I feel safe.

You ARE.

Working constructively.

And safe.

So tickled, delighted, whooooo-aaaahhhhing for you over here!

Seriously, Tupp. What a change in the path.
You kept on climbing and you have found a new view.
Change DOES come. You're seeing it with your own eyes.

I'm so deeply pleased for you.
It's just enormously wonderful.
You can trip and land on your bum now and then but you have a good compass now.
You're going to see new view after inspiring view, because you never gave up.

You awe me.

Hugs,
Hops
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Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #95 on: February 11, 2020, 02:05:15 PM »
Thank you, Skep and Hops - I wrote a long reply earlier and then the computer went a bit mad and it vanished so I'm doing a shorter version now!

I did fall on my bum over the weekend - a terrible sense of self hatred came up so strongly and felt like something very hard and heavy inside my stomach.  My back was killing me for two days, which was so odd as those aches had gone the week before.  To feel them come back as the emotional stuff came up was very peculiar.

So that was what we worked on in the session.  We talked about it a bit first, she explained a bit of the science behind physical pain and emotional trauma, explicit and implicit memory (explicit being the stuff you remember clearly in the logical part of your mind, implicit being the stuff that you feel and is stored in your body but you don't always have an explicit memory attached to) and then we got going.

The speed with which it works just blows my mind, and I said to her the trouble I'm having is that my brain can't process what I'm experiencing quickly enough - it's so deep and so fast that my logical mind can't keep up.  But basically as we started, I was in a lot of pain in the whole top half of my body and I could see very clearly little Tupp, sitting in the corner with her face to the wall, feeling universally loathed and despised - utterly worthless, pointless and unnecessary.

We worked through a bit and the pain started to move, changing into a very tight band of pressure around my chest.  The sadness I felt for that little girl was overwhelming and when we stopped to talk about it I said that I felt angry at my mum for not loving me enough, but that I also felt guilty about blaming her for that because I know no-one did it for her - she had an abusive childhood and hasn't had a great adult life either, so I felt unfair blaming her.

What the T said at that point was really interesting and very helpful.  She said I don't need to blame anyone.  I can acknowledge and accept that my mum didn't give me what I needed, and that it affected me, and that she couldn't do anymore than she did, because she didn't know how.  And probably her mum didn't, and her mum before, and her mum before that, and so on.  She said it's perfectly possible to acknowledge the reality of everyone involved in the situation and it doesn't need to be anyone's fault.  I don't need to blame myself and I don't need to blame my mum.  I can acknowledge what she did affected me negatively, and I can acknowledge that she couldn't do any better - and it's fine that that's the case.  I don't need to blame her or me and I don't need to feel guilty, or that I'm condoning the behaviour.

That was such an eye opener for me.  I have always felt that it's either got to be my fault or hers.  To have someone say, "you don't need to.  It was what it was, it is what it is, and you don't need to blame either one of you" - that just felt huge.  And a big relief.

So we carried on.  As we kept working, the pain kept moving and kept diminishing.  Little Tupp started to look up and look around her, started to want to interact with other people.  In my mind I saw her smile and run off to play with the other children and in that moment the loneliness of my childhood hit me like a train and I burst into tears.  I very rarely cry in front of people and I rarely burst like that.  It took me by surprise and I couldn't stop.  T told me not to try to control it, just to let it out, welcome it, let it carry the trauma associated with it away.

So I had a good cry, and then explained to the T that no-one wanted to play with me when I was little.  There were two other outcasts at school, an overweight girl from a travelling family that everyone bullied and a smelly girl that no-one wanted to play with either.  I used to play with them at break time and when I was older (and we were allowed to use the library at break) I just used to sit in there and read.

We kept working, the pain kept reducing and little Tupp started to fade as she played happily with the other kids.  I was very rocked by the whole thing and we spent time at the end of the session just breathing and the T uses these singing bowls she has to create nice sounds.  I could have quite easily gone to sleep in the chair.

