Developing A Personality

[Twoapenny]

Yep, parents don't remember a lot of the things that kids take to heart or internalize or resent. Or we remember events differently. Hol & I have definitely been through this in discussion. And due to my being divorced from her Dad, she remembers things I never even knew about. This is bigger than just different points of view, we find.

In some cases, for me specifically - there has been so much water under the bridge since then - I literally do not have the brain capacity to hold everything I've ever experienced in there without prioritizing some thing things and subordinating others. And sometimes, too, those internal narratives can "color" specific memories. It's WAYYYY complex! Tons of variables.

So we keep trying to simplify where it's possible, and organize things into collective "buckets" - and that helps a lot.

Very much this, different things are important for different reasons at different times as well.  I think as you grow up and have your own experiences/children/problems to deal with you can have those moments where you realised how much your parents did/sacrificed/strived for you - and those moments when you realise they didn't even do the bare minimum.  And we do all remember things differently, I find that even with childhood friends they remember different things about events we were all at (someone's birthday, for example).  It can make you wonder if you imagined something or got it wrong if no-one else remembers it (or admits remembering it).  Just a case of muddling through, I think, and yes, brain capacity is such a big part of it, you have to put certain things down in order to deal with other things sometimes.  And then your focus is elsewhere.

I'm still finding the daily meditation helpful.  Yesterday say the protecting part kind of evaporated away, and momentarily become a happy, smiling child.  Can you imagine how amazing childhood must be if it's carefree and everyone around you loves you and works hard to keep you safe?  Amazing.  Today the part that needs protecting was kind of fading; I'm taking that as a good sign that I'm feeling safer overall.  I would like to feel as safe as the cat; when I woke up this morning he was draped across the bottom of my bed like a scarf, completely stretched out, fast asleep and without a care in the world.  I stroked him and he didn't even open his eyes, just started purring and stretched his chin up as he likes being stroked there.  Imagine feeling that safe around people that you don't need your eyes open and you can trust them completely to do what you like.  Those are life goals lol.

Counselling starts next week.  I'm quite looking forward to it.  I have told my son I'm having some problems with my mental health and that I'm having counselling and he's been very sweet about it.  It's online so I 'need the room' for an hour while it's going on and I didn't want to make up some story to tell him.  I'm quite keen to get on with it now.  I feel like I want to spew out all the stuff that I've never told anybody and just get it all out of me and put somewhere else.  I've always felt so scared that letting it out would let more bad stuff in; almost like an evil curse escaping and everyone being terrorised.  But now I feel like it's the strong, calm thing to do.  Take control of it, hang it out on the line and let the wind take it.  I'd still quite like to hear someone ran the fecker down but this will be good enough.  I do think I'm feeling more secure?  I feel more solid in myself.  Better able to withstand what might come, at any rate.

[lighter]

Whew boy, Tupp.  All that sounds grounded and amazing to me.  To hang it in the wind....release it.....resume your true, trusting self and relax like your kitty. Yes.

I find acknowledged and tended parts do quiet down.  Maybe they become little mommy's helpers, then learn the play and stretch in the sun? 

I find my tendencies.....errrr neeeeds to control, are releasing their grip in day to day life.  I notice them, and we mostly let them go by, with serenity. 

It feels like understanding them stands equal to tending to the parts.

I'll jot more on my thread.

::hoping you connect with your T, Tupp🐈‍⬛::.

[Hopalong]

I'm so glad you pursued counseling, Tupp.
One thing that pops to mind is that even though it's a professional, not a social/personal, relationship...it's excellent practice at relating to and even trusting another human being. Finding out what clicks, but in a safe space where you can also take a look at what doesn't.

How wonderful that you sought out and found someone. I hope s/he proves to be good enough to really help you sustain these epic healthy steps you're taking.

What you were saying about your inner harsh critic...she's just a misunderstood defender. It's lovely to hear that you're gradually getting sick of the all-day tape of self criticism.

hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks both, it feels like big process but I am finding it exhausting.

I did yoga yesterday.  My hips are always very tight/painful.  I was in the posture, something popped (release rather than dislocation!) and my hip dropped two inches nearer to the floor. I felt the weight move round to my lower back (another problem area) and oh boy, the anger!  Huge, crushing waves of it, so strong.  I couldn't think of anything to do other than silent scream, so I screamed and shouted and swore (without actually making any noise), and that probably went on for twenty minutes.  Was so tired I went back to bed and slept for two hours.  Shattered today because, of course, that meant I didn't sleep well last night, but hopefully today it will settle back down again.

