Does someone know of a good sexual abuse support site?

[Anonymous]

denise,
i dont know if you are still reading i just want to say how brave i think youve been. i wish there was something i could offer that was helpful but, just know i admire you. i hope you stay here and talk although i really hope you find other help too.
anna

Thankyou, Denise

[Denise]

Dear Denise:

You have truly endured horrors. I'm so sorry for all of the pain you have experienced and are still experiencing.

Cutting is not bad.....but it is very unhealthy.   Please do go to those sites that might contain more information to help you get healthier in this area.  You know it's not helping you to do it.

You are wondering why everything seems so overwhelming now?  My guess is that you felt attached to and great trust for Otus.  Have you ever felt that attached to or trusted any one else as much as that before?

If not, then this may be one of the biggest losses you have ever suffered and so it is understandable that you will have a great bit of grieving to do.

I'm sorry Denise, for that loss.    

But cutting to relieve the tension.....rather than grieving.....feeling the feelings....getting them out....releasing them....will not make you any healthier.   Cutting makes you unhealthier.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist about your traumas and feelings?
It is something that might really help you...at this point.

You don't have to relive all of the trauma you've experienced over and over.  You can decide to focus on feeling well....finding joy....living in the now.   And work on healing your pain in therapy.

It's not an easy thing to do but it is possible if you decide to do the work.

I hope things will get much better for you.  You will have to take the first step for that to happen.

Otus:  You're a good friend to Denise (I assume).  It must be shocking to open an email and see pictures of your friend, all cut up and bloody.  It is heart breaking to think about.   Traumatic for you too, I bet.  What do you think you need to do to protect yourself from this unhealthy behaviour of Denise's?  Would it be possible for you to make it clear that if another pic like this arrives...you will not feel comfortable opening any further emails?

Part of the behaviour seems to be involving punishing you.  That's my take.  We all agree.....you're no saint, Otus.  But....no one is obliged to encourage unhealthy behaviour of a friend, or be traumatized as punishment for past deeds.  What do you think?

(((((Denise)))))     (((((Otus)))))

My prayers are with you both.

GFN

No i have never trusted or opened up to anyone before, not to the extent i did with David, he knows my life inside out, my behaviour is unhealthy i agree and wrong, but sometimes despair and desperation take over, i am trying to deal with a million different things at once, and i find it difficult to say the least.
Thankyou for taking the time to read

[Denise]

denise,
i dont know if you are still reading i just want to say how brave i think youve been. i wish there was something i could offer that was helpful but, just know i admire you. i hope you stay here and talk although i really hope you find other help too.
anna

I am still reading, i find a lot of mixed feelings, and i find it difficult to read what people are saying, but its a reality, and ive got to face that sooner or later, am on a long hard journey,hopefully in time things will improve, but for now i live day to day, thanks anyway

[Anonymous]

I'm writing this in the hope that I can direct a dear friend of mine to a site more suited to her problems.....can you help?

This girl was sexual abused as a young child by one of her mothers many boyfriends. Her mother was on the game (hooker) and when doing so, would leave her then two young daughters alone for days on end in what passed for a home (laughingly). The girls were aged 5 and 7 at the time when the younger one was continually abused! Whilst on their own, the now ex boyfriend would climb in through an open small window and carry out the abuse. She has now idea how many years before she was 4/5 this started, but it stopped when she was 6/7, she's now 39.

Their mother would regularly dissappear for days at a time, leaving the girls alone to fend for themselves. The mother was an alcoholic and would attack the girls....on one occassion with a hammer, frequently!

On returning from nursery one day, the girls were given some money, told that they were loved and then sent to the shops to buy sweets. On their return, there was no sign of mum and the house was shut and locked. They waited.....and waited.....and waited......then it was dark. Neighbours finally called social services and they were taken into care.

They both had scabies and went through a de-lousing treatment before being placed in a childrens home. Neither child had any idea of what the hell was going on! But this was one of many stays that they'd had in homes as a result of being abandoned by the mother. Days turned to weeks.....this time it was different. The authorities took a care order out and they were permanently taken into care!

