Hello Guest.
I will attempt to not talk about your husband too much, I just want to focus on you. I hope that's okay.
Have you ever heard of the Stockholm Syndrome? I would suggest that you do a little research on the net about that Syndrome if you haven't already. From what you've written I doubt that, because he is constant in your life, you have been able to delve deep enough to discover your 'true' feelings about this man and what they really are at this stage. And that is perfectly understandable. You will probably need professional help to do this.
Because you have to deal with him so much 'in the moment' about day-to-day things this would be interfering and clouding the big issue, for you to be able to progress to important stages of repair.
I also recommend individual rape counselling or even joining a workshop group for rape victims, a type of group therapy. I read an enormous amount of PTSD symptoms in your written words here alone. Have you been assessed for PTSD? Are you recieving any treatment for PTSD.
Yes, okay, that's a lot of stuff I'm suggesting, but you have to realise,
and I really wonder if you have yet?????????? that the crime that was committted against you was an enormous and heinous one. Where I live that is a jailable offence. He could be in jail now if it weren't for the fact that your mind blocked out the rape. He really should be in jail.
It appears to me that you are still traumised by the event and that you are still in a large amount of denial yourself and how it has affected you. There is also the other issue of fairness and justice which you haven't received.
Your mind may still be blocking the severity of what happened to you,
to you. That may be where you need a therapist to help you through the to recovery.
The anger that you feel is perfectly understandable, but in the situation where you feel you need to or want to live with your abuser you are leaving yourself with no choice but to have to have to try to contain your anger. This is an extremely toxic and vulnerable position that you are placing and keeping your psyche is in. Something must eventually give. Partiularly where he is exhibiting a large dose of denial and lack of personal responsibility.
You need to become aware of the damage which was inflicted on you when you were raped and any subsequent damage caused by any PTSD. Understanding that alone explains the oppositionary feelings you feel. "I love him - I'm so angry - etc." Past and present contradictions that you are battling with on your own are now creating internal friction that needs to be soothed somehow, and soon.
I agree that writing is good therapy, but I add that you will also need professional help and a wise sounding board who knows the whole story and can help you through it.
I would
NOT recommend that go into any joint therapy with this man under any conditions whatsover. Not till you are soundly in touch with
you about the abuse.
He abused you physically/emotionally/psycholologically in one of the most violent and aggressive ways possible within or without a marriage.
But I can hardly type "rape" on an anonymous board without blushing. (there really should be no shame in it, right?) Then there is the matter of his reputation.
This is a very serious accusation that you are making about another person. Slanderous actually. A police matter. Is your husband going to support you in this disclosure of his actions, or will it create more daily conflict for you to deal with? Will he deny it?
On the other hand I don't want my friends to feel sorry for me, I don't want them to be sickened by the details... I don't want them to see me differently.
My personal experience is that it will most likley colour their view of you and him somewhat. It isn't something we hear of every day. It is such a sickening and violent and selfish and abhorrent crime that he committed against you. And then here you are expecting to share it with your friends without them feeling or thinking anything negative??? People aren't amoeba's and you can't control their thoughts or reactions or what they then decide to discuss amongst themselves. If these perople are even partly normal and partly healthy they will most likely feel many strong and probably some quite negative feelings. Actually, even more so because they are your friends.
I think because you deal with him on a present basis you are still having to block the severity of what happened to you, and so maybe you can't see it as others do. A thoroughly
heinous and vile act.
You can't have it both ways in the real world with other people. Because you may have blocked the severity of the act it may be that you are automatically placing this same expectation on others. Even our minds can only block and accomodate such conflicitng views and experiences for a limited amount of time before the walls begin to crumble.
Would you tell your secret?
Yes, definitely, firstly to the police. Then to Mental Health professionals. Possibly then in some type os workshop therapy. Then maybe my parents.
Please be aware, therapists have a duty of disclosure when they are made aware of such crimes. You have to remember to be aware of that when sharing this experience and be prepared for the consequences.
Others aren't necessarily going to seei it as you do or would like them to. A therapist would be very aware that this was an unreported crime and would know that they have duty to report such admisssions. Whether they do or not. Who knows? Be prepared for others like friends and professionals to take this secret of yours very seriously. Perhaps some of them may take it even more seriously than you are able to take it a this stage of your recovery and with your degree of memory blocking.
How do you deal with the anger, with the residual symptoms of being abused? How do you get through it?
By facing the whole foul thing that he did.
By recognizing the damage done to you.
By taking personal responsibility for doing the repair work required.
By brainstorming and dealing with it all, and properly.
By breaking out of any personal guilt or shame by taking a position.
By taking the position of naming it as a crime against you.
By saying, "That rape was a crime against me and my humanity".
By taking control of your life and futureNow onto him. Please be aware of this. He has a vested interest in being nice to you. Why? You haven't reported him and his crime.
YET!
David