Developing A Personality

[Twoapenny]

Well, I have decided that my current problem is that I don't have a personality of my own.  Which feels weird to say, but I think it's true.  I mentioned on one of the other threads how nice it was when we were away, to have chats with people about travel and sight seeing and where they'd taken good pictures.  Since then, I have found it very hard to maintain contact with almost everyone I know, because everyone I know is in a constant state of crux and problems, mostly doing very little about it, either.  I have kept wondering why I don't really have people in my life who are living life, and enjoying it, and I think a lack of real personality on my part is the reason.  It's understandable, because I spent the first thirty years of my life dealing with 'we all know what', and the next twenty years dealing with the fallout, alongside supporting my son.  I've always connected with people through circumstances, and as my circumstances for the last thirty years have been health and problem related, that's what I've got all around me.  And I don't want it anymore.

When I started thinking about the kind of people I'd like to be around, I realised they wouldn't be drawn to being around me, because I have very little about me that isn't abuse/disability/dealing with problems related.  So I need to find a personality!  And hopefully it will lead me to situations where I will meet people who have some common interests and we can interact on that basis.  I've started with a book on ghosts and legends in the local area, and am now listening to a lecture about dragons by Ronald Hutton (which I don't understand!).  Any tips on personality development welcome!  Lol x

[sKePTiKal]

LOL. I can relate!

Maybe list a few things you admire in other people? Then, think about how they acquired those traits. I'll bet it's 50-50% between "just born that way" and the result of problemsolving in their own lives. If you're lucky, you might get a chance to ask someone how they became x, y or z and hopefully, they're open to discussing it.

[Twoapenny]

Skep, that is a good idea! I was thinking about my own skills and interests and funnily, some things I am really good at (like problem solving, organising, dealing with a crisis and so on) have come from having so many problems, so I'm glad I've got that.  But yes, there are lots of things I'd love to do more of and share with others but ............ what I already noticed today is that without my 'mind numbing' stuff, I do start to struggle with feelings of loss and loneliness.  And a lack of fulfilment, I suppose.  So I think I'm going to have to tip toe my way through it, try and just let the feelings be there and do things anyway and try not to get down in the dumps.  It would have been good to go for a long walk today but there was stuff to do at home that will cause problems if it's not done this weekend, so I've been in all day, which doesn't help.  Could get out for a little walk a bit later on though, which will be better than nothing.  I'm very envious of the cat, he's been stretched out on the bed all day, just does nothing other than look cute and eat.  That is a life I'd like!

[sKePTiKal]

B and I take advantage of every chance we get to imitate cats! And after a real busy week, we announce a dedicated "do nothing day". And it doesn't have to be running around or working - the mental exhaustion requires the same kind of downtime, if not MORE downtime.

I think a lot of people fell into the hamster-wheel mentality in their younger working years. As in one's worth is measured by how productive one is. I know I did. So the time we have gets taken up by doing things... and we don't even acknowledge that "being" is JUST AS important. (Probably don't have the time to let those kinds of emotional thoughts percolate out...) But that whole world opened up for me, while in my hermiting/healing phase. And it reminded me of when I was little and spent most of my time in an imaginary world of fairies, magic, make-believe... and how much fun that was. Same with creative work, too.

With painting or other image making, I never even realized how much time I was devoting to it - when I was solidly in that "zone". Oh I'd take breaks and go do other things... but didn't completely leave off my connection to whatever I was working on. (I think this why artists frequently have support people around them, reminding them to eat, sleep, whatever.)

You'll figure out your own way to balance the "do-be" spectrum, Tupp. "do-be-do-be-doooo"!

[lighter]

I've had to pause and sit with the phrase you use, Tupp.

I believe you had to hide yourself ...keep your light under a basket in order to survive or find safety.

You're empathetic traits were valued and friends/family seek you out, use you as sounding board and soft shoulder.  You simmer and wonder at their lack of action and ability to pivot.

From here.... that's more to the point than your "lack of personality."

What happens if you speak your mind, instead of biting your tongue?

What happens if you acknowledge a speaker's thought and move past the typical discussions?  Take it in directions you want to go?

Some won't pivot.  Some won't want to try, but some might.  I imagine there's some fear of being discarded IF you stop performing the patient empathy role.  I get that, but it doesn't have the be good or bad, imo.  It can just be space for uplifting things and people already walking paths you aspire to, imo.

And I believe speaking your truth is who you are.  That you aren't speaking your truth to those who need your ear......is information.  Not good or bad and more about them than you, IME.

You allow self absorbed people to remain self absorbed in relative comfort.  At your own expense.

