Author Topic: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism  (Read 4089 times)

Meh

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #30 on: April 06, 2024, 02:01:59 AM »

I'm not going to worry about it. If I get a stupid dress-up job then I will just wear the same outfit every single day like a muppet with permanently sewed-on clothing. Like I am really not looking forward to the fakery. I think I once believed the fakery would get me somewhere when the truth was it probably didn't do anything other than help ensure I got good performance reviews or something stupid. Why does it bother me so much. I don't like the performance I guess.. 40 hours plus commuting of something which ultimately is dead-end. idk.

But yeah, I will just wear the same thing every day because I'm lazy and I'm not buying a work wardrobe. All my clothes are probably over five years old because I haven't been shopping in that long. My life really has no purpose at all. Maybe I really should pretend to be a muppet. It's as good as all the other weird stuff people pretend. I'm just so miserably cynical. I'm pretty sure I have a permanent frown on my face AND yellow teeth. So bascially, I'm an old, ugly depressive who needs to get my 16th entry-level job. I'm supposed to like reframe this narrative to make my life sound nicer than it really is. Muppet is fine. Loser-Lilly... Tired Tina...  Fake Fiona ...

Hopalong

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #31 on: April 07, 2024, 12:57:12 AM »
During a frugality sprint I started doing this about teeth:

1) Brush my teeth.
2) Before spitting out the last mouthful of foam, I sip or spray in a glug of plain peroxide, let it sit a while until I feel it working (I"ll bend over a laptop or book to get the front teeth well into it), spit again, rinse with water. Done.

My dentist always compliments me on my teeth. They're not Chiclets but not tea bags either.

Could you suck up your dislike of the gropey asshat doc and just call his receptionist and ask the question about his network? If that's all you need, shame to stress over an unncessary extra appt. Unless I missed something. Good luck.

My useful contribution for the night. Hope your dreams go somewhere good.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #32 on: April 07, 2024, 11:02:29 AM »
Hi, Meh:

In this household we adore runs to Goodwill to fill out our wardrobes.  Lots of interesting things, some brand new.  I found my bestest blue jeans for $4.99 and intend to use them as a pattern.....not exactly sure how, but will figure it out eventually!

Lighter

Meh

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #33 on: April 08, 2024, 11:02:02 PM »

Ate Top Ramen for breakfast, drove to a cafe for something to do and got a cookie, then didn't want to go home some drove a bit more, got the junk food out of my trunk which is meant to be some emergency things not sure why I had that idea to keep it but ate a nitrates and meat parts stick, some too salty pretzels, and cashews. Now, I am just home again and having a cup of tea I guess. Sat and watched some seagulls and a storm and listened to the raindrops for a LONG while, texted a weird friend about nothing in particular. Now, I guess I shall desalinate my system with lots of watery tea for a while.

Was reading some comments on a YouTube video with the topic of Narcissism and real purpose probably to funnel people to this person's business aka websites with carts. One or two of the comments was about the channel calling people lazy I guess. One person in the comments pointed out that APATHY is not the same as being lazy.

I have no point at all in writing this. In fact I think I am getting a screen headache.

Should I categorize everything into "apathy" energy or active energy... or is calling something apathy energy a bad thing to do in itself... Meh

So, today my mother called me... she called me to tell me SHE and her husband feel SAD. They feel sad because someone in her husband's extended family appears to possibly have cancer. I've seen the person maybe two or three times in my entire life at family FAMILY? events. Narcissism events? idk.

I'm sure it's sad but it's not my problem. They lived the American Dream or whatever for as long as it lasted and now they have some sickness I guess.

After decades of being invisible I'm meant to give a crap about someone I don't even know. The story of their problem is going to go on and on and my mother will talk about it for months.

I don't need to know about it really is the thing. I'm sure they have some play-date type friends, and BBQ friends, and  cul-de-sac friends.

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh 

Her parents seemed wealthy. That's all I know. It seemed like smooth sailing for her and whatever everybody dies.

Maybe she has cancer but then don't most Americans get cancer eventually. So why do I care. I don't.

