Coronavirus

[lighter]

Typp:

I'm comforted by the way you're moving through problems.  You find solutions or make peace with what is... it's really how I see your posts these days.  Just very pointed and focused.  No confusion is what I'm trying to say here.

Today my T said our minds are like crabs in the way we learn new things... a step forward, one back, then two sideways.  We don't learn in a linear fashion.  That's why there are really confusing days where we just don't get what we thought we got the day before, etc.  Paying attention to our thoughts and responses , when things aren't feeling settled and grounded, is the way to get back to feeling grounded. 

I'm glad you're OK with being at home and ready to weather this storm for the duration without huge anxiety.  Finding a way to see your osteopath is an issue, but you'll do what you can while remaining safe in that regard... however you deal with that.  We all have to figure out how to deal with dentist appointments, medical appointments.... remembering to pay attention to what's going on inside will help us get through it.

::Nod::

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Glad you're coping, Lighter, though I'm sorry you find you keep having to go places in public. I am just NOT. For almost six weeks now. Only have to keep this up for probably two years, no problem. !!!!

Saw a video of a Canadian couple I like who just lost their hearty, all-rules-following FIL, not elderly...who worked at Home Depot. Despite his strict adherence and masks and gloves and handwashing and six-feet-aparting, he caught it and died.

So I hope everyone I know and those I don't soon catch on soon to what Stay Home actually means.

I do have to go out on Thursday, to a necessary doctor's appointment. It's not in a hospital setting and I do trust them to be all over disinfection, as I will be. But to just go places to buy non-emergency stuff or stuff that could be delivered, however inconveniently, I'm wishing "acting normal" wasn't still happening in areas where the virus is just arriving and building up speed. (And where going out for essentials is unavoidable.)

A dear 89-y/o neighbor has been trying to convince her (and my) favorite neighbor-friend to take her to Lowe's, because she "needs" to buy flower seedlings. She just wants to get out, which is soooo understandable. But the hard truth is, nobody "needs" flowers. We need food, shelter, medicine, safe social connection, and that's it. Most communities, for the privileged anyway, can deliver food and meds. Most fortunate middle-to-upper-class people can manage online socializing or walks-and-talks in safe areas 8 feet apart. Farther if one can.

Just moaning. I wish the U.S. were all united as long as it takes, in accepting Stay Home.

Hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Tupp, the U.K. news is painful to read, I'm so sorry.
I think you're coping with it incredibly well, and son too.
I agree with you, this is going to be a lot longer than folks are hoping.

I don't like to indulge too much fantasy or hope, nowhere near as much as I like
trying to adapt to what reality is, not waiting for reality to become what I want.

Almost all the hopeful fantasies I have of what an ideal life IS, can be achieved within
myself in a small space, if my food and shelter are stable. They are.

For the rest, I think inner growth, writing, painting, growing, connecting (even if online), will be on average enough to sustain me and even allow me to still have those moments of real fulfillment, even happiness. Some of that will come with M if our relationship continues to grow. If not, I can find it with poetry, reading, learning, playing piano (badly), reaching out with letters or calls or online. I believe this period, should I remain virus free, can be rich.

Not perfect. That's beyond me. I had a couple whiney days. And now, sun out, sat in yard with friend eight feet apart, drank some wine, felt some joy. And gratitude's back.

I'm alive. The world is in pain but always has been, the pandemic just brings it nearer.

Hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

CB,
That's so lovely that Mario is still in your life, as a caring friend! I didn't know.
And madjool dates are my new "junk" food. I have 4-5 a day and just love them. Got on a dates craze when I read something recently about how incredibly good for you they are. Glad he's stocking you up!

I'm generally eating healthier too. I think it's because when I order groceries, for some reason I just do not order any junk. That's probably because I'm actually thinking "need", not "crave."

I'm going to have to order some yeast from a local bakery that sells eggs, flour and yeast to the public. Unless I persuade myself to DIY, which looks very easy and fun. Here's a link if you want to try it (and don't miss the rooster!).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wTt8VGyBdk

I wish I could send you a chunk of my yard, or hologram you up to weed my veggie beds! I loooove weeding too. It's painful these days with my back though, so I'm trying to find positions and methods that don't hurt as much.