Your thoughts are interesting.  You have a POV.  You aren't the trauma, struggle and injustice you've lived, but it's shaped you into a person who appears done with pretending.  Done pretending tedious conversations and people are enough.  Are worthy of your time and attention.  Not saying to dump everyone.  I'm suggesting you step into your truth, step out of expectations to create new habits and ways of being in the world.

People who care about you will understand and support you in this.  People who need your silence and shoulder will want you to remain the same, IME.

You can gird your loins and expect awkward, difficult drama.....at least a bit, but know breaking things apart might be part of building your life.

Asserting yourself....refusing to be silenced into settling might get you labeled things you certainly are not.....but not by your friends.  Not by people who want your happiness.....even if it costs them some comfort and satisfaction. 

You've enabled your friends to show up, be themselves, speak their truth without reciprocating.

Asking for what you need.....
Speaking your truth.....
Stating boundaries....
Holding boundaries....
Figuring out consequences you can live with, then following up without hesitation will be who you are and who you were born to be, Tupp.

You aren't living under threat anymore.  You can speak without threat to your survival.  It might take a while to internalize and believe, but the more you practice, the easier it will be.

I'm curious where the ghosts and dragons interest will take you.  What happens for Tupp if she channels more energy into herself, as priority, and less to others.

My moss friend wondered that out loud, about me, last year.  Hmmm.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Dunno what happened, but I wrote a lively defense of your personality, which I'm a big fan of, and suggested you might start inviting yourself while in one of those endless, pivot-free discussions, to change the subject without anger or distress.

That could take quite a few tries before it feels normal. But with practice, it will, imo.

I will defend your wry, ironic and intelligent and highly perceptive nature, period.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I used to get 'in the zone' with reading, look up and realise it was dark outside and I'd been sat for hours.  Those are the sort of things that don't happen anymore; I could read for hours now but I think my brain got so used to never getting more than ten minutes that it works differently now.  Trying to turn it back the other way.  The cat's life is definitely one to aspire to, all that lounging!  And ours just plonks himself wherever he likes and we have to go round him, there's no shifting him.  Lol.

Thanks, Lighter and Hops   I think my current problem is I don't have a subject to change to, because I tend not to do anything other than problem solve, boring but necessary things and then numbing out stuff (ie TV, social media and books that aren't really worth talking about, just something that doesn't require thought or effort and just numbs the feelings away).  So that's what I want to change, more things in life that make for interesting conversation.  I'm not interested in politics, world news, that poor lady that got murdered, all those sorts of things that seem to be what others want to talk about a lot.  I'd really like, for example, to know someone who, when I tell them I went to see a film (and son and I go often as he is a real film fanatic) wants to know which film, and who was in it, and 'oh did you see that one they did about the giant daisy' or whatever, but someone else who has that interest, or at least has enough interest in a conversation that they'll ask questions about what the other person did for the sake of making conversation.  Even better would be someone who has some other suggestions of films by the same director, or knows of an exhibition that ties in with it, or just got this great book about so and so's work, that sort of thing.  That's what I'd love, conversations that go somewhere, rather than what usually happens which is a grumble about the cost/parking/you can watch it cheaper at home/no reaction other than 'oh' or bizarrely, a leap from that into complaining about immigrants/Tories/global warming/conspiracy theories or any one of the many things that seem to form a lot of people's conversation now.  I don't care lol.

I think the pivoting thing is the reason I've pretty much stopped talking to everyone now.  I do find that anything that isn't their preferred topic just doesn't get a response and I want to feel enlivened by a conversation or get together, rather than exhausted.  I want more things I can talk about from my own life so that when I meet new people I don't feel like I've got nothing to offer.  The friend who went on for a very long time about their trip, I posted about that a while ago, I've not spoken to since, because I realised it's always me who contacts her and then she talks at me.  So I haven't contacted her since and guess what?  She hasn't got in touch.  Another friend who always replies to my 'how are you texts' with a very long list of everything that's gone wrong that week and how many problems she has and no-one ever does anything, but almost all of these things could be tackled more proactively.  Usually I respond with an equally long message of sympathy and support, suggestions of things to try and offers of help, but this time I just said I was sorry she'd had a tough week, hoped things improved soon and did she have anything planned for Guy Fawkes night.  No reply lol.

