Author Topic: 2021 Farm Log  (Read 3234 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #165 on: April 28, 2021, 02:46:30 PM »
No tendonitis isn't that much better. Except for the struggle to hitch up the disc, all I did was drive around in circles yesterday. Right now, Bayer Back & Body aspirin and changing pillows are my remedy, along with wearing a stiff wrist brace... sometimes. It's hot and aggravates my bony wrist - and makes it difficult to control car's steering wheel without a palm grip.

Heat wave was a bit of a factor too. Just got back from major shopping trip over the mtn w/Hol - who is either getting hit with allergies worse than previously, or still having a reaction to the vaccine. I am trying to work outside when the temp is below 80 because the heat turns me into a limp noodle. I got started soon enough; I'm a month or more ahead of last year. I think I'm going to have to turn the a/c on... and then just wear warmer clothes when it turns cooler again.

I jumped into this thread this morning to find out when I'd last posted re: meningitis. B & I couldn't remember how long it's been. It had been a monthly recurrence - like clockwork; I think it stretched at least 6 weeks till the next one this time. The thought crossed my mind, that the simple fact that someone cares and TRIES to help has some therapeutic value but I don't place a huge amount of faith in that. (Hence, Skeptical) The fact the oral antibiotics overlapped the beginning of the tincture therapy (and tincture amplifies A/B effect; this specific herb does, at any rate) probably has more to do with it.

He has been a lot more physically active in the past couple months - and over-doing it somedays too. I understand his pushing his limit has to do with increasing capacity - but at his age, you've simply got to accept that you're going to give up some strength & stamina. There is a range of balance between resigning oneself to the recliner and trying to do what you did at 40. I know because I'm trying to find my own. I can have the occasional "come hell or high water" get it done days - but only one a week max. Add too many "degree of difficulty" variables and I simply don't have the oomph.

It seemed as though he got his fever down faster this time. But I haven't gotten an update yet today. Typically, it means he's down for the count for 3 days and feeling better on the 4th. This is day 2 and I know he had various appts today, so he's running around too.

We've had some back & forth over me withdrawing some (to focus on getting my goals here accomplished for one thing) and because I'm feeling like I'm losing patience, interest, and faith that he'll really be here some day. I feel needy and clingy even expressing that frustration. But it is what it is - and he does hear me out as well as try to reassure me that he's doing all he can to "make it so". I am also aware of the "darkest before the dawn" phenomenon, so the best I can do is keep plugging away at my goals here (found wide mouth canning lids today!!) and maintain open communications... and bear with it for some time longer. I'm just sensing there might be an expiration date to my patience, since I don't have any illusions of being a patient person in the first place.

Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #166 on: April 29, 2021, 11:09:25 AM »
Amber:

I don't know about your pain, but hitching up a disc would likely set my shoulder back to healing.....day 1.  Again.😳 

Just not worth it for the type of injury I' m getting over.  Maybe yours is different.  It's difficult to ask for help with things I've always done, but shouldn't now, maybe.

When I think about B tying up loose ends, I see a man maximizing value, minimizing potential for trouble and doing things as he does....
His way, bc it feels right and doing it another way might undo him a bit.

I'm sure you've taken all that into account and given him enough truth to competently weigh out and balance his timeline, closing up an old life and starting a fresh one with you.

I know some men would drop everything and run into a new situation with every problem and mess in tow.

It's a double edged sword, isn't it?  I'd likely be equally impressed and...and..heartbroken. 

Yes.  Heartbroken, bc I'd have done everything differently when I met my lively Bill.  I did everything "right" in the situation.  Waited for his 2 year divorce to end, which meant letting his unstable ex-w have control of our timeline.  He gave her everything to get OUT of divorce court and start a new life.  I wish I'd let him finish that in his own time.  I wish I'd started the new life with him much sooner, faster....grabbed him and ran for all we were worth in the shirt time we had together.

There's no time to be wasted....is how I see it now.  My point is....we all have ways of doing things "right." 

