Mother's Day

[chutzbagirl]

Mother's Day...This day used to hit me like a sleeper wave and knock me off my feet with the force of the grief.   Right now I feel pretty calm - unless I'm in denial.    

I will pray for my M, but focus on myself.  Now that's a concept for those of us raised by N's   I hope to celebrate the victory of surviving those blasted N's and being sane enough to raise children and have a positive impact on their lives.    

I am going out for a pedicure (my favorite spluge   ) and spending a quiet bbq with my family.  Maybe we'll play some games...  I don't even want to do my in-laws that day.  I'm sick of being around people that have dead hearts.  They aren't N - but they don't feel whole - no talk of emotion or pain allowed.    

I wish everyone a happy M's day.  

Chutzbagirl  

[Stormchild]

Mother [The Police]

[From the album Synchronicity (A&M): Words and music by Andy Summers]

Well the telephone is ringing
Is that my mother on the phone?
Telephone is ringing
Is that my mother on the phone?
The telephone is screaming
Won't she leave me alone!!!!
The telephone is ringing
Is that my mother on the phone?

Well every girl that I go out with
Becomes my mother in the end
Every girl that I go out with
Becomes my mother in the end
Well, I hear my mother calling
But I don't need her as a friend

Oh Oh mother
Oh mother dear please listen
And don't devour me
Oh mother dear please listen
And don't devour me
Oh women please have mercy
Let this poor boy be
Oh mother dear please listen
And don't devour me

**********************

That about sums it up, I'm afraid. Hugs all -

[d'smom]

ok there -has- to be a positive mothers day note here:

my d. is not allowed to send me mothers day cards  which sucks for both of us.

but, she gave me my present already! she is taking a big test in school this week, she is usually great at tests and a great student, but living with THEM has shaken her confidence and she told me she needed me to wish her luck.

i told her she was a great test taker and i had faith and knew she was gonna do great (which is true). i told her she was going to do so well there would be smoke coming off the end of her pencil.

i asked her a few days later how she was doing and she said she felt very good about it and felt 'proud of herself' for how she was doing.

then she said proudly: "confidence - the greatest thing you gave me."

ahh! that made this mama very very happy.

i tried to tell her but im not sure she understood  how important that was to me. you can never be sure life will be without problems.... but if you give someone confidence.... they can deal with the problems that happen..true self confidence (not fake superiority or whatever else n's do) but real self-confidence - has got to be one of the most important traits a person can have..

its the exact antithesis of what our parents gave us.  so that was my mama's day present in a -very- big way

[astrofemme]

Here's what I have decided about Mother's Day. Since she gets a gift for being my mother, I get an even better gift on Mother's Day for being the daughter who had to mother HER. From here on out, I will always give myself a better gift on Mother's Day. So the gift I ordered for her....well, I ordered the upgrade version for myself. Ha!

New way to pamper myself--new tradition.

[Anonymous]

Hey guys,

Just got back from a little shopping.

I found there is a real advantage to having a mother who is a 'pill' as Stormy so memorably put it.

I saved $3.50 by not having to buy a card, and at least five minutes not trying to find one that said the right thing.

And all I had to do to realize these tremendous savings was have my mom believe I am an evil, greedy, insane, criminal hooligan, who she apparently intends never to speak to again.

Quite a deal my thoughtful brother arranged for me. So help me Hannah, I'll have to be sure and thank him appropriately someday.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

This is the first year I won't be sending my mother anything for Mother's Day.  It does make me sad some even though it is what I have chosen to do.  In the past I did not have a problem with Mother's Day.  Even now I appreciate my mother for many things.  There's things I also have a real problem with, that's why I don't have an ongoing relationship with her.  Last time I heard from her was on my birthday in February and I received a short email that said something like:  "I couldn't let this day pass by without wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY."  My thoughts were that I hoped she got some joy out of it because I didn't.  I have made it very clear why I am upset with her and she chooses not to deal with it.  Also a number of times in the past she stated she was ending the relationship and last time my father also stated this ... this time I have chosen not to let the relationship continue without resolution of the problems.  

And bunny, thanks for your reply.

LM

[Bliz]

Here is something I just noticed about myself when these Mother type holidays, including Mom or Dad's birthday, come up.  I want to do something, many times, that will really make that day special but often way stress myself out, doing it.  

