mental health

[Hopalong]

Thanks for checking, (((((Amber))))).
I'd say therapy-wise I'm doing better. May eventually make the change but feel safer sticking with present-T as winter rolls in. I'll see how I feel about it in spring.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster since the heart disease diagnosis. Episodes of chest pain still happen (one while I was driving yesterday) and I remain unsure which is angina and which is anxiety. I dunno if the new meds are helping or will kill me. It makes me miserable but this morning I got some focus.

We're all gonna die. For some reason (maybe because the sun's out) I walked through my house with its many paper piles and saw anew how lovely and cozy it is. And I thought how wonderful it would be to declutter successfully, simplify more, downsize more, streamline, just make it a more simple, pure, peaceful physical space for my D to inherit (today's her 42nd birthday). Rather than sad, it made me happy. I think because it gave me a feeling of purpose, which I've been lacking for many years. The woman I'm declutter-time-swapping with returns tomorrow. It's quite slow with her but it IS progress.

Another thing that just helped was that after the chest pain yesterday (I abandoned picking up a grocery order --felt too weak-- and just went home) I wrote a blast-of-anguish kind of message to Poet, and she responded with great understanding. Sometimes she doesn't show empathy so I assume she doesn't have it to give, but that's not really true. So that was a huge help, and we're Zooming later on, which comforts us both.

Comforts me to read about my busy, never-say-die pal Amber on her mountain, too!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad your poet friend is coming through for you Hops, it's nice when the support you've given out over time comes back your way.  I'm sorry the chest pain is still a problem.  It's horrible when it happens, especially if you don't get warning it's coming.  Do you have to go for regular checks now or do they wait for you to go back if you feel you need to?  I hope they're able to offer a bit more 'something' to help manage it, whatever that might be.

I read a really good book a while ago and of course I can't remember the name or who it was by, but it was a swedish lady and apparently in Sweden they have a word for that decluttering process (and I've forgotten that as well lol).  But it was a nice read, she talked about how much satisfaction she got from gifting precious items to people, making up photo albums and story books about the family and events from the past, giving things to charity shops and homeless shelters, just generally stripping everything back so that her days were filled with doing rather than stuff and knowing that people were enjoying things.  I liked the sound of it all, I've a huge box of photos and notes I want to write up into books for son but I rarely get the time to get on with it.  I hope the decluttering continues to go well, anyway, and that the chest pain settles a bit xx

PS When my time comes I am definitely coming back as a ghost but I'm going to be a helpful one and tidy up for people after they've gone to bed and track down their lost keys, that sort of thing   Lol x

[Hopalong]

Swedish Death Cleaning is the book, Tupp. A good one, though I recall M was horrified when he learned the author was SO efficient she'd euthanized her inconvenient old dog. But I got the point of it. Without family (other than D, who'll just find the house as is, with things she loved kept for her) -- I don't have the sentimental parts to worry about. I'm just focused (ironic word choice there) on focusing. Getting the basics of paper organizing/filing done and gone. I'm not all digital nor want to be, but have made some headway. Crawling pace.

And I figure if I die in the middle of it, so be it! I enjoyed the Marie Kondo specials on Netflix and might watch them again for inspiration.

Your description of caving into distractions was a perfect mirror of my daily life. What I admire is that you fight to progress, a whole lot harder than I do.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Oh was that the name of it, I thought it was just one word lol, I must be thinking of another book as well   Yeah I got the thing about the dog, they were moving a long way or something, weren't they?  I wouldn't subject our kitty to a very lengthy move or quarantine stay, the nine hours it took to get here were enough   I hope it didn't sound like I meant it's what you ought to be doing, sorry, I just realised it might have sounded insensitive, it was just you saying about how lovely the house was and then mentioning your D having it made me think of how nice that book had been because it focused on all the giving away of things.  I was thinking of the decluttering bit, not the end bit!  Have you got lots of paperwork that you need to keep or is it all going in the shredder? xx

[Hopalong]

I wasn't feeling criticized one bit, Tupp! Just remembered that book from a torrent of frugality and simplicity reading I was doing some time back.