She advised me to go for a walk and to try not to think too much, to just let things settle into place and then have a cup of tea.  I walked around the edge of town by the river and as I did I realised how much I still neglect and deprive myself, in just the same way my mum did when I was little.  I keep myself alone, I don't buy myself nice things very often, the fridge isn't full of nice treats, and so on.  I didn't apportion blame - we were very skint when I was a kid and there just wasn't the money for unnecessary items, and there isn't much now.  But - as if by magic, I was passing a charity shop and there was a picture for sale, very cheap, that I really liked - so I bought it.  I got to college a bit early and usually I would just stand and wait outside for him to come out.  But I went in to the student cafe and bought myself a coffee and sat and read my book for a bit.

I think it's going to be alright :)  It's the physical changes that amaze me the most.  When I went in to the session my shoulders were so stiff I couldn't swing my arms up over my head.  I tried it again after the session and I was able to spin them like a windmill.  Amazing.  I feel tired but in a nice way.

Son has decided to invite all of his college friends out for his birthday, not just the girl.  I am slightly relieved as I was a bit worried she might say no, or that if she did come he might spend all night doing Spongebob impressions at her.  I did think it a funny coincidence that last night he just wanted to invite her - and then after my session about being lonely in childhood he wanted to invite everyone.  The T said that your kids can and do pick up on changes in you, good or bad, as I'd mentioned he seemed to be more switched on last week after I'd seen her.  Either way it is a good thing and I'm really glad he's got some friends to go out with on his birthday (in fact that for me has made it worth moving here now).

Phew!  I'm going to tidy up, have a bath and go to bed :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #96 on: February 11, 2020, 05:10:48 PM »
Tupp, if I could be any more gobsmacked I'd have to be gobhammered.

My lonely little-Hops heart went DIRECTLY to your terrible loneliness as a wee one.
I understand that awful feeling into my cells.

To hear how you allowed it, faced the story, recognized and validated little Tupp, released the heartbreak of her past-present and then guided her to a new story in your actual present....moved me very much.

May we never stop reaching out to other human beings, trusting that we can choose better and and choose the right people enough of the time, and believing in the possibility of good things also happening, for as long as we live!

Mega hugs,
Hops

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Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #97 on: February 13, 2020, 03:30:32 PM »
Tupp, if I could be any more gobsmacked I'd have to be gobhammered.

My lonely little-Hops heart went DIRECTLY to your terrible loneliness as a wee one.
I understand that awful feeling into my cells.

To hear how you allowed it, faced the story, recognized and validated little Tupp, released the heartbreak of her past-present and then guided her to a new story in your actual present....moved me very much.

May we never stop reaching out to other human beings, trusting that we can choose better and and choose the right people enough of the time, and believing in the possibility of good things also happening, for as long as we live!

Mega hugs,
Hops

Hopsie, my computer's been doing weird things, I wrote a long reply this morning and it vanished!  I've got the Gremlins in, I think :)  And I think 'I'm gobhammered' would be good on a T shirt :)  Lol.

I am pretty gobhammered, too!  It was such a deep and raw experience (the childhood loneliness bit), so intense, and yet within five minutes, it was gone and I've been fine ever since.

I've carried on with my 'being nicer to myself' thing, without even really trying.  There's a posh charity shop in town - everything's second hand, but it's all designer labels.  I've walked past it loads but never been in.  Anyway, I went in on Wednesday and bought myself a nice top, which I'm wearing as we speak!  Pretty, rather than functional, and red - I don't have a single item of red clothing in my wardrobe.  I went to meet a mum this afternoon who's thinking about home educating her son, we had a nice chat and it was easy.  I wasn't putting on a front, I didn't have three other conversations going on in my mind at the same time and I wasn't exhausted when I left.  She's very nice, has two lovely kids and lives a short walk away.  It was nice.

Son has almost three weeks off now and I am already enjoying the sense of not having to rush around.  Makes me feel so much better.  I'm waiting to see if anything 'big' comes up after this last session but so far, nothing else is pushing its way to the front and I'm liking that feeling as well :) xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #98 on: February 15, 2020, 08:58:08 AM »
Oh Tupp... I can soooo relate to what you experienced!! Even though my therapy was different (methods) - I had the very same experience of seeing my little self alone and so very bereft and sad. And yes, I know how we store trauma in our bodies.

