tears at 4am

[FlowerGirl]

Dear All,

I'm curious whether this element of my experience is similar to anyone else's. I am sure my mom is an N, but am still exploring what that means. Seeing my life through that lens has helped me tremendously, but there are times (like now, in the middle of the night) when I find myself hurt and trying so hard to understand...

My mother likes to know where me and my sibling - her only other offspring - are at all times. In recent weeks, I have successfully weaned her off the persistant phone calls with me (after a huge breakdown), but my sibling refuses to acknowledge the problem (which, I suppose, needs to be in their own time.)  But, today - tonight, rather, as it is 4am - i had a replay of a common story and it has brought me to tears.

My sibling, who is elsewhere on a trip, failed to call at the appointed time. nMom has paniced and sent about 100 text messages and voicemails. for reasons I can't explain, no response. NMom calls me to send emails at 3:00 am. which, I admit, is a huge problem. but, here's the kicker -

--the assumption is that my sibling is dead. this is explicit.G-d forbid - I hope not! But, that's the standing assumption.

--secondly, sibling is spoken of in derogatory terms for not calling. really mean words are used. For as long as I can remember, mean words are used in these circumstances. Even to your face.

--I am called and cried to. Historically, I'd be in the same house and cried to. screaming. any effort to help  - "maybe they are at dinner" is greated with a scream.

--I am dismissed as being useless (which, admittedly, I am in this circumstance) for not being more enthusiastic to hear these tirades. at 3am.

So, I sit here in the dark, hugging my childhood bear in my apartment, thinking that I have to get up for work in only a few hours. Crying my eyes out for reasons I can't begin to explain.  Guilt about not caring whether my sibling is okay (or rather, not panicking about it now) is lingering. Guit and anger about not being my mother's crutch. Not doing my job.  Anger at being awake at 3am. Shame at my self-pity at a time like this. A feeling of total exhaustion... And the knowledge that in 20 minutes, G-d willing, sibling will call and all will be forgotten and this whole episode will melt into the collection of similar ones that have filled my bear with tears over the years.

Has this happened to anyone else? Is this "normal" for an N? In some of your stories, I hear shades of it....

Thank you,
FlowerGirl

[Anonymous]

Dear FlowerGirl:

I find myself hurt and trying so hard to understand...

Thoughts and feelings like this take hold of me too, sometimes.  I'm sorry that your mother is so into herself that she does not begin to see that you are a loving, valuable, intelligent, gentle person.  I can see those things already by reading your words.

What helps me most is to remember that the person is sick.  Just as if they had cancer that was eating them up, so is thier ailment.  If it were cancer....causing the brain to work like this.....would I think and feel the same???  Probably not.

I know this doesn't erase the hurt they inflict with their words and behaviour....but it does give me more understanding and it helps me to stop allowing their stuff to continue to cause me grief.

I can ask myself:  If it were cancer....what would I do?  Would I let the words and behaviour penetrate into my heart as deeply as I am now?  Or would I try to ignor most of it?  And think of it as the disease talking?

I think it might help you to decide to put up some boundary lines.....where you won't allow your mother to cross, from now on.

For instance.......when your sibling is found to be safe and well.....undoubtedly you will hear about it...and when you do, you could say something like:

"I'm glad to hear that.  There was no need to panic.  I won't be sending emails at 3 am again.  So don't bother calling."

And be prepared for the nasty response......which you can let wash off, like water off a duck...by repeating:

"Maybe so....but I still won't be sending emails at 3 am again."

--I am dismissed as being useless (which, admittedly, I am in this circumstance) for not being more enthusiastic to hear these tirades. at 3am.

You can now choose to do the dismissing.  You are not useless but sending a bunch of emails at 3 am.....is a waste of your time and energy.  It could have waited until morning.  You can learn from this experience and rather than allow it to keep causing you to feel hurt inside.....you can think of it as a lesson.....that your mother's demands for you to send emails at 3 am......is useless.  Kind of turn it around see?  And let the derogatory message go away from you....and give it to her behaviour....which is where it belongs, right?

Guit and anger about not being my mother's crutch. Not doing my job.

FlowerGirl, it's not your job to be any one's crutch.  The fact that she needs a crutch...shows that she is sick.   I'm sorry that she is not nurturing you.  You can do that for yourself.....if you decide to....because it will help you.

I'm sorry that you have such a sick mother.   That's not very nice and I understand how angry and frustrated that might be making you feel.  You're doing the right thing by venting here.  At least you're trying to let it out.  I'm sorry that this had to happen in the middle of the night, when you have to get up for work soon.  Maybe, once you start to set some boundaries, there will be less chance of it happening again in the future.

Hope your day is going much better now.

GFN

Shame at my self-pity at a time like this.

If there is anyone here who has not felt self-pity or wallowed in it for awhile.......please stand up!!!   You are no more perfect than the rest of us.  Crying is a good way to release feelings.  Crying is necessary sometimes.  It's human.  If you didn't ever cry, I'd be worried.

[October]

My mother likes to know where me and my sibling - her only other offspring - are at all times.

I am very sorry you were left in this state in the early hours.  I am glad you had Ted there to help you.

