Author Topic: When it's SHAME  (Read 2120 times)

Hopalong

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When it's SHAME
« on: August 01, 2020, 02:03:07 PM »
What I admire about you, Tupp, and you, Amber, and you, Lighter, and you, CB,  SO VERY MUCH is that despite the need to sink deep within to do all that very deep inner healing and growing and processing....all of you still:

GET
THINGS
DONE.

This is my hook. By that I mean a huge carcass hook in a butchery.

It's just hell to get myself into motivation and motion.

And yet all of you, with just as much or much more trauma healing than I've needed to do, still:

GET
THINGS
DONE.

I carry tremendous shame over the disorder and inefficiency and procrastination and sloth that I fight against (or more likely, don't) every single day. It plays absolute hell with my self-esteem.

I'm great with self-love and compassion for the inner child in theory and especially for others. And in rare moments, for myself. But I know I'm missing some basic transition to adulting with ease. Just the simplest decisions about what is the right thing to do with my time. I am honestly battling shame over my various paralyses almost every day. I make the tiniest step and Alert the Media! Pathetic.

Today, not so bad. Why? I'm going to outdoor-visit with an anxious friend who's got a birthday and feels very sad at her family's distance. I feel confident and focused because I KNOW I can offer her empathy and listening and compassion that will make her feel better. I do it with her all the time and it feels good. She's a gem.

But why can't I do that effectively with myself, no matter how often I preach it? I am a failure in that regard. To get myself off the starting line. It's misery. Shame.

This has brought tears but I think I'm gettin' naked.

love
Hops
« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 02:19:02 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2020, 02:52:36 PM »
Oh, Hops, that makes me so sad to read that you feel like that.  Shame is difficult to deal with, I think because it's an irrational emotion.  And by that I mean, you have nothing to feel shame about and I expect you know that in your mind.  The things you're good at more than compensate for the things that you're not (or that you feel that you're not).  I think some of it is expectation (I should be able to do this.  I ought to be able to do this).  I know when those nubs are working inside you it's very difficult to overcome them - you can tell yourself a million times you shouldn't feel the way you do but your feelings don't listen.  I don't know if getting to the nub of the shame would help (EMDR?  It helped me a lot.  Not sure that you can do it over Zoom but I would have thought 8 feet apart might work?).  With me a lot of what I get done is because I have to - I can ignore dinner for myself but not for my son, you know?  It's hard when you don't have that need in someone else to motivate you to get on with things.  But I really wish you weren't feeling shame over the things you can't do when there is so much that you can, and that you do so beautifully, every day.  I know it's a bit soppy but I often find myself thinking "what would Hops say" when I'm pondering stuff and it's like I can hear your voice - even though we've never spoken.  You've done more for me then my mum ever did, just by being there and being so honest and earnest.  Such unwavering support, so constant.  Argh!  I don't have a practical or useful suggestion to get past the shame but I really wish it would go so you could give yourself the same empathy that you give to so many other people because you really, truly deserve that xx

lighter

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2020, 02:54:42 PM »
Aw, ((Hops)).

I'm sorry you're suffering.

I've been hypercritical of myself, as a matter of habit.... and it really was painful.

The truth is, it pops up daily, but I get better at ignoring it.  Today, in fact, I smiled at it, winked and went back to what I was doing. No hard feelings.

I didn't turn it off, like a switch when I first became aware of it.   I had to hire my T, or guru if you prefer, and have her point me at the lessons, and walk me through, bc of how judgmental and shut down..... I simply didn't have the ability to SEE what I needed to see... do what I needed to do..... mostly notice what I was doing,  along with access to what I COULD be doing instead.

Shifting into calmer head space, consistently, but never perfectly,  is a process and the most important rule for doing it is embracing unmittigated self compassion with nonjudgmental awareness of what's going on around and inside of us.  That, for me, was a lot to process all on it's own.   

