2021 Farm Log

[Hopalong]

Poor B. I'm sorry to hear he's going through this (but happy to hear that in 30 days he might be on the mountain and can begin getting used to it). Transitions are so hard, and they get harder as we get older.

When my poet friend moved and nearly lost her mind for a bit from stress, I kept telling her over and over: this is normal, normal, normal. The psyche absolutely hates moving even for positive reasons. It wants what's familiar. It needs to GRIEVE what is being left behind even if the person is moving toward a happier future. The psyche gonna take-in-process-everything at its own pace and we have to trust it. So if you keep reminding B that despite all he deals with, the emotional reactions are normal normal normal and will subside...maybe that'll help.

As to his pain, actually ashwagandha might help him sleep. It subtly, but actually, calms the central nervous system.

I'm sure he knows about TENS units.

What about acupuncture? Is there a chance a highly experienced acupuncturist could help him?

I wish I had more to suggest. Definitely one of his new appointments needs to be the best pain specialist in the area. I was stunned by what a difference they made when I had back pain so bad for years that I was on opioids and it just never let up.

hugs and hope,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

So, the last appointment has been (tentatively) made. Now waiting on gov approvals. Sigh. At least his anxiety has abated somewhat.

I guess I'm seing how easily triggered he is, over the usual bureaucratic stuff that drives the rest of us nutz - but isn't unusual or that big a deal in the general scheme of things - to US. For him, he's been ignored, abandoned, and pushed to the side so many times... it's no wonder it's triggering his worst fears. He doesn't want to be incapacitated; and is in a bit of denial about the physical state of his body. He's so used to pain, and yet has stayed strong enough to "carry on" doing, that he endures what he shouldn't push himself into because "it has to get done". Sigh. Stopping him, requires me distracting him usually. I'm not always successful.

Some of this stress is because he has created a timeline in his head that he is trying to hold to -- for moving here. Anything that slows that down or makes it more complicated is NOT in his agenda. And he isn't able to adjust/adapt that easily. It's the old "way things should be" vs "the way things are" discrepency, I think - along with some emotional attachment to ideas that aren't that relevant anymore in his life. I get the issues with feeling like your own body is betraying you. It's a real bitch admitting your getting old.

I've put myself into a large cocoon of cottonwool since Hol's been working. I rather like it - but I'm not getting much done. And the weather is working against me too, with several days of rain in a row. Temps are finally suitable for the work I need to do - and it's too wet. So I'm mostly just trying to keep my brain from turning to mush. I think I let myself get run down & tired... and with the seasonal adjustment hitting too... I'm kinda "checked out" from a lot of stuff. Having a hard time even doing the little Christmas shopping I thought I'd better get a jump on what with shipping delays being what they are.

Just... moving slow, not doing a whole lot... and enjoying not being hot everywhere. LOLOL.

[Hopalong]

Your brain will be turning to mush when I become a superheroine, Amber.

Seriously. Do you ever sit back and take note of the massive (both mental and physical) energy output you've been emitting nonstop ever since Mike died and you moved to the mountain?

You know about nature. You live in it and love it. But sometimes, imn-ho, you are bemused why you are reacting like an exhausted animal. Exhausted animals hit the wall and accept they must slow down. Nature sometimes moves SLOWLY, in healthy cycle.

Don't beware all the work ahead because you basically love doing it. But maybe do beware your capacity to blunt or bull through your own exhaustion because... well because, why?

You deserve an adaptable pace with ZERO self criticism. No doom implied. Just...let yourself have the natural cycles you respect and care about in everything else. It's okay!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

What is that bright light overhead? There is no wet stuff falling from fuzzy gray clouds... My streams are running and giggling, softly - like kids sharing a secret at a slumber party. Everything is sparkly from the past days of rain.

Dang it; it'll completely ruin my turn toward winter gloom & cocooning....!!!!!!! LOL, the forecast is for that kind of "perfect fall weather" people try to put on postcards - do they still make postcards?

I'm dogsitting the next couple days again. And Hol will be home tomorrow evening for a long weekend. The metal shop is moving on, apace. And I haven't quite shifted gears yet, into taking advantage of the weather (give me a day).

[sKePTiKal]

Not a lot going on to write home about. Which is, I guess, about the most positive "report" one could expect these days, right? LOLOLOL. I've always craved long stretches of what most people consider "boredom" because that's what fuels my creativity.