Once again, their mother surfaced and tried to recover her kids, but it was too late! So she embarked on a campaign of visiting the children and telling them that they'd soon be home with her. She'd even tell them how she'd got new bedrooms for them and how many dolls she'd bought for them...etc. Weeks turned to months and there was no going home. The visits became less frequent. She married again.....a total of 4 times in the end. 8 more kids followed with this or that guy....and still she was pissing up and on the game whilst her two little girls were in care!!

Finally they moved from the home and into foster parents...out of the frying pan and into the fire! No one new that the younger girl had been continually and fully sexually abused......even she didn't tell anyone! The new foster home turned out to be a dumping ground for the authorities who couldn't place difficult children. The foster parents had turned it into a business and had 8 children living with them. The money was rolling for them, but the younger of the two girls started to experience the wrath of the foster mother. Maybe as a result of exhibiting effects of the sexual abuse or whatever, but the foster parents started to physically abuse her! This continued for 7 years before she ran away at 14.

Oh did I forget to mention, she also started to selfharm at this age! She'd take a blade to her arms and legs slicing just enough, but not too much! When they'd find her sleeping rough somewhere, they'd lock her up....pin down! Our lovely authorities!!

She used to sleep rough on building sites....all alone! How she managed to escape far more serious assaults is a  amazing! A pattern developed of the authorities catching up with her, back in to care, then escaping again. This continued till she was 16....then she fell pregnant!

By 18 the had two children by the same guy. He was doing drugs, she wasn't. He'd tried to set fire to her in bed, beaten her variously! When carrying a third child, he dropped kicked her in her stomach. She lost the baby.....a deep mental scare for her to bare! He left having caused huge damage to her. A previous boyfriend, a childhood sweet heart, moved in and she was pregnant again. But this guy couldn't cope with the fact that she'd had two children by another guy and was beating her up! She awoke in hospital one morning with a broken jaw and face! He left!

Another miscarriage and one final baby with another guy who dumps her and she's on her own again. This time she decides it's best to keep it this way......well one can understand why! She brings the kids, 4 of them, up on her own! Never does any drugs, doesn't drink too much and buys everything through her own hard work! Never fails the children, not once! A model mother.....a very, very, very good woman!

She starts a job looking after the elderly. Loves it! Soon she's looking after several doing home help and their shopping. She gets close to some, too close! Over time, they die.....don't we all! Two that she's very close to die either in pain, or on their own and are found by her the following day! She is deeply, deeply traumatised by this!

He children are not longer children....they're growing up and leaving home. Her entire purpose.....her being as a person is beginning to collapse! She's always kept dolls houses in he adult years. Expensive ones complete with dolls. The master, butler, cook, wife and children.....the perfect house......the home she never had but always dreamt of! She no longer plays with the dolls, reality is biting.....and hard!

She cries over the deaths of her two elderly friends....her mother and father! They never had a clue what was going on for as you see, this little girl makes far deeper  and hidden connections with people, far more than any realise! She's is more devastated by their deaths than their real families! Slowly, she's collapsing from within.......

She meets a guy over the net........now this ones different! You might expect that a girl with her background would be free and easy with her favours.......not so!  With less than 6 or 7 sexual partners in her entire life, she's not exactly winning slapper of the year contests! She's a good woman, a descent woman.

She's had an affair with a guy for 12 years. Yes it's not good, but that's the way she wanted it because of what happened with the other men in her early life! Yes he lives with someone else and yes she knew this from the outset, but he's big and strong and if she ever needed a man to sort something or one out, he'd do it for her! But that's long over now.....over by 12months or more! He loved her, still does, but she doesn't have those feelings for him!

The new boyfriend......well he's posh.....or rather he talks as if he is. Older, she likes that, but not too old.....7 years difference. He's in business and flashes the cash! He takes her out for dinner....they stay in posh hotels.....she's smitten with him!

He's not long out of a marriage and a serious but painfull relationship. He too had a difficult childhood, a bullying and violent father, but nothing like her background!! He's a good listen.....and talker! He left one woman for another and promptly lost everything in the process! At the end of which, he even lost the mistress! He'd served her purpose and she no longer needed him. He was bitterly used, but that's life! It took him time to get over it all, but he's on the other side now, he's ready to date again!

