great Carolyn Hax moments

[Twoapenny]

I hear you, Tupp. One issue with Nmom is that she never learned (or was taught) anything about how to manage her assets or plan for her future. She got the impression from my Dad that she could re-mortgage the house if she needed funds, and she'd done it three times by the time I moved back (because the nice, kind bankers were so helpful....grrrrr). She could have sold her house but the main reason she didn't is that she loved it and assumed she could stay there forever with somebody taking care of her (me), but had no savings at all for its maintenance. She really made some foolish decisions, like giving away my father's entire collection of antique maps because the university was going to make a big fuss over her, when she could have had them auctioned for several years' income. On my paltry salary (big chunks of it going to care for my D and by the end, for Nmom too) I couldn't have it painted, new roof, pther things needed, etc. It's on an upscale street but was disheveled by the time it sold. But it has beautiful bones and to my amazement pulled a pretty decent price just a couple years after the crash.

Pleases me now when I drive past to see how much the young couple have done to it, it looks elegant again. And there are children there, which makes me happy.

Tupp, I'm glad your mother has enough resources to survive. Since your sister is still in contact with her, can she be the one to arrange any care in the future so you don't need to?
(BTW, was really happy to read you had a pleasant visit, by choice, with her. Sounded like you really stayed in the present moment and looked at her without triggers, just observing her as a human being and interacting lightly, and allowing it to feel good.)

hugs
Hops

Gosh, that sounds just like my mum, Hopsie, terrible financial planning.  She's very tied up in spending equaling status and making her look good so always buys the very best of everything.  Furniture is custom made, wall paper is hand painted, curtains and blinds are made to order.  She's always spent a fortune and when we were kids had an extensive collection of fur coats (before everyone was anti fur) and so much jewellery as well.  They've had inheritances from various people, all of which they've spent on travel to far flung locations and they've made a lot on property as well, which they've used to release equity on the house and keep spending.  I'd never suggest anyone keeps all their money in the bank while they live on dry bread and water but I do think they'd have been smarter to sell the house and buy something smaller and, as you say, keep a bit back for maintenance and repairs.  It's nice that your old home has a family with children in it now.  It's nice to see homes being used as they were intended.

I could leave it to my sister to sort everything out if need be but then that would make me the one dumping all the work on one family member, which I wouldn't feel comfortable doing.  We could do it between us.  I'm good with the paperwork, I've been doing it for years, and I'm good with finding out who's supposed to be doing what, so I could do the 'behind the scenes' stuff (ie, no contact with mum) and she can do the bits that require face to face (or phone to phone).  All hypothetical anyway, it might never be needed and if it is, she might tell both of us to p**s off anyway so it may never be an issue, but it's just something I've kind of made comfortable in my own head.  I wouldn't have felt comfortable knowing she was suffering and no-one was doing anything so I needed to square it away in my own mind - just in case xx

[Hopalong]

I could do the 'behind the scenes' stuff (ie, no contact with mum) and she can do the bits that require face to face (or phone to phone)

That sounds perfect. And now that your connection with your sister has become mature and peaceful, I'll bet you two could manage it like that.

I'm sure you'll be able to have that talk with her, some time when communication is going well (and before Mum's inevitable first aging emergency). Just the general outline that as you've handled such a load of paperwork and caregiving research, medical and bureaucratic, in raising son...when the time comes that Mum needs that, you'd be ready to handle that part of her care. With the understanding that you won't be having any personal contact. And would she like to have that agreement with you ahead of time?

Maybe just that baby step of planting the idea, but not going into exhaustive detail about scenarios yet.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I don't think it's something I'd discuss with her, Hopsie.  I've kind of got the picture in my own mind but I might feel differently if/when the time comes, or she may well do more hideous things between now and then that mean I'll leave her sitting in a wheelchair in the street rather than help her out.  I think I just like to have the notion in my head of 'what if' but I don't know that would mean it would actually happen in practise.  My sister has a lot of health problems and is semi disabled herself now, along with four kids so she might end up needing care before my mum does, it's not an impossibility really.  I've just been aware for a long time that I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my mum was completely alone and in need of care and not doing anything about that, whilst also not wanting to be terribly involved because of what she's like.  And all may be immaterial overall.  I've been amazed for a long time now that she's still relatively healthy given the amount she's been drinking for the last forty years so there may well come a time where she just goes very quickly and suddenly.  My friend recently lost her sister to drink related health problems; she'd seen her on the Saturday and they'd had lunch together.  She was absolutely fine and my friend remarked that she looked better than she had for a long time.  She got a call on Sunday morning from a neighbour who couldn't rouse her (the cat was locked out and had been miaowing outside for ages) and they found her dead in her bed.  Something just conked out in the night.  The doctor reckoned she wouldn't have felt a thing.  I think that can be a merciful ending in many ways xx

[Hopalong]

there may well come a time where she just goes very quickly and suddenly

That does sound very likely (and merciful). I hope she passes that way, and in honesty, more for your sake than hers. Your conscience about her is moving, because that says so much about who you are. And yes, every human deserves compassion. But it's equally wonderful that you're not going to lose yourself in the process (I hope not with your sister's future needs, either--you have a very full plate managing yourself and son.)