Meditation this morning was funny; the protected part isn't having any of it now.  Completely shut down, not speaking, none of you wanted me, no-one wanted to listen, you all just left me so you can all bugger off.  Is completely how I feel!  All the time.  What's the point, people are so fake anyway, if I show my vulnerable side people lose interest once the reality of it means they don't get what they want.

I am finding it harder to ignore what I now perceive as my mother's deliberate cruelty.  I have generally presumed her to have been unaware/incapable/unknowing, but the more I dig backwards the more it feels like she knew exactly what she was doing a lot of the time, mostly because she was so adept at showing a completely different side to other people.  You don't hide it if you don't know it's wrong.  I struggle to get my head around anyone taking pleasure from belittling and humiliating little girls.  I realised yesterday how I've always been so scared of being angry, because we were punished so much if we ever showed it.  Justifiably angry, because someone did something they shouldn't, and it's funny how you know that on some level even when you're really small.  And then being wrong for being angry, it not being permitted.  You take it and you keep your mouth shut or I'll hurt you even more.  That was the message.  Even worse than that, not only were we expected to put up with everything without complaint, we were expected to waft around telling everyone she was wonderful and stand there like little puppets while she laughed and joked and dazzled with other people, when we'd had three days of absolute silence because she was furious that we didn't offer her a cup of tea when she got in from work.  There are times now when I feel I truly despise her and I'm not very comfortable feeling like that.  It doesn't feel like a good thing to carry around.  Hopefully that will drop off as I work through all the other stuff.

[lighter]

Tupp, maybe you can let that angry part know it's perfectly reasonable to feel hatred in the situations she suffered.  Perfectly reasonable to understand and process intentional cruelty towards little children as wrong and evil, even.  It was and always will be, esp from the person responsible for caretaking and protecting you/little children to do so deliberately.

Just let that angry part have her anger and hate what was done TO her, sans judgement.  Having it might be the key to releasing the feelings.  Hateful feelings towards your mum aren't right it wrong.  They simply are.....and they'll wash over and through ...into the wind, it's hoped.

In any case, the anger is valid and belongs.  It's not the problem..... processing it out of your limbic system is solution, IME.

Angry Tupp has something to tell you.  Where do you feel her in your body?
Focus on that...breathe into it and listen.

The anger and pain showed up, likely, bc you're ready to do this work now.  This will be relief and freedom......not more to carry, IME.

Ask fear and guilt to take a seat in the waiting room, so angry Tupp can tell you her truth.  It's ok.  You're safe.  You've been doing this for a while.

When angry Tupp speaks, try to remain observer......notice if you're blended or observing.  Keep breathing and coming back to center so you can tend to angry Tupp..... you're a grown woman who can protect her.  She'll come to trust that, IME.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, I think you're right, it's good to accept it and let it 'through'; it does fill me with trepidation.  We're not really taught how to manage anger, are we?  It's always a bad thing to be frightened of.  I'm going to work on that.

Energy levels are completely different to normal, though.  We've had  busy day today and got a lot done, usually by late afternoon I'd be absolutely wiped out but I feel alright? Tired but in a manageable way, not the deep exhaustion I usually have.  Be nice not to feel so wretched all the time x

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, IMO, it's OTHER people* who are made uncomfortable by our righteous anger. Mind you, no bad actions occur - actions can be bad; feelings just ARE... until they pass or are let go.

It's the consensus among those other people, not knowing how to respond to anger or what you really need in that moment, that the discomfort = bad. Not that YOU are bad. The counselors and Ts of this world have to be able to handle anger (when it comes up) in a safe & healthy way... to help one process it. Lower the intensity, keep it from totally dominating a person; teach that person ways to manage it while acknowledging it - and the wrong that caused it in the first place. Anger can be a very useful "key" to unlocking a lot of stored emotional wrongs. Sorting it. Leaving it in the past - and freeing yourself in the present. To choose OTHER responses.

