Author Topic: Farm Doin's - 2020  (Read 49522 times)

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13442
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #420 on: September 05, 2020, 11:41:02 AM »
BRAVO, Amber!
You fought through an internal backslide, saw it for exactly what it was, mapped your way out of the old grooves and you're climbing up a beautiful canyon on your own strong legs.

You're stopping the always-waiting, alwaysinthefuture state.

You're coming back into the present. You're refusing to become over dependent. Bravo!

Stop waiting, resume LIVING...in the present. B is the spice, the scent coming across...but no matter how often we watch Outlander it's really important to remember we ain't going through the stones. Time has its own rules and we don't get to rewrite them. Damn, tho.

Little question:
Quote
whatever I end up telling him about this headspace I've been in, and the agony I've put myself through needlessly

Maybe it'd be a gift to yourself to NOT tell him much about that. To process it on your own because you can (already have, really) and savor that recognition of your own maturity. Could be a gift to him too, maybe?

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5272
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #421 on: September 05, 2020, 12:47:51 PM »
Maybe Hops. Maybe I'll keep most of it to myself - and give him the gist - because it's something that even one or ten "success" moments in seeing it for what it is, will likely pop up again another time in another form, for another reason. So it's - like it or not - part of who I am, and what I'm dealing with, when dealing with myself. And better he knows I'm at war with myself in those moments, than him.

Fortunately, his own experiences lived, gives him some understanding of that.

I know in greater detail than I want, to my dismay, how things like that unsaid can later become "you always" things down the road in relationships. I'd kinda like to avoid that this time.  ;)
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13442
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #422 on: September 07, 2020, 08:37:17 PM »
Just "the gist" sounds wise to me.

Any news on B?

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5272
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #423 on: September 07, 2020, 09:31:41 PM »
He's still processing his empty nest Hops. I'm giving him as much space as I can for that. It's big; and for him - it's the moment he wasn't sure he'd be alive for. So it has to settle some.

LOL... his D sounds homesick a bit already. And worried about him.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13442
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #424 on: September 08, 2020, 01:56:28 PM »
You really do know him, I believe, Amber. If I'm wrong I'd be as disappointed as you would be though without the loss.

You'll find out more as it unfolds and the challenge is to keep your balance during the threshold time...in but not in, together but not together, in the present and waiting.... And if the not-knowing or not-seeing concrete plans and progress, you know you still have choice. You can draw any line any time you feel it's appropriate.

This has all been like a very slow painting, I think, and I also think (no, I know) that you are going to be able to handle whatever comes next. You'll be able to speak, to assert, to decide, to shape your life just as much after-B-arrives or if-B-doesn't as you have been up until now.

I can imagine how you feel mounting stress about it (it's a marathon) and I'm glad you can vent. You don't need rescuing, you do need reminders of your strength and capacity not to abandon yourself or the boundaries you need for balance. You deserve them. And whatever focus it takes to stay in honest dialogue with YOURSELF, I know you can summon.

You are whole now. You have been for a long time.

big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5272
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #425 on: September 08, 2020, 05:04:18 PM »
NEWS:

Hol got the official OK to move in, albeit some temporary deck railings need to get installed this week. But even Hol can do that, as needed.

Buck's house should be listed this week. Neighbor has his house listed, too - but neither could sell due to neighbor building chicken coop over the easement between the lots - and actually on B's property. Neighbor had to pay for survey today. B's was done years ago. Now, neighbor has to move or tear down the coop. B is pleased - but expected - this result. He said he's already gotten some nibbles, as the realtor "unofficially" talked to some people about the property. I suspect a developer wants the land; but the value of the property has tripled since it last was sold to B... so he should make out OK.

That's the last item on the to-do list for him. :D

I am typically not a patient person. And the more volatile events are while I'm waiting... the less patient I get. This past year has been excruciating for me. I knew what I was signing up for, so I can't really complain can I? But it has been harder on me than I expected. I realized I was kinda in a paralysis-limbo state: waiting for Hol to move out so I can reacquaint myself with how I was doing things without always having someone in my way, or critiquing or trying to "help". And that includes self-motivation. Waiting on Buck - because his input is important to me, too. And I need his help on certain projects.