It's exactly what happened to my long-alcoholic friend Gennulman, who died a month back.

I'm glad you're not worrying about this TOO much. (I'll shove her wheelchair into the street for you if you need a hand.)

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

"I'll shove her wheelchair into the street for you if you need a hand"

That made me laugh, Hops I know it sounds a bit 'hippy', but I feel like I've just healed.  My own stuff - childhood, abuse, what she did when my son was born, all of those things - it just feels okay now.  And it doesn't feel okay like I think it was alright that she did it, it feels okay that it happened and I got through it and I'm alright again now.  I've found this last few weeks/months that when I think of her, I do think of her with compassion.  I can see her as a frightened little girl that no-one cared about, growing up in a world where women were expected to marry and have children, and where the responsibility of that marriage being a good one relied on the woman putting up with whatever her husband did.  I do know how terribly acutely she felt shame when my dad lost his business and they lost their home.  From her to go from woman about town to having to clean people's houses for a living was a huge drop in status in her mind and I know how badly that affected her.  Add in the multiple miscarriages, many years of undiagnosed post natal depression, being widowed at a young age, my horrible, brutish step-father and the decades of drink (along with possibly undiagnosed autism as well) and yeah, I can see things have been tough, and also see that things were tough for me.  I wasn't able to hold both things before; I felt like acknowledging her meant having to drop my own needs.  I think that's the bit that's changed.  It doesn't feel as emotionally charged as it used to so I can see how things were for her at the same time as seeing how things were for me.  It doesn't have to be one or the other.  And I do feel confident enough in my own boundary setting abilities now not to get enmeshed with anyone else's care requirements other than my own and son's - I can offer friendship and companionship at times, there are some aspects involving paperwork or just knowing who to contact for advice that I can help with if need be, I can send nice notes and care packages if that's appropriate - but I don't feel likely to fall into that pit of neglecting myself again.  Perhaps just enough time has passed now.  The fear I used to have whenever I thought of her just seems to have gone?  And with him, to a large extent as well - not that I feel compassion for him, he can rot in his own bed as far as I'm concerned but that huge brute of a man that I always see in my mind's eye standing in my bedroom door just looks like a shriveled up old man now.  Even he doesn't feel as scary as he used to.  Progress, I guess? xx

[Hopalong]

This is one of the most astonishing things I've ever read by you, Tupp.
In its depth and breadth it is just amazing, extraordinary. Starting where
you did? Wow.

The amount and depth of thinking you have done (finally given a few moments'
peace in which to do it) has paid off in truly sound healing. You'll still feel a twinge
or stab now and then, but you are no longer drowning. You are swimming.

I really am awed, and so very glad to read this.

Holding yourself open to the possibility of good things happening?
You are the good thing.

Mad respect,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Q: Optimist gone bad
Carolyn - I am having such a hard time staying positive. The virus, the politics, the climate change, a hero and a protector (RBG) passing. I've always had a relentlessly positive attitude. Even when I was going through tough times, I'd wake up and see the sun shining and think "this isn't so bad, it's new day." All of that wind is out of my sails. I feel so hopeless about the state of the world, and also apathetic about my day to day life, work, relationships, etc. Like is justice a thing anymore? Is truth? If it's not, what's the point? What do you do to get through times when you feel this way?

A: Carolyn Hax
I think a lot of self-described optimists just woke up to realize they're just weekend warriors who'd thought they were Olympians.

It's okay. Go ahead and feel defeated for a while and go fetal. Maybe choose better snack foods than I did.

Then get back to whatever it is you feel you were put here to get back to. This can be a small thing or something ambitious enough to qualify as life's work. Up to you.

But you might want to start with your visualizations. They, too, can be small--where you think of one thing you can do to make your day better, one beautiful thing. Can you create something, can you clean something, can you write a check to someone, can you go help someone.

Or, it can be as big as the universe. Can you summon a mental image of the earth as viewed from space? And then ask yourself to put your questions in that perspective? Can you, similarly, call up images from difficult times in history? We humans have served up no shortage of horrific-case scenarios to lean on when we think we can't do this, to remind us that people get through stuff we get nightmares just imagining. (Reminder, I'm available for birthday parties!)

