13 yr old is cutting her body need advise

[andromeda]

She's been doing it for a year...At least she has reached a point where she's talking about it...

Wow, so much discussion here...Some other thoughts:

OR, this might be a tough one to think about: please imagine me saying this in the gentlist way possible:

I was very alienated from my mom at 13. When I was 12, and my body started changing, she handed me a book about it. We never had a discussion about what I was feeling, how everything was changing for me. She just gave me stuff to read. It wasn't an exchange of ideas; I never expressed how powerless I felt about everything - kids at school, cliques, various overwhelming pressures (ie taking care of my anorexic friends - you know, 'you're only popular with anorexia' - a Tori Amos lyric  she's a popular godmother of emo music) my body doing its thing...she handed me a book.

What I wanted was a hug, and time to cry with her accepting my confused emotions without being told to stop crying because she couldn't listen to her own tears.

OR, I know how hard it is to live with someone who is in crisis - the cutting is SO IMMEDIATE and it demands IMMEDIATE OH MY GOD ATTENTION. Take a deep, deep breath. Because an immediate solution is not going to happen.

With the N-dad out of the picture so recently, you both are healing, you both are navigating new territory: learning to be healthy with yourselves and each other. That's going to mean ALOT of human moments, of being vulnerable with each other, and learning that being vulnerable with each other is safe to do.

How are you taking care of yourself in this? How are you feeling, OR?

Its OK to feel powerless and freaked out. That's part of the acceptance-of-what-is process.

Take really good care of yourself right now. So she can see what thats like. Actions speak louder than words...

Sending many hugs and gentleness your way. Resolution will come. Deep breaths.

Much, much love. Be well.

Andromeda

[onlyrenting]

I only have a moment will return soon

Her pastor talked to her last night, he said “someone told him about her cutting and asked her to call him on his cell phone, whenever she felt the need to cut.
This pastor baptized her, she has respect for him and he may help with missing her father.


Jacmac

I may have a very radical approach to child rearing, but I whole-heartedly believe that most of the formative rearing that will be done for a child can ONLY be done during the first 7 years of a childs life, and if pressed, I would say the first 5 years.  After that, I think what parents can do is only build upon and reenforce the foundation that has already been layed.

I would have some encouragement here, during her first 5 years I stayed home with her.
I had a short battle with cancer and the department I worked in for 10 years had transferred out of state. I decided to stay with her until she could enroll in school. I do feel that 5 years gives me an edge where she trust me to take care of her with love. I can sense the pain from the last 5 years with her N-father taking care of her has scared her. We have watched him on disability for over 5 years and on medication slowly becoming unreachable, unstable and learning he is N among other emotional problems.
so I pray she will reach in her past to remember the care I gave her as a young child.

I must leave to pick up D from cheer
 

[onlyrenting]

I only have another minute

Write :

Only the people closest to her can know if it's an attention seeking thing, or what happens if you ignore the cutting.

1. If she tells me she learned this behavior from a TV show, and now can't stop. What does that say for influence of the TV.
2. She wants to fit in here, being new and from out of state she knows others who do cut and wants to feel excepted.
3. If this compulsive behavior a personality disorder  can this be treated with medication or some other method.

4. If her life is so broken will she ever overcome the damage, how sad if she does not heal before more damage is done.

Andromeda

OR, I know how hard it is to live with someone who is in crisis - the cutting is SO IMMEDIATE and it demands IMMEDIATE OH MY GOD ATTENTION. Take a deep, deep breath. Because an immediate solution is not going to happen.

I will take a deep breath, give my D lots of hugs and keep communication open as best I can.
I will not give up and work with her to heal the pain I blame myself for.
I feel so bad about her wanting to hurt herself, I will try and accept this and move on to learn and share with other how have traveled this road

OR ( I have to leave again )

[Plucky]

4. If her life is so broken will she ever overcome the damage, how sad if she does not heal before more damage is done.

She is only 13.  She has time to heal. Look at all of us who just started healing well into adulthood, without support form parents!  She has a good chance.
Plucky

[write]

I think you're doing everything right.

It's such a tightrope with children- say too much and they think you're trying to run their lives, say too little they think you don't care! Sometimes it feels like you just can't ever get it right, I know.

But it's not healthy to let them manipulate you either.
( I've only just realised that a lot of my son's flamboyant temper tantrums are an attempt to do just that...)

There was an article in the Observer a while back here it is http://observer.guardian.co.uk/focus/story/0,6903,718183,00.html which pointed out how cutting has almost become 'fashionable'.