There are things waiting to be noticed.... if one manages to stop being critical, judgmental..... holding a yard stick up to oneself,  IME.  Little packages of information waiting to be unwrapped and revealed,  IME.

Learning how to NOT judge myself [i][b]for judging myself[/b][/i] was a tricky sticky business..... I was reassured many times that's the way it goes... it's normal.... Budhhist Monks do it too.  T was very helpful, many times in this process,  bc left to my own devices..... judging myself always won.

Every time I was reassured..... maybe my grip on my belief I couldn't change..... loosened.

It's like a knot being teased apart..... and you don't notice when it untangles completely,  but one day..... you're free and out of it, IME. I think there's a feeling of surprise and maybe shock, when it happens.

Since you're so aware and focused..... It feels like maybe you're at that point where you're knocked back hard by failing to perfectly embrace self compassion.  It's like a double whammy and I recognize comparing self to others. 

THIS is how it feels to move toward creating new brain pathways.... being kind more often than not with yourself.

To noticing negative judgmental thoughts......
then smirk at them and say......
"Not today..."
leaving them behind, in favor or being present and super kind with yourself, as you would be to Tupp or the friend you're visiting.  It's possible.... it's just not something you've practiced before.

It's not a switch.... it's a sequences of choices you make.   It's the decision to get very curious, instead of judging ANYTHING going on in your life or your internal world. 

Just..... breathe, Hops. 

Resist judging, when you can, and think of yourself as you would a cherished friend...... then keep practicing it through the failure and tough spots,  bc those are all part of the journey.

And it's OK, Hops.

Even when it's not OK....
it's still OK.

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2020, 07:10:17 PM »
OK - I admittedly might be WAY off base here - but:
WHAT IF IT'S NOT YOUR SHAME? That it's not you who deserve shame, but those you've been so compassionate towards all this time... and haven't reciprocated?

IMO, the worst shame to deal with, hasn't been for the things I've really DONE; it's the shame I assumed for others because they didn't have the capability.

I know you to be someone who is determined to keep TRYING in whatever situation you find yourself Hops. Maybe, just maybe, you're assuming responsibility for what isn't yours to own? And that coupled with, in conflict with, the things you want & need to do for yourself is just too much to sort out?

HUGS dear Hopsie... you don't deserve to put yourself through these agonies. I don't think it's yours to deal with. Give it back to those who should own it.
-----------------------

ETA: the judgement that not doing external stuff (like other people) and therefore you've failed, is a subjective opinion. Sometimes people internalize old criticisms into our own self-judgement. And that's what I'm suggesting can be given BACK whence it was first delivered. You may not be able to pinpoint a source; and in that case I simply reject the idea that what is "success" for person A, is the same for people B,C,D etc. We each have the power & freedom to define that however we want to for ourselves.

I can't speak for the other Amazons, but I know I have been in a long space of not "doing" so much outwardly - the work is all internal right now. And that requires long days of "doing" the bare minimum so I can keep my mind and emotions on task. However no matter how much I want to "have things done"... I'm just not in that space right now. It make me feel conflicted and that I'm not even trying; but then I tell myself: tomorrow is soon enough. It did cool off and now it's back to hot & humid again... and I still need to clear out or organize what's going on in my thoughts & feelings. I'm not clear of that work yet. But I'm not beating myself up over it; not shaming myself; (Because I know shame is NOT a motivator for me.)
« Last Edit: August 02, 2020, 10:31:07 AM by sKePTiKal »
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2020, 02:45:53 PM »
(((((Tupp, Lighter, Amber)))))

Thank you all from a very moved and grateful heart.
I think shame (if it persists) is just about the most toxic human emotion,
second maybe to sadism and violence toward the vulnerable.

Having y'all come in so directly and quickly to offer me solace was moving
in the extreme. You got it. And you don't want me to get stuck there.

Even just feeling that support helped lift me out of it. Because I KNOW
it's shit! I don't HAVE to feel shit, even if I'm ADD and lazy and confused
about how to proceed with my "domestic adulting."