Is there any strip of green, say near parking, at your apartment complex that a kind manager would allow you to turn into small veggie beds? Once you tell him your experience, and how you could also ring it with tidy flowers? Or any nearby bit of lawn, say near a business, that you could walk to? Bribe them with free veggies?

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I love the sense I get of your new home, CB...have since the time you first described it. I'm so glad about the trees, and the green spaces, and the light, and your tropical collection too. If you want to plant outdoors sometime, you'll find a way. Your daughter's balcony garden must be incredible; wish I could see it. And one of your sons like to plant too. That's so cool.

I first injured my back when I was 10 and jumped down a flight of steps on a ferry on the north sea, trying to impress some Scottish boy scouts. Landed on my feet but so very hard it compressed my spine and hurt like hell. I remember screaming "My back! My back!" and one of the Scouts thought I was yelling "My bag!" and kept waving my purse in my face: "Heere it is! Heere it is!" The pain was pretty intense but after my Dad carried me back to the cabin, I slept it off overnight. I did judo and riding during college, but nothing really jocky. The first severe (herniated discs) was in my 40s, heaving a huge potted tree into my truck (stooooopid lifting). Blew out two discs. Re-injured it over and over, just living life, and particularly when taking care of my parents. The last big "disc re-rip" was my Dad's last bath a few weeks before he died. Overnight he became too weak to help me get him out of the tub, and it was 3am and I wasn't going to make him wait for EMTs. So I bent over the edge and heaved him up and all way out. Rrrrrip.

I had five or six steroid xray-guided steroid injection treatments at a pain clinic just to keep going with Mom. Ten years at a computer all day in the horrible job during that period made it worse.  Mom would lean on me like a cane, and I'd be getting on the floor over and over to find things, as well as lifting her off the floor when she fell (she never broke anything but she was hefty). It all just added up so my back is permanently fragile. I'm okay if I'm very careful and never lift anything heavier than 20 pounds. For good, I believe. But pain is easy to trigger, and the pratfall the other day just jarred it again. It's much better today than it was.

Gardening is extremely tough to do alone these days. But if I do a little little bit at a time and get help with the heavy stuff, I can still find pleasure in it.

All that complaining and I still find a whole lot of joy in looking at it all. My yard's big and shaggy and not well groomed, but it's also beautiful. People like being there and that's what matters to me.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Youngest dd and I went out of the house today.  We dropped a package off at her friend's house, then went to Aldis together.  DD drove..... she wasn't comfortable at all... it's been a while since she's been behind the wheel.  We need to go out and practice to get her comfortable again.

Hops, I'm afraid your wish for me to stay in got me thinking about what the girls would do without me.  I want at least one of them to know how to go into the world safely, and by safe I mean masked, splash guard, gloved with antibac wipes in hand to wiped down food items and gloves constantly, then get through check out, and into car and home.  It was very stressful for dd and she's napping now.  She always took it seriously, but seeing people NOT take it seriously was horrifying for her.

More and more I'm releasing expectation and outcome for my children.  It's new.  It's freeing and it's time.  I notice how I'm staying still and quiet, which translates into their moving and doing for themselves more.  When I tell them to do do do.... they do less.  If I say it once.... then step back, they step up.   

It's interesting to SEE my part in how quickly they mature or don't.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Is grocery delivery available where you are, Lighter?

It's a shame to think of your DD feeling horrified about near-hazmat preparations for going into a store. Sounds like you've explained precautions well enough, but can you not find ways to Stay Home instead?

This pandemic won't last forever, and though we do need to prepare our kids for the real world, perhaps preparing them for a pandemic apocalypse just introduces a lot of intense fear, that they maybe could live without? "Horrified" is a painful state of mind, I hate to think of it. Especially for a young person.

Unless there are urgent compelling reasons for the excursions, which there well might be. I just don't know anyone else who wears face shields and uses ozone machine and all that you do. And how frequently you seem to go out. To each their own though, and I don't fully grasp your situation. Maybe you're in an isolated area that doesn't offer delivery or ordering ahead a week by...Amazon, say.

