The Lies of A Narcissist

[solayads]

Hello MP:

You know, you are absolutely right.  I believe I am now a threat since I left the "fold".  The N's colleagues have left messages inviting me to come back; now mind you, it has been over six months since I left.  I do not respond to the N's colleagues either because they are in the N's camp.  Also, when I was being emotionally abused, these "concerned, loving" individuals were the same ones who stood by like "innocent observers".  I have not forgotten the horror of that experience and the abandonment I felt at the time. 

I have no interest in starting a "smear campaign" (although I could).  But because I have a life and they are no longer a part of the equation I'm not interested in wasting my time.  I have developed some new, healthy relationships over the last few months. I intend to keep doing so.

Now I can smell the foul odor of "N" behavior. 

But some of the N's colleagues have inquired as to why I left.  Since an "N" is only concerned about their image, what other people think about is what drives them in their sickness because they are extremely paranoid.

Since I am not the first person who left the fold, several warning beacons have already been set off.  I understand what drove the others out of the fold as well.

Talking about this with others from this message board helps keep things in perspective and increases my knowledge regarding the psychological aspect of "N" behavior.  The parallells that I have been reading about on this message board concerning the different "N" experiences are amazing!

Thank you for your insight!


Solayads

[Marta]

Hoppie, I know it is not your intentions I question -- I know that you are a sweetie and a pal -- but wisdom in dealing with N bug. Either we live with our N moms and take care of them or banish them even from our email. Its a relic from Either Or N thinking.

Why are you still living with your N mom? You've stated elsewhere that its partly because of economic reasons, but I smell a thousand dead fishes in that. Ns raise us to be cripples, to think that we can't take care of ourselves, financially or emotionally. The first step towards freedom is breaking free of that imaginary web. You're a smart and articulte person, I don't see how you'd have trouble supporting yourself with some planning.

Mudpup, bingo, bingo, bingo.

Hugs, Marta

[Hop guest]

Dang, hit the wrong button and my whole long answer vanished.

You're right Marta, I do fall into black and white thinking. Thanks for the reminder.

You're probably right about challenging why I live with NMom and feel economically so threatened, but it's the truth. THe notion of defending it exhausts me. I do not have the strength right now to manage the sale of her house, move her to a nursing home against her will, find a new job for myself, deal with my depression and back pain all at once. I have nothing for retirement and my job vanishes July 1. Although perhaps I should go forth exuberantly to carve out a new space, I can't pick up the chisel.

It's not psychologically correct to say I fee defeated, but it's the truth. I didn't know about N until 3 years after I moved home, My very kind Dad had always muted her Nness and brought out the best in her. I came optimistically to a fancy Internet job--thinking of sharing Ma's house as a trial or transitional thing to be re-evaulated. Then a mass layoff, and that was the first of about 8 jobs to disappear. I wasn't economically dependent when I arrived 7 years ago, but am now. I have much less income, nothing for retirement, no reserves. So free shelter (despite the emotional price) is a compromise I have accepted for now.

I really shouldn't complain about it, it gets on people's nerves.

I am getting Rx for depression after I see my doc Jan. 9. Meanwhile I'm treading water emotionally. Had to put our dog to sleep yesterday, that may be partly why I'm being limp and bleak.

Thanks,
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

I really shouldn't complain about it, it gets on people's nerves.

Why should you not complain about it?  Are you some superhuman being Hop hon?... and no it doesn't get on people's nerves.  I feel this is just your defense mechanism kicking it.... you know, oh it's not that bad, remember?

You are dealing with so much hon, but I'm concerned that you say you feel defeated.  What can you do in the short term to help feeling less defeated?

((((((((((((((((((((((((lots of hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

H&H xx

[Hop guest]

Just need to cry, I guess.
I really am quite depressed.
Going to see my T at noon and that'll be a safe space to let down.

It was really hard holding down my dad's scared little dog while they injected her yesterday. Sometimes I don't know how to handle all the pain and fear and fatigue. Whole ball o' wax.

Can't wait to hear how your negotiations go.

Thanks for the hugs, same back at ya.

Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

Well you know we're always here, if you want to cry, vent and validate your feelings... we're hear to listen.

You know your good at visualising techniques.... well that whole ball of wax of pain, fear and fatigue... it has a wick at the top, you can light it and watch that candel melt.  Hope things go well with your T this afternoon. xx

[Hopalong]

Thank you very much, H & H, for a really healing image.
I am going to use this.
I'm going to make a candle lighting ritual for myself, and think "the whole ball o' wax" and let it float up with the aroma.

I did bawl at my Ts and he was kind and gets everything, and then I've treated myself to the afternoon off. Back in the bed but not feeling anywhere near as bad as I did earlier.

SOOOOO exciting about your new job!
You deserve this! Yay!  I am so happy to hear you being rewarded!