See, I'm evil. Not empathetic enough for faux-distant-relatives not even related by blood or shared experiences.

I think it's just the thrill of the drama for my mother. For me it's just complaining about my mother and needing that real distance... I'm going cross-eyed. The feeling of too much to do makes me fecking tired, or is it what I was saying before, myriad plentiful apathy. An over-abundance of apathy. Luckily I don't have to talk to the couple who are having their crisis. And nobody expects me to go to that funeral if there is one anyhow. It would likely be paid for by her rich parents and I don't know them. So... I guess I can get on with my stupid life and ignore all the subsequent times my mother brings up this subject.

Not my family. I know that much. Fake people, in a fake world, like fake headlines in the media of a fake movie.


lighter

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #34 on: April 09, 2024, 03:32:35 PM »
Sounds like you're clarifying some tough feelings, Meh.  I find writing out feelings very helpful.  Your post reminds me to begin a new this and that thread to put things I need to get out of my system, but not on particular other threads.

FWIW, you include how you think others see you and that's helpful to become aware of, IME.  I struggle not too judge myself. Thank God I found a place where I no longer care what others think of me.....mostly.

Such a relief to shed it like an old skin, IME.  Same with comparing myself to anyone else.  It was wasted time and spinning my wheels in a ditch I wanted to claw myself out of.

Meh

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #35 on: April 14, 2024, 03:03:38 AM »

Yeah, I felt like journaling this morning and this afternoon but then I ate and had a beer and 100% forgot whatever it was.

Meh

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #36 on: April 15, 2024, 02:18:18 AM »

I went for a walk and saw 3 orca whales BUT besides that I pretty much got nothing imperative/important done. Sure getting out is essential, vital, necessary as I feel my being cooped up indoors is BAAAAADDDD. Still I have so much to do and my worry is also really messing with me.

Meh

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #37 on: April 15, 2024, 09:08:04 PM »

Signed up for the "free" state health insurance. They set me up with a doctor who isn't taking anymore patients of course. I was on the phone off and on for 5.5-6 hours today trying to sort out this stupid situation. It took the whole day and I still a) don't have a primary care doc and b) dont have the prescription.

The prescription is NOT Viagra and it is NOT a pain med. It's a lame chronic condition medication. And since they want to make it extra hard it requires an EXTRA authorization step. I already have a written paper prescription from a doctors office but it's not the STATE HEALTH insurance preferred provider blah blah blah...

I'm not going to lie.. at 4:45 I started screaming at the person on the phone.

Meh

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Meh

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #39 on: April 23, 2024, 12:12:59 AM »

More screaming at health insurance people today. Maybe not full screaming but definitely 100% irate and it worries me that this insurance company has all my private info like SS number etc.

I know THIS website has nothing to do with this. It's just it's pretty much what I spent my energy trying to resolve today.

Talked to SEVEN people. Was put on hold numerous times. Had to speak to a manager at two different organizations. They still can't comprehend how it's not my job to FIX their computer problems but what is really really weird is someone told me I had insurance in March since years ago which was also terminated in March. That is news to me. I haven't used any medical services whatsoever. I wonder how much that cost and how I even became insured without me knowing as I never got confirmaion of such a thing from before. More medical fraud?

On a regular basis I feel like I am losing my mind. I did try to set up insurance a long time ago but it WAS NEVER CONFIRMED and I hadn't even submitted everything they require so how did that even happen. IDK. For that entire time though I did not use any healthcare and I didn't have a membership number or card given to me. This is not interesting. I am just venting like always.

 I'm very polite for 20 minutes, slightly losing patience at 30 minutes, starting to feel hateful around 40 minutes and at 45 minutes into a phone call after already speaking to numerous people I just I can't keep my cool anymore. Now that it's six business days later and nobody I've talked to even sound like they've done any research into the problem.