The weird internalization of continuing to deny yourself pleasure bears more looking at over time; LOL - for me too. I was trying to explain it to Buck last night. In my case, it was directly about spending money in ways that I will ultimately benefit - the master bed/bath remodel, the Holly Hut... buying a plow for the garden.

If I can be ruthlessly honest a minute, I believe that feeling I have won't go completely away because I heard a sneaky Wormtongue voice in my head, telling me I was being SOOOOOO selfish. But if I use my "big girl brain" - and look at those 3 expenditures, other people will directly benefit too: Buck & obviously Holly & Steve. They'll have their very OWN house - to their liking even; and Buck won't hurt himself trying to step over the super-tall tub walls of that old jacuzzi tub (which is now in pieces on the "trash" trailer. The plow will let me FINALLY feed all these people REALLY fresh, good food.

In your case - feeling better is benefiting DS too. And you're able to relax around new people, and help them a bit too. I don't think I'll EVER become a spendthrift... but I do need to ease up on my self, when that reflex emotional aversion or worry about spending a little (to get a lasting benefit) comes up.

Maybe the last "reinforcement" of worrying about money comes from a Jimmy Buffett song that Mike was particularly fond of because for him it was true: In "A Pirate Looks at 40", there's a line - "made enough money to buy Miami and pissed it all away again". And Mike revelled in that mindset - which is why I was in control of finances - LOL.

Buck is like me; with the mindset of Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind (right before Intermission) when she vows she'll never be hungry again. LOL.

I remember what it felt like to go through what you just did Tupp; I'm smiling ear to ear for ya! I just wanna hug ya! That's such freedom... and I will tell you - even though the "old stuff" will return JUST in an echo of before... the freedom LASTS. You can trust it.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #99 on: February 16, 2020, 04:50:30 AM »
Oh Tupp... I can soooo relate to what you experienced!! Even though my therapy was different (methods) - I had the very same experience of seeing my little self alone and so very bereft and sad. And yes, I know how we store trauma in our bodies.

The weird internalization of continuing to deny yourself pleasure bears more looking at over time; LOL - for me too. I was trying to explain it to Buck last night. In my case, it was directly about spending money in ways that I will ultimately benefit - the master bed/bath remodel, the Holly Hut... buying a plow for the garden.

If I can be ruthlessly honest a minute, I believe that feeling I have won't go completely away because I heard a sneaky Wormtongue voice in my head, telling me I was being SOOOOOO selfish. But if I use my "big girl brain" - and look at those 3 expenditures, other people will directly benefit too: Buck & obviously Holly & Steve. They'll have their very OWN house - to their liking even; and Buck won't hurt himself trying to step over the super-tall tub walls of that old jacuzzi tub (which is now in pieces on the "trash" trailer. The plow will let me FINALLY feed all these people REALLY fresh, good food.

In your case - feeling better is benefiting DS too. And you're able to relax around new people, and help them a bit too. I don't think I'll EVER become a spendthrift... but I do need to ease up on my self, when that reflex emotional aversion or worry about spending a little (to get a lasting benefit) comes up.

Maybe the last "reinforcement" of worrying about money comes from a Jimmy Buffett song that Mike was particularly fond of because for him it was true: In "A Pirate Looks at 40", there's a line - "made enough money to buy Miami and pissed it all away again". And Mike revelled in that mindset - which is why I was in control of finances - LOL.

Buck is like me; with the mindset of Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind (right before Intermission) when she vows she'll never be hungry again. LOL.

I remember what it felt like to go through what you just did Tupp; I'm smiling ear to ear for ya! I just wanna hug ya! That's such freedom... and I will tell you - even though the "old stuff" will return JUST in an echo of before... the freedom LASTS. You can trust it.