Take care (((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

~W

[Marta]

the pain I blame myself for

OR, you've been an amazingly resourceful mother, rescuing your daughter from an N ex, not everyone can do that, you love her and care for her to do all you can to protect her from all this, our parents didn't do that for us. You may have made ypour fair share of mistakes, who doesn't, but to trash yourself as a bad parent is simply uncalled for and helps neither d nor you. She has a near psychopath for a father who's put her through a lot. It's bound to have an imapct on her life.

I know you are bound to go through a lot of extreme reactions right now, but anchor yourself to the reality and know that you are a great mother.

Love, Marta

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((((OR)))))))))))))

Teenagers do lots of things for lots of different reasons.  This is not your fault and you mustn't blame yourself.  Although I'm not a parent, I do see the difficulties that face parents today.  Your daughter has been through a lot already, living with you, then living with her dad and now moving and a new school etc etc.  Starting a new school is always a stressful time in any childs life.

Depending on what her dad is like, she could have self worth issues.  So maybe another way to deal with this is to do things that help her to feel worthwhile.... whether that could be having a makeover, doing something for charity, or even just letting her chill out and spend time with her Mum.

You are a good Mum.... and I feel you are being harsher on yourself than anyone else is.

Keep us updated.... thinking of you both.

H&H xx

[Sela]

Hiya ((((((((((((((((((((((((((OR)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

Sorry......I'm late again getting to this thread.  Never enough time to read and post.

I will not give up and work with her to heal the pain I blame myself for.

!.  That's my heroine, OR, talking.......who will not give up....who has tried so hard and come so far and done soooooooooooo much to survive and thrive in an awful situation!!  Keep going OR!!

and

2.  Exactly what have you done to cause the pain?  Did you threaten to shoot yourself?  Do you have mental problems that were causing your spouse to live in fear?  Do you write letters to your daughter trying to manipulate and upset her?   Is it your fault that the only safe thing to do was to get away......far away......to some place safe???

You know who is doing/has done those things OR, and where the fault lies.  My guess is.......that person is the one to blame for causing the pain!!  You've done nothing but try to prevent more of it......and to heal it!!

You have taken your daughter for help.  You have taken her away from a bad situation....very bravely....on the run......such a long distance.  You've been patient.  You are so concerned....always.....for her.  You've managed through the stress of a new home, a new town, a new job, the new process of trying to get custody, and divorce proceedings, financial stuff, etc, etc, etc.

Please do not beat yourself up any more!  Keep doing your best!!  You are a fantastic mother and whatever pain your daughter is feeling is not from you or your actions!!  Please tell yourself this and believe it!!

((((((((((((OR))))))))))))))) 

Sela

[mudpuppy]

Hey OR,

Settle down girl. This isn't a personality disorder and it isn't your fault.

"Train a child up in the way of the Lord and when he is old he (or she) will not depart from it."
It doesn't say there won't be a few bumps along the way, but please don't think this is some irreversible thing. If you continue to love her and support her she will get through it.
Teenagers do lots of dumb things in reaction to trauma or insecurities. But they're almost always just stages that they grow out of. The trick is to protect them and hold onto them without smothering them so they can find the solution, with some guidance.
Now obviously some do go over the edge, but they are usually neglected and fiercely abused. Your D isn't. Your idiot ex is far away and you are by her side. You're doing fine. Just use your God given patience and love.
One last verse relating to patience. "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength."
You're everyone's hero here. We know you'll renew your strength.

mud

[onlyrenting]

My mind is just scared, next Friday the 13th will be court by phone and as the time gets near the reality of my welcomed divorce I must face it's outcome.

Sela

Exactly what have you done to cause the pain?
Is it your fault that the only safe thing to do was to get away
nothing but try to prevent more of it......and to heal it!!

I believed staying in the relationship was to protect her. With a remote chance of joint custody I felt staying would give her better protection, this made sense but maybe I was wrong.
Her father tells her lies and defending myself is not something she wants to hear.
I will get stronger and fell better after the divorce is over and decisions are made.

mudpuppy

Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength."

Tonight I drove the girls to the indoor skate board park, on the way my D received a phone call.
(I don't know more that what I heard)

D was being asked if she knew about something that happened at school today.

She is telling the caller his girl friend  who was hurting herself (I don't know how)  D went to the school counselor to let them know the girl needs help and the caller should not be upset at D or think she's not cool for saving the girls life (I don't know how much drama this is ) I just now got back after dropping them off we reached our destination before I could find out details.