He wants a relationship with a girl, but nothing heavy! No living with or 24/7. He wants to take a girl out, have fun, have sex....but nothing serious.....he can't cope with serious for fear of it all going wrong again! Nice and light....nice and simple.....dating, friendship, nothing else! He tells her this at the kick off. He listens to her problems......he's shocked to the core! As the weeks pass, his admiration for her grows! They spend time together....they talk a lot.....they get on well......and she feels safe with him!

Two months in to their 'light' relationship he makes a mistake...idiot! One night he tells her he loves her....big mistake! Two weeks later he's been talking to another girl over the net and goes around to hers one night. A few hours later and he's left having all but slept with her! He never sees her again.....but the damage is done!! Our damaged little girl.....our dreadfully hurt woman.....finds out! All hell breaks loose!!!! Just as she was beginning to relax.....just when what had happened to her as a child and those recent deaths was being replaced by the presence of newby.......the lid to pandoras box has been knocked open! The shit had hit the fan! Breakdown.......big time!!!!!

All of the what had happened over those many years now rises to the surface! Newby is back peddling like now tomorrow!!! Yes he's a 'player' but everything was supposed to be ok with her as she knew things weren't heavy between them.....just light! But then the f..king wan.er did say he loved her and she'd never met a guy like this before!! He understood her and she'd told him things she'd never said to another before! He'd replaced all of her pain......and the recent deaths of people close to her.....he was special.....he was such a f***ing idiot for not understanding what he was getting into! He'd really walked into things this time!!

She's beside herself and totally undone.....top to toe! He's trying to get away from her now.....but she needs someone, him, more than ever as the full emotion of those early years and beyond are exploding all over the place! Depression.....and then some!! A month or two later and she's diagnosed as 'Severly clinically depressed'! She can't work and has withdrawn to her bedroom.....her last castle! Frightened to go out....speak to even her children.....she either sits playing on her play station....listening to music.....or growling at people! Things get worse, much worse!

Unable to work, she's on the sick. 6 months elapse and her sick pay dries up! He's tried to end the relationship over and over......but she needs him more than ever! Everything that she's worked for is in jepeody! She's never had to rely on anyone before, but now she's desperate. He stands by her and comes through with the money as she's asked him to. He tries to contain the damage! On the one hand he's tip toeing away, spending less and less time with her but paying the bills!

He organises a counselor for her.....and covers the costs.....but 12 months later......and nothing has changed! Panic attacks, furore and fear of going out still abound! She's frightening herself even!

She spends most of her time ranting and raving at him! Everything he does is remorslessly questioned. He tells her that they're not in a relationship anymore.....but are good friends. He talks to her daily and texts back and forth continually. But at times she becomes totally overwhelming and has started to self-harm again! The ranting and raving becomes intense....so intense....he's withering under it all!!! He starts to shout back....the whole thing is a mess!!

She's threatening suicide by the day!! On anti depression tablets and diazzapan for over a year, nothing seems to work! The NHS wheels turn slowly. Nothing happens quickly....she's virtually on her own except for him! He family have all but backed away......he is backing further away under the strain of it all!

She goes to the police over her childhood sex abuse......they listen and pull the guy in for questioning. He's as guilty as sin.....and they know it.....but there's little they can do!! He's now old.....but as cunning as hell! He runs rings around the law......and knows he's going to get away with it!

She gets her childhood file from social services......what a terrible mess this poor girl has suffered from! It's a nightmare by anyones standing!!! She's close.....very close to the edge! Things have become soo bad......she's in danger....real danger of losing her life! He doesn't know what to do and is trying one thing after another to help! She sends pictures to him by phone of what she'd done to herself with a blade! He sends the cops in.....she kicks them out claiming he made it up......the picture and words attached don't lie.....she's slashed the hell out of the tops of her legs!! He's at his wits end!