It might mean you're the best prepared person I know and you're helping your kids survive! Just as debbil's advocate, could it possibly also mean you're sharing some habitual fear with them? Any of that might not really be pandemic related?

Reasonable fear creates reasonable decisions, imo. I make tons of mistakes myself (such as tripping over a big box I got safely into my home but left in a stupid spot). Now I pay the consequences.

NOBODY gets this perfect, I'm sure of that. The pandemic just seems to bring parts of ourselves into relief. I'm not altogether liking all my discoveries about my tendencies (in my case, very differently, to underperform), that's for sure.

Take any insight that rings helpful and ignore the rest, please do.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

DD needed to drive AND had a package to deliver to a friend.  She's not so steady driving, bc she hasn't been practicing so I went with her.  She was shaken up.... she scraped a tire against a curb and downtown was all but closed up.... homeless people on so many corners.  This was dd's first time out of the house/neighborhood.  I think anyone would be shocked. She didn't want to drive after leaving her friend's house. 

The horrifying part wasn't wearing protective gear.  It was watching people out and about being careless.  People with children.  She was ready to go home when we left Aldis.  Didn't feel well at all.
As I said.... I think she was in shock, literally.  We're working on breathing and she's listening to what happens when anxiety and fear take over.  She's interested in learning how to calm herself. 
 

To be clear.... I've spent too much time sheltering both girls.  I notice when I want to keep doing things they can and should do for themselves.   I can rationalize it.... they'll be gone soon... in college..... all grown up, but that doesn't feel right.  Letting them learn and grow feels right.   

I stop myself.  I think about teaching them more.  I realized, after your post about wishing I'd stay in more...  that I hadn't prepared the girls to go out in any way.  It's scary when you don't have a system.... when you're shocky.... when others aren't being careful. 

The shock is a problem.  I want them clear on safety and their right to keep themselves safe.  I want them comfortable and capable of doing what needs doing.  That takes practice.  It helps to see someone else do it.  Knowing what's out there, now, is a necessary thing, IMO.

As for the delivery services... they're a week out and a lot more expensive.  I used them early on and put much of those orders in reserve.... lots of dried and canned goods.  That's a necessary thing. 

Going out once a week means we have fresh foods when we need and want them.  The girls are planning meals and engaged in meal prep.  Lots of dancing in the kitchen and enjoying food.  There's comfort in that.

 We're running the vehicles... they need to drive more than they have been.

I agree there's no perfect way to get through this and understand your concerns.

The way I feel about it dropped like a penny and my gut just clicked. 

The girls are going to get stronger and grow up a lot through these months.  I understand why I held back before.... their bickering was so distracting and distressing.


  I'm not holding back now.

Lighter
 

[Twoapenny]

This has been an interesting week--on Monday, the governor of our state opened retail for business and my 2 kids who are nurses were horrified because they are still seeing a lot of COVID patients, and more all the time. My doctor said that I should not go back to work, so I called HR and they were surprisingly accommodating. I will get all my accrued time off and they are officially laying me off so I can get unemployment. So this will not be too bad at all.

I was going to start my unemployment claim today, but felt frozen at the finality of it, so I put it off til tomorrow. I don't think I will end up going back to this company since part time is not going to be available, and that's what I'm ready for at this stage in my life. So all of this is happening in terrible finality and all very quickly without much time to process the total change I see in my future. I am not grieving the job so much as I am feeling a little off balance. Today I mailed the store key back. I could have driven up there, but I wasnt ready for that.

I think I set it up for a pretty good launch since I didnt burn any bridges until there was nothing left to do. But we are in such a strange no man's land right now. The COVID rates are going up in my city daily and I think everyone knows that it will lead to another shut down in the next month. So everything feels unbalanced there as well. My kids are okay except half are sheltering in place alone and that is stressful. We talk a lot though.