If B knew you had 2 years only left together, would he prioritize his loose ends and stuff over being with you?

I would never have insisted the divorce be final.  B was trapped in divorce court by someone movingvthe goal post every time they reached agreements.  Ex did not want that divorce.

I see it clearly now.  I wish I could have seen it then.  It's interesting to note, I was still treated like a homewracking trollop at Bill's funeral.....Aunts commented on my "bravery" for showing my face.

I didn't wait for them, I waited for my own sense of dignity. 

When B talks about what he's finishing up....what are the words he uses?  Is it about adding value?  Maximizing profits?  Making sure his ex can't touch your life together?  Is he enjoying touching everything he owns, organizing it, filing it, etc.....bc it feels good and right?  Is best for his dd?

Where's the balance?  I can't find any balance there, Amber....not from my perspective.

I wonder what B's perspective IS.  He surely understands finite time on this earth.  With his health problems...maybe he understands something I don't.  I'm not saying he has the math wrong.  Maybe he's doing trig while I'm doing simple addition. 

What dies he say when you express the darkness and fear about waiting?

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #167 on: April 29, 2021, 02:18:33 PM »
He says he feels the same way, Lighter. And that usually leads to him overdoing some heavy physical work that he should pace himself on. IME.

Thing is, what I feel isn't conditional on what he does/doesn't do - within ANY timeframe. I know that sounds cryptic. But that's something I've come to, and try to maintain for myself because I know what a physical drain it is to sort & purge, decide, decide, decide what to keep and decide again... rinse & repeat... years of one's life. And I did it without the massive time suck of multiple medical appts at the behest of someone not me. Without kids technically "still at home" to keep an eye on. Hell, I'm still sorting & purging here from the last move.

When I express those feelings - it's not from a place of helplessness or victimization. I've told him I feel real needy & clingy just telling him about those feelings. Through that contradiction... I come to, OF COURSE I want him here NOW. I could pamper him, help him continue healing, and he could help me too with so many things. So it's an acknowledgement, essentially. The waiting IS hard. Without him right here... it feels like this is a still to be realized "relationship"... until we live it day in, day out; no matter how much we talk and reveal about ourselves. And I'm the one who insisted we'd go through this part of coming together - no strings attached. Leaving both of us free to say "enough" and do something else. It's not even a part of his head space; nor mine. No desire to do anything different. We want what we want; we work toward it; and we wait.

I haven't pushed hard on the commitment button. It's either there or it isn't. Same for me. I want what I want - just the way it is. And yeah, it's hard for me. But I'm not even entertaining doing anything else with someone else. It's just not something I would do. Even surreptitiously; hedging my bets. The commitment part was settled the first time he was here on a level that shocked both of us.

His divorce was done years ago. All that's left is splitting any proceeds from the sale of once shared home. And he's said he's not all that attached to his half. Then there's the lawsuit regarding the infection - responsible for this continuing meningitis. He will be asked to testify, because he has 4000 pages of medical history, with dates and names, in his head. It's been the totality of his reality until I butted in & made him pay attention to me.  ;}

Yeah, getting his D solidly fledged from the nest concerns him. But he's made some progress in letting go his role of omnipotent protector. This first year has been big steps forward and a little one back... and he didn't let his parental ego trump his excellent brain. And yes, I butted in there too, because I walked that road with mixed results. Some days it feels like I'm still walking it with Hol around.

And she did help me hitch up that cussed but essential time-saving, back saving disc. It weighs about 300 lbs and she did a lot of the heavy lifting with my help. Lifting doesn't bother my arm, it's the little complex movements involved in rinsing a dish or glass under the spigot, pulling the seatbelt around me in the car... all hand related. I know what needs to happen to make that easier; her suggestion would work too. But it's always gonna be a pain unless we hook it up to something and LEAVE it hitched.

It's an exceedingly gloomy day here today; overly warm & humid. But I think I prefer this to tomorrow's forecast of 50-60 mph winds.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #168 on: April 30, 2021, 10:36:50 AM »
When you write about not being a victim....nothing is contingent on B's arrival...you aren't waiting for him...
I feel a disconnect from my vantage point.