Noodle around with these visuals to see if something gives you a sense of relief, or perspective, or motivation. Any one of them is a start. If that leaves you empty, then I urge fiction (whatever absorbs you), rest, try again. It may seem like unproductive escapism and a dereliction of citizen duty, but fiction is a form of empathy training. It's productive, heart-opening, mind-broadening mental rest.

Another restorative escape, or way to regroup, is self-care. Assess, then give yourself what you need.

There will be plenty to do when you're ready. If mindful rest isn't enough to lift you back up, then two more suggestions--talk to your doctor (depression assessment), and narrow your scope. You're thinking national stuff when you have only local, one-human-scale reach, and it's a recipe for helplessness for all but the very very few people who have big power. So, bring your power to bear locally, where you can see a difference. Millions of you doing that can have a history-making effect--but only if each one of you chooses to do it.

— SEP 25, 2020 2:21 EDT

[Twoapenny]

Timely, Hops, and good advice in the response, too (says the woman who's just started her morning with an hour in bed reading her 900plus page hard back blockbuster ).

I've not personally been a relentlessly optomistic person but I always used to feel that we were working towards solving problems - the various 'isms', climate change, global peace and so on.  I used to feel that was the way we were heading and that things would get better, personally and on a wider level.  I don't feel like that now and haven't for a good few years.  The ease with which people have gone back to not only accepting but encouraging the various 'isms', along with the endless demand for consumer goods shipped from anywhere in the world, regardless of working conditions or sustainability and the way in which this pandemic is being handled - those things have been a bit of a nail in the coffin for me.  It's true that you can only focus on your little bit for now - just hunker down, look after yourself as best you can and read a lot   Lol xx

[lighter]

Whew boy, Tupp and Hops:

 What an amazing thread.  I'm so glad to do some catching up.

Oh, to be released from the scary darkness, Tupp.  To step into the sunny present and fear no more.

To feel the past recede and take its rightful place.  The old man in the doorway isn't in your face anymore.....there's distance now.  What a huge shift in your universe, ((Tupp!))
 Lighter

[Hopalong]

Nice comment from a man who's a regular on the Carolyn Hax (CH) column:

"
1 day ago
 (Edited)
I agree with CH; "Unsure in Wisconsin" lives in a dark place of anger and resentment,  Having been there myself, I know it to be corrosive place where pain and embitterment exists in our/my heart.

It may be worthwhile to define embitterment:

Embitterment is a persistent negative feeling in reaction to common negative life events, and is a reactive emotion towards Injustice, Insult or Breach of Trust. Embitterment is a gnawing feeling and has the tendency not to stop.

And more of us suffer from that than we might want to admit; it may well lurk in our own underworld.

1 day ago
 (Edited)
What to do.

FWIW, I try to be in the moment when embitterment presents itself, when I've experienced Injustice or Insult or a Breach of Trust -- and anger and resentment are boiling up.

I try to feel my raw pain, fully.  I try to stay with my hostile feelings and let it speak to me, which it will do.  I mean many lives have been destroyed by not addressing our intense negative feelings.  Thus it behooves us to take responsibility for these  powerful destructive emotions.

Rather than try to address these corrosive feeling cognitively -- that is to say, with my brain, my thoughts -- I try to stay within my emotional experience, my raw feelings.

1 day ago
Beneath that anger is a wounded child who wanted to be loved and accepted but was instead rejected, mocked, and ridiculed.   So that child withdrew and tried to protect itself from that awful situation by presenting a brave front.

An endemic form of that occurs in schools and it's called bullying.

But we are an adult now and that is key.  The adult in me can mourn what happened to the child in me.  The adult in me can understand the trauma that the child in me suffered for many years but was never acknowledged nor comforted nor protected.

But you/I can.  So now we have a path forward, a path that can heal after all these years.

I wish you well."

[Hopalong]

Q: Glad I'm not famous
I need advice or be directed to resources on how to get over my own perceived mistakes and not worry about what people think of me. It's funny, because I'm a journalist (print) and on a daily basis my work is being edited and critiqued. That doesn't bother me. I appreciate a good editor/copy editor. But say I accidentally cut someone off on the road and I get honked at. I say something in person or social media that someone takes the wrong way and is offended or hurt. I'll ruminate about these things. I get anxiety. I often want to fix the record about my character and the type of person I am. I guess, it comes down to I really don't want people to be angry with me. But no one is perfect. In fact, I rarely get upset at others because I realize that most people aren't perfect. But I always worry what others think of me and my character.

