Aw, ((Hops)).
I'm sorry you're suffering.
I've been hypercritical of myself, as a matter of habit.... and it really was painful.
The truth is, it pops up daily, but I get better at ignoring it. Today, in fact, I smiled at it, winked and went back to what I was doing. No hard feelings.
I didn't turn it off, like a switch when I first became aware of it. I had to hire my T, or guru if you prefer, and have her point me at the lessons, and walk me through, bc of how judgmental and shut down..... I simply didn't have the ability to SEE what I needed to see... do what I needed to do..... mostly notice what I was doing, along with access to what I COULD be doing instead.
Shifting into calmer head space, consistently, but never perfectly, is a process and the most important rule for doing it is embracing unmittigated self compassion with nonjudgmental awareness of what's going on around and inside of us. That, for me, was a lot to process all on it's own.
There are things waiting to be noticed.... if one manages to stop being critical, judgmental..... holding a yard stick up to oneself, IME. Little packages of information waiting to be unwrapped and revealed, IME.
Learning how to NOT judge myself
[i][b]for judging myself[/b][/i] was a tricky sticky business..... I was reassured many times that's the way it goes... it's normal.... Budhhist Monks do it too. T was very helpful, many times in this process, bc left to my own devices..... judging myself always won.
Every time I was reassured..... maybe my grip on my belief I couldn't change..... loosened.
It's like a knot being teased apart..... and you don't notice when it untangles completely, but one day..... you're free and out of it, IME. I think there's a feeling of surprise and maybe shock, when it happens.
Since you're so aware and focused..... It feels like maybe you're at that point where you're knocked back hard by failing to perfectly embrace self compassion. It's like a double whammy and I recognize comparing self to others.
THIS is how it feels to move toward creating new brain pathways.... being kind more often than not with yourself.
To noticing negative judgmental thoughts......
then smirk at them and say......
"Not today..."
leaving them behind, in favor or being present and super kind with yourself, as you would be to Tupp or the friend you're visiting. It's possible.... it's just not something you've practiced before.
It's not a switch.... it's a sequences of choices you make. It's the decision to get very curious, instead of judging ANYTHING going on in your life or your internal world.
Just..... breathe, Hops.
Resist judging, when you can, and think of yourself as you would a cherished friend...... then keep practicing it through the failure and tough spots, bc those are all part of the journey.
And it's OK, Hops.
Even when it's not OK....
it's still OK.
Lighter