Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist

[Meh]

For quite a while I pretty much suspected I've got a PD of some sort, I think it would be almost impossible to have two parents with Narcissism and not end up with the same.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm on the Narcissism spectrum like covert/vulnerable variation of Narcissism. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that right now. Maybe I will read about it or something eventually when I get around to it.

I mean I've kind of figured it but I never fully put the name to it.

[lighter]

Mouse:

I'm not going to inalidate your conclusion.

I am going to ask you why you believe you're on the N spectrum opposed to having fleas after a childhood raised with N parents.
 
Without judgment,  what are your thoughts?

Lighter

[Meh]

Oh Hello there, Lighter,

That's okay, I don't feel invalidated with the question.

Deep Sigh. I'm in a mode of emotional exhaustion and sometimes I feel like communicating and other times I feel like I don't have any words.

Lets see, mainly descriptions of Covert/Vulnerable Narcissism fits me pretty well I think. To be more specific, I'd have to go and look at the list again closely but **shame** is a big one, covert Narcissists are dominated by shame and this rings a bell if I really reflect honestly. I'm also introverted/avoidant/"loner" type. I probably have lack of empathy at times, I don't know.

While back the idea of HSP/Highly sensitive person also came about, I've not dug into it to see if it's been debunked or whatnot but it was said that some people have a personality trait of being HSP. HSP sounds a lot like covert Narcissism to me, yet they could be two different things, I'm not expert.

Narcissism is all about one's emotional development and whatnot.

I don't mind calling myself a Narcissist if I am, I've got a stronger interest in understanding myself than trying to be something I'm not.

I think I will write more later.

Getting a real full psych evaluation early on in life would have been a nice thing, I've always felt "off" in some way. I think having experimented with anti-depressants when I was younger was a bit of a coverup really. So now many years later anyhow  I've still got doubts about my own makeup.

[sKePTiKal]

I would be careful just sticking a label to myself, even if you recognize you have some of the traits in the description, because part of the diagnostic process is determining self-awareness of the issue, whether one has any self-control/ability to work toward change, etc.

The other reason I wouldn't recommend that, is because I'm aware there's a way that some children of N's - especially those hooked in the mini-me syndrome - take on some of the parent's attitudes and behaviors as a kind of protective camoflauge. The parent's self-esteem is based on the little apple not falling far from the tree, right? So the kid unconsciously mirrors the parent to HIDE THEIR TRUE SELF, from the flip side of incurring the irrational wrath of the N... simply for being themselves and different from the N.

[Meh]

Thanks for the reply Skep.

Technically I can't truly self-diagnose because I'm not an expert. For practical reasons though sometimes one needs to self-diagnose I think. People informally self-diagnose all the time.

Long time back I read about adult children of Alcoholics and I thought yeah that's me.

If I were to combine ACOA/HSP/Covert Narcissism. So adult children of alcoholics, highly sensitive people, Covert Narcissism, Anxiety, Depression, well whatever the case may be it's not a healthy individual, it's a picture of something neurotic.

I could just say "I'm neurotic" I've got a complicated correlation to my interest in the cult/political/brain washing stuff. I'm essentially high on the neurotic-of-some-type scale and combining that with any sort of indoctrination it's just a clusterferk.

As always I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I just ramble to get my thoughts and feelings out.

We aren't supposed to admit that something is wrong with us, people are meant to save face, wield credibility.

The person I want to believe I am, how I want to see myself might not be the same as how I actually am. I'd rather not do denial to myself in a world with so many layers of fabrication and denial etc.

I do get your point that it seems negative to slap a label on.

This sounds strange, when I imagine the "inner child" I also image a lot of violence. It's an odd message to come from my inmosphere.

Maybe I'm a lot more insecure than I ever allowed myself to admit to.

There was something about a comment said to me, a person pointed out that she thought I was probably very sensitive and she said "I bet you're an artist." I'm not trying to read too much into it, it's just that I'm not even aware of the vibe I put off to the world. I've has other friends say that to me out of the blue "sensitive." I don't really see sensitive as a complement especially if I'm also rather unempathetic(maybe), again I think sensitive is a socially acceptable way of saying a person has a neurotic vibe. Bleh. I'm tired thinking about it. There are just times when I think my self-perception is so incomplete and off the mark of reality. Maybe I just want to get my self-perception inline with who I am instead of the way I want to see myself.

[Hopalong]

Just want to add one word that has struck me strongly about you, Mouse, ever since first reading you....fwiw, I take it literally/seriously.

See it, hear it, sense it.

Creative.

hug
Hops

[Twoapenny]

For what's it worth, Mouse, I've always thought that 'sensitive' is a really nice compliment.  I think, unfortunately, in this cut throat world of madness that we live in, 'sensitive' people often get caught under the bus so I think for many it does take a negative connotation.  But I think we desperately need more sensitive, artistic, creative people and far fewer mass producing crap in factories where no-one gets paid much.

Maybe the world seemed like a very violent place when you were a child and that's why it's linked with your inner child when you think about that.  I know I never felt safe as a child and to me the world, and the people in it, have always been very scary, even if they weren't violent or openly nasty.  I just never met many that were nurturing or secure enough in themselves to put a child's needs first.

I have a similar obsession with serial killer documentaries and true crime shows.  I think it's two things with me - there's always a hero cop in these programmes, the one who puts in all the extra hours, notices the clues other people don't, makes it a personal cause - and they get their man.  So it's someone who cares (I don't feel like I got that) and justice is served (I didn't get that, either).  So it kind of feels like I'm watching other people get what I didn't.  For some reason I find that helpful.  I also have a thing, I think, where if I can recognise abusive behaviour, I can keep myself away from it.  Almost feels a bit instructional. I do think I watch too much of it and there are times when I make myself switch if off because it's probably not good for my brain to watch too much.  Maybe there is something in the cult/brainwashing thing that reminds you on some level of things in your past and it's a way of trying to learn more or understand it all better.  I feel like I got out of a cult when I got away from my mum and when I watch documentaries about that sort of thing it is amazing how so often it's a charasmatic person who slowly chips away at people until they lose themselves and just do what they're told is best.  It does send chills down your spin.  I think you're a good egg, Pseudo Mouse, whether there's some kind of diagnosis to dig into or not xx

[Meh]

Hiya, Hops,

Yes, I've been called created a lot too.

Maybe the world seemed like a very violent place when you were a child and that's why it's linked with your inner child when you think about that.  I know I never felt safe as a child and to me the world, and the people in it, have always been very scary, even if they weren't violent or openly nasty.  I just never met many that were nurturing or secure enough in themselves to put a child's needs first.

Two, I think you make a really good point here about if a child feels safe or not, and how that could make the world "scary." I had not quite thought of it that way.

[Meh]

I know Narcissists are basically the bad guys so I think y'all are opposed to the idea in a way.

I like to pick through my garbage. I really think there is an odd quality of my identity being fragile and protective. It's really insulting to me when someone wants to change or access my identity in any way but I guess that might be a normal reaction also, still it feels threatening.

Rosie glasses aren't my thing, I do really get that framing things positively is more motivating or useful for some people and it also sometimes looks like a form of denial.
 

[Hopalong]

I'm really into the strength of "reality is my friend."

I'm equally into the strength of "the possibility of good things happening."

The balancing of these can get screwed up, but life IS both.

Hops