Kate,
As I'm sure many of us feel, you could have been writing about my mother. I thought mine topped the Ncake when she got p***** off with me when I went home (she lives in a rural area in another Province) for my cousin's funeral. She was in such a snit that my sister and I had gone home for the funeral instead of specifically to see her that she actually refused to go to the funeral. Now that's the part about what the parent does, but the biggest piece of this is what it does to us as adult children of N parents. Initially, I felt angry, frustrated and then sad that she was so shallow in her ability to give to ANYONE. Then I have to remind my self that the N feels NO EMPATHY. In other words, no ability to understand how ANYONE else might be feeling about a situation and then the next step, to care how they feel enough to offer support or understanding. We must NEVER wait for this to be offered under ANY circumstances - and even if at first it appears that way, don't trust it because it's usually a set up.
Sounds dismal doesn't it? But guilt is the leverage behind the control for the N parent. Their first priority is to have their needs satisfied so they NEVER have to look at the pain of their own sense of non-existence. When there is any kind is dent in the armor they immediately go to repair the threat. In order to repair (like when you express you want to see your father) the N pulls out the most effective control mechanism and does what ever is necessary to get you back in line. Once you have succumbed, they have reestablished the armor and you have served the function. Then you're the good girl for awhile, just up to the point where you look for permission to have any need met that the N takes as a signal that they're not solidly front and centre.
In my own life, I know that the stronger I am, the better I feel about my right as a human being to take care of myself, the less my N mother can wipe me out. At 87, she recently broke her arm and shattered her image of this capable, independent, spunky woman. She demanded a huge amount of attention and my sisters and I gave what we were willing which was never enough and never appreciated. Guilt still gets a grip on me at times but I'm quicker to recognize it and less inclined to allow it to motivate what I do or don't do for my mother.
You are very much on the right track in identifying these things that you mother does to try and pull you in to "use you to repair the dents in her armor". You absolutely have the right to a relationship with your father and do not need her permission to do so. If she had the ability to care for you she's support you in that. Also, remind yourself, often, that you have the right to be happy and to spend time around people who support and love you. Your barometer is always your FEELINGS. As children of N parents we have been trained to disregard and deny our feelings because they have been inconvenient and uncomfortable for the parent. In the beginning of dealing with all of this the most difficult task, at times, is to even know what we are feeling.
I wish you all the best, hope you have or had a nice time with you father and that you use this "board" as support and to vent when necessary!
pat