A: Carolyn Hax
This could be about your wiring--I know there's a cohort of people who dwell on stuff like this, perseverate, replay conversations for days while cringing. (I'm one of them.) It's a tendency that shows up to varying degrees with anxiety/OCD, ADHD, autism, dementia ... maybe others, these are just off the top of my head, though like anything else there's no doubt a sub-clinical level of this that isn't part of any specific condition. Behaviors are less like on-off switches, more like dimmers.

Anyway. If it's really getting to you, then talk to your regular doctor (call) about relevant evaluations, or just try counseling. In the meantime, too, you can treat it as you would anxiety and adopt the various non-medical interventions that tend to work for it, like exercise, meditation, absorbing hobbies, etc. If that works, then you can skip the medical intervention part.

— OCT 23, 2020 1:41 EDT

[Hopalong]

Q: Anxiety Resources
Could you and/or the chatters share some anxiety resources? I've reached out to multiple therapists but they all have waiting lists right now and making it through the next week is going to be a challenge.

A: Carolyn Hax
I'm signing off soon so I'll encourage chatters to address this in the comments, when they're open (usually 5 to 15 minutes after I finish). Or on FB, which might have a couple of commenters already.

Here are my suggestions, all under the umbrella of Really Small Steps:

-Take care of your body. Eat moderately, exercise regularly, get your rest.

-Take care of your soul. Streamline as much as you can to keep positive people and experiences close to you and draining people and experiences away, at least for the time being.

-Occupy your mind. Idle thoughts are the raw material of anxiety. If you have reliable ways to stay occupied--hobbies, work, chores, friends, causes, music/books/TV, meditation, faith--then now's the time to line them up in your schedule from end to end.

-Believe in perspective, even if you can't quite have it right now: Bad times pass, bad feelings pass, change is constant. You don't need to Solve Everything--you just need to get through the worst feelings to the place of the not-as-bad feelings, where you will have many more resources available to be proactive.

— OCT 30, 2020 2:20 EDT

[Hopalong]

[Dunno that this applies to anyone here; just really love the succinct wisdom.]

Dear Carolyn: Every so often, my mom calls me to complain about something my stepdad has done, and I don't know how to handle it. She married him about five years ago, once my youngest sibling was out of the house, and all of us kids objected silently because he is such an obvious jerk and treats her like a servant. I also expressed concerns at the time but did not press it much, she's an adult.

But now I don't know how I'm supposed to handle her complaining about a jerk acting like a jerk.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: You handle it the way you chose to from the start, by recognizing she is an adult who can manage her own life.

Fortunately, you can do this in a more active, supportive — and pointed — way than just listening while she complains.

It’s also easy to adopt, since it consists entirely of responding to her complaints with sympathy plus a question:

“Hmm, that doesn’t sound good — how do you feel about it?”

“He said that, really? What are you going to do?”

“Huh, I can see why you’re upset. Any idea how you’ll deal with this if it happens again?”

If things escalate: “Oh, no. Are you okay with this?”

And, with care, since the tone needs to be loving, not shaming: “Why do you put up with this?”

It is hard to watch someone make choices you wouldn’t make in their position, when they clearly aren’t happy with the results themselves. It’s hard to resist the impulse to grab the reins. A carefully posed, leading question is one way to help someone that leaves the reins in the right person’s hands. Think of it as turning on a light above the passageway out.

[Bettyanne]

Hi Hops.....
Can I give you a great big hug.............(((((((((((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Wish I could do it in person........
My mother would ask everyone and anyone to do things.......for her and she got away with it??
Well she was good......the old lady who lived and worked full time until age 100.
I moved to the west coast from New Jersey because all she was doing was demanding rides to and from a shrine......where she thought she was the cats meow.......
Well the nuns and priest were taking the money she got selling used jewelry and etc etc each week end for over 42 years......she had little to do with me or my kids......
But my husband and I were good for something like driving her for over 35 years there
My therapist said the other day you need a voice........well I didn't have a voice because I was so controlled by the my asshole mother.......
Now that she died at age 100 and that was 8 years ago and now my own sweet husband is dead
at age 78......nothing I realize I can do about that
But I know I'm late having a voice but I will say to her now.......leave me alone....I never ever want to see you again......but I am sure looking forward to seeing my husband Bill again.....it took me a long time to learn a lesson......but I got it now.......
Like you I need some good and kind friends too......
I hope things will improve for you.......
Love, Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

I'll take that hug, Bettyanne!
I think it's NEVER too late to find your voice and begin speaking your truth.
And here you are doing just that. Bravo.

I think one reason I enjoy good advice columns is that they're like having a wise mother's guidance. One who really sees you as an individual and genuinely wants the best for you.

We take it where we can find it, and that's okay. Never too late.

Hugs
Hops