She's a good person.......and he's a twat!! I am that twat......and one hell of a one! I knocked the lid off the box.....and I've got to get it back on! No one else wants to know....no one! I know that I can't continue like this for ever......I had not intention of being here in the first place! But she is a truly outstanding woman who's suffered sooooo much over the years....and survived.....until she met me.....wa*ker that I am! It's either into an institution she goes from here......or she starts to pull round after 18 months of it!

One way she could be helped is in finding similar groups such as this that could help her over the net. She has difficulty sleeping at nights and often has no one to talk to. Does anyone know of good sites like this but more geared to sexual abuse and depression than this one? I need to focus her attention towards something like this, hopefully UK based!

Thanks for reading it all.

Otus

Can i just make 1 comment, i didnt have miscarriages, i had two beautiful babies, the 1st a baby girl weighing 41b12, at 35 wks gestation, she was never given the chance to breath life, she was stillborn, my other was a baby boy weighing 21b four an a half ounces, 29 wks gestation, premature labour due to a beating,he lived for 4 an a half hrs then died peacefully in my arms, Kirsty and Wesley, my babies, and now my angels forever xxxx

[Anonymous]

Dear Denise:

No i have never trusted or opened up to anyone before, not to the extent i did with David, he knows my life inside out,

So then this is indeed a huge loss for you, this romantic relationship
that is over with him?  You understand this and realize that you must grieve this loss?

 

my behaviour is unhealthy i agree and wrong,

Try not to think of it so much as wrong or bad because those terms often infiltrate your view of yourself/interfere with your self esteem....my behaviour is wrong, bad...therefore I am wrong, bad.

Nope.  That's not it at all.  You are not wrong or bad.

You have an unhealthy behaviour.

You are a good person, Denise and right now it seems you have decided that when you are in despair, when you feel desperate......this behaviour is acceptable.  It isn't.  It is unhealthy and dangerous.

You have to get this point across to yourself, consciously and unconsciously, in order to overcome your unhealthy behaviour, which is now....forming into a habit.

This idea, that this behaviour is a substitute for dealing with your feelings, will need to be corrected, by substituting more appropriate ideas,  in order to help you stop this unhealthy behaviour, imo.

Tell yourself.....

"When I feel upset I will find healthy ways to release my feelings.
 I will substitute these for cutting.  I will overcome this unhealthy behaviour.  I will do ............."

Write it out in huge letters and post it all over your house.  Stand in the mirror, once an hour and repeat it out loud.  Record it on a tape recorder and play it morning and night, as you relax your body in a chair, or some place comfortable.  See yourself succeeding.  See your beautiful healthy skin and yourself.....happy and free of this unhealthy behaviour.  Imagine yourself free of this unhealthy behaviour.  Visualize yourself letting go of it.  Give it a form.....any nasty thing you choose.....eg. picture the behaviour as a black crow.....an watch it fly far, far away.   Gone.  Forever.

Find a therapist who will help you with this.  A hypno-therapist if possible.

You must do the work to fix this.  It is a dangerous, destructive, unhealthy behaviour.  It is not a way of coping.  It is a way of avoiding coping.

I'm not being kind to you Denise.  I'm being real with you.  Please believe that you can correct this.  Only you can correct it.  No doctor, no pill, no relationship, no friend, nobody but you can stop yourself from behaving in an unhealthy way.  And it will take work but it is certainly something that can be corrected.  And you can do it!

...but sometimes despair and desperation take over, ...

Every single person here has dealt with despair.  I'm so very, very sorry for all you've been through.                
I also see that you are no quitter.  You're here seeking support and believe me, you will get it, if you stick around here.

But you must decide to correct this behaviour.  No one else can do that for you.  People will definately be here for you, to support your every effort, and cheer you on, and encourage you to correct this...and do all they can to help you through this.  People here will sit with you, in your despair and listen and offer you cyber hugs and sympathy and empathize with your situation.  They will try to comfort you and let you know that you are not alone.

So ......when you feel at your wits end......when you are full of despair and hurt and saddness and fury and all the emotions that emerge......

What else, besides cutting yourself with a blade, can you do, Denise?

Board memebers:  Please help Denise with this......what else can she do?

I hope people will add to this list:

1.  Come here and post.  Read.  Post 50 thousand times per hour (heehee) if you need to.  Post. Read. Post.  Post. Read. Read.  Post.