Tho it's generally unwanted, refused, and even a little risky - I've been able to walk up to a very angry person and simply hug them silently to help the anger lift some. Sometimes, it's just enough acknowledgement that they've been HEARD and taken seriously. Sometimes, it comforts a hurt under the anger. Sometimes it's just a reminder that the people around the angry aren't the people, that the person is angry AT. 

It's not good, IMO, to kick kitty litter over anger and pretend it doesn't exist. Not healthy BECAUSE precisely, it tends to manifest in the body in various ways; usually painful. Mine was sciatica. It's the pretending that "everything's fine" while your emotions are ON FIRE, that is absolute denial of the angry person's humanity and separate autonomy, and their own individuality. Total lack of respect.

As for varying levels of anger - think of it as shades or the gas flame on the hob - disapproval, irritation, annoyance, frustration are all lower levels of a shade of anger. Then it goes all the way up to apoplectic, nuclear meltdown... LOL. (My end of the scale, because I sit on my anger too long (long fuse) until I explode or meltdown.) And if examined closely, you can see clues of the other shades of emotions tinting it.

You're doin' real well Tupp. Dredging through to fresh air! Chirping birds! The first buds of spring!

[lighter]

I'm always astonished at the repeated difficult feelings and dread.....less these days, but it always knocks me sideways, sweeps me up and surprises me when T takes me back to calm with tools I'm familiar with. 

I reach for tools more often, more quickly, but it's not "new default settings" or at least not yet.

Lately, I try to lean in, more....truly drop judgement ( like my life depends on it) and get as curious as I can.... sometimes not very, but the choic is THERE, for me.

I'm trying to trust more, be curious and nonjudgmental when meditating and seeing T.  Trying to make them my new default settings.

It's a process.....to fail, notice, SEE the choices I might make next time and reach for them, however inconsistently, reach them select mindfully..... that's everything, Tupp. 

It's like peeking through a crack.....out of darkness and the unknown.....glimpsing well lit paths.....even if I can only see slivers at first.  The slivers become familiar, then I notice more and become familiar and notice more till there's a whole universe in front of me.....and I really can choose from it's wonders, but also choose the darkness/old defaults/reactivity too.

Noticing choice. 
Restoring choice.
Choosing serenity over borrowing trouble, casting pearls to swine, allowing unsavory people to live in my head, rent free.

I realize...... there's other things I want for myself and family.

Processing the trauma doesn't get rid of it.
It still belongs, but it moves it out of my limbic system....stores it safely out of my daily way so everything I see isn't tinted by it.

That relief....that freedom is everything, IME.

Little steps....through and out the other side.

Yes.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, both, I'm nodding all the way through, especially 'righteous anger', Skep, and moving the trauma out of the limbic system, Lighter.  Thank you.

First session was this morning.  I couldn't get the video link to work so was a bit flustered, plus had to put headphones on to be able to hear her and was then worried about talking too loud and being overheard by son/neighbours.  Unnecessarily worried, it was just nerves, I think, so was a bit wobbly to start with.  But she seems to have that good mix of 'friendly but professional'.  It was a general chat today, her explaining how they work, she asked me quite a bit about my current coping mechanisms and took a general history, explained a bit about how she works with people (basically along the lines of CBT but at a deeper level; she described is as getting to the heart of the wound rather than putting a sticking plaster over it and I got what she meant by that).  I found it very difficult to talk about how worthless I feel and got upset at that point; I also felt quite uncomfortable talking about my mum's involvement in it all.  I do think there is some part of me that has labelled men bad, women good, and having to acknowledge that there are plenty of vile abusive women out there makes me feel uncomfortable, even though if I'm honest, over the course of my lifetime women have done me more damage than men, and the one man who really damaged me was only able to do so because my mother let him.  I find that quite hard to get my head around (only speaking about personal experience).

I did find myself zoning out when I was talking and had to really rein myself back in to listen to her.  I did tell her that, we had a chat about disassociation which she talked about in a very easy and accepting way, so that was helpful.  It was a good session; I feel that she can help.

I did cry a lot after the call ended and then I've slept most of the afternoon.  I don't feel great now but I'm hoping for a decent night's sleep.  We've got a reasonably busy day tomorrow which is probably a good thing as it will stop me brooding.  Going to have a bath now, do some meditation and then have an early night, I think.  My son's been left to his own devices for most of the day which he's been fine about; he said he prefers it to me keeping him busy lol.