I'm impressed that she understands the darkness of what she is seeing and brave enough to stand up for what she believed was important. She felt her friends life was in danger and wanted to find her help. I would hope the girl was not cutting and got carried away.

I felt she almost wanted me to hear this conversation, being confident to tell the caller she had concerns and believed she was doing the right thing to help her friend stop hurting herself no matter if it made her uncool.

Marta

anchor yourself to the reality and know that you are a great mother

My reality can be difficult to explain sometimes to my D, I must sit alone sometimes and trust she understands she has a great mother. I find my confidence gets stronger and will tell her how lucky she is to have me as her mother. Kids don't see it but I tell her I would like her to confide in me she does sometimes but she says she just doesn't want me to know everything. I must respect her wishes and expect a time will come when she wants to share. 

Plucky

Look at all of us who just started healing well into adulthood

This is so true, my life and the decisions I made were generated from the lack of love, understanding and rejection. I would not want to watch my D have any part of that pain  the fear can overwhelm me.
I would not want her to feel lost or rebel like I did that frightens me very much.

jacmac

Feelings of blame and shame do nothing but keep you mired with guilt

OK, OK I'm sorry I said I felt blame, your correct  to dwell in guilt does nothing good.

I will trust my D to walk through this and grow to understand what is healthy and wonderful about her life.

I LOVE you all for being here for me, thank you ..... OR

 

 

[write]

I had a feeling there was more troubling you, you always seem so confident as a mother. I mean knowing it's right to just sit it out sometimes, I guess, and not have to have all the answers.

I don't think you should blame anyone- get out of that cycle. You did what you thought was best at different stages. When it was best to end the marriage, you did it.
Ex is who he is, and like me you're stuck with the situation, and there's nothing you can do to explain npd or any of the other stuff in a way she will accept and understand. She has to discover it all for herself. And she will, nothing you can do will protect her from some of the things he will say or do over the years. Or maybe he'll change. Who knows, and I hope he does, and turns out to be a great dad for her. Of course then she'll wonder why you divorced him...see- you can't win either way on that one.

I will get stronger and fell better after the divorce is over and decisions are made.
absolutely, it's one of the most stressful things in life.

And btw I would have no other outcome for us than joint custody if it were anyway earthly possible- I said from when we first split that if we were going to fight over him my husband could raise our son; I'm sure that shook him up enough to realise he didn't want to win that particular battle...

And it's an ending as much as a beginning. Divorce I mean. It's something I haven't had to face yet but if we were I know my son would feel it too, he's always saying 'but you won't divorce?' even though we've been separated 2 years.


She is telling the caller his girl friend  who was hurting herself (I don't know how)  D went to the school counselor to let them know the girl needs help and the caller should not be upset at D or think she's not cool for saving the girls life (I don't know how much drama this is ) I just now got back after dropping them off we reached our destination before I could find out details.

I'm impressed that she understands the darkness of what she is seeing and brave enough to stand up for what she believed was important. She felt her friends life was in danger and wanted to find her help. I would hope the girl was not cutting and got carried away.

I felt she almost wanted me to hear this conversation, being confident to tell the caller she had concerns and believed she was doing the right thing to help her friend stop hurting herself no matter if it made her uncool.

I'm sure you're right on the 'drama' but it's great she felt comfortable talking with you there, and wanted to show you an inside view of what's happening.

Did you see the article from the Observer, and how some of the schools had waves of this cutting behaviour?

Maybe your daughter can find a new 'fitting-in' role around the behaviour which involves her helping and befriending the others rather than cutting herself?

When I was young and wanted to hang with the cool kids I couldn't handle sex or alcohol or most things without the resulting out-of-control scaring the hell out of me. So I cleaned up vomit, held hands when people broke up & thought they would die- funny now they probably wouldn't remember even a name, went to the doctor and once the abortion clinic...and got accepted for who I was without having to do all that stuff and not laughed at too much for playing in church and writing a musical.

Take extra care of yourself over the next few days- make sure you get a bit of 'me' time and extra vitamins, maybe a walk or too and a good book and your favourite ice cream.
I know you're a mother, but it's your divorce too.

xoxox

[onlyrenting]

Wrtie thank you for being so insite full, The Big D is full of drama and never fun for anyone.
I sometimes try and forget about but I know once the courts decide what to do, my life will change.




Write

Did you see the article from the Observer, and how some of the schools had waves of this cutting behaviour?