2.  Cry, scream, pound a pillow, draw pictures of your tormentors and jump up and down on them, rip them to shreds, write your feelings down, write, write, write, call a friend, scribble, hug a teddy bear, .....

3.  Excercise.......go for a walk, rake the lawn, or volunteer to rake an elderly neighbour's lawn, ride a bike, go for a swim.......

4.  Do something comforting for yourself...take a bubble bath....rent a funny movie, go to the library and look at books, research a topic, start a new hobbie, or work on an old one, call a friend, ...........

These may not be in the necessary order.  Others will add to this list, I bet.

...i am trying to deal with a million different things at once

So stop dealing with everything at once.  Decide that you don't have to do that.  You don't.  Deal with one thing at a time.  You're not a robot.  You're not expected to be the almighty problem solver of all eternity, capable of dealing with a million things at once.  You are only human.  Do you expect perfection in yourself?  Is this another idea that needs to be banished?
 

...and i find it difficult to say the least.

Tell us one thing....one problem....that you need help with.  Talk about it and see if others can help you work through it.  Decide that you can work on it.  You can decide anything you like.  You can decide to stop dealing with everything at once, if you want to.  You can decide to move forward and away from this state that you are in.   You can decide to reach out here for more help, as often as needed.

Thankyou for taking the time to read

Denise, you are very, very welcome.  Thankyou for realizing that it takes time to read and to respond.  I will gladly read and write to you, whenever I can and so will a lot of people here.

Now..........Get rid of every knife in your possession.  Bundle them up and get rid of them.  Everything sharp, that could possibly be used to cut with....get it out of your home, out of your life.  Take the first step toward stopping this unhealthy behaviour.  Do it, (((((((((Denise)))))))).  You can do it!!!

GFN

[Brigid]

Denise,
The horrors you have lived through are unimaginable and no child or adult should have had to indure that much pain.

In no way would I defend what Otus has done.  He broke the trust you had developed in him and he must take responsibility for that.  However, IMO you had SO much pain buried that needed to come out and be healed, that it was only a matter of time before something or someone would have caused that to happen.  

My life looks like a fairy tale compared to yours, but I can, in a small way, relate to needing to heal that very deeply inflicted pain.  I am having to go to that place in therapy now and it is very scary and uncomfortable.  But if I have any hopes of truly being whole and happy and be able to make good decisions about relationships in the future, it must happen.

I hope that you can find a therapist with whom you can develop a trust so that you, too, can go deep inside to heal the many wounds that have been inflicted.  You must be a very amazing woman to have been able to raise your children and do your job so competently and with such love.  But now you need to focus on you.  I pray that you will find the help you need.

God bless,

Brigid

[Shwankey]

Hi,

I can't write much because I'm on some serious pain meds and am pretty out of it. But here's a great place for support and I got there often.

www.survivors-treehouse.net.

The site is slowly growing and the chat is wonderful. There's another site out there, but I've found it be be quite abusive itself and don't recommend it in any way. I chat almost daily at the treehouse. Sometimes no one is there, but if you just hang out, someone usually shows up. The more people we get going there, the more people to chat with. So spread the word.

Shwankey

[Anonymous]

Shwankey[/quote]www.survivors-treehouse.net. THANKS

[Otus]

Getting absolutely pie eyed drunk, can be fun! I wonder how many of us can remember trying to put one foot in front of the other having had ten to many? It's sooooooo simle really....but for all the effort in the world.....and no matter how hard we try.......it nearly always ends with us falling over and into a heap upon the floor! Fun I know, but I'm trying hard to aliken the situation Denise lives in today with the aforementioned.

No she's not pissed drunk....on booze or tablets. But as hard as she tries....and boy does she try.....Denise always manage to grab the wet end of the stick! She sees the paint on one end of the stick.....she does he level best not to grab that end.....but damn it, she always manages to get her hands covered in the paint.....no matter what, no matter how hard she tries not to!