But somehow I was able to shake that off this week and get my butt moving some again. Ignoring Hol & B, as much as possible... and it's helped a lot that they've been also been doing their own things and busy; and I really appreciate the bit of solitude that's come with that. It's so much easier to sort out just what is going on in my own head - by myself. LOLOL. Knuckles has been keeping me company and he's not demanding at all. So all that, on the way to explaining that I'm just going to go about living my life, doing my things as I see fit - until such time as someone proposes an activity that I'm interested in or spending some time together. There has been talk of B coming to call again soon; like this month or next. I did tell him I'd like him to be moved in by Nov. 3rd; but he didn't promise anything. By now, I expect medical appts to throw a monkey wrench in that. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. But I'm not holding my breath. There does exist the possibility that the school his D is at may close, if there's much of a Covid outbreak, too. She is not sharing a dorm room; and that's actually making the transition harder for her. She's lonely and there doesn't seem to be the usual freshman activities to meet her classmates. No sports. Classes are 100% online for the first 2 weeks, too. 3 of her HS friends are on campus though. She has an on campus job. So it may just be the usual freshman, first time away from home on her own vapors. She does seem prone to anxiety.

I just find myself not willing to sit around waiting, hoping for him to be able to break free to finally move "SOON". He said he will be able to; I trust him; but I'm no longer gonna sit around & mope & wait for the phone to ring. Winter is coming. And with the cooler weather, I'm finally able to heave-to and get my stuff done. Put my house to rights again; give it a good cleaning; start tackling some of the projects that have been on the list for over a year - upgrading old systems, etc. Maybe I'll even get some rip van winkle time this winter. Missed it last winter.

Maybe I'll even do some shopping, finally. Expenditures on the hut should start shrinking rapidly.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13442
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #426 on: September 09, 2020, 08:12:40 AM »
Quote
This past year has been excruciating for me. I knew what I was signing up for, so I can't really complain can I?

You sure can. I'm glad to read this. Not about your being in so much pain, but because it's unvarnishedly compassionate to yourself to call your experience what it was and what it has felt like to you.  If that's "complaining" well, bust me too. Bust the world.

Good news about B's house being about to be listed! Have you been there, or seen pix? It must be in a growing area (if anything's growing right now, economically) if a developer is eyeing it. Or an area of good land, anyway.

Wondering....the details about what B's daughter is going through prompt me to ask:
--have you ever met and talked to her? sorry if you did report that and I forgot
--is B relaying the story about her loneliness and anxiety and boredom? It's really good three friends of hers are there too. So if I have it straight: She has moved away from home (to a different city? same state?) into her own apartment and for two weeks school will be online only, then restart more conventionally (presumably with social distancing). When I was young I would've found that really hard too. The dorm, the other newbies, all of us stumbling through it together, was really where comfort was.

Is her college in a southern state? Generally, some have been slower to embrace virus guidelines. I hope she's smart and safe. If she's influenced by her Dad though, I bet she is.

Even more good news in your post:
Quote
I'm no longer gonna sit around & mope & wait for the phone to ring. Winter is coming. And with the cooler weather, I'm finally able to heave-to and get my stuff done.

Knowing that Hol and S are almost out of your private space (with Hol still available) feels miraculous. I can imagine that it's been a relief lately with them almost-gone to have the time and uninterrupted head-space to shift into Amberlife, Amberchoice, Amberdoes, again.

I can almost feel that subtle new vigor of fall, like the coolness slipping into the air.

I am hoping for an iota of your productivity this fall.

hugs
Hops



"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5272
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #427 on: September 09, 2020, 09:28:09 AM »
Thanks Hops. Emotionally, this whole past year has been a rollercoaster. Not being a stranger to these kinds of things - when has my life ever been consistently stable?? - I at least have some knowledge/skills to manage, maintain & take care of myself.