I feel perched far away, down the road, where everything ends with B and in too short time, bc that's my experience with a amazing relationship I didn't know would end so soon.

Having wasted years fighting in courts, bc I was forced to, it's the same.  We trade years of our loves for a pay off. 

I'm closing in on 60.  Maybe this is my own journey poking into your path....I think about my next, perhaps last chapter.  I want it to count.  I recovered after B died, but I don't know what I'd feel at this stage, bc life no longer feels like forever.

It feels finite and I'm fine with finite.  What I'm not fine with is wasting it on legals.....or negative people who want to waste my time for their own purposes.

And I'm not suggesting drop the lawsuit or give everything to B's ex.  I'm suggesting perspectives are very different from this tree, up ahead on the path.
Honestly, B seems some kind of special forces indestructable at this point, but my tree knows better.

Regrets.  That's what I see from my tree. 

Avoidable regrets. 

I don't suggest I have solutions, bc I don't.  I'm suggesting things we look back on.....and would have changed, had we known time would be so short.

I think I just had an epiphany, of sorts, myself.  Maybe there's nothing in my posts for you, Amber.  Maybe they're for me.

Not sure, but I understand having to strap my arm to my side to stop all thise little motions you speak of.  In my case, my shoulder gets better.  It sounds like yours is chronic and I'm so sorry to read that.

You get stuff done and keep us updated.  It's an exciting time on the farm.
Lighter🚜



 



sKePTiKal

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #169 on: April 30, 2021, 05:26:41 PM »
Hey - cool if you came to a choice that's different than mine, by walking thru this rambling discussion. I myself go back & forth a bit - some days aren't a problem; some I swear I can't take another day of waiting - then that day passes. It seems like it's my ability to handle the wait that varies, day to day.

Fortunately, I get no whiff of fear of commitment, game-playing, or plain old waffling or stalling from him. It just takes as long as it takes since he can't put forth the effort he could've done before he was injured. I suspect there might be a good bit of processing the past going on too, for him, as he cleans out stuff from the last 20 years. And it's likely a good thing he does that processing before he's here.

Hopefully, we're down to just a few months max, of wait now.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #170 on: May 03, 2021, 03:45:21 AM »
Do you feel like you are with Buck even though he's not there, Skep?  I only wondered as I was reading your posts because I know how close I feel to you guys on here, even though I've never met any of you, and I've not seen my best real life friends for nearly two years now - but I feel close to them and feel like they're part of my life all the time.  I just wondered if you felt that with Buck as well (although I can understand it would be nicer to actually have him there in the flesh).  I guess Covid has probably slowed some things down a bit as well.  I felt a pang when you mentioned a 4000 page medical history, dear Lord, I understand that!  Much of it probably unnecessary as well, given the amount of faffing about they've done.  I hope your arm feels better soon.  It's weird how smaller movements can cause more problems.  I did something hideous to my thumb once; had never had any idea how many times a day I used my thumb until I stopped trying to use it :)  So I hope your arm is doing better now xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #171 on: May 03, 2021, 09:32:08 AM »
Some days yes, I feel almost as close to him, as if he were here. And since I can talk to him about anything & everything that helps too. Those are usually good days; he can go on & on about something I'm not overly interested in sometimes - most guys do - but that's OK.

And some days, it's exactly that that shines a bright light on how he's not here. He can't see me roll my eyes over the phone.

I'm still having wild dreams, so I know I'm still processing; releasing something deep. So it's not like I'm just twiddling my thumbs trying to fill time - ALL the time - ;).
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #172 on: May 04, 2021, 09:50:30 AM »
Lol, I don't like doing Zoom or Facetime because I have to remember not to pull faces at the things people say :) I do hope he's able to get things sorted at his end sooner rather than later xx

lighter

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #173 on: May 04, 2021, 10:09:15 AM »
Zoom.  Yes. 