No projects right now--just reading, some organizing, cooking meals and talking to the kids. I had never finished getting my art supplies organized when I moved in, so I have finally gotten that done at a built in desk and cabinet that came with the apartment, but I probably wont use it for anything else, so maybe I have an art table already in place??!! I havent even thought about art projects in years because I have used up most of my creativity at work for these past 6. So now I'm going to have to re-think that. There are a lot of teaching videos online--so many I can hardly choose what to watch. I am watching an acrylic painter that paints flowers so I'm thinking that might be what I begin work on.

I'm kinda surprised how fast the days go by and that doesnt make any sense. I don't have to do much food ordering any more, just keeping up with things as they run out. Maybe one delivery a week. I'm also amazed at how much better I feel physically. Most of my fibromyalgia pain is gone and all of my foot pain. Hops, that place on my leg that I banged when I fell a year ago still gives me some trouble. Someone told me at the time to not be surprised at how long it takes to heal. Guess they weren't kidding, but I'll give you the same heads up!

So I guess I don't have any complaints except feeling a bit like I landed in a foreign country and I'm not sure what to do next. I'm like you, Tupp, I am just doing whatever I feel like doing at the moment and feeling pretty good about it! I have the same happiness that you do with your son about my own son. He was ill for so long, but is doing better and finally has a remote computer tech job, so when you talk about how relieved you are that your son is doing well, I know just what you mean. The relief is so profound, it's hard to explain it.

CB

I think the not knowing what the new normal is is very hard, CB, how do you prepare when you don't know what's coming.  They will need to start re-opening businesses - people here are really starting to go stir crazy and then you get into that thing of how much more damage do you do by people not going to work, being isolated, businesses going under and what have - linked to the fact that, because they haven't got it under control yet, the infection rate will just leap up again as soon as more people start to mingle.  And then I know that for people at risk (like us) that means us staying in even longer.  I think realistically we personally will be looking at shielding for a year, if not more.  It's all been so badly handled and people keep saying it's easy with hindsight but they knew it was coming and so many of them, various countries, just seem to have ignored it.  Awful situation.

I'm glad the unemployment situation has worked out in a good way for you though, and that it means you won't be without income completely.  I am surprised at how quickly the days are going and how little I'm getting done on a lot of them.  Part of me thinks I should be doing more but just doing the basics feels like a lot of work at the minute.  Son is happy and I haven't gone mad yet so we're doing okay   And amazing that your pain has reduced so much!  Do you think that's down to working less and just having more time to rest up?  Great news, whatever the reason.  And yes, lovely when the kids are happy, I would be finding this so difficult right now if my son were struggling with it.  I said to him last night, "Thanks for handling the lockdown so well, you've been really amazing all the way through this" and he just shrugs it off and tells me to be quiet because he's busy watching his show lol xx

[Twoapenny]

DD needed to drive AND had a package to deliver to a friend.  She's not so steady driving, bc she hasn't been practicing so I went with her.  She was shaken up.... she scraped a tire against a curb and downtown was all but closed up.... homeless people on so many corners.  This was dd's first time out of the house/neighborhood.  I think anyone would be shocked. She didn't want to drive after leaving her friend's house. 

The horrifying part wasn't wearing protective gear.  It was watching people out and about being careless.  People with children.  She was ready to go home when we left Aldis.  Didn't feel well at all.
As I said.... I think she was in shock, literally.  We're working on breathing and she's listening to what happens when anxiety and fear take over.  She's interested in learning how to calm herself. 
 

To be clear.... I've spent too much time sheltering both girls.  I notice when I want to keep doing things they can and should do for themselves.   I can rationalize it.... they'll be gone soon... in college..... all grown up, but that doesn't feel right.  Letting them learn and grow feels right.   

I stop myself.  I think about teaching them more.  I realized, after your post about wishing I'd stay in more...  that I hadn't prepared the girls to go out in any way.  It's scary when you don't have a system.... when you're shocky.... when others aren't being careful. 

The shock is a problem.  I want them clear on safety and their right to keep themselves safe.  I want them comfortable and capable of doing what needs doing.  That takes practice.  It helps to see someone else do it.  Knowing what's out there, now, is a necessary thing, IMO.

As for the delivery services... they're a week out and a lot more expensive.  I used them early on and put much of those orders in reserve.... lots of dried and canned goods.  That's a necessary thing. 