I've pics of B's house; not quite the full on realtor showcase - but snippets of different places. He is also a fireplace type...  :D

His D is in a dorm on campus. But yes, alone in her room. For now. I've not met her, but seen LOTS of pics. Very pretty & talented young lady. And yes, she finally knows that I exist and how I figure in his planning. I haven't talked with him about that yet. For all he can focus, his attention wanders a lot. LOL.

She's in a smaller university city in a southern state. But the school virus rules are a pretty high bar. I think she'll be fine; this kind of thing is normal. I've dealt with enough freshmen while working, to know a lot of the things they experience during that first month of being out on their own for the first time - even with the massive support structure of the college around them. They're all different of course; it seemed to me that international students were more independent and self-sufficient - but perhaps that's the result of self-selection to attend school in another country?

Just like I'm gradually reclaiming space in the house - and adapting that as my creative whim prompts - I'm doing the same thing with my overall "me space". So much activity going on around here... around me... and I'm generally the rock in the stream that it's flowing around. But this rock is starting to grow moss... and feels like it's time to roll around a little bit and maybe settle into another spot and show another side of itself to the sun.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5272
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #428 on: September 14, 2020, 08:18:09 AM »
I have no idea how Hol is going to fit everything else she has to move, into the hut.

She had friends here camping over the weekend, and busted her butt all week prior, to get the hut functional and cozy.  I hung out for a bit Sat afternoon, through dinner... but it IS a smaller space, 9 people (including her & S) is a lot for me... and I took my cue to leave when they went to enjoy the bonfire. Too many conversations, too many egos, too many separate goings on in one space for me. She even said last night, she was happy to see them go just to be in HER house with S and the dogs... and unwind.

She wants to do some internet research, so will probably be up today, since she gets no signal down there, to speak of. Our internet is still kinda wonky. But it's happening across the country... B's had issues too. So I suspect there's something going on upgrade wise that's causing glitches/outages... or something else, that the big providers don't want to admit.

On the one hand, it's REALLY feeling good to have my space back... and be alone... and some of the tension is finally releasing. My routine is already gravitating back to what worked for me, before she and then S, moved in. But there is still a lot of her stuff occupying my space. No way it's all going to fit down there, even with her genius for fitting 10# of stuff into a 5# bag. Be interesting to see how she deals with that... and how long it's going to take. Contractors are back again today, but their work is in the downstairs bath and outside now. So it won't be much longer that I will be having to navigate the constant in/out traffic and paying them. I put off upgrades on my house & studio, to get her situated this year.

LOL... separate houses is the ONLY way, it was going to be possible for us to co-exist here. When we do sit down & compare notes, the wavelength is much better than it was. We're both more relaxed and in a better head space. Less stressed.

So, today is just going to be my taking stock of where I am with MY STUFF... I picked up the stone to finish the wall in the bedroom. I still have to trim the closet door that doesn't fit now the hardwood is down. I have a sun shade to attach off the back deck so I can have my hidden little private outside space... and there is a lot of stuff Hol borrowed for the weekend that needs to come back and get put away.

I've called my handyman project guy to put up a new gate, where we changed the end of the driveway... and the alarm system goes back up - and gets expanded. Hopefully, it'll receive a signal down at the hut. She needs her woodstove connected too... night time temps are going down into the 40s in the next couple weeks...

I have SOOOOO much to do outside, to get caught up, that I think I'll finish what I can on the bedroom stuff first - that way it'll be "done" and off the list completely.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8319
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #429 on: September 14, 2020, 09:41:04 AM »
Amber:

I remember when you started posting about the hut.....it seemed a distant plan, but here you guys are!  Finishing the hut!

Woo hoo!

Lighter



Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13442
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #430 on: September 14, 2020, 10:12:05 AM »
Amen to that Woo-hoo, and add a Wow!

That's such a huuuuuuge thing to check off a To-Do list.

My mind boggles.

hugs and congrats!
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5272
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #431 on: September 14, 2020, 02:46:23 PM »
We're both exhausted - LOL. And enjoying having separate spaces - even though we're "neighbors" and visiting back & forth, for short amounts of time...