YesterdayDD18 and I were sitting in on Zoom nutrition coaching session I found particularly overwhelming (water and fats.)  I'd apparently given up caring what my face was doing, bc NRP stopped the session and asked if I was OK. 

I wasn't.

I'd prefer sessions w/o Zoom.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #174 on: May 04, 2021, 10:15:40 AM »
I used to use online face to face vid a decade ago; won't go anywhere near it now and poor B isn't all that technically apt - even though a lot of his med "appts" have been virtual this past year.

Tupp, when you're processing some deep old pain do you also have physical manifestations of that pain? Given the vividness of my dreams lately - past couple weeks - and my wrist, I was wondering just how weird I am. LOL. Left wrist and sposedly the right side of the brain controls left side of body, IIRC - and tends to be more centered on emotions than the left brain. But that's old theory so I don't know if there's evidence that's negated that or not.

Anyway, because immobilizing that wrist ALSO is painful... I tend to try to move my hand gently to keep circulation moving and loosen any tightness without pushing it to the pain movements - which honestly are unexpected for me. And my brain connected with a tai chi move called cloud hands - arms & wrists alternate circles, while taking side steps... and the wrists rotate independently (but in sync) with arms. I know that sounds complicated and it was to learn too! But there is a free-flowing chi circulation that's stimulated in that move - IF - one can manage to eliminate tension in the process and achieve the body's softness which allows the energy to move. Tension - whether emotional, mental or physical, as in putting forth strength CAN block chi circulation.

But since the dreams started about the time I realized I hurt it again... my brain kinda obsesses on 'solving the problem' by starting to look for a connection. Maybe it's as simple as my subconscious trying to get my attention to amp up self-care for a bit?

 :undecided:
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #175 on: May 04, 2021, 10:51:47 AM »
The Egoscue clinic has a book out Pain Free....they also have info on the internet, some specific to wrist pain.

Twoapenny

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #176 on: May 04, 2021, 01:01:03 PM »
Lighter I am laughing at your face telling the nutritionist what you thought :)  And I will look up that Pain book, thank you.

Skep, yes, I feel like I've been run over!  There is literally not a part of my body that doesn't hurt, head to toe, everything is painful and difficult to do, zero energy, even thinking feels like too much effort.  Terrible headache, I feel terribly sick and I find it almost impossible to do anything to get myself out of it again.  It does start to wear off after a few days but I feel like a 90 year old woman.  I felt better this morning after doing Qi Gong last night but as the day went on I could feel my neck, shoulders and jaw seizing up again so I will do more tonight before I go to bed.  So yes, I definitely think emotional stuff can cause physical problems.  We are equally weird lol x

CB123

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #177 on: May 04, 2021, 05:19:54 PM »
Tupp, what you are describing sounds a whole lot like fibromyalgia--including brain fog. Have you ever had anyone tell you that you might have that? There's not a lot that can be done for it, but knowing that's what it is can sure make you feel less like a failure. It's a physical thing.

I have had it for a long time. It is worse some days than others.

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Twoapenny

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #178 on: May 05, 2021, 12:38:22 AM »
Tupp, what you are describing sounds a whole lot like fibromyalgia--including brain fog. Have you ever had anyone tell you that you might have that? There's not a lot that can be done for it, but knowing that's what it is can sure make you feel less like a failure. It's a physical thing.

I have had it for a long time. It is worse some days than others.

CB

Sorry you have that, CB, my sister has it and it's a nightmare to deal with.  It has crossed my mind before before but healthcare here is so bad that I think the stress of getting a diagnosis would finish me off :)  It only happens when there's an emotional upset of some kind.  If I can avoid emotion I'm fine!  Lol x

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2021 Farm Log
« Reply #179 on: May 05, 2021, 09:45:48 AM »
Yeah, psychosomatic reactions are a real thing; not just "all in your head". I sure don't understand how it all works, but I agree with Tupp, that if there's some serious emotional thing I'm going through... if I don't address it, it will come out as pain or feeling ill.

You can't run; you can't hide.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.