Going out once a week means we have fresh foods when we need and want them.  The girls are planning meals and engaged in meal prep.  Lots of dancing in the kitchen and enjoying food.  There's comfort in that.

 We're running the vehicles... they need to drive more than they have been.

I agree there's no perfect way to get through this and understand your concerns.

The way I feel about it dropped like a penny and my gut just clicked. 

The girls are going to get stronger and grow up a lot through these months.  I understand why I held back before.... their bickering was so distracting and distressing.


  I'm not holding back now.

Lighter
 

It's difficult, isn't it, Lighter, how do you prepare them when you don't know what you need to prepare them for?  Everything is up in the air.  What will normal be?  What will we all need to be able to do?  Very tough questions to answer right now xx

[Hopalong]

(((((CB)))))

I just get a sense of you floating while accepting.
Being open and curious about this extended time, not gnawing your paws off to get out of the cage.

There's something so lovely about this response to What Is. Unusual and moving.

That's it for now, just wanted to say something of peace, of spiritual maturity, came out of your account/update to me.

big hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Ugh, I imagine going online to file for unemployment is a hair puller. But I hope you'll do it soon! Remember, you have outstanding experience and would have a very good reference from the company, so if after all this is over you want to work again some day, you would be a stellar find.

Meanwhile, enjoy those happy feet!

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

CB:

Healing your feet and body during this time is a tremendous silver lining, isn't it?

Yup yup yup.

I'm trying to stretch every day. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Awww, thanks, Hops! I really do feel very peaceful. It's been a long time coming. You all know....

Tupp, I think the pain is so diminished because fibro is made worse by repeated movements, and most of what I did at work was like that. Also, I was never off my feet long enough to let my feet heal. It's kind of amazing because I have had foot pain for most of the last 10 years. I am getting a little chubby though from sitting around!  I don't care, not looking for a boyfriend! ha!

I am kinda curious about why I am so adverse to getting online and signing up for unemployment. I didnt do it again today. Or rather, I waited til so late that when I ran into a glitch I had to stop and figure it out. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to get it, I think it's just admitting to myself that I don't have a job. My boss texted me about getting my stuff from my desk and I was actually offended. I'm weird.

Anyway, today was a good day. My oldest son is a nurse in a big ICU in town and I usually get to have a long talk with him on one of his days off. Today was that day and it was so enjoyable. He's the one that likes to talk philosophy and history and such and of course I'm always up for that! It was nice. I was thinking how many conversations like that I've missed because our schedules didnt jive and I'm just really grateful for this time.

However, I never got around to cooking dinner so it was oatmeal tonight. I'm going to have to get in gear tomorrow!

CB

It's a huge change to go from employed to unemployed, CB, especially in this work based world we live in.  It's a big mind shift so I can understand the reluctance to make it 'real' as it were.  It is closing a door, isn't it, and at the moment we don't know what's behind the new doors!  So it all feels unusual.  I'm glad your feet are feeling so much better, though!  I got to the point where mine were so painful all the time that if I was standing doing dishes, for example, I'd have to kind of balance on the edges of my feet, putting them down on the floor was just too painful to do.  It's difficult if you're on your feet a lot.  Nice that you got to talk with your biggest boy   It is nice when you get the time to have those long catch ups, just feels more satisfying than a quick chat or text.  A bit like a proper dinner instead of oatmeal!  Lol, hope you get a nice dinner tonight xx

[Twoapenny]

Things are completely surreal here.  We've a group of scientists who've formed their own task force and are broadcasting their meetings live because they're so concerned about the way the government is behaving and the conflicting and contradictory advice they're giving out.  They're blatantly fiddling facts and numbers and NHS staff are being threatened with disciplinary action if they speak publicly about the lack of PPE.  We genuinely don't have a single news stream or government body we can actually trust to give us factual information.

Some people are being sensible - taking precautions but also not going overboard with it.  Some are ignoring it all completely.  Conspiracy theories are abundant and I notice a lot of people are keen for change, but only if it's other people who have to change.  There are still many shortages in the shops and essential supplies are still not getting through to people who need them.  I'm absolutely baffled by the whole thing.