Thank you, I just sat down to read the article, I have a few minutes before I leave again to pick up the girls

I got some really good insite and feel better that it's more about growing up in this generation and maybe she is doing what the other kids are doing to fit in.

Maybe your daughter can find a new 'fitting-in' role around the behaviour which involves her helping and befriending the others rather than cutting herself?

This would be such a great way to fit in and maybe would allow her to feel part of the solution and not part of the problem.


I have to leave   ...OR

[Hopalong]

Bless your heart, OR, you are being SO hard on yourself.

I think you are a champion, a very tired champion, plunging toward the finish line.

You are stressed and exhausted from this marathon but there's a whole crowd of people standing just ahead of you cheering you on, holding out bottles of water and ready to hug you at the finish line!

YOU WILL MAKE IT!!

Just rest and do take good nourishing care of yourself.
Any little thing, a bath, a walk, a prayer, some music, calling and talking and especially right now, maybe set aside some time to be in nature.

Just looooooook at something natural, living, beautiful, quiet. Remind yourself you belong here, you have a right to be here, you are a good human being, nature allows mistakes, you love your child and she doggone well knows it...

You really will make it.

(((((((( OR))))))))

Hopalong

[nightsong]

I've worked with young people who cut themselves and have read up on the subject, so i'd like to add my comments, partly on a very practical level about the actual cutting, if I may (apologies if I repeat what others have said, as always here this thread is full of compassion and wisdom).

Although this seems an extreme and repulsive behaviour, it is normally not dangerous and is in fact potentially less harmful than a lot of other ways teenagers may choose to help themselves through difficult times. She could be smoking, drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around or indulging in other risky beahviours - she has chosen to cut.

The most helpful attitude from parents is a calm one. If she thinks you are going to freak out or cry when she tells you what she is done or feels like doing, she won't tell you. Also, as someone else said, this is about her, not you - if you get upset you make it about you.

Please don't try to stop her (I don't get the impression you are doing this, but I feel it's important to say that). It's her coping mechanism - if she is stopped, how will she cope? Cutting is not suicidal behaviour, but there is some evidence that thwarting the urge to cut can lead to suicidal impulses in some people. There are very strong biochemical urges in the brain which are relieved by the cutting - the flow of endorphins which follows any injury provides temporary relief from the emotonal pain she is experiencing. Later on though she may characteristically feel guitly and miserable. If she tells you what she has done at that point, of course she will be in particular need of love and support.

It is helpful to ensure that she knows where the first aid box is and can clean and dress her cuts if she needs to. Or if she asks you for help, that you can provide it calmly. That is part of being in control for her - some people (usually adults) become very ritualistic about this. If she has been cutting for a year and you didn't know about it, that strongly suggests that the cutting is physically very minor, which is a good sign. When poeople cut deeply or repeatedly on the same wound, then obviously they run the risk of more serious bleeding, whiich would lead to blood on her sheets and possibly a need for stitches. It sounds like she is not doing this kind of thing, so the actual physical harm she is doing will be minimal and may not lead to any scarring.

By the way, sometimes parents become very alarmed if the child is cutting around their wrists. If they are superficial cuts across the wrist (that is, not in the direction from elbow to fingers, but across) then this is perfectly harmless. It is quite difficult to sever the artery in the wrist and it can't be done with this sort of cutting.

The most hopeful news is that there is strong evidence that people grow out of the need to cut. It is relatively common in the teens and early twenties but many people do stop, usually without any particular help or treatment. As they become adult they naturally have more control in their lives and no longer feel the need to create control for themselves in this way. So the key to helping her reach that point has to be - support her lovingly, and help her have control in her life. I wish you well.

[Hopalong]

My daughter did minor cutting in high school when I was married to her Nstepdad, we had moved to a new state, and she was isolated within her peer group. She also did it some the first year of college after her Dad died. I looked at it calmly as I could but it was upsetting. At one point she inserted safety pins through her forearm in a little row. From there she quit cutting and discovered a form of self-injury that has a whole support network around it--tattoos! Oy.

I worried so much about her I thought I would explode from terror (and of course, guilt).

Three weeks ago, mid-year, after a long struggle and dropping out twice and re-enrolling, she graduated. She also quit smoking cigarettes a year ago. She's planning on grad school.

Don't give up on your daughter. The transition to adulthood is the biggest storm of life. But I think the fact that she was talking to her friend in the car while you were there was a blatant way to say to you, "I feel safe with you. I want you in my world." You must be doing something right that shows her your persistent love.

Bless you for your mothering, OR.
Bless yourself, you deserve it.

Respect,

Hopalong