I'm going down later to drop off mail and pick up a kitten. (He's a cutie - if it's a he.)
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8319
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #432 on: September 14, 2020, 05:00:18 PM »
Are you hoping for a boy or girl kittie?

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5272
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #433 on: September 14, 2020, 05:32:02 PM »
I'm good with either one; right now he/she has a new bed in the bathroom under my sink. With Freddy around I figured it would be good to keep them mostly separate for a bit till kitty adjusts to not having mama & it's litter mates. I did let Freddy in for a minute and he went right for the wet food bowl - piggy face. He wasn't happy to get ejected... but baby kitteh needs to get a little bigger before they get acquainted. About 8 weeks old.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5272
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #434 on: September 15, 2020, 12:08:39 PM »
Getting caught up on sleep and resting and playing with both kitties (Freddy's pride is injured that I brought another cat into the house).

Going out today to resupply the kinds of food I eat - since the kids have transferred most of their stuff to the hut and have plenty left over from the weekend's camping gathering of Hol friends.

I have to start setting up to run the woodstove. Weekend temps are looking more like Halloween or November than September.... and  I still have some herbs to get in the ground - they're looking pretty rough now, as is. Need to set up to finish wall... and catch up with my "spring clean up" that I didn't do. And I JUST. DON'T. FEEL. LIKE. IT. Still.

Hol continues to drop in and chat over coffee or get a better cell signal. But she's starting to sound like me, about my tools & kitchen... and the usual suspect is the reason why. Her friends who came to visit also got on her nerves this time for the same reasons - I guess she should've enjoyed her pristine house for a few weeks on her own before inviting people who can't be expected to know how to care for things or treat hers like their own to spend a weekend.

Buck is busy purging the stuff he's kept for 20-30 years, and didn't even remember he had... before preparing for the next load up here. And dealing with more med stuff... now the stimulator is trying to exit his body; again, looking as tho it wasn't properly secured in a pocket during the last surgery. It's coming to the surface through his skin. It doesn't help he doesn't have much body fat - just muscle and skin. He figures 45 days before it becomes enough of a "crisis" that the hospital will have to do something. He's waiting to hear back from the surgeon's office as it is, after showing the T, the pic of the situation. And no, the Navy still hasn't processed his retirement paperwork (expected no sooner than October) ...

I'm glad I finally decided to just stop obsessing on a specific date when he'd be back/finally moved in. Otherwise I'd be totally nutz by now. Just continuing on with the stuff I know I need to do. Tired of waiting for Hol, too. So... now I'm just dealing with me again and I'm finding out just how many levels of exhaustion exist in attempting to cope with other people around me... expecting my time, attention, compassion, help, caring, and keeping entertained... so as to not go nutz themselves.

Hol was the big one. EVERY time, I tried to just have some down time to relax... there she was again; needing... and taking it poorly that I just wasn't overly engaged. Handle your own shit, kid... the consequences of your choices, your own frustrations, etc ad nauseum... NOT. MY. PROBLEM. Why are you talking to me - and then not liking what I have to say, again?? Go away, kid, ya bother me. (W.C. Fields)

And that boys & girls... is why mom built you your own house. NOW GO HOME. LOLOLOLOLOL.

I'm only now beginning to feel like my nerves are calming down. Living with her - and her crisis mentality (catastrophizing PLUS imagining what-ifs and "all the things") - was taking a bigger toll on me than I realized. Yes, I'm a verbal processer too... but I talk to my SELF, and don't NEED others in the processing... LOLOLOL. Not all our interactions were like that. Some real positive ones, and reciprocal giving back too.

But it's finallly stopped LONG ENOUGH for me to see what it was doing to me. It's not that she's toxic for me, per se (she CAN BE if my guard isn't up; is working hard not to be... and is just as difficult in her overcompensation that way). She's just EXHAUSTING, energy-wise.

Today looks like it might be another "Hi, I'm back day...". She was here for coffee & to grab a few things to move this morning and has been texting coordination info back & forth...

NO WONDER I've been redoing my room and setting up a private patio... where I can hide again. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.