Aw, Skep, the hug is right back at ya!  Lol.  Yes the trauma storing is amazing to me and something I'm going to read more about.  I truly didn't get those connections before.  I'm wondering now if my life long preoccupation with suicide is because I somehow picked up on my mum's suicide attempt when I was little.  I've no conscious memory of it and only know about it because she told me when I was older but I wonder now if I picked up on it at all.  That worries me a bit as it means son might have picked up on my suicidal thoughts and feelings.  But if I keep working through things hopefully that will help him as well and it might all turn out alright :)

I found that Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (therapy was Tuesday) were great days.  Friday in particular was lovely, we had a really good time and everything seemed to work - we got to bus stops just as buses were arriving, we got good seats, everything we needed to do happened easily and the arcade was almost deserted so we were in there for nearly two hours and it was great.

Yesterday (Saturday) I conked out and it was okay.  I get that emotions go up and down and tire you out so I just went with it.  Lots of catch up TV and snacks, didn't give myself a hard time about it.  It was fine.  Went to bed feeling normal again and woke up this morning feeling good.

I logged on to my online dating account on Friday.  Haven't been on there for well over a year, I don't have a picture up and I haven't written anything in my blurb.  Yet two nice, local guys contacted me and I've had really nice email chat back and forth with both of them.  One is too young for me but the other is the right age group and both I'd be happy to meet for a coffee just as friends, coffee buddies or whatever.  That was slightly odd - usually online dating is pretty gross and I get sick of the sex related messages pretty quickly but it just hasn't happened.  Make of it what you will, it was a nice change and a nice diversion yesterday as I had my duvet day :)

Friends coming down later on and we're going out to eat.  Not sure what time they'll get here as the weather's awful but will be nice to see them.  Things are good!  I'm always surprised when I'm able to say that :)  Lol xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #100 on: February 16, 2020, 10:56:24 AM »
LOL... You'll get used to saying things are good, I think. Just takes practice.  :D

I've been aware for a long time, that emotional seesawing is my nemesis. Dealing with mine, his, hers, theirs... the expectations that we can do something magical to help those we would, if we COULD... LOL. Navigating those boundaries, with kindness - but firmness...

oh... Calgon take me away... LOL.
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Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #101 on: February 16, 2020, 02:08:33 PM »
LOL... You'll get used to saying things are good, I think. Just takes practice.  :D

I've been aware for a long time, that emotional seesawing is my nemesis. Dealing with mine, his, hers, theirs... the expectations that we can do something magical to help those we would, if we COULD... LOL. Navigating those boundaries, with kindness - but firmness...

oh... Calgon take me away... LOL.

Boundaries, firmness and kindness is an art form, I think, Skep!  Something for us all to aspire to :)

We got home about an hour ago and I've been thinking about how I would describe the day today - and the best word I can come up with is 'easy'.  And it's been easy without me having to work at making it easy!

My friends arrived after a long drive and I was still tidying up the house.  I didn't mind, and neither did they.  We went to a local restaurant that I hadn't been to before but had heard good things about.  I didn't fret over giving directions to get there, didn't worry about who should speak when we arrived (I'd booked the table but we don't often eat in restaurants and usually just walking in the door would make me anxious - but it didn't).  I didn't fret about what I was wearing - again, not intentional, I just didn't think beyond putting some clothes on this morning.  We ordered and I didn't have three conversations going on in my head about what to order, is son alright, do they like the restaurant, will the food be okay, what will we do about paying the bill, and so on.  It just wasn't there.  I ordered what I fancied, son ordered what he fancied and my friends ordered what they fancied.  Easy.  Dishes were swopped and shared as they came out and again, no worries on my part about taking a bit, saying no thanks to something, asking if anyone minded if I had the last bit of chicken and so on.  Didn't have an endless monologue in my head about calories and health factors and whether I ought to go vegan, and so on and so on.  It was just easy.  And not only easy, it was delicious, the food was lovely, the restaurant was really nice, staff really sweet, conversation was easy.  Easy, easy, easy.  Son got his IPAD out between courses and I didn't fuss and didn't worry about whether I should or shouldn't fuss.  We went for a drive afterwards and then a brisk walk on the beach (and it was brisk because it's blowing a gale and we were on a very exposed part of the coast line that's windy even when it's not windy anywhere else!).  Drove home, we came in for tea and pudding, friends went to check in to their hotel.  Everything about it was just easy.  It was a nice day out and that's the end of the story - no exhaustion from the effort of getting through it, no worrying about whether this was okay or should I have done/said/not done/not said this that or the other.  It was just a nice day.  Friends will call when they're up tomorrow so we can meet for breakfast.  Easy.  Is this how life is for a lot of people?  Just easy?  It's nice.  I like it! :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #102 on: February 16, 2020, 03:25:26 PM »
I've been reading about your gale, Tupp...holy moly! So glad it didn't blow you over.

