Well, December won this time. I have not been doing well this month. Most years, quiet avoidance helps me numb out/distract myself so I don't spiral into daughter-grief, etc. And that's not the main issue, actually. I don't yearn for her any more. It's generally feeling way too alone and in my case, that triggers anxiety.
Long story a LOT shorter, I get triggered by well-intentioned questions or efforts to pull me into celebratory, holiday-based activity even when I know (and SAY) that it's not the right approach for me. I am sensitive to pitying looks or behaviors. (People offering to come over who normally don't, for example). Can't stand that but also don't want to be alone.
Anyway, it all peaked in a panic attack that woke me up at 2:30 with chest pain and tachycardia. My insomnia is out of control (ALL night long a couple times/week) and yet, more meds aren't the answer. Instead I read (Cleveland Clinic, this time) an excellent summary of the symptom differences between panic attack and heart attack. This was a panic attack. While I SLEPT. But the article helped me calm down.
From experience, I know that any time you admit chest pain, responding health folks tell you to go to the hospital. Been there, done that.
But I found something new to me: inositol for panic attacks. So I've ordered a big can of the powder and am starting that tonight. I COULD go back on SSRIs but want to try this first.
Wish me luck! A non-harmful supplement that does what a small amount of research suggests it could do, would be a miracle for me.
hugs
Hops