I think what I'm finding tough is that the feelings that come up without the numbing out are very difficult to feel.  I quite literally do not have anyone in real life who keeps in touch with me just to see how we're doing, or who is genuinely interested in anything we do or anywhere we go.  Our lovely trip away at the beginning of last month is consigned to the scrap book because I've not had a real life conversation with anyone who was at all interested in it or wanted to know anything about it.  And me bringing it up elicited comments about how much they needed a holiday/how much it costs to go away/how they'd never holiday in the UK etc, and I want to talk to people who say 'oh how amazing!  Where did you go, what did you do, what did you see?'.  I've got people I can share that with online, but I'd love it face to face, someone sat here, having a cuppa, looking through the photos and genuinely being interested in what we experienced.  Anyway - all in all, I think it's about self improvement.  Getting in to a better head space by engaging in more interesting things at home, and that leading to getting to events and groups where people are doing 'that stuff', and then hopefully meeting folk who at  later date would be interested in knowing what we did - even wanting to come with us next time!  Imagine that.  Tupp the social butterflly instead of Tupp the fixer and emotional dumpster.  Wouldn't that be great lol

Just editing to say, one of the things I find so difficult about other people is I've had a lot of people bin me off over the years, presumably because all I had to talk about was how many problems we were having and I didn't have anything interesting to offer.  And it hurt, very deeply, and left me very lonely.  I've known a lot of people over the years I have found interesting and wanted to be around, but they didn't want to be around me, in just the same way there are people now I've known for a long time who I don't want to be around any more.  I know how painful it is so part of me doesn't want to do it to anyone else.  But practically I haven't got the time or the headspace to accommodate someone else and get more into things that interest me.  It's necessary but it doesn't feel good x

[lighter]

((Tupp)) sitting with that discomfort as you firm new habits, interests and connections will get more, and less, uncomfortable as you go.

Remember things will feel worse before feeling better, ime.  Returning to old habits and people might slide into your coping strategies.....and that's ok too. 

Remember what you're working towards.  Maybe make a list of 3 healthier coping strategies to grab when things feel hard.

Your job is self care first and foremost.  Not enabling people to use you as their emotional waste basket, nope, nope, nope.

You.
First.

It's time.
:: solemn nod::.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

((Tupp)) sitting with that discomfort as you firm new habits, interests and connections will get more, and less, uncomfortable as you go.

Remember things will feel worse before feeling better, ime.  Returning to old habits and people might slide into your coping strategies.....and that's ok too. 

Remember what you're working towards.  Maybe make a list of 3 healthier coping strategies to grab when things feel hard.

Your job is self care first and foremost.  Not enabling people to use you as their emotional waste basket, nope, nope, nope.

You.
First.

It's time.
:: solemn nod::.

Lighter

Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes, Lighter.  It is getting through that difficult, uncomfortable stuff that helps so much more.  Ive been trying really hard to focus on good routines - plenty of water, healthy food, yoga, walks outside, son's stuff obviously, but more focusing on basic good health habits and better routines.  I did wake up this morning feeling better than I have for a long time.  I'm hoping that's something that might be here to stay, if I keep up the healthier routines.  Son's got a group this afternoon, and for the first time in I don't know how long, I don't have a long list of errands to rush around doing while he's there.  So I'm going to go for a long walk and just enjoy walking, and being able to do it.

I've resisted the urge to reach out to those I usually check in on.  I've not liked the complete phone silence this week, truthfully.  I've had one friend return a call I made last week (a friend who doesn't need constant hand holding), and that was nice.  If I could have more conversations like that each week, it would be good.  Interestingly, those people I usually contact regularly to check in on have not contacted me, despite it being unusual that I've not been in touch.  I do think I need to really get my head out of 'I'm the only person that does this for them' mode, and accept that when people do that kind of compassion vacuuming, it doesn't really matter to them who does it.  If I withdraw, they'll find someone else to do it.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.

But overall - back feels pretty good, house is clean and organised (fairly well), garden looks okay, washing is on the line, money updated, emails on top of, most of Christmas prep done and ready to be sent nearer the end of this month.  All quite boring and mundane but - no drama, very little stress and no sense of great despondency, despite the shorter days now. So all good.

[sKePTiKal]

"Compassion vacumning" - Good one!!

[lighter]

I'm happy to read your update, Tupp.  Leaves room for arranging pleasant things in your life, IME.  I find such joy in arranging little cases of fresh ivy in the house. 

Keep breathing.....I find those who want to vomit they're stuff have a list of people they go through.

It's ok to put them down.  Maybe come up with a mantra when you notice the silence they used to fill?

What would that mantra sound like?

I've always asked for help to help myself, to see the truth more clearly and do good work in the world when negative things try to crowd in.

Remember to sing, dance and hum,
 ((Tupp.))