Often there is not a lot of support from the rest of the family...WHOA...I know that is a big surprise to all of you..hahahaha!!  Well this year I really thought about that and the effect it has on me.  Like why is it so do or die. Who am I trying to please here?  Myself? My Mom?  

This year my fantasy was to get the older nieces and nephews to help me clean out the existing river camp so it would be ready for enjoyment when Mom and Dad, went up there.  I realized this was a huge longshot as the kids have a lot of other activites and I am sure cleaning is not on their minds.

I tried all week to not stress out about it and just say, hey if nobody comes I will do it myself.  Well, surprise of surprise, the two older girls are going.  I really feel blessed but still think I need to dissect why I must come up with these great ideas or at least  how not to get so stresseed about it.

[catlover]

Here would be a great backhanded message for a mother's day card a fellow child-of-an-Nmother thought of:

"Here's hoping you have a day that's just as special as you are!"

I just use a blank note and write in real big letters "happy mother's day" so I don't have to write much else.

[astrofemme]

Well, I got my thank you for the MDay gift I sent.  The response was better than usual as the gift was described as "interesting."  I know what that means but it beats the heck out of, "Is this a joke?", "Is that all?" "You idiot, I don't need this" or "You keep it."

There certainly is a market for those plain Happy Mother's Day cards out there.

[chutzbagirl]

Stormchild - loved your M's day card.   Unfortunately I would not be able to suppress my 'sailor' language if I were to create Hellmark cards.    I could get on a roll but I don't want to offend anybody.  

Thank God I don't have to listen to what a wonderful mother my M was anymore!  (Detachment does have it's payoffs.)  I'd nod in nauseating agreement while remembering the open sores resulting from stress I'd try to hide from my teachers and schoolmates.  They just don't make mother's day cards for those kinds of mothers.  

Let's toast to the idiocracy of mother's day for those of us raised by N's!

La Chaim!  (To Life)

Chutzbagirl  

[FlowerGirl]

Dear All,

Wow. this thread came at the right time. I spent an hour yesterday trying to find a sufficiently bland card. nMom's bday wasn't long ago, so it is back to back pain in my world. and M -day cards are SO painful to read...

Anyways... I found one. And wrote it quickly. but get this - on the b-day card I got the response "i could tell you struggled to write I love you on the card".. well, I guess I better use penmanship with more conviction!

to all you out there with nMoms - Lets take a page from chutzbagirl's book and do something for OURSELVES on mom's day... goodness knows we all deserve it!

--FG

[OR]

I love being a mother but have an N Mother. I often wonder having an N mother if I'm missing something important inside I should be doing for my Daughter.

I love my D so much and I know Im not an N so you do the best with what you do have.

I bought a M-Day card, I got lucky it was simple, "have a great day I love you". There are times I almost forget until the last minute to send her a card. I get so busy with my own life and then I stop to remember I still have a mother to send a card to and should feel blessed.

I have spent time looking through cards to find the ones that don't say things like" thank you for all your support", or you always show how much you love me or care about me. I'ts been mailed I sign it with love and nothing more. She has never been intrested in my life.

I will be spending time with my D, and SIL, BIL, and their kids.
not sure what we are doing but sure it will be fun.


OR

[serena]

To the poster with the idea about the N Mother's Day card company - try to get 'Hallmark' to start a special day for those abused and trampled upon by those that should have loved, cherished, nourished and adored them.

Let's start our own. We can call it "Hellmark".

Sample verse:

"To Mother, on your special day:
I'm glad that you are far away;
And just because you're such a pill,
I wish that you were farther still."

Remember - it's the thought that counts    

I LOVE IT!!!!!

I live in a different country to my N mother precisely because I don't want much to do with her.  I also think it's a great idea for 'survivors' of N parents to treat themselves on Mother's Day.

[Stormy]

I have spent time looking through cards to find the ones that don't say things like" thank you for all your support", or "you always show how much you love me or care about me."

Well, here's another thought... inspired by these quotes from the cards you saw, OR.

We can buy cards with really sappy sentiments in them, and ADD OUR OWN PUNCTUATION.

So:
"Dearest Mother, I will never forget the love and devotion you have shown me."

becomes:

"Dearest? Mother???? I will never forget the "love" and "devotion" you have shown me!!!!!!.

Who sez you can't improve on perfection?        

"Hellmark - When you don't care at all, but have to send something to the beast."

[Anonymous]

Stormy said:

"Hellmark - When you don't care at all, but have to send something to the beast."

    You are the best!

mia