And what a delicious, peaceful, happy thing to read today. Your simple day with other humans. And the human in your head at peace.

Easy = happy.

I am SO loving seeing you have more happy.

Inexpressibly glad to read it....

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #103 on: February 17, 2020, 01:58:44 PM »
I've been reading about your gale, Tupp...holy moly! So glad it didn't blow you over.

And what a delicious, peaceful, happy thing to read today. Your simple day with other humans. And the human in your head at peace.

Easy = happy.

I am SO loving seeing you have more happy.

Inexpressibly glad to read it....

Hugs
Hops

We've been lucky here, Hops.  The house I'm in is in the middle of a block and very overlooked by other houses.  This is generally something I don't like and moan about but it's meant that we've avoided a lot of the wind which has been good for us.  We do have a pond in the back garden where it's rained so much it's just collected in a big puddle.  And there is damage locally - a huge pane of glass cracked in the roof of the bus station cafe - fortunately no-one was inside but it's part of a huge dome on the roof of the building so the repair job is huge.  Parts of the local river are very close to bursting their banks - again fortunately we aren't close enough for that to affect us directly.  We went to the beach again today and the waves were just huge - spectacular to watch and listen to but my goodness, I made sure we kept well away and watched them from afar!

So, today's update!  I am finding this being happy business a novel experience :)  And am also finding it easier to observe what I'm thinking and feeling, rather than reacting to or being controlled by it.  That's a new one for me, too.

Yesterday was lovely and I was in no rush to get out of bed this morning and spent a couple of hours just reading, stretching, drinking tea and talking to the cat.  We had made loose arrangements to meet our friends this morning and they texted wanting to change the plans.  I did feel myself get annoyed, start to tense and the cacophony of 'all that is wrong in my life' started to whirl through my head and I thought, "oh no, here we go".  But - I then said how about we meet for breakfast and take it from there, which we did.  They explained their plan for the day (which they wanted to include us in) but it didn't work with our day and what we needed to do.  My stomach was knotting and it's that thing of saying no, or not being available.  It made me realise how uncomfortable it makes me (and this is with really good friends who I know will not mind if I can or can't do something).  And as I realised that, it started to ease off, we talked through a few possible options, I explained what the problems were (namely we had something scheduled for this afternoon and son would need lunch, drinks and snacks, which I hadn't brought out with me and aren't always easy to buy on the go due to his food issues).  But again, as we talked, I could see there was a way to do everything and so we've had another really nice day.  They've now gone on to their B and B and we're home, in the warm, and I'm ready for a bath :)

Son and I were in town earlier (after friends had left for their next thing) and we bumped in to another friend, who's one of the ones I've felt very let down by and ignored.  I've felt very hurt over the last twelve months by her lack of contact and zero offer of help or support and I've dreaded the possibility of bumping in to her for quite some time (although haven't thought about her at all just lately, I realised).  Anyway, we bumped in to her and I was able to observe without any emotion coming up.  Despite the fact we haven't seen each other for ages and she knows I've been having a tough time, the conversation was all about her, and was all negative :)  There's no preamble, she just starts talking about what she's been doing and how awful it all is (it's all things she doesn't need to do and has done umpteen times in the past and always complains about).  I shoehorned in a couple of bits about myself (friends have been down, we had a lovely lunch yesterday and so on) and there was virtually no response - it's more like a brief pause before she starts talking again :)  The reason I'm putting smiley faces is because I genuinely didn't feel bothered by it.  I can just see the clarity of the situation and it's alright.  I'm no longer willing or able to just absorb other people.  I want reciprocity (60/40 will do, Hops! lol).  And a bit of thought from the other person.  They'd just been to see the film we were going to see later on in the day and she said, "oh, I thought I might bump in to you, I know son likes this sort of thing".  Now in my previous state I would always have contacted her to see if she wanted to go together (as our kids like similar things).  But I haven't been doing that for a while, which is why I haven't seen her.  It didn't occur to her to get in touch with us to see if we fancied going.  And that's the sort of thing I don't want anymore.  I want people who do think to themselves, "oh, Tupp and son might like that, I'll see if they want to go".  That's what I want now - and it felt okay.