You know what I think triggered it?
Knowing the nice housecleaner person was coming for a second time,
and that she'd see how quickly I abandoned the tidiness and order she'd
left me with the last time. How well I messed it up.

Once I read your responses and put two and two together...I'm better.
Way better.

Bless each of you for the effort to ease that painful moment. It worked!

gratefully,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2020, 03:06:03 PM »
I have similar issues with organization and clutter, Hops.  I've just accepted that and it's OK.  When  I'm ready to work my through it, I'll have to ask for help and that's OK too.  There are levels and layers to it... some of it's super complicated.

Last night I went through 6 bags of clothing from all 3 of our closets.  It wasn't hard or difficult, it was just time. Honestly, there was pleasure in it,  bc I wasn't wrapped around an axel over it, which is how I usually approach these things.     

I'm sure I would have looked at those bags longer if I'd have judged myself or felt any shame.  Anxiety would have mounted.  I've had company and faced the possibility of being judged over the last week,  but resisted going down that rabbit hole.  What a relief.

I'm glad you figured it out.  It makes a lot of sense. 

Lighter




Hopalong

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2020, 03:19:32 PM »
Thanks, Lighter.

It must feel good to have been so productive.

Bravo!

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2020, 03:33:07 PM »
Hopsie, I think I've said this before but when I used to clean people's houses for a living I liked the untidy ones.  My worst ones were the ones were I spent three hours dusting and hoovering a house that didn't need dusting or hoovering.  Perhaps look at it this way - if you were tidying up and cleaning effortlessly then your lady wouldn't have a job!  You're giving her a wage, which she will surely be appreciative of, particularly at the moment.  Maybe look at the amount you're paying her and know that you're the reason she can buy food this week, or pay for electric, the petrol for the car, whatever it might be.  It might help if you get a pang like that again the next time she's coming.

And re the ADD and the impact that has with regard to 'adulting' - I think maybe look at that like any other healthcare problem.  It means there are things you can't do (or can't do easily).  So in just the same way you might need glasses, or that thingy they put in your chest, or your therapy sessions - you might need a nice lady to come in and do your tidying for you so you can get on with everything else.  It's a healthcare requirement.  No different to healthy eating or taking your vitamins or getting your shots at the doctor :) xx

lighter

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2020, 04:22:44 PM »
So much... accomplished?

Well... my bed is half buried under things I still have to deal with AND there's to full baskets of bags of clothing I need to drop off at Goodwill after mentally wresting with dropping them off to people I know or not,  who might use some of the things, or not.   

For reasons around zero drama policy and simplifying my life....I choose Goodwill, and it's OK I haven't finished to task, bc I feel good about it and am moving in the right direction.  I don't think I could have felt that way about it, at this stage of the task, last year. 

My room is actually lined with mostly clothing I need to deal with...and some bedding.   It's all good stuff.  It all needs dealt with.   

It's OK.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2020, 04:47:23 PM »
Idea that comes via Hol and her thrifting friends:
They get together a couple times a year to bring those donation bags of things they haven't worn in years, that don't fit or whatever... and have a casual party exchanging clothes. Social interaction/wardrobe updates.

Glad we could help you not get stuck in that Hops. One of the things that I'm finding with the combo of uproar (with Hol prepping to move out) and my current physical lethargy (thanks heat)... is that even though Hol invited some homesteading type friends to visit - and show off the hut & what we're doing here - and I KNOW there is a layer of dust, dust bunnies, and tracked in dirt from dog paws & shoes - is I'm not at ALL concerned about my housekeeping habits right now. Daily, I police the kitchen; and check the bathrooms weekly... and beyond that - there are stacks of things I want to put somewhere else... building materials for various projects... Hol's accumulated furnishings & housewares & art for the hut piled up everywhere including the guest room... and I just don't care right now.