Hol unexpectedly had this week's work schedule cancelled; seems covid-related but there hasn't been a lot of official word yet. So, we're gonna catch up on the landscaping chores. She's concerned I'm just too passive and not physically active enough. More on that in a bit. Ronnie was by; it's already bow season here and I had no idea.

The new bookkeeper is going to require a little hand-holding & training. But that's OK. To be expected... I got very used to Sandy's way of doing things (she trained ME) so now I kinda need that to continue. Business picked up a little this year and it's off the "crisis of the week" list now.

I think I might need to get a second woodsplitter. My equipment seems to be migrating to the Hut and it's a production to hitch things up, drag them where I want them, when I just get a wild hair to go do some kind of work. (It happens, even if Hol doesn't notice it.)

B's shop is coming along; we're waiting on siding, soffit & gutters, windows & doors. Then we'll need to work on wiring the interior once B figures out his layout for equipment, workbenches, etc. He's been feeling mostly OK; I'm pretty sure that he shouldn't be doing all this heavy work anymore... not on a regular basis anyway... but I might as well try to reason with the rocks. He's got all his appointments taken care of finally, rental lined up, and will be here awhile again. And I think it's time we have the "serious" talks. All the practical considerations of him being here; the organization of same; what he's expecting... what I'm expecting... and how we can "make it so".

This time around of being separated, I haven't had the energy or inspiration to do more than just rest, settle, and kinda deal with the reality of what is here. Right around me. I'm not exactly writing much; not doing much of anything really - not even cooking yet. And it feels like the right thing to me. Hol isn't liking it much and is kinda trying to figure it out but there's nothing to figure out. It's a seasonal thing for me. The heat is no longer an excuse for being lazy; I've been enjoying the transition so far. Soaking up the cooler sun. Not even thinking about how close the time is getting till B is here and not leaving again. (Resisting letting myself get excited.)

His medical issues are part & parcel of his everyday experience. Managing pain is going to be a big part of that. The jury is still out on the new docs and so I'm still looking for alternatives out in the herbal space. Doesn't seem to be a whole lot in the category of "painkillers" that doesn't have some legal issues around it. My searches so far, into mind-body and neuro stuff isn't going anywhere "durable enough"... but I'll keep digging.

Well, I've been pinged by Hol - who is probably cleaning up her breakfast dishes and ready to rock & roll today. I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle the work outside in my robe, jammies & slippers..... LOLOLOL. The old reasons I needed to guard my "morning space" no longer exist and this habit no longer serves a useful purpose. It's not well-aligned with life out here, especially as the days get shorter.

[lighter]

Amber:

You're very attuned to B and his health so I likely am saying this without any need for concern. 

When B finally lands, he won't have had the little break from doing doing doing you've had.

He's been paddling hard and long....trying to get to you....get doc's and possessions sorted and the house ready for sale....closing chapters. Opening new ones.

He might not ever slow down.  He might never decompress.  I'm curious if he knows how or is willing to learn, for his health's sake.

When I read...."I think it's time we have the 'serious' talks..." my stomach did a backflip, all on it's own.  Surprised me.  Possibly all about me and my stuff....nothing to do with you and B.

 Likely, in fact.

I'm glad your plans and projects are ticking along.  I vote yes to a second wood splitter if everyone splits a lot of wood. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

20 days till Buck returns...

Lighter, because he's spent his whole life in the military and has been deployed on short notice for multiple jobs in various locations or extended amounts of time it's dawned on me that he's absolutely used to separations and long-distance relationships. And he is absolutely dependent on staying busy to help his brain problem-solve instead of feel pain. Until he can't go anymore, THEN he slows down. Like all of us, he's found what works for him in trying to cope and regain some control over his body again. (Docs said he'd never walk -   )

He is both stronger & more fit than most men his age -- and more at the mercy of his compounded injuries -- at the same time. While mostly being the happiest weirdo I've ever met. Yeah, like the rest of us - things make him angry, or hurt him. And he doesn't make any excuses for his emotions - they're just there; and like the rest of him - what you see is what you get. And he manages his emotions very well. I really like that about him. No mind games, no over-thinking, up front, direct - and blunt is just fine with me. (He doesn't think he's very good with words; that's bullshit. He's fine with words.) Some people are sensitive to that way of being - feel it's dominating - but it isn't. He's not made any demands of me; and the requests are few and far between too. Cookies - he needs cookies. And meatloaf.      OH, and lots of gravy.