I have a slight tremble in my belly over the online dating thing.  I've been chatting to a couple of guys, sent one of them a pic of me and he's said he's not interested.  I appreciate the honesty and obviously we all have our types etc but it did prick my ego a little.  It's fine, I'm just noticing it and where it sits and I'm going to carry on with my evening and see how it goes.  Therapy session tomorrow!  I am looking forward to it :)  I will update afterwards!

Oh, and PS, saw another picture in a charity shop today that goes well with the one I bought last week and a really nice pair of trousers, so I bought them.  Cheap - I haven't spent a fortune, but they have no purpose other than pretty :)  Lol xx

Twoapenny

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Re: What's New for 2020?
« Reply #104 on: February 18, 2020, 09:42:05 AM »
Well I think there is a very real danger that I am going to turn in to one of those annoying people who is always positive and who never gets down :)  Lol, I went to therapy again today and it was amazing!

We went to an art workshop first thing, which was lovely, and then went straight to the session - son sat in reception and waited for me.  We had a bit of a chat about the last week, what's been good about it and so on (I didn't really have anything negative to talk about) and then we started working, this time on the police incident (when I reported my step-dad and ultimately they protected him and came after me instead).  It already didn't feel like the massive deal it has done for the last ten years so I talked her through what had happened, we talked about the physical sensations (my chest felt a bit blocked and congested) and about the feelings (unsafe, persecuted, injustice and so on) and then we started.  It was a much gentler process this week and far less of the huge releasing that's happened in previous weeks.  The feelings abated quickly and were replaced with more immediate ones like annoyance, frustration and me wanting to punch various people in the face.  The pain centred on my left hand side and moved slowly up through my shoulder, into my jaw and across my head, eventually just kind of evaporating out of the top.  We stopped for a moment, did some breathing and singing bowl sounds and she told me to go through the story in my head and just notice if anything was still stuck.  I felt some annoyance that she'd made me feel like a bad parent, even though I know I'm not, so we worked through that.  The pain was on the left hand side again and moved quickly up, and was replaced by a tingling in my shoulders.  That evaporated and we breathed again, and then worked on my annoyance with myself at letting them (the police) in to the house in the first place.  Again, that was quite brief, there was some pain again on the left hand side that quickly worked its way out, and then all I felt was calm and relaxed.  It doesn't even feel like it happened; there's a hazy memory of a story that I heard someone else tell once.  That's what it feels like now, it's gone from being something that's formed a big part of my life for the last decade to being something that I'm now very glad I kept notes on at the time because I think I'd struggle to re-tell the story from memory.  All that in less than an hour of me sitting in a chair, watching a light move.  Mind blowing.

We went to wait for the bus and son, who would usually just stand there, was doing calf stretches!  It was just so funny as both Lighter and I have mentioned the need to stretch at random moments and there was son, stretching his limbs at the side of the road :)  Bus was busy and I felt like I was sitting in a little insulated bubble and nothing else that happened affected me.  I'm on the sofa now, under a blanket, film ready to watch, cup of tea and sandwich at the ready.  It doesn't feel like a good or a bad thing - I'm not recovering from an unpleasant morning, I'm not rewarding myself with a treat, I'm not forcing myself to rest so that I don't feel tired later - I just fancied getting under the blanket for a bit.  The chatter just isn't there at the moment.  And I can't tell you how nice that is! xx