I know; this isn't like me at all. I just don't consider it a priority. I'm doing a ton of inner work right now; and had to stop myself (again) from over-thinking the whole A&B situation based on me accepting what my real feelings are right now (impatient for him to just BE here). The physical discomfort from the heat is EXHAUSTING to me. I try not to complain about it all day long - but that's the fact of the matter. Even Buck can work in this heat, while I simply can't.

I suspect that the uncertainty of our times, waiting for the next outrageous event in the country... and the virus numbers to level off & go back down, the election, and Buck moving... are all part of that exhaustion. It was good to talk to Hol's friends about their work/projects in the homesteading realm... but that interaction was ALSO exhausting even though it was pleasant and useful.

I think maybe we can expect each of us to have these kinds of things pop up as the current jumble of life drags on without any resolution. IMO, it just means it's time to take a cocoon timeout until we're revived again.

Hugs kiddo. Make some nice tabouli - bulger, onion & garlic, cucumber, tomato, and black olives in a basalmic vingaigrette... cool meal, filling, and tasty.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #10 on: August 02, 2020, 05:55:07 PM »
Tabouli, YUM!

Waiting for the desire to match up to our motivation and vision.....
priceless. 

Being still isn't doing nothing, Hops. 

Viewing it as "sloth" or "lazyness" makes things harder, creates more suffering, slows the mission, IME.

Focusing on ONLY helpful things....to the exclusion of UNhelpful things....
being kind to ourselves, patient.... waiting for energy and purpose to arrive, rather than wasting precious energy and synapsis on judging and internal voice tracks we'd do well to banish entirely.....
THAT.

Lighter

CB123

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #11 on: August 02, 2020, 06:15:22 PM »
Hi Hops,

So sad to see the shame that you are feeling....I have written several posts and just not been satisfied with any of them so I havent posted, but I have so much empathy for you. I fear that when I post, you feel that I have everything "put together" when nothing could be further from the truth. I've just been successful in a couple of areas with little "tricks" that work in my situation--but overall I have struggled much the same that you do, just without the shame finally.

I hate it that you feel pain from my supposed competence. I wish there was something I could do to relieve that. So glad you have physical help at any rate. When it comes right down to it, that is the best and biggest help!

Much love,
CB

 
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Meh

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #12 on: August 02, 2020, 10:21:55 PM »
Maybe some people have more energy and others less for reasons beyond our understanding.

Twoapenny

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2020, 06:01:23 AM »
Maybe some people have more energy and others less for reasons beyond our understanding.

I think that sums it up perfectly, G, we're all so different, find some things easy, some things not so much.  I'm good at sorting, not good at telling people how I feel or boundaries.  Hopsie is the world leader at boundary setting and saying her peace clearly, just needs someone to organise stuff for her :)  And not for the first time, I wish I lived over there because I'd love sorting out your clutter, Hops :)

Skep, I love that idea of the clothes swap; I used to do that with friends when I was younger and it was great.  Through the lockdown I've been leaving bits out on the step with a sign saying, "Free - help yourself" and it's all gone.  Plus I got some really cute thank you cards from the kids down the road who took some of my son's old toys, it was lovely :) xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: When it's SHAME
« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2020, 07:42:32 AM »
Honestly, there is something big & important in those clothes party swaps Tupp. It's an idea.

Clothes are often an expression of our identities; at least the bits we want to show the world. It's like those characteristics used to describe people's personalities: cheerful, compassionate, helpful, contained, strong, quirky, etc. Swapping those back & forth with other people is almost like sharing those inner traits... kind of a way to say:

"Oh? you need a little of Lighter's sorting power? Here's some that fits... I'll trade X amount for your ability to put complex feelings into words". You want to trade me some peaceful flow for my stubborn, hard-headed persistence? Here ya go..."

Ideally, this is something we do here. I know Hops' "release the outcome" has been added to my stash of valuable goodies. One of my favorites ways of dealing with frustrating impasses. Maybe she'll take on a little my ability to take a big job that requires more physical strength than I've got... and chunk it down to what is manageable; accepting that it'll take more time BUT it WILL get done.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.