I just haven't had the get up & go energy, this separation, that I had previously. So many of the things he's dealing with, struggling with, would be non-existent or easier if he was here. But, for someone who's been alone for 20 years, that's a huge change... no matter how tempting it looks, he and I both have enough experience to worry over the types of things we've experienced in the past. And with my "winter mentality" setting in early - my retreat into cerebral stuff - I'm sure that looks (on the outside) like passivity, but it's honestly not. I am dealing with a lot of stuff that I'm managing about ME, in my head and emotions.... and I'm just not overly fussy about the doing side of things right now. I want to FINISH what's already been started; I'm not ready to add new stuff. I think Hol is about the same wavelength too. Even if she's constantly telling me what she thinks I should be doing -- instead of what I'm doing. 

One of my online friends, very suddenly lost her husband to a massive heart attack last week. He was studying for a medical degree and was an author in Norse history/archeology/etc. Her needs are being met, for the moment, where she lives. So, no worries there - but a lot of us are sad for her.  Deb is coming out for another weekend Friday. Her birthday is this weekend, and I've been wanting a reason to make this decadent butter & brown sugar cream cake. She's been working hard at losing weight lately - the recent stress she went through jumpstarted the process a lot - but there's no reason not to celebrate a little. She hasn't been drinking alcohol, so I made an herbal simple syrup that we mix with a little fruit juice and seltzer water for her. She's been sounding better. Laughing more. And her plan of waiting till spring to try to buy a place makes sense. Her base requirements are a tad unusual, so it's going to take awhile.

So, while to Hol, it looks like I'm "not doing anything" - I have lots going on. I don't need to jump into the middle of "doing" to do it either - sometimes it's just connecting with someone, or guiding, or teaching/researching and turning them loose to succeed/fail as they do.  I have no desire to beat myself up physically working 12-14 hr days.

That said, there are some things I want to accomplish before Buck gets here this time. So a short list is in order. I cooked yesterday for the rest of the week. And I need to finish those jeans....   

[Hopalong]

Your idea of hibernation is mine of full-tilt boogies, Amber!

Gotta dash but this popped up:
Why not make an amazing angel-food cake with a straight raspberrry (or anyberry) drizzle for Deb?

I'm projecting. When I'm really trying and beginning to feel a little control (re. eating right) and I allow myself one "decadent" binge before I'm ready...it can start what I'd call a sugar slide (or carb catastrophe).

I'm glad she's coming and things are going so clearly and calmly with you re. B!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well I'm glad he's on his way, Skep, even though it does all sound like the medical stuff is still a pain in the a.  I wish they could get all of that sorted out smoothly so he just didn't have to keep jumping through the same hoops over and over again.  Maddening stuff.  I'm glad he's properly on his way, though

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Tupp. This time it's harder not to totally miss him....

I've been in a state of suspended animation, it feels like. Still doing things; but sleep walking through it. I'm like holding my breath till he's sitting next to me again. It's the feeling that I was working hard on avoiding previous times we've been separated. I think because this was just a couple months separation, I figured I didn't have to discipline myself, set some ground rules... because it wouldn't be that long and momentum would prop me up through it.

Oopsie. I was definitely wrong. I finally cracked last night & called him. Just to hear his voice. His kitty had a tough "cat dignity" evening - and it was funny in a totally pure way. Mr. Stinker on the other hand, has been velcro cat. Totally attached to me and super lovey.

It hasn't helped a lot that Hol's been home unexpectedly. IATSE did vote to strike; so last-ditch negotiations are still going on. Her production shut down unexpectedly this week, due to a vague Covid excuse. She's in the mid-life re-examining everything phase... wants to know why I'm not in the same phase as she is... and not accepting that I've already done that work; changed what I could change... and now just want to be left alone to live my life anyway I see fit. Bettering humanity and myself sounds like too big a project to me. I got enough to work through, right here. And none of it is interesting enough (even to me) to talk about and make a "deal" about it.

