Author Topic: Children of Narcissistics  (Read 28426 times)

lightofheart

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #15 on: May 21, 2006, 08:19:38 PM »
Hi Erika,
Thanks for sharing some of your story. imho, even a little detachment can be a lifesaver. I wanted to echo what you said about Cheri Huber: The Depression Book (Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Growth) is excellent as well.

Re. the thread topic, I believe who our parents are can have as much to do with the adults we don't become as those we do. I'd be just as reluctant to generalize about the children of narcissists as anyone else.

Peace,
LoH

lightofheart

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #16 on: May 22, 2006, 05:12:27 PM »
Hi back, Moon,
You're very welcome. That's such a great book; it really helped me, I hope you enjoy it. Makes me happy just to know it's still in stock out and you didn't have to order it, and even happier just to picture you holding your very own copy.

Here's good vibes to you and your tum for tomorrow, Moon...there, did you catch them?

best of everything and smiles to you,
LoH

                                         

Hopalong

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #17 on: May 22, 2006, 07:07:16 PM »
Hi Erika,

Thanks very much for explaining "introjection"--ugh. Somebody's else's voice injected into one, it sounds like!

Hope to hear more from you.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #18 on: May 23, 2006, 11:37:43 PM »
Oh Moon.
How terribly painful.

But I'm glad you're angry. Maybe it's liberating.
Maybe it will free you to truly accept the uselessness of hoping for something he does not have in him.

You deserved real love from your father.
I'm so sorry he wasn't capable of giving it.

You do NOT deserve to be hurt. Not one second more.

(((Moon)))

Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Portia

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2006, 06:52:32 AM »
Erika, thank you for your posts and about this:

Many of us who were targeted by that kind of abuse have a weird gift called "Empathy"...the problem with that kind of abuse, is that it can actually numb you out, so you cannot even know what your own emotions  are..(you have absorbed so much from your own family, you don't know what is yours anymore)

I wondered if anyone had their own words (or otherwise) to describe for me the difference between empathy, projection and ‘counter-transference’ (?) as they are experienced in the ‘receiver’ so to speak. In other words how can I tell when I’m feeling empathy for another or when I’m feeling one of the other two things. Sometimes I get these feelings very strongly and I get a bad stomach pain which lasts from anything from a few minutes to a couple of hours. I’ve had stomach pains in response to emotional confusion since I was a kid, under 10 I guess. I remember my mother taking me to the doctor about it. It was a small, dark surgery and (as with kids at the time) she spoke on my behalf (funny how kids didn’t used to speak in that kind of situation?). I remember the doctor telling her that I needed a diet of glucose and sugar solution. He was looking at me at the time. Then he looked at her and said it might be the stirrings of menstruation (I knew what this was). Anyway when we got back home my stepdad asked what the doc has said and she told him about the glucose and water, he said “she can’t live on that” (thanks stepdad) and she answered “I think that doctor is a very good psychologist”. I won’t forget that. Collusion, lying, adults ganging up against the child, like the child is some wild, bad animal that has to be controlled. I knew what a psychologist was. I knew I was being conned. Anyway I still get stomach aches when I’m upset through a confusion of emotions, not perhaps knowing what is mine and not mine.

(((Moon))) I guess detachment happens when we’re ready for it – when is that? I don’t know. But I reckon there’s no need to work on it. Can’t help being hurt or angry, because you feel and that’s okay? It’s not wrong to have any feelings. It's good to reflect on feelings after the event I guess and work out what caused them.

Portia

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #20 on: May 24, 2006, 11:40:58 AM »
You okay Moon? How are you?

Sela

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #21 on: May 24, 2006, 02:52:04 PM »
oh ((((((((Mooon)))))))!

Sorry for you having to go through this.  Not nice stuff.

Not nice and painful for you.  (((((sending many cyber hugs to Moon)))))

I love how you wrote:

Quote
I will live and love the people that know how to love and that love m.my husband and 2 children.

That sounds like a fantastic beautiful lovely wonderful plan!   :D :D :D

Thankyou Moon.  I'm going to embrace that same plan!  It's a great idea!!

Why not?  Life is too short!!

I'm glad you have your H and kids.  I'm glad you have love in your life.  That is a blessing.
Yes!  Absolutely embrace them!!

 :D Sela

Hopalong

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #22 on: May 24, 2006, 05:50:19 PM »
Oh Moon. Nothing wrong with you for loving him, or loving your hope of him. That's part of you, it's part of every child and even child-animal. We are genetically programmed to need them to survive when we're little (though with parents like him, we survive in spite of them.)

I have always believed that children love their parents infinitely more than the other way around...

It's now as though there's been a death, and you have to grieve someone who still breathes.
But maybe if you could do that process all the way through, you'd be free.