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Lighter   And Skep .  Funnily enough the unpleasant silence has quickly become pleasant.  It's amazing how much more I'm getting done (and how much better I'm feeling) when my head space is only full of my own stuff, rather than everyone else's.  I did check in with one friend yesterday.  I struggle with her the most; I really like her, she is genuinely lovely and her circumstances are genuinely hard.  But she has family who are more of a hindrance than a help, quite honestly (my disabled son is more practical help around the house than her not disabled husband, for example).  They also have more than enough money to pay for practical help if needed, but she won't spend any of it and she won't ask for help, either.  No-one offers; I think it suits them all to have her deal with everyone's boring but necessary stuff while they relax after work and enjoy their free time.  So although her problems are genuine, there are many things she could do to address them, and she won't do them.  So I have detached.  I think one of the things that bugs me is the time, money and effort I've put in over the years, with therapy, self help, a whole range of doctors, complementary therapists, multiple approaches with my son, and doing so much on my own rather than continuing unhealthy relationships.  It hasn't been easy, I've made many suggestions to her (all ignored), and her situation is only going to get worse if she doesn't make some changes.  So I've detached a bit; still checking in from time to time but no suggestions or deep commiserations.  I feel like i'm in a good place now and I don't want to get involved in other people's difficult times if they're not doing what they can to change things.  Even just a tiny thing would be a start.

[lighter]

 Another good update from you, Tupp.  Yes.

I think the brain tickle one receives from tuning into troubled /unstable people feels like our childhood homes.  Familiar. Likely to bring more safety, but doesn't in present day. That's just a fact and can be changed.....I hope.  No....it can be changed.

I also think you can be ok......even if your overwhelmed friend isn't ok, refuses to consider meaningful change and continues struggling while her family adds burdens to her plate without care. 

Detachment from her outcome means your brain isn't burning and churning in a wasteful exercise changing nothing. 

Detachment is a gift you give yourself....to turn towards meaningful things....making actual differences, IME.  THAT is the change one hopes for, IME.

Do what you can, then put the story on the shelf.  Turn towards the joy in front of you. See the choices....every day.  Choose yourself.

Your friend perceives the increased difficulty changes would create for her, short term... she's not wrong.  I do believe things would get better more quickly than her burdened heart can hope.  That's how it will be till she's sick of being sick of being sick, IME.

And .... it's possible an epiphany will hit.... she's doing her son a disservice by enabling his dependency on her.....his abuse of her time.  There's shame where he could build pride in self reliance and care for his family and home.....in adulting and carrying his own weight.

That realization has to hit....really hit, for her.  It won't be comfortable.  It's likely extreme discomfort will be catalyst for her possible different choices, ime.

You can't want that more than she does.  Your gift to her will be calming her (brain/Nervous System) enough to help her identify more choice for herself.  She can't see it now, Tupp.

I guess you ask her what she's going to do, then listen ...instead of giving advice during her next crisis.  Let her do the problem solving math in her own head.

  I hope she feels the weight of her choices, when you tell her to "let you know how it works out."

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Yes, Lighter, tuning in to our troubled childhoods!  There is a lot to be said for bonding with, and being able to talk to people who get it, and that does usually mean lived experience.  But there's a line, isn't there, like everything in life, it gets to a point where it's holding you back instead of helping you out.

What I am realising is I am seeing aspects of myself in this particular friend, and I think that's why I'm struggling with it.  She has options that I don't have, because she has money and people around her.  I'm focusing on what I think she should be doing with the assets she has, when I should be focusing on acquiring those assets myself, so I can do what is right for me, rather than wishing she'd do right for herself.  Silly Tupp.  I think she feels she's the only one who can deal with her family's problems (I'm talking about the adults in her family, not children).  I've spent my life around people who tell me I'm the only one who listens, the only one who cares, the only one who remembers.  The parallels are there.

And attachment!  The phone not ringing scenarios bother me because I want to feel like someone wants me.  People only wanting me for what I can do for them makes me feel worthless.  But so does no-one phoning at all.  Time to refocus on developing myself, creating healthy relationships that are not based on circumstances and reminding myself that it's better to be alone that to be with someone who makes me feel lonely.

Just editing because I went from here to YouTube to look for a meditation to do.  Something popped up about choosing yourself because if you don't, no-one else will choose you, and that's the crux of it, I think?  Having to be someone else's prop in childhood, having to stay small, not take up space, not draw attention, quietly and silently fix and manage and predict behaviour.  And it means you don't grow, in any way other than your ability to take shit, and draw it to you.  Stepping out, being yourself, owning your mistakes and experiences - it doesn't just feel scary, it feels lethal.  Hmm.  I wish you could eat your way through these emotional blockages, it would be so much easier.

[Twoapenny]

Well I don't know what happened but something burst.  Had a very big cry, not sure why exactly but it obviously needed to be done.  Very tired afterwards so went back to bed for a bit, woke up feeling like something's shifted out of my way although I'm not sure what!  My new daily routine has gone out of the window a bit but no matter, will pick up as best I can and I'm hoping for a sound sleep tonight.