2021 Farm Log

[sKePTiKal]

Excitement energy has returned.
5 days to B.

Whatever the last 2 months were - I needed it. Seasonal adaptation, not wanting to let him go back, just a "time-out" to just enjoy being ME, in whatever mode I was.... what I didn't need, was having to explain myself to Hol. She insists she just wants to deepen & improve our relationship.... sigh.

But I DID my therapy already; I don't need to rehash it again - and especially with her. I don't think it serves any useful purpose for her.  I've managed so far, to stand up my boundaries about it. Present her with a couple things to chew on that are true for me. And to get her to go focus on HER ISSUES; let me be. I don't understand the need to overshare so much about myself, from various systems, philosophies, or "truths" that I end up not knowing who the hell I am again.

It's not a hostile situation between us. She's a little frustrated because she's not accepting that my answers are valid. She's looking for something deeper, more solid, or maybe her own in that. I'm just living my life, doing what and as much as I want... and I don't have to explain myself to her. Jeez.

She's flailing a bit with the not working. But she has a commission for the holidays to start work on. Cutting out patterns today while the last bits of construction get completed on Hut & garage today & tomorrow. She's helping prep for a friend's birthday party this weekend in the city, so that gets her gone the day B arrives. S is working, but should be home to pick up the dog before B gets here. (There is some typical male ego crap going on between those two and Hol and I have decided THEY can work it out among themselves.) S & I have been interacting just fine as we needed to while Hol was working, so I'm not worried about it.  And I've already set boundaries with B.

Got some warmer fall weather coming in and I think Hol & I are gonna tackle yard duties again. The house is pretty well squared away; still have a few things on the to-do list. Then I think I'll get the little bit of Christmas shopping I'll do, done. And look for patterns - I've been looking at a lot of historical fashion lately. It's not something I would actually wear - but exploring it (for now; for me) to see what idea is percolating.

[sKePTiKal]

B has been on the road 3 hrs already. I'm holding down the farm, until Steve gets home; Hol will be home Sunday - she's helping organize/manage a big 40th birthday for her friend M.

[Twoapenny]

I'm really glad he's on his way Skep   I've got confused along the way, is this the big moving in visit or an interim one?  Whichever it is, I hope you both have a lovely time.

Do you find Hol kind of knows/understands less about the kind of therapy issues/inner work/sorting oneself out stuff than you do?  I'm just curious because I know what you meant when you said you'd done your therapy.  I find now that if I have/need to talk to people about 'important' stuff I need them to be people that have kind of been there and done that, rather than those who are still working through it (that's if it's to talk about me and my stuff).  I just wondered if that's the situation with you and Hol (and of course there are far more interesting and fun things to think about at the minute so you can ignore that question anyway ).  Lol.  Have a lovely time (and I hope there are no more medical dramas to have to deal with!). xx

[sKePTiKal]

This is still an interim visit, Tupp. There is going to be conversation about the final move while he's here. Main hold up right now, is getting the metal shop closed in. That's going to depend on availability of windows and doors. From what I'm seeing from people in healthcare, ALL situations are understaffed & stressed. So, there will be conversation about that too. Assuming the gov approves his appts - which we THOUGHT were approved, but weren't.  :roll eyes till I can look out my arse:  Dept of Labor has till Monday to call him, per their 3 days SOP to return calls.

Hol isn't that uneducated or inexperienced about her issues. But I do find myself reminding her of how far she's already come, a lot. I think there is some lingering self-esteem issues (which she's done remarkably well on, I think) and since she's pretty sure now she's peri-menopausal she's looking for higher level "female wisdom"....

which ya know what? I don't exactly think I have a handle on just yet. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Maybe that's just denial.

[Hopalong]

So happy to know Buck's on his way today, Amber.
What a long, PATIENT trip it's been!

I too thought it was his final move, move-in, change address, all that.
You have been a rock. No, a tree. No, a mountain.

Glad you have the place to yourself today too.
Extra-glad Hol has stuff of her own to do and is clearly still employed and not forgotten in her industry. Whew to that.

I don't know why she won't stay out of your head until you specifically invite her to come in. IME, it's usually based on past times when one (me) got needy with a child that sets up their expectation they're in charge (or invited to evaluate) our inner growth like an equal. Yagh.

But boundaries can and have and will always be re-set or re-drawn as needed. Sounds like you're doing that much more consistently, too. Bravo.

