Yeah, it's interesting to note Hol's reaction to me inserting some space & distance between us. There's a bit of desperation and a fair amount of confusion about what she did "wrong" - altho it's unspoken. So she adopted a short list of things to do to "help" Mom and has accomplished those.
Today's plan is to get my seedlings into the ground in the garden, and she offered to help with that too. So far, no discussion of this topic - just the usual coordination of work, projects, activity. Steve and I are interacting a little more easily.
Her regular dumping the contents of her head to me re: her feelings, and then projecting how I would handle things (according to her imagination or perhaps fantasies based on only a few exceptional responses I've had over the years) is feeling toxic to me and all I want to do is go about my work & day, at my pace... the way I do things... without having to hear any suggestions about a faster, better way to do things. The most efficient isn't always the "best" - especially with plants - hence, corp agriculture issues. When it comes to plants, Steve is more on my wavelength.
I brought up (mistake, I know) my old issues regarding the gardening work - relationship related; all in the past; but I've had a dickens of a time changing that. During those years, she refused to have anything to do with that work but wants to learn now (mouth says). But when we're "doing" - it's her way that gets shoved onto me - instead of her watching, waiting for me to tell her why I do things this way, the science behind the art... etc. And her conviction that I'm too decrepit to do this myself, effectively...
also makes this fraught.
Yeah, I know she's working on all those things about herself that irritate the crap outta me. Yeah, I know she has a whole different mindset about "work" when she's working film production. Different environment & different priorities. It's just the perpetuating feedback loop of working while being sensitive to each other's issues and who we are, that is trying to find a way to succinctly "be" and be expressed.
And it's temporary. We're working through it like all the other places we rudely abrade each other with our separate styles and expressions. In the greater scheme of things - she is learning something thru this. So am I. (Teaching always teaches the teacher, too.) We have done pretty well the past 3 years so far, no permanent injuries.
But in the near future, Mom's gonna have her own helper in-house, who isn't going to have as many external to the farm distractions to schedule around. I won't need as much assistance from her. That probably spikes her anxiety too.
She knows it's her job to manage herself & her feelings. So, I'm simply gently reinforcing it by creating a little distance and letting her sweat things out herself. Maybe by the weekend, we'll be ready to talk. No silent treatment, just no personal stuff in conversation. For now.
I'm still trying to heal up my damn wrist - and it IS better. But the work can't wait any longer; temps are right for planting. Seedlings need to be divided anyway or go in the ground. I cleared the early weeds out of the kitchen garden again yesterday and found volunteers of red leaf lettuce from last year. The potatoes I planted but didn't harvest last year are also up in the big garden; still all roughly in a row despite my vigorous plowing & discing.
Despite both of us living & working here - she still needs to have her own life. I need mine. Or we're both going to get pretty crabby. Her idea of what my life should be like isn't what I want - it's what she wants for her. She is coming around to realizing that, but talk about slow to germinate!! It's almost as bad as when she's trying to make a decision... which drives me nutz - either do or don't do.... do research & homework, yes; don't go in blind... but make a damn decision before life makes it for ya!!!!! Jeez.... I hope I wasn't the source of her learning to completely overthink everything to death... without listening to self & intuition. And yet, she's also spontaneously reckless. Go figure.
This is a whole lotta words to talk about something small; a refinement between the two of us. It's not nearly as bothersome or irritating as the amount of words suggests. But there are all these different shades blended together in how I feel about things and the whys behind it.