I visited this site a number of years ago....and hung around for a time. I found it to be informative.....good....fair.....honest. Years later and thinking on about Denise, I thought it might be a good idea for her to talk with other perhaps troubled minds. So I told her that I was going to post about her on the net....I kind of got her agreement.....and then went ahead and wrote what I did earlier. That same evening.....I told her, in passing, that her story was up live and on the air right now! I could sense the whiff of panic over the phone as she started to ask: 'what, where, how....! So I told her....and she came here a calling!

This is all new stuff for her.....she hasn't got a clue about internet forums.....and not much more about computers at that   ! Over the phone whilst talking to me, she started to read it......and promptly hit the roof! Not because I'd lied or anything.....just with the shear shock of it all being soooo very public now! For years she'd bottled it up inside.....and now the whole bloody world new! It took her a time to calm down and start to analyse what I'd written. The next day and she was pretty much happy with the entire piece....albeit not entirely.

It had taken Denise several attempts to get out of me where I'd posted her story. Mainly because I knew she'd hit the roof....because it was a first and she hates new things. She avoids going out...unless she has to...or if it's with someone she knows really well.....like me for instance. Anything new is not good and is always met by a huge panic attack across her face. Denise has a great scowling face......leaves no one in any doubt that she's pissed off   ! But I pushed her into it.......in a vain hope I could get her to talk more to others in yet another attempt to get her to push her bounderaries!

You see, Denise is very much like the drunk I mentioned earlier. She knew what I was going to do.......but couldn't cope with it after I did it! Well it's her life I was writing about.....her secret! By the time she'd read to the end of the first paragraph, she'd already found something she didn't like. By the end of the entire piece......panic had set in! It took me a time to calm her down, but by then, she'd fired two corrections off in reply!
This might seem strange....easily so for someone not in Denise's shoes.

But then again Denise is learning to walk all over again! I don't wish to minimise people who can't walk.....but Denise is just like a crippled person.....only in the head! So on the surface there's nothing wrong.....not even a slured speach to suggest her damage.....but damage there is.....and by the bucket load! So having first posted my piece....and on behalf of someone else in the hope you could help me help her.....she stumbled into the world of help forums......and it looked as if we, Denise and I, were argueing! We weren't, I was just holding her hand as I helped her forward......you've got to give her a push sometimes.

Now she's busy posting to a number of the sites you've kindly directed her towards......the more the merrier. Yes I went about things the long way round......and yes this is all so very new for her.....but given time, she'll come out of her shell....and with people like you supporting her.

Denise has told me that someone wrote to her about: Otus, Denise and David being one and the same person. So I'd like to finally add this: Otus is the name of a submarine I served on in the Royal Navy many years ago. I used it as a name I could post by. Denise on the other hand, it knew to this.....and used her real name not understanding why she shouldn't   . And as you now know.....my name is David and I'm a stunningly bald, fat, 45 year young, beast of a man......from Ireland.....originally......and I can't spell........but I can pass the loudest of farts possible!   ......and Denise will verify this, much to her disgust   .

David

[October]

and Denise will verify this, much to her disgust   .

David

I would personally prefer if you did not post anything else telling us personal details about Denise, Otus.  Before you did not know that you were breaking confidences ... maybe.  Now you do.  To continue would be an unwarranted crossing of boundaries, imo.

Please feel free to talk about yourself, even about your relationship as you see it, but nothing further about her.  Thank you.

[Anonymous]

         

[Anonymous]

Hi David,

Okay, I remember you from when you posted before. Thanks for identifying yourself. This is what I'm hearing: you are overwhelmed, frightened, panicking, feel responsible, guilty, etc., and you acted out. You invaded Denise's privacy by posting your version of her story, with details that are very personal. I think your intention was to help her, but come on, this was so clearly wrong. Can we help you with your feelings and your story (not hers)? David, do you have a therapist?

bunny

[October]

         

(((((((safe hugs)))))))

[Anonymous]

Today i feel sad and desperately lonely, i hate this world and i hate the person i have become, i can see no future, i have no hopes, am lost          

[bunny]

Hi Denise,

It sounds like you're feeling very upset about what happened on this board (among other things). I don't think anyone feels critical toward you. We can hold onto some hope for you, since it's hard for you right now.

bunny