My big obstacle isn't the concept of it all, which I love (not quite to minimalism but definitely toward voluntary simplicity) -- the obstacle is unfocused brain plus laziness plus, I dunno.

The goal is shining, lovely, ultimately wonderful. I have to work, as usual, on caring enough to fight for it. Being motivated enough. I think I'm one thin layer closer to uncovering some motivation. Maybe the heart diagnosis/scare has helped that. Hmmm. Silver lining? (And yes, I have regular followup appointments, plus the GP recently increased one Rx -- related to nitroglycerin, but longer-acting. My chest is acting up some but I think it's about adapting to the new biochem climate in my body with the introduction of these Rx. Or just the anxiety surge of recent months, which may be ebbing. We'll see. I see the cardiologist next month.)

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad there's continued input from the docs, Hopsie, and that my earlier post hadn't sounded a bit dodgy!  I had a moment when I re-read it when it seemed it might not sound the way I meant it to   Truthfully my motivation is really more than son needs things from me and that I want to be around (and functioning!) for as long as possible for his sake.  I think I'd have succumbed to some sort of deep dark pit long ago without him to keep me in check xx

[Hopalong]

I know what you mean about how taking care of someone else keeps one out of the pit, Tupp. It's a strange thing, because if that gets soooo out of balance (as it did with me and my Nmom and D, and you at times with your terrors for Son) you think you might die from the stress....then you're in the dark pit anyway. But I know it does give me purpose.

Pooch every day; crows yesterday. The day before that I made an enormous pot of veggie soup again (minus the previous oops with the hot sauce, to each to add their own!). Was so excited to have it to share with neighbors. Pooch and I went up and down the block leaving jars of it on four porches with little notes, late at night. Next day I realized I'd kept only enough for myself to have two bowls, and the initial plan was about my health, to ensure I was eating more nutrition ongoingly by always having something healthy in the freezer that could last me a week or more. Soup is that thing for me, if it's really jammed with veggies (as this one is).

So today I need to make another batch. This time to freeze. It's a lot of prep and chopping and cleanup. The out-of-balance thing was not realizing I'd stinted myself with the whole plan. But it was nice to get happy notes and emails back, when they returned the jars.

I think the changing light is lovely, but have a wary eye on winter. I know you do too, especially with energy worries. But you sound so enterprising and prepared. I'm not too worried about staying warm in a brief power outage, but the world is spinning faster than usual and there's so much trouble in so many places. I'm trying to build in some emotional resilience that drained away during the initial heart scare stuff.

T work is going better. I'm pushing myself to reach out more, schedule more visits, make more calls. Anxiety is like that. Isolation can make it roar.

Thanks for listening to this ramble!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

The soup sounds like a brilliant idea, Hops, and it's nice to share it around.  Be great if you start finding little healthy food parcels on your doorstep every now and again - that's assuming that the crows don't get to it first!  I know what you mean about people and their needs; there's such a fine line between your own needs and those of the people you love.  It's very hard to tread that carefully and not be swamped by other people at times.  I'm glad the crows returned.  Reaching out and scheduling social contact is a good idea, especially to get in place before the real winter sets in.

[sKePTiKal]

Since we're all human, chances are we won't often get that balance correct between taking care of others & putting ourselves first. But, to keep trying does build up the experiential awareness and help us decide what's right for us in that moment/relationship.

Totally agree on the world spinning off it's axle. No matter what your perspective is on world events - everyone is dealing with at least increased low level anxiety these days. And even though I only have to look around the farm to see that in my little corner of the world - things are still just fine; and nature's at the controls of the order around here - some days it gets to me too. Hol & I frequently throw ideas at the wall for solutions - but we also know full well no one (who could implement any solution) ever asks US and wouldn't listen to us, if we did get on a soapbox.