[Twoapenny]

Rough night, horrible dreams and woke up feeling very down.  Have tried to stick to a routine through the day and I do feel clearer headed than usual, and have got quite a lot done.  Was very triggered by a message from the friend who is always running round after others, who sent me the list of what she's doing and who she's running around after and it really zinged through me.  Reacted by going through in my head what she ought to do, should I tell her, should I not and after a couple of minutes I thought, I'm just going to focus on how strongly I reacted to her, and strive to avoid contact rather than risk derailing myself with what I'm doing right now.  Everything subsided quickly, we're out for the afternoon/evening which is good, it means I'll be busy and by the time we get home it will just be dinner, bath and bed.

[sKePTiKal]

It sounds like "son" is starting to carve out some autonomy for himself, after all your help. Some self-reliance. That should afford you the space & time to explore at a deeper level, Tupp. But it doesn't have to be 365/24/7. Just make a little daily space for it and then go about the rest of your life.

Uncomfortable things are often clues to great starting points. (not always, but often enough to generalize) I'm sorry about the horrible dreams - both Hol & I have them often enough too. Some are worse than just an awful dream and deserve dissecting.

OH! and I remember that one of the toughest elements of my process was breaking the taboos. The unspoken laws within the dysfunctional/abusive family dynamic. Sounds like MAYBE you're bumping into those?

[lighter]

Tupp, your upset might trace back to struggle with acceptance.  That's often the case for me.

You can't control your friend.  She may never accept help or make better choices.  Accept that and see if things calm around it.

Sorry your having bad dreams, dear. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, both, I really appreciate it.  Skep, my son is definitely coming into his own more, which is a really good thing.  It does make things easier.  More constructive, we can work on things together and then he can do his own thing which frees me up a bit, so that's good.

I've been trying to figure out what it is about me that this reaction to my friend is telling me, and I can't get to the bottom of it and see what it's reflecting back to me.  It just seems so stupid, and they're not stupid people so - is it dysfunction?  Is it just that they're another dysfunctional family and that's what pings in me?  Even though I think most families are pretty dysfunctional, I think that's just how things are.  So I don't know why this needles me so much.

Anyway, I'm trying to only think of it in terms of what it's telling me about me (and even that not too much).  Had a good rest of the day yesterday, slept better last night, busy today and tomorrow and then we've nothing planned for the weekend so we can do things or not do things depending on how we feel, which is very nice xx

Editing because I've carried on thinking about it and a couple of things have occurred to me.  I think any sort of problem or tale of woe triggers a deep compulsion in me to fix and rescue.  As much as I avoid doing that now, it still feels very wrong for me not to do it, and I wonder if that's part of it.  Bit like an alcoholic not being around people who drink, maybe I just need to avoid other people's problems while I work on myself, to avoid the need being triggered.

I also think it's something to do with - not exactly sure how to say this - but people who are perfectly capable of dealing with their problems sensibly and logically, but choose not to.  Kind of preferring the drama or constant chaos?  Again I feel compelled to step in, and find it hard not to.

Unconnected to this, but I was pondering my reluctance to get up and get on with things in the mornings.  I wake up early and every day, I fanny about getting nothing much done for the first two hours.  I really annoy myself and always tell myself I won't do it again.  But then the next day I do the same thing.  I realised/recollected this morning that when I was a kid, I always woke up early, but I'd stay in my room until they both left the house, which was at 7am.  It was just safer that way.  I'm wondering now if some bit inside me still thinks I need to keep my head down and not attract attention until 7 o'clock.  Will have to think on it more and see if it makes a difference in the morning

[lighter]

Ahhhhh, Tupp.  I imagine you spent lots of time wishing your family could drop the needless and toxic drama, chaos and trauma, bc your little heart understood where it came from and how relieved everyone would be
if
it
would
just
STOP. Now. Now. Now. Now.

Like falling off an edge, toxic parents/family members drag children/other family members with them. I think your friend's chaos drags you over her edge..... it's maybe old reactivity popping up and down the monkey hole you go, with her.

I imagine there's a part still living in that place....neeeeeding everyone to stop the madness..... helplessly watching.

If any of that's true, you're no longer helpless .  You're grown and have choices.

Maybe changing your friend, her family and their choices would be most helpful, in the moment...... it's not possible to change them.  They can only change themselves.