Anyhow. I guess this is communism.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #40 on: April 23, 2024, 09:25:38 AM »
Honestly, this kind of experience is rampant with insurance. Medicare is even worse. The system is so complex not even the representatives know what's what. No wonder medical costs are sky high! It takes 14 people just to manage policies, network providers & claims.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #41 on: April 24, 2024, 11:29:00 AM »
The levels of stress these runarounds and on-holds and bounce from one gatekeeper to another cause can create more illnesses. Or I believe this.

I can't fathom it. I freak out over tech regularly and that's just tech. The phone runaround on top of insurance corruption is enough to break the brain.

Hope it gets untangled soon.

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Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Meh

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #42 on: April 25, 2024, 02:32:31 AM »
--Skeptikal, this company is linked with Medicare: "Beyond our Ambetter Health products, Centene proudly provides healthcare services to Medicaid members in 30 states and Medicare members nationwide through our WellcareExternal Link brand." from Centene.com

I am pretty sure the system is "broken" on purpose.

I was just unaware OR I assumed it was bad but I always stayed away from it so was ignorant. I've just never SEEN first-hand an insurance company try to force doctors to downgrade medications.

--Yeah, Hops, sigh.
It just took up way too much of my time. I said to one of the supervisors "should a client have to contact you over ten times about the same issue" and their response was YES sometimes that's what it takes to get an issue resolved. WHATEVERS it wasted enough time already.

I did get the prescription. I was able to get them to expedite it. Of course it has zero refills they want to put people through this over and over again.

Here is a letter the insurance sent:

"Coordinated Care of Washington, Inc., is sending this update to your grievance received for your concern about a prescription.

We are glad you were able to meet with a TelaDoc provider today! We see that the provider wrote a prescription for you. Unfortunately, that medication is not on the Apple Health Preferred Drug List which is why it had denied at the pharmacy. Because you experienced delays getting this prescription we are providing a one-time exception of this non-preferred medication for six months.  After six months, your provider will need to submit a Prior Authorization for continued use. The Prior Authorization will need to include any medications you may have tried and failed in the past. Your provider may also change your medication to one on the Apple Health Preferred Drug List which is attached to this email.

Your prescription is ready for pick up. Please know there are no refills on the prescription you received today and will need a new prescription for any refill."

ANY HOW it's stupid. I'm over it for now. Too busy to muck around with them. I'm not going to FIX it obviously.

It's just an interesting experience. But also I'm glad I'm not currently sick and dealing with that. I am healthy and dealing with it.

Of course my anxiety probably makes matters worse but I have a feeling this would have gone on for weeks and weeks if I had not been a pest.



Meh

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #43 on: April 25, 2024, 02:46:43 AM »

I'm awake, I think I just took a Benadryl. Didn't sleep well last two nights in a row and I was acting weird earlier today. I was driving and missed a turn more than once, was okay but still I guess it's a reminder to self how mental I can get if I am stressed and not sleeping well. I mess stuff up.

I drank coffee late in the afternoon I probably shouldn't have. So, now, it'a anxious staring at the ceiling laying flat on my back kinda thing and feeling stupid for drinking that coffee.

Went on a job interview today of sorts. It was only a preliminary to find out about openings. I really need to get back to work but they wanted to immediately send to interview far away at a small legal office tha probably has no health insurance of course. Also I have to move this weekend.

I'm kind of screwed probably all-around. Well, it's all been a slow-motion wreck for years. I can't deal with my life very well. Really should have been applying for jobs a long while back but I was busy being a depressedazoid.

Benedryl kick in. Tomorrow I think I will just pack half of my stuff up and take it to pay-for storage place so I can clean up better and clear out the apartment. Then I can do the rest on Saturday maybe. Thursday and Friday I think I need to regroup because I'm losing it mentally hahaha.

Hopalong

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Re: Old Topic just same Fing narcissism
« Reply #44 on: April 25, 2024, 02:36:18 PM »
It's hard, but sounds to me as though you ARE dealing with your life right now.

Maybe a peaceful small law office would be not so bad. Moving ALWAYS sucks.

I think you are stronger than you know and there is still hope for various things to get resolved or better, just not all at once. Keep the window open for relief to come in. It's not crazy to have hope.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."