I have a problem similar to your mothers.     I have a friend who has been a very important emotional support to me for many years, and there is part of me that feels a need to know firstly where he is (just in general; what country will do), and secondly, that he is ok.  This has bordered on obsessional sometimes in the past, although it has faded a lot in recent years.  Because I know this, I recognise that this is my problem, not his.  However, he knows that it exists, and that from time to time I will ring and say, humour me and please let me know you are ok, even just in an answerphone message.  And usually within a few days I get a message telling me that all is fine.

I am gradually getting used to the fact that he is not going to suddenly die or disappear, although part of me still thinks he will one day.  Too much abandonment.  

A couple of years ago there was a bombing in London; Soho.  He was not there at the time, but I think a week beforehand he had been in London with a friend.  It was very weird, but for weeks afterwards, even though I knew he was fine, and not there, it felt as if he had been killed in that bombing.

These kinds of feelings are very unpleasant, and I have some sympathy for your mother.  However ... it is her job to contain her feelings and to respect your boundaries, and it is your job to maintain those boundaries and not allow her to walk all over you in this way.  You are not there to provide emotional support to your mother.  It really should be the other way round, but few of us here get that kind of support from our parents, so the best we can do is prevent them sucking us dry by getting it from us.

I think in the long term it does not help her anxiety for you to respond to her, and take the text messages or start emailing.  That feeds the behaviour she has.  I think you need to tell her very clearly that you will not leave your phone switched on overnight, and that you will not assist her in seeking information about your sibling.  That is not your job.

You can reassure your mother that bad news travels far faster than good news, and that if anything had happened, she would know.  She would not be left wondering.  Also, set your answerphone for night time, and don't pick up the phone after your bed time.  

It is appalling what our parents can do to us without even knowing it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, GFN and October, for giving me a perspective on the situation. I appreciate having a place to vent in the wee hours, too, so thank you to the message board and Dr. Grossman.

There is something very challenging about wholly accepting that she will never admit any fault or care at all that she is hurting me. You assume your parents are going to protect you... when you realize that they dont, and furthermore, that you can't even discuss their failings, it feels very - empty.  I think back on the conversation from yesterday and can't help but be tempted to call her and yell... but i know, i know nothing will come of it.

Thanks again for your support.... and I am truly sorry to hear there are so many out there with similar tragic experineces with N-rents.

--FG

[bunny]

FlowerGirl,

I don't know if you've heard of the concept of "object constancy." That is a developmental state attained by young children when they understand that their mother is still alive and will return, even when they can't see her in the room or house. Your mother did not ever achieve this developmental marker. Something went wrong. That means she will latch onto a "surrogate parent" and demand that they produce continuous reassurance that her important objects (loved ones) are still alive. This is pretty draining even when a child does it -- but when an adult does it -- there is no way you can keep it up. Your mom needs professional help to get her developmental needs met. You aren't her therapist and that's what she needs.

Please set boundaries with her, for your own sanity. If she gets desperate enough, hopefully she will go to her doctor and get a referral.

bunny

[October]

I don't know if you've heard of the concept of "object constancy." That is a developmental state attained by young children when they understand that their mother is still alive and will return, even when they can't see her in the room or house.
bunny

Thanks, Bunny.  This makes a lot of sense.  

<Adds to the list>

<Bangs head on desk>

 

[RobG]

You are experiencing what we have all experienced at some point or another. Your mother 'needs' something to worry about. Your mother can then use this 'worry' to attract the 'understanding' of others. Once she has the 'understanding' she also has 'power and influence' over those who are now playing to her tune.

Quite ironically my 'girlfriend' came on the phone 'again' while I was on this forum. She was doing exactly the same thing. She had to deal with something 'really hard and upsetting' last Friday. She expected me to send her a text or make a phone call to 'show my support'. The task that she had was neither hard or upsetting, and certainly not worthy of a 'message of support'. What she was trying to do was gain influence over me by subterfuge.

If it wasn't for what I had read on this forum I would have started feeling guilty, but this time I didn't. I told her that in the first place I didn't have a clue about the task that she was performing, and that we all have to do things in life that are hard. It doesn't give anyone the right to contact someone and whinge and whine until they get what they want, especially when as in her case she volunteered for the task.

As predicted (again thanks to the forum), I get floods of tears, no coherent conversation or discussion, no admission that she might be out of order, and stunned silence when I mentioned the 'gaining control by acquiring sympathy'. What I did get was another 'difficult thing' that she had to deal with. It goes on and on. 'N''s are remorseless and relentless.

I hate myself for treating another human being this way, but without fail every time that I have exposed her real objectives she has instinctively changed the subject, made even more demands and accusations, and blanked me.

People on here gave me advice, and I am taking it. It is not easy, it is very, very difficult. However, the response to my actions has always been text-book 'N' and that gives me the confidence I need.

Rob G

[Dazza]

Hi Flowergirl:

You are not alone. I cagree with RobG that your mother needs something to worry about. N's are wired to believe this. It gives them strength and heightens their sense of grandiosity.

Your mother's constant calls/texts are methods to control you. Worrying about your sibling in the middle of the night gave her the chance to put on a great performance (at your expense). Typical!

It sounds like you are in a difficult position - sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't. There are some methods that might create the boundaries that are needed between you, but my experience is that they only work temporarily. Avoiding the N is simply the most effective method of self-protection.

[Anonymous]

very interesting...