(My T reminded me to remember that I do have six months' warning and in that time, I may discover that I wind up in an even better job than the pure-survival one I have now.)

Thanks for the comfort and the inspiration too.
You're living proof good things do happen.

Gratefully,

Hopalong

[Marta]

THe notion of defending it exhausts me.

Hop Darling, DONT EVER defend your decisions to us or anyone else. Only reflect upon them in a quiet hour. Feeling for you,

Marta

[Plucky]

Hi Hoppy,
You sound exhausted.  Not defeated.  Defeated would mean you have surrendered.  You are still fighting!  Bloody but unbowed and all that.
What you need now is a little vacation.  You need some time out from under Nmum's roof.  How about a weekend at a little B&B in a quiet place?  A long hot bath and the phone off?  An escapist film...you get it.  Can you do that?  It would really help you regroup and have the energy to continue your life in a much better place.
Just getting out from in the that house will help you, I think. Just for a little while.
Your dog was a person too!  And you have to mourn.
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Thanks Marta and Plucky...
right now this board IS my vacation! 

I've done little vacations before but lately they've backfired, in terms of back pain from driving.

I really will be okay, and I'll keep venting here !

I appreciate this support and kindness so much.

I am eager for the Rx. I'm sure others have, as early waking is such a classic symptom, but I've noticed frequent mornings I wake up crying. Just a little, but literally: wake up, immediate tears. Just a few but what a strong message. Today it was, I woke up crying and saying to myself, "Safe harbor."

I have a running half-serious joke with my T about how long, ethically, I'd have to stop being his client before we can have coffee, socialize, and get married. He laughs and says two years, so I tell him, well hurry up and get me better. If you're really efficient maybe we can shave it a few months!

   :)He is kind and I do feel safe with him, so I'm sure that's what my pysche was up to this a.m.
Silly.

Everybody, want to wish you a happy, peaceful, calm and hopeful day. Thanks for all you do to bring those things into my life, over and over.

Hopalong

[Marta]

I have a running half-serious joke with my T about how long, ethically, I'd have to stop being his client before we can have coffee, socialize, and get married. He laughs and says two years, so I tell him, well hurry up and get me better. If you're really efficient maybe we can shave it a few months!

Hmmmmmmm. Call me a paranoid if you will, but my antennae goes up......

[Healing&Hopeful]

I have a running half-serious joke with my T about how long, ethically, I'd have to stop being his client before we can have coffee, socialize, and get married. He laughs and says two years, so I tell him, well hurry up and get me better. If you're really efficient maybe we can shave it a few months!

Hmmmmmmm. Call me a paranoid if you will, but my antennae goes up......

Oh I don't know... From what I've read it's not that unusual to have thoughts about having a relationship with your therapist (Maybe Dr G can verify this?).  At long as it's a joke, and it's treated as such so there are no expectations, then what harm can it do?

[Marta]

May be because a running joke keeps them up alive, adds a certain eroticism and electricity to the relationship? Its not unusual to have such thoughts, but it is a transgression of a boundary by the T. After all, you wouldn't make such jokes with your boss or prof, even if you had such thoughts. Now this comes from a T abuse survivor, so it is sprinkled with a fair bit of paranoia.

[Brigid]

Well over a year ago, my therapist and I were having a discussion about the kind of man I would like to have in my life and eventually remarry.  I told him if he was single (he was very happily married), I would marry him in a heartbeat.  After many more months of therapy, I realized that I saw him more as a father figure (he was 5 years younger than I) than as a potential mate. 

I think, in my case, that those deep, caring feelings I had for him were beneficial to my healing and my ability to open up to him.  I know that there are abusive T's who would take advantage of such a situation, but hopefully Hoppy has her antennae up and would see a red flag if one presented itself.

Brigid

[Hop guest]

Hey, I hear you.
No, I"ve been seeing this T off and on for 5+ years and he's never, ever, done or suggested anything inappropriate. He doesn't have as rigid boundaries as some Ts I've known in terms of letting on the very occasional piece of info about his own life, but he's professional and proper.
We have a degree of ease together...but it was my own boundary stuff, not his. I'm the one who started the joke. We're quite compatible and have a lot in common intellectually.

I asked because it's my occasional fantasy and I do realize he likes me a bit. He's decent and ethical and never in the slightest seductive. I think what's actually happened over the years is that there is some degree of friendship that's grown. I don't think that's a crime.

I have a date this Sat. with the divorced fellow I was emailing. So far haven't enjoyed his emails much, they're either show-offy or pedantic (pot calling kettle), so there's truly some ick factor. But I promised to meet him so I will. Won't hurt to test the reality vs. email anyway. See if what I thought were pink flags look that way in person.

Sigggh. Bleaaah.

Hopalong