How I wish you could yell at him in a big booming voice, right (and especially) in front of his coworkers (where an N is all fixated on image):

AREN'T YOU THE TINIEST BIT INTERESTED IN THE RESULTS OF MY CT-SCAN?

I'M GLAD YOU BOUGHT SOME LAND BUT IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN ME AT ALL.

I AM SORRY THAT NO AMOUNT OF LOVING YOU HAS DONE ONE THING TO HELP YOU CARE THAT YOU HAVE A CHILD.

GOODBYE!

(End of fantasy monologue.  I think your plan to turn toward love where IT IS is better.)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....I'm so sorry, Moon.

I'm glad you're bringing the bag of SAD here. We can hold it. It's not too heavy for us.

Take a load off. You do not deserve this sticky shadow that belongs to him. You're worthy, Moon, worthy of all the love in the world. He's just broken. Not repairable, or not by you.

(Have you ever been drawn toward talking to another --a positive-- father figure, like a professor or minister or male T about your Dad's age? I've found my relationships with healthy women of my mother's generation to be very healing of the loss, once I realized she was N...)

Hops
« Last Edit: May 24, 2006, 05:53:49 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #23 on: May 26, 2006, 03:38:35 PM »
I love kind loveable Uncle G!
I'd go over there a couple times a week!
I'd tell him I love him and that he's like a Dad to me!
Big smooshy hugs to Uncle G!

No meals needed, I'd pop over with a box of chicken!

((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))...how you doing?

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

seasons

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #24 on: May 26, 2006, 03:46:29 PM »
Moonlight, I'm so happy to hear your catscan came out well.  Sorry about the abuse you had to be apart of....(((seasons)))
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou

Sheela

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #25 on: June 06, 2006, 04:24:13 PM »
wow, Moon, I am so sorry . . perhaps we are doubles . . .
my son and his wife broke up and since my son is an "N" . . .
it was messy, immoral, juvenile (on his part) and
terribly hurtful  . . i had no choice but to help the poor girl, so of course,
he accused me and even CALLED ME to say he never wanted
me to contact him again.

I couldn't help it . . .  i had to ask him, "so why did you call?"

The only thing that hurts me is knowing how great the damage is to him
and how there is nothing I can do  . . . except pray

Let me send a heartlight to you, Moon . . perhaps it's best to let go
and love as hard as we can from a distance . . .

Love is after all, is a verb, an effect and a FORCE for good . . .
there are no guarantees it will ever be returned  but there is every
guarantee that it has an effect, if not on him, then upon us . . .

You surely deserve the love of your father, dear moon . . .
sadly, he is the incapable one  . . .

sometimes distance is the only answer . . .

hugz,

sheela

Sheela

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #26 on: June 09, 2006, 09:07:54 AM »
dearest moon,

re:"detachment"

as always, your message filled me with insight and radiance . . .
just like the actual moon, reflecting the sun's radiance
as a metaphor in the sky for how we obtain light

(it used to be that almost all my poems would reference
the moon)

the light doesn't come from us, but we reflect it
and in such a way, the darkest night is filled with silvery light.

didn't we all grow up hoping to learn how to avoid pain?
initially we thought, we will become wise enough, rich enough, powerful enough,
to be the masters of our fate, that our suffering will end . . .

but we didn't see how sometimes we create suffering for ourselves
or how our suffering and pain are necessary parts of the complete package . . .
right along with joy and love and celebration

i am not trying to make excuses for bad behavior but as Jesus said . .
"let he who is without sin, cast the first stone . . . "   

sometimes, the way to receive more
is to want less

your father and my son will see the day when they will need what we offered . . .
they will realize their mistake  . . .(forgiveness is part of the package, too)

i will wait for that day. but i won't humilate myself by
going where i am not wanted . . . where i receive nothing but mistreatment

if i were called upon
I would be ready to help, forgive, forbear,resume . . .

but my message to the N's in my life is . . .
I AM NOT A VICTIM
(I am the one who decides this)

I would rather do things for and with people who reciprocate and respond
instead of humilating, criticizing and deriding me

I hope that you are at rest Moon, someday your father will know
what he missed, you have gone far and away beyond the call of duty
and you deserve all the light you can gather

enjoy! thank you for the wonderful message, have a great holiday

love, sheela------

Rosanna

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #27 on: July 09, 2006, 10:17:24 PM »
TO CANOE:  the fact that you wrote such an inappropriate and angry message saying that you are not a narcissist only proves that you are one.  We are on this board to help one another.  If you do not suffer from loving a narcissist than you don't belong here.

Hopalong

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Re: Children of Narcissistics
« Reply #28 on: July 10, 2006, 03:10:15 PM »
Ahh, Moon.
You are as free and bright as any spirit I've known.

 :)

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."