I think I'm firmly ensconced in my old "in the world and not of it" mentality again. And it's cozy right now. Doing what I can and have to do... want to do. Not going out of my way to stick my nose into things I can only say "ain't it awful" about... and not feeling called to participate in teaching anyone anything about anything.  It's the inner child, crossing her arms, sticking out her tongue, saying "NO", "I don't wanna". It's someone else's turn.

[Hopalong]

I don't think it's your inner child that's resisting being goaded by Hol into taking on more intensity or activism than you feel capable of right now. I think it's your inner adult saying No, that's all. Not only do you have a right to live your life now as you see fit, but at our age, imo, we have an obligation to ourselves to measure ourselves by our own rulers, so to speak. Not theirs. It really is a generational blame game and I won't play it any more either.

The world is under intense duress and everyone's looking for someone to blame. In families, it's often frustrated adult children who blame parents for all of it or unconsciously want their own parents to fix it. Boomers' fault? Boomers gotta fix. It's a huge oversimplification and she's be better off joining campaigns against soulless, conscienceless corporations or political destroyers rather than Mom, imo.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops; that's very spot-on.

Yeah, I thought maybe being shop steward on that last production would lead her in a new direction. She absolutely NEEDS a cause or a project - but isn't taking on any new stray people. She drew a solid boundary with 3 who were inordinately dependent on her... and gave back very little. She is taking her energy into her studio; putting it to work for herself, I think. She isn't sure HOW to do that, but I think she'll figure it out. One of her real friends, wise to the world and knows her well, said she should get into politics. LOLOLOLOL. That's currently a no-go for her too. Politics would have to change completely from what they are now.

But, whatever - all that is up to her to figure out and "not my job". She's gotten a wild hair to drive to B'more today to pick up all the stuff she left, in anticipation of going to work this week. I'm dogsitting... and have to run out for a few supplies for the weekend. Deb's running away out here again. It'll be good to have adult company.

The B thing has been bugging me - the way I felt (just now resurfacing from being submerged in it). It's like part of me was missing and while I was going through the motions of doing things, I just wasn't "there"; in hibernation or something. Some of it has to do with the boundary work, that Hol and I are doing together (and much as I complain about her, we are doing pretty good that way).

But it could just be fall, too. The quiet, subtle energy & light shifts... before the full on crazy-creativity push hits again. Dunno; it feels kinda different than that. But I'll figure it out. Gotta bake a pound cake... so I need to make the run for "supplies" soon.

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe CB; but not for this production. They've shot the special effects called for in the script already - so her work on it is effectively done. She's pretty sure she's looking for something else to do for money - probably more than one thing, but it'll all be at home without the commute/having to find a place to stay.

I'm still trying to include her on all the business stuff too - with an eye toward stepping down at some point in the future. Or at least BACK, from being the go-to "answer man" all the time.

[sKePTiKal]

6 Days till Buck returns.

I have gone all quiet, still, and empty for these two months. Nothing to say. Just letting the days pass. That energy is starting to lift now, and I'm shifting back into something more active. I'm not depressed; not totally a slug either. Still doing things but not at a frenetic pace. Some of this is just the winter "hermiting" mode descending... it was a useful safe place to heal my loss of Mike. So I think I let myself get attached to that idea as something I needed. And the reason why that was such a good thing. AT THE TIME.

It is no longer a good thing - not that I have anything pressing that needs to be done - apart from the garden and getting Buck here instead of still moving in, as he can. I think I kinda made his presence a condition upon which I based my energy for change and activity. Then used it as an excuse to just shutdown for a bit. It allows the deeper emotions to come up, with that much silence and stillness. And let them go.

Yeah, we're really doing this. Yeah, I really do want to do this - despite all the things I know he deals with. I deal with my set o' crap too. I fixed his jeans, but they are so pathetic I think I'm going to buy him a new pair. Yeah, I know - favorite pants & shirts - I kept a set of sweats past the point of them being fabric anymore. 

Been thinkin' alot about getting back into sewing right now. Don't know what yet. But I am making myself moccasins.

[Hopalong]

I hear peace, patience, preparation and presence from you, Amber.

I hear the stillness, lovely silence, drawing-in for the cold season.

So changed by the one for your heart, who'll weather this winter with you. And share the quiet heartbeats, unrushed talk, music you each enjoy sharing with each other.

I know the mountain must be showing the season. All things in nature obeying the calls that signal them.

It sounds as though you're doing something very like. So glad for you, friend.

hugs
Hops