What can you change, in the moment?  When you notice reactivity pop up? 

If I catch mine, stop it ......I notice choices I couldn't possibly see before.

That means I remain outside my children's pain and can be responsive instead of limited by reactivity.  I can respond in the best possible way with creative problem solving skills I can't access while reactive, ME.

Your friend feels trapped, bc her choices are based on her selfish family member's choices.  She neeeeeds them to change, so she can change, but that's a stupid trap she can get out of herself, IME. She can't see it now.  Doesn't understand.....she has choices IF she can restore choice, IME.

Like your son growing and maturing....your friend's family is always on that edge of learning, but she's "saving" them from  the discomfort.  Herself too. 

 Your friend would have to cultivate some awareness around her patterns....discover her reactivity and discomfort around it.....learn to endure the discomfort long enough.....long enough to create some buffer where choice pops up and she sees it .....can select the uncomfortable choices bc she can SEE real benefits to her children and husband learning responsibility. She'll benefit too, but I doubt that'll motivate her off the bat.

But to notice the patterns ...

Not so she can stop wearing herself out, but bc it builds her children into stronger more capable people, partners, students, friends and working human beings who aren't mindlessly selfish people acking compassion for others.

Nobody wants to be roommates with a slob who can't cook, clean or do laundry, IME.

Nobody enjoys being married to a selfish person who puts more on their mate than should be carried.

If she can't change for her own health and sanity....maybe she can figure out why she enables her family.....what is she getting out of this?  She's getting something and there doesn't have to be any judgement.  Just gentle awareness, IME.

All you can do is handle yourself.  Maybe instead of getting dragged down her emotional and reactive monkey hole, you get curious, stop judging and honestly ask her why she thinks this life pattern is there.

What does she get from it?  She gets something, even if she's not aware....she can think on it.  The discomfort is ok.  It won't destroy her.  It's a messenger..... it's telling her she's ready to consider other possibilities of doing things....to heal her family, imo.  Just an opinion.

What does she believe it's costing her children to develop these patterns?  Can she see down the road.....possible positive and negative impacts.....can she identify ways to help them become competent adults?  Will she benefit if they need her for basic self care, always?  Does that make sense to her?

She doesn't have to have the answers, but having the questions in her mind might create the microsecond she needs to see how reactive she's been and consider it's impact.  Consider everything. Consider choice again.

Making choices to help them remain helpless
OR
make choices moving them through and into better places.....even though she feels discomfort......she has purpose and widens her ability to withstand the discomfort leading to positive outcomes, usually surprising IME, proving new choices aren't "bad" bc they're scary and unfamiliar and create deep panic in the moment.

That moment when adult children politely knock on a door and ask gently for permission to enter!!!!  It's.....proof and reason to get through the discomfort!!

Or not.  I might be way off about that,  but I am happy your darling boy is gaining more confidence and skills.  I'm not surprised, bc he's watched you all his life.  You've modeled that for him and kept him safe.

Good job, ((Tupp.)) You're a good Mother😘

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Phew, thank, Lighter.  Nodding all the way through.  It definitely brings up something very intense in me, I think right now I'm going to try to just keep away from them/her, not necessarily forever, but I really want this counselling to be 'the thing' that shakes all this stuff out of me and means I can move on without it being a foreboding presence in my life anymore.  I don't feel I can focus on myself completely and manage the way other people make me feel, whatever the reasons for that might be.  And as I don't have to have a lot of contact with her - I can pull right back and keep my mind on other things.

I have found it very difficult to focus today, very scattered and I've found it hard to settle on anything.  I'm trying very hard to keep writing down every little thing that needs doing, however small, so that I can keep going back to my list and doing something, rather than just wafting about.  I've been clearing out a cupboard and I've got a whole load of things out on the sofa that I'm sorting through, some to get rid of, some to reorganise and put away again.  I've just watched the cat tiptoe his way through all of it, find himself the one little comfy spot there is on the sofa and tuck himself into it.  That's what I feel like I need to do at the minute, tiptoe round all the stuff and find the one little comfy spot to hide out in.  It's turning out to be a funny day.  There's a lot coming up that I haven't thought about in a long time.  I feel like I'm doing that slow climb to the top of the roller coaster, when you know there's a moment where nothing happens and then you have no idea what the drop is going to be like.  Feels a bit like that just now x