Thanks, Lighter. You've got it.
She called yesterday to talk through another incident. She does have her first T appointment (I believe with a trauma therapist, which is what she's needed all along) in a week or two. She was freaking out about driving for 10-15 minutes on major highways outside Detroit, what if she has to change multiple lanes?. I mentioned that I wouldn't enjoy it either but that Google Maps gives an route option to click: "Avoid major highways." Also suggested she could do a trial drive to that office, alone or with her daughter, to build her confidence she could go on her own when ready. For now, they're going to Zoom.
She has a whole lot of learned helplessness that will be good for her to unpack. Well I did advise one more thing: Every time she thinks "B has to do/be in charge of that (a man job)" -- to think it through, see if she might: a) try it herself or b) hire help (she's able to do some of that). Not go directly to "that is a man job" unless she physically can't or doesn't want to do something herself.
Beyond that, I just tried to be empathetic and reflect back. "For now, you are not ready to leave the relationship" -- (Yes. I can't.) Her reasons have a lot to do with not being able to handle the decision, other people (family) reacting, etc. A lot of "they will think this/that about me" or "he's talking to them trying to make me sound like this/that" (almost a little paranoid). And the Big One: not able to be alone. She sounded as though it's not just fear but terror of coping on her own or having her cultivated intellectually-in-control image collapse. Her practical skills are mushy. (Like mine about paperwork.) There've been some tensions with her daughter for the first time over negative comments poet makes -- odd stuff, like being sour at the grand-D's soccer game, "They're going the wrong way!" or comments like that. Don't understand that, but I figure her D is just very drained.
He continues his nasty, slicing put-downs and she continues to disintegrate every time he does. Afterward, She comes up each time with a "discussion topic" and says once they have those kinds of conversations, he often does seem to change. I believe that, just don't think it's enough, but it ain't my circus. She made a lot of comments about how people tolerate unhappiness "to survive." This is deep T work and I feel much better knowing that she decided she would make that happen.
On my end, this convo was better. I released a lot of my fix-it fantasies and just heard her, mostly. She needs so much (esp. assertiveness training) that she COULD seek out for herself there, but I thnk for now it's miracle enough that she's going to talk to a therapist and if she keeps that up, things could really turn around.
I hope so. But I'm in charge of me, and I am learning from how all that felt a few days ago. I didn't like it. She kept apologizing for "venting" and I said it would be my own responsibility to let her know: I'm happy to listen but just have a half hour today, or I'm not in a good place to listen right now, can we set up a Zoom for tomorrow? or This is good timing for me, I'm glad to hear you.
In a nutshell, this time went better and I didn't need extra wine afterward to recover!
Thanks for asking, Lighter. Relationships are precious and important, especially as I get older, so I really appreciate the attention and insights when I ramble through various sagas.
hugs
Hops