Enjoy it all, my friend. Gorgeous day for B to arrive, too.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, one thing and another, B & I ended up with Knuckles again last night. No biggie - I even tuned out his whining to be let in the bedroom (that just wasn't happening last night). He and B are catching a few extra zzzzzzzz's.

Today I think we'll graze all day on leftovers and binge watch GoT again. S'posed to be rainy next couple days. In between lots of talking. Monday is s'posed to be soggy too, and I think my fridge is too full, but one of these days, soon, I'm making a big batch of lasagna. Freezing 3/4 of it too. Hol is getting a quarter of it; she got the mowing & trimming pretty well done before she took off Friday. She should be done running to the city for awhile.

It's beyond good to have Buck here again.

[Hopalong]

HAPPY DANCE!

[lighter]

I'm so glad B's there with you, Amber!!!!

What an amazing October this is for you two!  Enjoy the leaves changing, GOT, leftovers and relaxing into whatever you choose to do, or not do.  If it rains, do another round if GoT fireside.....snuggled in bed.  In PJs, maybe.

We're planning gf lasagna for Halloween
company.  And hotdogs over the fire pit🎃

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Domestic bliss indulgence time...

Hol brought back a lot of buns from her party. I'm drying them into stuffing cubes.... while boiling down sauce for lasagna; well - simmering at this point. Sun's out; it's not too chilly to work. And the chainsaw is cleaning up the wood from our antenna install clearing.

B needs to move around and work or he gets too stiff. Except for one night, he's slept real well. So far.

Friday is two MRIs; then Tues, the infectious disease consult. That's enough for me to think about - there's one more appt with pain & spine. I think we're gonna get a hotel up that way for Tuesday's appt; the construction on 81 is obnoxious and his appt puts us in rush hour traffic. Ugh!! so not my thing.

[Hopalong]

I can smell that lasagna sauce bubbling, smell the crisp fall air, hear a semi-distant chainsaw happily roaring, see Mr. B moving steadily and gladly in the work. Just as you are.

Only imagining clouds, light on leaves, and peace when you take a break on the porch.

So so glad for you, Amber.

Very glad for B too, that he has appointments for help. All hopes and good vibes for that improvement in his support.

This is the real stuff of a shared life.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

I feel relief med appointments have begun, finally, for B's continued health journey.

Good on'ya for embracing domestic bliss in this glorious fall weather!  I hope you guys!

Lighter

One step at a time. 

[sKePTiKal]

Headed out today, for a short sight-seeing trip for B, before we check in at hotel for tomorrow's important appointment. Lots of local stuff on the way (if a bit of a detour) that are right up his interest alley. Only reason we're staying overnight up there, is because the highway is under construction - it's full of trucks - and it's a morning appt during rush hour traffic. I ain't white-knuckling that section while people are driving like maniacs.

His anxiety started kicking in yesterday; it's fueling mine too - and I'm trying to find some fun today for both of us. But the hotel was his idea. And it kicked in my imagination's devious plans for taking his mind off his fears.

[lighter]

I don't know why I battled 5oclock Atlanta traffic all those months for weekly appointments,Amber.Well, I understand the necessity for the first few visits, but then I could have changed them and didn't. 

  It's an unecessary stress.   I used my stress as an indicator to how well I was doing, I think.  Like a weekly test.   Driving into Atlanta went from trauma to pleasure, which was sea change for my nervous system...... and then I stepped away from the 5pm Friday drives. 

So, are the touristy things anything to do with apple festivals and local produce OR are they to do with mechanical things, etc?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Amber, I love the idea of turning this necessary excursion into a much simpler trip. YES hotel. YES interesting detours. YES discovery.

Might be easier to enjoy the distractions after all the appts, but a few good diversions along the way should help too.

I'm sorry B. is feeling nervous about it; I share y'alls' revulsion for really busy interstate. I've often plotted trips to be up to an hour longer so I can take the beautiful byways. Interstates are for shippers, imo.

Hope it goes smoothly and B feels confidence in his new medical team.

HUGS,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops. We did enjoy the day, the (to me) familiar roads from long ago and fun places to just be in. Lovely dinner & evening.

And the news upon arriving at the Drs. office that the visit wasn't approved wasn't well received. Still trying to digest that one. And decide how to proceed from here. Very obtuse path looking forward -- but trying anyway.

Debriefing our absence at the farm with Hol in a bit, so I'll write more later. I'm OK; he's angry, but still being rational & patient. We have one more appt, next week. IF it was also approved. I'm pretty much confused by the insurance situation he's dealing with - but trying to follow it right now. I KNOW we're missing a piece of information - but no idea what it might be right now.